I've been reading your blog for a while, but I've never posted.

I really wish I could say something to make it all better. I know women in your comments say how you are not alone, but I am going to add my voice too.

My situation is a little different too, but I am so ashamed of myself for many things. My weight, my financial situation, the fact that I constantly talk about how I need a new job but am too paralyzed by fear to do anything about it. I have fought my weight my whole life, but the last few years it has been out of control. I am ashamed. I am embarrassed. I don't even let my own husband see me naked. I am nearly 90 lbs. heavier now than when we married and while I looked good then, I wasn't exactly a lightweight. I thought my life would so different and I hate that it isn't but I just don't know what to do to change it.

It doesn't much (OK, anything) to help you, but I just want to say I admire you for putting everything out there for the world to see. I hardly ever talk about my problems or feelings and I know that's not helping.

Good luck.

Everybody feels some degree of this sometimes, I promise. It's OK to not be perfect every day, and it's also hard not to beat yourself up about it. I don't have any specific diet or exercise advice because I've never tried to follow a diet and I'm not much of an exerciser, but all I can suggest is to remember that your family loves you no matter what and to use them as your motivation if you're feeling down, to keep from beating yourself up or over eating, etc.

But geez, sometimes you deserve a piece of cake for pete's sake. So don't feel bad about it!

right there with you. hang in there, you are so NOT alone. If it was that easy, would there be countless ads and spam and infomercials about weight loss? I HATE deprivation, and depriving myself of food when I feel like there are so many other ways that I'm deprived is just layering pain on pain.

you are awesome. I know this probably doesn't help, but you are not alone in this fight. As long as you can even halfway do the Worm or the Aerobic Dance, you are awesome!

I'm sorry you're in so much emotional pain, Yvonne. It sucks to be tortured by that anguish day in and day out.

Oh man. Shame is my constant companion. I wish I knew what to do about it, and if I would, I'd tell you in a heartbeat because you are a beautiful, intelligent, wonderful person who deserves to feel better about herself.

I really have nada in the way of advice or words of comfort. We all feel this way - though your feelings are specific to you. We don't know exactly what you are feeling but we can relate. And we can share how we feel about you or what we do for ourselves when we are feeling this way. But you have suffered real depression in the past and that is something that not all of us have experienced. Lots of us say we are depressed, but clinically we are not. So I say all of that to say that you need to take care of YOU. Whatever that may entail for you. You are not alone. You have a wonderful family and wonderful friends that are there to support you.
Good luck with everything. Take care of yourself so you don't find yourself back in that place, Y.

Y, you certainly wouldn't be doing yourself any favors by ignoring the past...but please don't punish yourself for it repeatedly. You're already leagues away from that place by being able to even identify that you were once there. You have risen above it, and you have the tools to stay where you have worked so hard to get to!

You can do this. You are a mother! a loving wife! a brave dancefloor maniac worm-er! You are strong, and you bring a vital, vibrant quality to people like me, who just read your site and don't even know you -- and you do it just by being yourself. How amazing is that?!

There is NOTHING for you to be ashamed of.

Oh sweetheart...I can not tell you how your post made my heart stop. Have I EVER been where you are now! I am still leaving behind the very very heavy me but this time I am leaving her for good. I changed my lifestyle and took control one micron at a time and years in the making but I did. It started with anti-depressants and I am finally here where I am in the driver's seat without the drugs and 60 lbs lighter (and still losing weight). I don't obsess, I don't count points, I am just much more aware of what I do to myself and tell myself that nobody, not even me, is going to wreck how far I have come. That's a job on it's own so I know the need to try and get some of that poisonous feeling OUT. Any time you want to stop by my place by clicking that link or email me I am here. A HUGE part of why this whole thing started to actually WORK was because my online girlfriends were there for me. Any time you need a shoulder or an ear I am here. This is a tough road and I appreciate how you are feeling.

This is why I blog / read blogs...now and then, there is a post that reminds me that I am "not the only one who ___". This was one of those posts...you could have been talking about me, from the weight, to the hair pulling, to the deodorant (keeps the "thigh burn" away, if anyone's interested).

I love your funny posts, but I also find the personal ones really moving. You are a great writer - I know this one was probably hard to write, but (CHEESY...) thank you for sharing. You're an incredible woman.

Unfortunately, I know what you are talking about. My weight is a constant source of embarassment & shame. What makes it worse is my husband still loves me. How fucked up, that because my man still loves me, it's worse? I don't have any magic words for you, except, I'm here for you & am on your side (cheesy enough for you?).

You can do it, Y.

I've always been... not fat but not skinny? not thin? not really chubby? I don't know how to classify it. I have a fairly small frame and more fat on that frame than is average. I'm working on it for the wedding but it's hard.

I've been dealing with my body since I was about 10 or 11 and my mom commented that my brand new dress, the one I adored and love, looked better on my skinny best friend.

You're doing it for YOU and that's all you need. It'll be slow-going but you'll get there. Have faith and you'll succeed; if you don't think you can do it, that's a guarantee that you won't.

I just finished a post on my blog about shame and hatred of my body. I'm not adding a link here, but you can e-mail me if you'd like to have it.

For what it's worth, I think you're beautiful and an inspired writer. Please be kind to yourself, even if just for today.

This is the first time I have ever commented on a blog. I have been reading through your archives for the last couple days and I can identify with so many of your experiences with your weight, even applying deoderant in less conventional places. Thank you so much for writing about these things. It really does help people to know that there are other people (beautiful, intelligent, FUNNY people!) who share the same feelings they do. Keep on truckin' gal!

P.S. I am also German and Mexican. That would make us fellow Beanerschnitzels!

(((hugs)))
Sorry I had to hang up on you!

don't feel ashamed because there's NOTHING to be ashamed of. i don't think i have to tell you again how you are TOTALLY my weigh-loss-hero and i go check older posts and your pictures all the time thinking how brave and disciplined you are and how i wish i could get only half way as far as you've come.

you have three amazing, beautiful kids and a husband and after all those years you still love each other like on the first day [even though your hair and his glasses look a lot better now] or maybe even more.

tons of people [including me] love and admire you because of everything you are - not because you have a fancy house or cash or no boobs and no ass. you are so much more than those superficial things.

Y, you ROCK! 100% and more.

Oh, lady, I feel your pain. My weight has flucuated between 173 and 225 (not counting pg weight) and my motivation has fluctuated more than my weight. *sigh* Right now it's stalled, actually. You are amazing, though - look at you! Have you considered just maintaining and not trying to lose for a bit? I dunno. Hugs!

We all are ashamed about something in our lives at every stage in life. You have come such a long way and been a motivation and inspiration to a lot of people. Just your flickr pictures alone were beautiful to see. Life throws hard balls...sometimes you have to just square up your stance and hit 'em back...see? I'm ashamed of my crappy metaphors. :-) Even when you are feeling down, you have been a role model and inspiration to this young college kid who wants to someday parent like you and have a sense of humor like you. So even if you aren't sure about yourself, remember just through your trials and writings, you are convincing one young woman to be more like you someday.

oh, i don't know you, but i just want to give you a hug!!! we all have our ups and downs, but we just need to take step back and figure out how to take things in stride and look at the positive things...

i really don't know what else to say that hasn't been said already, but as much as you are ashamed of yourself, there are 100x more people loving you, loving your blog, admiring you, motivated by you, inspired by you, wishing they could be you!

just take a step back, look how far you've come, look at your beautiful children and husband and of course, your beautiful self!

I want to comment because I want to add my support. I want to say a million things and analyze and try to fix it all but I can't, so I won't. Please take care of yourself and maybe seek some outside help, if you need it? We all can't do this alone, and we are all human. You are blessed. You have a purpose. You are loved. We love you. Take care of yourself.

Dearest Y,
Depression is insidious, and I am so glad your husband was there to stop you from inflicting more pain on yourself. There is no shame in making mistakes. You are doing the right thing now by just aiming for a healthier lifestyle. I know you can do it!
Thank you for sharing these dark moments as well as the hilarious. You have true genrosity of spirit. I admire your honesty and courage.

Yvonne,
Ugh. i have been where you are. A few years ago I lost 35 pounds. I was just about halfway to my goal... I was at 175 and wanted to weight 135. I was SO tired of putting points to food (I was doing weight watchers). I was just so damn tired of having to think about it all. the. damn. time.

Two years later? Here I am. Back again. I've lost close to 20 pounds but oh how I regret giving up. I gave up completely. I said, "I don't want to anyMORE" so I started eating chips. Instead of working on my emotions I ate them. I went back to all the old excuses and habits.

I don't mean to be depressing- but I want to encourage you to not give up. You have come a long way, but I think this time, this time in the middle when you've been doing it for a long time already and feel like there's a long time to go- is the hardest. It's the time when the blackness from the beginning of the tunnel is farther, but the light at the end of the tunnel is too dim.

Stick it out. I know you can. You can do this.

Y,
There is some point in where everyones life where they get overwhemed, with the pressures of life , family, bills , weight you name it .Baby girl I feel your pain. There are days I don't even want to get out of bed. When facing another day of the same old crap ,cleaning the same crappy messes, I just don't want to do it . In the same crappy ass body.Before I had my first child I was 145, 5'11,in Ballet..ect. now all these kids later I am well over 200, I fight with my weight everyday. IT SUCKS, to think I was Soo skinny and still thought I was a fat ass. Now I look back and realize what a retard I was. But you know what my body was home to 6 children, and life happens , don't set too high expectations. Take each day, moment , second at a time . I know anxiety sets in , but take a deep breath , and when u breath out let all that negative shit out. I know its hard but just take it slow. I have high anxiety , about my self , my children , death all that crazy stuff. That is the only thing that gets me through the day. I know you feel guilty about your son seeing that stuff, but I am positive that he knows you love him to death and would do anything for him , he may not have understood what you were going through at the time but as he gets older, he will. Everyday has its struggles and even though it can make us loca in the process, we survive and on those good days , mami we get down, there is nothing that can stop us ...we BAD!
So when your feeling crappy ..remember those bad days and see through it ! I am so here for you mama!
Mel

All you have to do is look at those old photos - you've come so far!! {{hugs}}

We all have our days (months, sometimes years) of feeling like we've failed, but please don't give up. You've got us all in your corner, Y.

I've never commented on your blog. Its a recent discovery for me and I did try to email you to tell you how much you've helped me. I am that woman, and I was. I did take it to the point of cutting and in a way I'm glad I did because if I hadn't ever gotten that bad I would feel like I've come so far. Its awesome to read your comments and see how much support you have, that is so awesome. I just started blogging and you are one of the women who inspired me to get out there. Thank you.

You don't know me. I just came over from Zero Boss. I wish you well and I will be back.

Ann (aka granny)

Hi. I found myself here following a trail from Blogtopsites, I think, or maybe something BlogHer related. Anyway, I just had to unlurk to tell you that I relate to your feelings and efforts. I wish you well!

Y, you are an awesome writer and so, so funny in your humorous posts...and so, so real in your serious ones. I can totally relate to what you're saying, and I feel the same way. I try to be the "fun girl" and live my life having a good time, but sometimes other things just creep in and I remember that I can't pay my bills and buy groceries too, or that I wish I was about a hundred pounds lighter...it sucks and those days are the hellish ones. I wish you well, and re: your post last night? You SO matter! It wouldn't let me comment then.....

I so understand. I just ate a bowl of icing 'cause I needed candy. I feel really stupid and thanks for writing that, it helped me.

I started reading your blog a while ago, and never commented before. Your writing is so full of energy and emotion. Thank you for blogging!

I think we all can relate in some way or another, no matter what weight we are. It's a constant struggle. Self-esteem's a real bitch sometimes.

You are a wonderful writer. I read you daily. You crack me up, most of the time. I wish I was there to just hug you and tell you that you can do it, you are worth it. Hang in there it will get better.

Your friends and family love you. YOU. Not your dress size. Not the way you look. They love the woman that does crazy things to make them laugh. Like Aerobic Dancing! The woman that makes them feel special. The woman that loves them. You wouldn't think less of your husband because his hair is thinning or because he's got a few extra wrinkles, would you?

No one is perfect - no matter what face they put on for the public. Everyone worries about bills, college tuitions, mortgage payments, being too heavy or too thin, not working out enough or eating too much. The concerns you have are the concerns of 90% of us, we're in this together - never feel isolated. never feel alone. never feel unworthy or shame.

Now that I've spouted off - let me tell you a secret. Okay not so much a secret anymore. I'm fat. robust. heavy. whatever you want to call it. That's me. Am I proud of that? not particularly. Am I ashamed of it. Not even slightly. Why? Because I am a good person, my husband loves me and thinks I'm sexy (we love teh sex!). I enjoy my job even though I don't make as much money as I'd like (bills get paid when they get paid because we're doing the best we can. period). I don't count calories or points or carbs. Why? Because when I did I was thinner and completely miserable - much like you are. I found that being happy, if a bit over my ideal weight, is much more important. Would I love to wear a size 6? sure. Am I willing to make myself miserable over it. Absolutely not. Beauty comes in all sizes, forms and figures. You are beautiful (I've seen the pictures). What makes you beautiful is your spark, your laugh and your love for those around you. Love yourself because you deserve it! (and those last 40lbs are tough - but never forget they are the hallmark of childbirth, late night dinners with your husband, birthday cake with your boys and wine shared with treasured girlfriends. Those memories are worth the extra dress size - don't forget what is important!!)

I'm doing the points too. It's depressing. First because it's SO SLOW and secondly becuase it feels like it will be for every damned day (as you said) for the REST OF MY LIFE if I want to both lose it AND keep it off. Somehow I equate being a fun person with being someone you can drink with, eat a whole pint of ice cream with - smear cake on faces with... so how am I going to be a "fun" person eating raw vegetables (cuz they are 0 points) all day? What's fun about "don't mind me while I peel the ZILLIONTH orange"? If you even try to eat something fun like - Green Curry Chicken - you'd better not want to eat another effing thing all day... it's a drag.

It's easy to be funny, it takes guts to real. Bravo brave lady and thanks.

For the first time in my extensive blog-reading hobby, someone wrote exactly how I feel Word. For. Word. Many have come close, but you have hit the exact center.

What saddens me more than your post (and my reaction to it) is how many women have written to say they feel the same way.

I hear ya sister! I have been doing 40min elyptical 5-6 days a week for almost 2 months and have lost 10 pounds. My sister has lost 10 in a week! Happy for her-frustrated for me....but I keep going because it's good for me and that makes me a better me for my family. I can't wait to read about the poop explosion. There's nothing funnier than poop stories.

Hang in there. You are an inspiration to others because you are willing to admit that it's not easy to drop the weight, and that life is not perfect once you're married and making babies. You say that it's tough, but that's just another reason to admire your continued determination to lose the weight. It IS tough, and you DO have days when you give in to the urges to eat, etc. BUT YOU KEEP WORKING AT IT EVEN SO. I'm always amazed with your personal strength, and the fact that you have the strength to admit your weaknesses just adds to my admiration of you. You are a wonderful, smart, hilariously crazy woman and I wish I could know you in real life so I could be your Acrobatic Dance Groupie.

ive been doing ww since oct05, ive lost 20 lbs. ive been at the same stalled spot since april. its quite possibly the most annoying thing ever. i havent even hit my 10%.

be proud, not ashamed. your daughter will benefit from it. youve accomplished so much, you truely are an inspiration...

I admire you for the words that flow from your mind. I know how difficult it must be to remember your pain and the fear your son had. I'm glad yu can share these feelings with US (the net). You are helping many woman out there. I know, cause I am one of them.

I suffered from depression and eating disorders for almost ten years. I hated my body with the fury of which you speak from fourth grade on. Finally, I snapped out of it, but I remember that feeling so well. I have also pulled my hair out and once I destroyed an umbrella and scared my mother and the cat. (I was childless at the time.)

Do what you need to do to get help. I'm totally serious. Sometimes it's just not easy to do it on your own. I found it helpful to focus on helping someone else - it helped me forget (for a few minutes) how much I hated myself.

If you want to hear more about my experience, write me. I know exactly how you feel.

I think I found your blog via Miss Zoot. I enjoy reading it, can totally relate, and appreciate your candor.

I just wrote this entry today, and thought you might appreciate it. :)

Thanks so much for sharing so openly about shame - i know my own emotions seem to go in circles sometimes - i went to the gym today because i am trying to work out everyday and struggled to do a basic workout - and the shame wants to kick in - you expressed it so well and your honesty encouraged me - even if you feel like a brokenrecord sometimes and like you keep being pulled to that dark place - keep getting up - you are doing a great job -

It's ok to be scared. And to feel the way you feel. Because you're human. The important thing is, you have realized that those things of the past are what drove you to your lowest point (one I have been familiar with myself, as well as many other women and mothers). You recognize that, and that my friend, is what will keep you from slipping again.
God bless. Hang tight.