Last night was The Second Return to Aerobic Dance Class.
You see, I had been avoiding it since the night that I had decided it would be a great idea to wear a thong to class.
I always wear my granny panties to class, because they are comfortable and I want to be comfortable when I'm doing great moves, such as The Monkey. Here's the thing. My Aerobic Dance instructor is adorable and I love her and I secretly want to be just like her, Russian accent and all.
The other night, I got the crazy idea to be just like Anna and NOT wear granny panties, but instead, to wear the ONE thong that I own. (Which, haha, is about a whole size too small.) I was all "I want to be sexy when I'm bending over during the stretches just like Anna!"
About 5 minutes into the dance (which happened to be "The Latin Dance".) I realized that I had made a huge mistake by wearing the thong to dance class. The first time that I took a step, my ass opened up and swollwed that thing WHOLE and OMG! PAIN! EMBARASSMENT! SHAME! But mostly... PAIN!"
All I could think about was how obvious it must have been to everyone behind me that my ass had eaten my thong and I couldn't think about anything but "the missing thong." I was trying to get into the dance, to be one with the dance, to let my aerobic dance greateness shine through like it always does, but I couldn't stop thinking about the stupid thong. Anna would be all "Mambo!" and I would be all "SHIT! THONG! UP MY ASS! CAN'T.MOVE!"
I may as well have worn a blinking sign on my ass that night.
.
(Oh Em Gee, is she avoiding talking about her previous entry? I think she is!)
That was the first time that I did not enjoy an aerobic dance class. The first time that I almost faked getting injured so that I could leave class early. The first time that I walked out saying "I'LL NEVER GO BACK AGAIN!"
(Oh, so hilarious when I get all cinematically dramatic about aerobic dance class.)
God, that sounds so dumb. Vowing to never do something that I love so much because my ass decided to "chew a little fiber", wounding my precious crack and quite possibly my pride. But? I hadn't gone back since that class.
Until last night.
Do I need to tell you that I didn't wear a thong, but, rather, a very large pair of pale blue cotton panties that have pictures of "water wells" scattered about?
When Anna saw me, she asked me where I had been for all of these weeks, because she's missed me "so much." I thought about it for a second. "UM, how do I tell this women that I haven't been here because I was humiliated when the thong that I wore in a lame attempt to be just like her, was viciously chewed up and swallowed by my buttocks?"
"I've just been lazy." I blurted out.
"Oh, don't be lazy! Come! Dance! I need you here."
(Oh my God! She needs me! Anna needs me!)
And then, she did the greatest thing that anyone has done for me in like 4 whole days and said "Well, I'm happy you're here! Tonight, we do The Dirty Dance.
My God, I love that woman.
But not as much as I love thrusting my hips to a beautiful melody and "Then you roll your tongue, from the crack back to the front" blasting from the speakers.
OMG, you just had me laughing so hard I actually snorted in my office.
I desperately want to find an aerobic dance class in my area, but since I am broke, I just went out and bought one of the Crunch DVDs instead ... not the same, but still a more fun workout than walking around the park.