You know how I was all “Hey! You should watch The Old Adventures of New Christine because I totally interviewed the cast!”
So, um, did you watch it?
Because I didn’t.
But! It’s not my fault! You see, last night I went to Aerobic Dance Class and just before I left, I looked PigHunter in the eye and said “Babe, can you please record TNAOOC for me?”
He shot back with a bit of an attitude. “Why? Why do I have to record it?”
“Um, because I want to watch it but since I also want to go to Aerobic Dance, I need you to record it so I can watch it when I get home.”
“uh, ok.”
Apparently “Uh, ok” means, “I’m going to totally get sucked into Deal or No Deal and forget all about recording your show, but um, hey, next time you want to watch a show, set the dvr yourself or stay home and watch it!”
I can’t say that I regret going to Aerobic Dance Class, but I can say that I regret trusting A MAN to do something he said he was going to do.
Oh, but I am joking. Men are wonderful and I’m not just saying that because they get boners.
(We interrupt this post to bring you some breaking news. Y is being stalked by a little black spider. When she went to go get a glass of diet pepsi, he was hanging from her door jam. She knocked it down with a dirty sock and tried to find it to kill it, but he was nowhere to be found. A few minutes later, she was making her bed and he appeared on her bed post, all staring at her like “Watchu’gonna do to me now, bitch?” She ran to get a piece of toilet paper to smash it, but by the time she got back, the little asshole had disappeared. Just now as she was typing this post, he started running up the wall next to her computer desk. She swears he flipped her the bird and he scurried off into the corner of the window sill. Y is now afraid for her life and doesn’t know how she’s going to sleep tonight knowing a little black stalker is waiting to attack her in her sleep.)
I wish I had a great story to tell you about Aerobic Dance Class last night, but I do not, because – and it kills me a little on the inside to say this outloud—[little voice] it kind of sucked [/little voice]
For starters, me and my cousin (who has been taking this class with me since the beginning of time.) were the only people in the class. Well, until Snotty Mc. Spandex showed up just before the music started pumping.
Normally, I would have LOVED to have been one of only 3 people in class because HELLO ATTENTION FROM THE INSTRUCTOR! But, she announced that she was going to be teaching “The Belly Dance” and, well, all of the extra weight I’m carrying around combined with the fact that I forgot to tie a sweatshirt around my waist to help camouflage The Jiggle, I was so not comfortable with doing things like “The Shimmy” and “The Figure 8.”
I was so paranoid about The Jiggle the entire class that it was hard to enjoy the dance. And it didn’t help that every 3 seconds Anna would look DIRECTLY AT MY STOMACH and shout “Abdominals IN! Keep your abdominals IN!”
I wanted to lift up my shirt and scream “THEY ARE AS IN AS THEY ARE GOING TO GET, WOMAN.” Because no matter how hard I suck that shit in, my “abdominals” are still going to look like a freshly popped open can of biscuits on board a bus ride through a rocky dirt road.
The entire class I kept thinking “inside of this overweight tub o’lard lives a really hot, muscular woman who isn’t afraid to “Shimmy Faster” I could feel her wanting to bust out from inside me and THRUST HER HIPS HARDER!” But last night I was so aware of just how much weight I’ve put on and how lumpy and jiggly my body has become again that I couldn’t enjoy the class like I have in the past.
I had these feelings when I first started taking Aerobic Dance Class, but as time went on and I lost weight and became more confident in My Moves, I stopped caring about The Lumps and The Jiggles and just started to have fun with it.
I want to have fun with it again, damn it. I want to love The Aerobic Dance like I did in 2005.
My issues with my body weren’t the only reasons the class sucked. The dance itself was a liiiiiiittle lame. She’s done belly dancing before and I remember it being fun and exciting and it making me a little hornay because of all of the moves involving hip thrusts. Last night it was dull and she only had a combination of 6 moves, which, for a pro like me, is like, boooooring.
Whoops, did that make me sound like an aerobic dancing snob?
Anyway, I plan on incorporating some new and different workouts into my routine. I’m going to start “running” at the park, doing more free weights and maybe, perhaps, quite possibly [little voice] doing a little Billy Blanks Boot Camp up in my family room. [/little voice].
(Ha! Ha! I said “new” and “different”.)
I think someone needs to invent a “workout and burn thousands of calories whilst sitting at your computer balawwwwwging” dvd because dudes, that would rule.
I love you just for this alone.
Because no matter how hard I suck that shit in, my “abdominals” are still going to look like a freshly popped open can of biscuits on board a bus ride through a rocky dirt road."
I feel your pain right there.
I am going to have to make me some poppin fresh bisquits this weekend!
nm