That exercising thing makes sense to me... I know for my puppy, if we don't exercise her every day, her behavior goes downhill FAST. Not saying you're a dog... but that, there's validity in your theory. :-)

Glad you clarified that you're not calling me a dog, because I was just about to say "ARE YOU CALLING ME A DOG?!"

(not really.)

My psychiatrist is the one who preached "exercise" to me every time I'd see him. He'd tell me to go out for a walk, that it would make me feel better. And I'd cry and say "but I don't FEEL like going for a walk!" and he'd say "I understand that, but once you go do it, you'll FEEL better."

Once I finally decided to listen to him, I found out that he was right. The hard part was getting out of the house.

That's ALWAYS been the hardest part. Once I'm there, and once I'm working out, I always feel better.

Oh good, I'm not the only one who doesn't like Grey's Anatomy. I've seen only two episodes and I cannot, for the life of me, figure out what everyone loves so much about it.

I'm the same way with exercise and depression, and I agree that the hardest part is actually going out and doing it, because when I'm depressed it's all I can do not to lie in bed, stuff my face with chocolate and mac n cheese, or shower all day. (For some reason, showers temporarily make me feel better so I'll just stand or sit in there til the water turns cold.) Unfortunately, I can't afford a gym membership these days. I used to walk to and from work everyday to make sure I got some exercise and exposure to sunlight, but now that it's winter it's too damn cold to do that.

I'm totally with you on the exercise thing. Going to the gym just makes me feel less tired, don't ask me how but it does. That, and there's also the feeling of accomplishment that shields me from any other guilt I might feel about my day. It's like getting to watch tv in your perfectly clean living room...not that my living room is perfectly clean more than once or twice a year.

Dude, you are the only one who can ever yank me out of lurkdom to comment (which is rare), because I feel like you SO get me, or I get you, or something.

I'm the exact same way, exercise is the only thing that keeps me sane. I'm pregnant and never feel like moving, much less exercising, so I've been in a huge funk for weeks now. You are so right about the hardest part being getting out of the house. Why is that such a huge deal? It makes no sense, yet the pull to stay home is so powerful.

I watched a few episodes of Grey's and was all, WHAT IS THE BIG DEAL? And promptly forgot about it.

And then somehow by accident I watched like two more episodes. And then like three or four more. Aaaand they got me. I am officially converted and I am here to say that you can't judge because you don't know the BACK STORY and if you did you would have cried like a little baby during both hours, because Grey's is the best show ever, so there. I've become one of them and I'm not sorry.

I love Greys Anatomy, but was also irritated by Izzies (the blonde) speech about believing, etc. It was just a bit much. I bought my Mom a Netflix subscription for Christmas and added all of the Greys Anatomy episodes to her list against her will because I believe she will enjoy it too, lol. I think you should give it another chance, I even found Izzy nauseating this time so we may have the same taste in television.

I have to say though, I'm bummed, you are the second person today to spoil last nights episode for me as I Tivo'd it and always watch it the next night. The first was the radio station I listen to.

I cried like a baby last night....when I went to put on some SEXAY panties from awhile ago and they DID.NOT.FIT not a little snug, like skin was falling out of them and if my if I looked at myself front on I couldn't see them because they were lost in the monster I call BUDDAH.
Then I hate myself and husband wants to know why and I feel dumb, stupid and ashamed. I HATE how my own fat can be so CONDESENDING.
Wow that felt good.
Glad you are getting back into the swing of things!!! Keep it up!

I know they're not easily affordable if you're on a budget, but have you looked on craigslist for a treadmill? They go for $500+ in stores but I found one for, like, $200 on craigslist. I have a hard time motivating myself, even though I'm always, "Oh, well, I'll work out later. I'll splurge this week and cut back the next." I do the same thing and it sucks and I have a wedding in four months where everyone will be watching me. So I'm hoping that having a treadmill at home will cut out any excuses I could come up with.

Anyway.

I'm with you, Y. I know you can get where you want to be, physically, because you made AWESOME progress before. We're all rooting for you!

The exercise is the only way to combat depression is completely true for me too.

...and I haven't been to the gym all week. (my own fault)

Grrrrrrrrr.

Y,
Wow your tummy looks just like mine... only imagine it with barely B's above it.
I find your post inspiring though, and I totally agree; at 35 with 2 kids I will never be a size 6 again, but I can be healthy. That's such a good message.
J

Y, I am huge fan and have been for a while, but this is my first comment. As usual, I laughed out loud at your post, but more i n the "ah, how is it you can watch TWO episodes of Grey's Anatomy and have EXACTLY the same reaction as me who watches every one with a laser-like intensity?!" sort of laugh. You nailed it. Blond girl IS annoying and selfish and selfcentered. And the new episode last night? Terrible! But seriously ,if you stick with it, they have had some transcendentally good episodes in the past, and I hope they will again. When they nail it, they really nail it. Umm, sort of like pighunter, I guess! ;-)

Hey, thanks for being so open. That's one of my favorite things about reading your blog!
I started taking karate about 5 months ago and I LOVE LOVE LOVE it. There's stretching, there's aerobic activity....I get to hit things. It's great. It came in really handy when the people from the Discover card ticked me off earlier and I was able to get off the phone and throw some punches in the air and let of steam instead of screaming at the top of my lungs and scaring the bejeezus out of my kids!

hi! Umm, that picture could totally be me -except my boobs aren't that big, and I'm still in a nursing bra. But, today, I said the D word, too - but only to myself. It WAS a problem but being pregnant and a new mom 'cured' me until....now. I don'g know why- maybe I haven't taken my vitamis often enough. but it is awful!!!! I know how you feel (yes, I do.) I don't know, this probably isn't helping you. But, I love your blog. You, I think, are wonderful!!! even if I didn't get a "personal" email from you after that one post. (I am still hopefully checking my mail each day....) so, I guess I just have to do more exercise each day, even in the annoying rainy season here with my husband working until like 9 pm each night..ok, I will stop now - but I still love you!!!!!!

Ummm, I'm not illiterate....just too much of the wines...it is almost midnight here in Naples!!

Oh Y, I love when you make me laugh and cry all in the same post. :) You're very brave for saying the D word to Tony. I can't say it to my hubby (or anyone) yet and it's been a year (since Bek was born) that I've been like this! Fortunately exercise seems to help me too. Gee, way to turn your post all about me. ;) hehe

How is your back? Didja get a new chair?

I totally understand what you're going through, Y. I feel so much better if I exercie, too -- it's just actually getting to the gym.. Good Luck!!

I love it when you write! Like this! With many! Exclamation points!

No, I really do.

You're so brave for writing all of this. It must be cathartic. I wish I could do it.

"I think that it has less to do with the size I’m wearing and everything to do with being unhealthy. (If that even makes sense.)"

That makes more sense that anything I have heard all week. Good for you!!

Would your size six dress and mine like to go on a date? ;) They are all dressed up and have no where to go.

I have no idea about Grey's because I am English and do we even get that here? But I really know what you mean about the whole gaining back what you lost and one day it is the end of the world but not the end enough to actually stop bloody well eating! I am right at telling myself how great it was that I lost that 38lbs that I just put back on because otherwise? Hell I would be huger than I am now even, how depressing that now we have to start all over again and .........you know what I mean. Exercise? Oh how I really hate that, really.

I am so glad I read this. I had five pounds that went to ten that is now pushing 15. I am eating crap again. For the past week, I have been telling myself I need to get it together. I didn't even consider the funk I have been in may have been due to all of that. Doh.
Oh and...
"(But that Bone sure does know how to Stuff My Enchilada, so I forgive it.)"

Bwahhahahaha!

Just have to say two things. One: you have got some big ol' boobies. I'm jealous. Two: A weeping little asshole? Thanks for the visual. Very nice.

Wow, that was like reading what's in my head. Two years ago I lost 125 pounds. I ate right, I didn't go to the gym but I walked for at least an hour a day and exercised at home. I felt really good about myself for the first time in my life. I went from a size 28 to a 10. I cried right in the middle of The Wal-Mart when I realized I could buy anything I wanted and it would fit. And then I got depressed and as before, I started using food for comfort again. I thought, "why bother, who cares if I'm thin" and started eating everything in sight and quit exercising. Every day I wake up and think ok, todays the day! But wait... I'll just have one more good lunch/dinner and THENNNN.... yeah. I've "just one more'd" back 40 pounds now and feel awful both physically and mentally (even though i didn't base my worth on my size when i weighed 280 for some reason i do now because of the weight gain) but I just can't seem to get back into the swing of things. Bah. Humbug.

i watch greys all the time and really do love the show. it's actually the only thing on tv that i can stomach on a regular basis. last night's episode was not the best, but i still liked it. izzy actually said a tub of butter... and she was referring to the fact that she actually ate a tub of butter when she went through her depression after denny died. yes she's self absorbed 98% of the time, but really, does anyone NOT know someone like that? also, from what i understood, meredith wasnt actually dead for an hour. it just took an hour to show all of what happened in that time. anyway, i do love the show, and it took me the whole first season to actually get into it. starting in the middle is never a good idea with a show like this though... because you don't actually know the characters and all thier quirks. i can honestly say that lately, meredith has been more annoying than izzy, which is quite sad. lol

oh by the way, congrats on going back to the gym. i have yet to get myself motivated enough... or save enough money to even pay for one month at the gym. maybe someday.

Hey Y,
you are so right about the exercising= better mood. I have been the biggest couch potato my whole life, until last year. My best friend asked me to start running with her. What? Are you on crack- I don't exercise. Just try it. So I did, now I am hooked, because the endorphins you get are awesome. Best drug ever! So good I ran a half marathon, and then an entire marathon! Who'd thunk it. I recently had an injury and had to stop running for a while and whoa- totally in the dumps. I had to ask my physiatrist if I could up my dosage on my anti- depressants. So long story short- give running a try, it might be the best thing you ever did for yourself.

P.S. I tried the Greys Anatomy thing too- since thats what the cool kids are watching. But it totally BLOWS!

www.foodaddicts.org

I love this post! I know you are going to reach your goals, because you know yourself well enough to know exactly what you need to do.

Btw, I have never seen an episode of Grey's either.

i just love you. i hope you take that the right way. (not in a, "oh shit, she's a web stalker" kinda way, but more like a "man, she appreciates me truly" kinda way.)

i love how honest you are. about working out, not working out, your body, your Valentine's chocolate, and your feelings about Grey's. your humor makes me smile. and i have strep right now, so not much is making me smile at the moment.

i have been a grey's fan since the beginning, and i finally convinced my boyfriend to sit down and watch an episode with me last night.
imagine my fury.
he's all see, you have bad taste.
and i'm all no, i swear! it's never been that lame before! it's usually very good!

sigh.
but for real. it is usually better than that.
i mean, i cried and all, but inside i was like wtf?

p.s.
my fat rolls feel your pain, sister.

p.s.
i hate my computer because it remembers things and it just told the internet my last name.

have you done Weight Watchers before? my man weighed in at 296.6lbs five weeks ago and is down TWENTY lbs. yep. Not saying you should, just saying it's working for him, fer shizzle.

(and -may I say? -your boobs are AWEsome. don't lose those, mmmkay?)

Yes, gorgeous boobs. You rock, and I believe you can do it.

omg, your boobs look like that after nursing three kiddos? And you can wear the Gilligan O'Malley bras? My girls did not like them, despite the fact that I told them they looked just like the Vicki's Secret ones at a third of the price! They got depressed and started staring at my shoes until I bought them a different bra!

I was 210# and an 18W when I got pregnant (I'm 5'8") and though I lost a bunch while nursing, I gained it all back when my mom died and my milk dried up. I finally got sick of killing my grief with food and went to my doctor in November to ask for help with my stress-driven appetite. He put me on Meridia and I put myself back on WW. It's expensive but as the doctor told me, I eat way less and save more than the $92 it costs a month. And now I eat super-healthy food and love it. Today I weigh 167# and am a size 12. 17 more pounds to go and I will be at my nice slimmish college weight. In any case, not pushing the drug, I just want you to know I get what a vicious cycle depression, delicious food and dress sizes can be.

So, an offer, one busty zaftig CA chick to another? Next time you're in my neck of the woods, I will take you down to the Enchantress in Oldtown, and you can get fitted for a new bra, my treat. It will make your back and shoulders feel better and you have probably changed sizes with the weight loss anyway! You'd be surprised, I thought I was a 38DDD, I'm a 34FF and I can BREATHE and I have A TORSO now. Think about it, the offer is always open, and I would be more than happy to pay a little of my happiness forward. You are gorgeous, inside and out, don't forget that! Anyone can be a size 6, really. Nobody else can do The Worm and make us laugh and cry like our Y.

Do you have someone that can be an accountability partner that you can excercise with or something other than just going to the gym that you can do? I walk with my next door neighbor 2 times a day and then we play volleyball with a bunch of "moms" from school at our kids school on Tuesdays for 1 1/2 hours. It is a great way to get me off my lazy ass to actually excercise!! Especially if I know that someone else is counting on me to be accountable to her too!! Just a thought...

Is it a bad thing if I say I now have boob envy? Seriously.

Good luck to you in your gym-journey. I admire your openness and persistence (and your boobs, of course). ;^)

Bossy loves your new stomach tattoo but sort of hopes you didn't also shave your head. Keep up the good work!

Hey, I just wanted to say that I'm TOTALLY with you on the needing to be active to be happy. I get into the exact same cycle where at some point I decide that food needs to replace joy, and 10 pounds later I look in the mirror and then eat another donut. Then, when I finally go outside and run around, I find that my whole life seems to be full of purpose again. Go figure.
You rock!

omg! omg!

i never watch grey's anatomy. in fact, my boyfriend was flipping through the channels and said, "we could watch grey's anatomy" to which i replied, "i hate that show, it's boring."

and then, OMG hooked! i missed the first five minutes, but whatever! i was TOTALLY FREAKING HOOKED. and i hate that blonde girl and her stupid speech and i also hated the weird "afterlife" bullcrap. give me medical drama, not schmaltz! give me disasters, not prissy actresses talking about eating butter!

that said, i'm totally watching it again. hah.

I know exactly what you mean. I was so good this last year about exercising and eating right, until about the middle of summer. Then I was pretty busy outside, so I wasn't excercising as much, but still eating right. And the I kept on not exercising, then the holidays attacked, and while I'm not having to start over from scratch, I'm not every happy with how far I've let it go. Like I told my husband the other day, I have to stop making excuses for myself, because I need to exercise now more than ever, to stop the down spiral.

"Grey's Anatomy" is fast descending into "Ally McBeal"dom. (In case it's not abundantly obvious, that is a terrible, terrible thing.) I used to adore the show, but now I alternate between wanting to throttle Meredith's, and wanting to feed her a huge ass pot of mac and cheese. I'm currently working on a plan to do both simultaneously.

I will hop on the boob bandwagon (Boobwagon?) and tell you that they are indeed awesome... as are you for writing such an honest post.

(You know, of course, what this post did to me, right? ;) )

You are SO brave! I can hardly look at my reflection in the mirror, much less post for the scrutiny of The Internet. I must say that I am feeling like we are awfully simpatico right now. I had a baby about 6 months ago. During my pregnancy I gained 50 pounds. After I delivered I promptly lost 25 and then? Then nothing happened. I'm breastfeeding so I thought I'd be burning extra calories. Problem is, I'm fucking starving All The Time. In the last month I've actually GAINED 5 pounds. Shit. I have 25+ pounds to lose. I have also battled depression my entire adult life and it's pretty bad right now. I've always been able to talk about it openly with my husband but for some reason this time I can't find the words. Anyway. We're joining a gym and I AM GOING to start working out. It's a really expensive gym and if I don't go at least 3 times/week it's a total waste of $. Hoping this will be a motivator. Also? Would like to take the baby to the beach this summer and the mere thought of a bathing suit makes me shake in fear. And when I shake in fear, things jiggle. Ew.

Btw...Grey's Anatomy is basically a soap opera. I watch it, but I expect it to be much like All My Children. Hammy, emotive (is that a word?) and Jeebus I wish Meredith would STOP whining all the time! If you want some really excellent TV, try Friday Night Lights. Best show on the tube, I swear.

You are SO brave! I can hardly look at my reflection in the mirror, much less post for the scrutiny of The Internet. I must say that I am feeling like we are awfully simpatico right now. I had a baby about 6 months ago. During my pregnancy I gained 50 pounds. After I delivered I promptly lost 25 and then? Then nothing happened. I'm breastfeeding so I thought I'd be burning extra calories. Problem is, I'm fucking starving All The Time. In the last month I've actually GAINED 5 pounds. Shit. I have 25+ pounds to lose. I have also battled depression my entire adult life and it's pretty bad right now. I've always been able to talk about it openly with my husband but for some reason this time I can't find the words. Anyway. We're joining a gym and I AM GOING to start working out. It's a really expensive gym and if I don't go at least 3 times/week it's a total waste of $. Hoping this will be a motivator. Also? Would like to take the baby to the beach this summer and the mere thought of a bathing suit makes me shake in fear. And when I shake in fear, things jiggle. Ew. So I wish both of us Much Luck, Determination, Strength, Hope and Courage. Go Us.

Btw...Grey's Anatomy is basically a soap opera. I watch it, but I expect it to be much like All My Children. Hammy, emotive (is that a word?) and Jeebus I wish Meredith would STOP whining all the time! If you want some really excellent TV, try Friday Night Lights. Best show on the tube, I swear.

Sorry. For a moment I forgot to read, as I was staring at those gazangas! (And I thought I was well endowed on the top)
I'm with you, Y. I've been sick off an on since the beginning of the year, and have NOT been going to the gym. As a result, I am now at my heaviest weight ever. I am so sad about it. And I have to do something about it.

But really, your boobages are spectacular!

Yes, we could coin a new word here: you ARE boobelacious! As a hetero compliment and all ;-) Great sharing of your heart, as per usual. I hope it all works out for you and yes, I totally agree. There's nothing like working out to feel better on every level. Too bad I never remember that except once in a while. Because the payoff from going is huge. We've both lived that. Gotta get back after it, I guess. You're wonderful. AND boobelacious!

Oh Y,

You inspire me with your honesty - it's hard for everyone in our situation. We know we feel better when we exercise... but the gravitational pull of that bucket of fried chicken and the couch are....just...too...powerful.

Keep up the fight.

i love that you watch "i love new york" and "the surreal life" (i don't know about you, but i wish chyna doll would disappear and fast).

thanks for making me laugh :)

Must agree with the masses- the boobs are H-O-T!

That said, I absolutely applaud your bravery. I have gained so.much.frickin'.weight. that it is depresssing. I have just now decided to work on losing it. I have been changing my eating habits and have lost five pounds! Only fourty-five more to go! I am trying Pilates. I have a really fucked up knee and there aren't a lot of options for me now.

I love Grey's and the Surreal Life. I have got my hubby totally hooked on Grey's, too!! Bwwwaahhaaa!

It's a bitch, ain't no joke. I tend to try and make it about life and longevity, nothing more. Your courage and honesty is humbling. I'd try to give some pearls of wisdom but qwe are each so different. Just today my husband had to tell me to slow down on the treadmill, I was ready to get off. I hope you can find what works for you!

You are so brave and strong and powerful and wonderful and honest. Know that you're inspiring so many women, even as you feel you lack inspiration yourself.

I have GOT to start drawing on my tummy.

Hang in there, Y. I dig your honesty and candor, and it looks like you have a whole big efamily rooting you on.

Delurking to say wow you are brave - I don't think I could post my belly flab out there on the internet for all to see, even if my rack looked as good as yours. After 4 babies in 7 years and being only 4'10" in the first place, I've got so much stretched out skin that even if I lose the weight the flab will still be there. I too am just trying to focus on being healthy, both physically and mentally, no matter what I look like.

You are beautiful and courageous and inspiring, no matter what you weigh.

And? I've never seen Grey's Anatomy - just not interested. I watched AI and then read instead.

Here's an interesting bit of perspective. While you probably thought the picture was of your stomach, I was mesmerorized by your lovely rack. See, I have a flat stomach and an equally flat chest - like 36A flat - and spend my time gazing longingly at my fellow sisters who can fill out a nontraining bra.

It's all greener on the other side of the fence, is it not?

You're beautiful, and exercising will only make you feel more empowered.

And yes, Izzie's speech totally sucked.

Hi! I just found your blog today (followed a link from another blog), and I just wanted to tell you that I REALLY enjoyed this entry. And also, I want to say that I think that picture totally works against your stated goals, because you look great. Really beautiful. And I have absolutely zero reason to kiss up to you, I'm a total stranger who is only reading your blog for the first time today, and I truly mean it. You look great. Your tummy looks like you've been pregnant, and that's ALL. And there is nothing wrong with having been pregnant.

I agree; you look fantastic. But we're all our own worst critic, so I understand. By the way, I read your comment on the stranger who asked you if all three of your kids are from the same dad. WHAT IS THAT?? I have four kids, 9 months, four years, nine and eleven. I have been asked that twice. The last woman who asked me made me feel so weird and defensive that I just said, "I don't know." I highly recommend it as an answer.