My parents are going to Palm Springs for a few days and my mouth is watering from the excitement I feel at having the house to ourselves.
It feels just as exciting as it did when I was 18, engaged and still living at home when my parents decided to go on vacation for a week! And I couldn’t go because I had a job! And me and Fiancé Pig Hunter could have “picnics” without fear of my mom or dad driving up and catching us partaking of one another’s “all beef and tuna sandwiches”.
I want to text message all of my 3 friends and be like “OMG, mom n dad r leaving 4 2 days!! Party at their house! P.S bring a 40!!”
But really, I’m just excited that for two entire days I can read TMZ without my mom looking over my shoulder going on and on about what a waste of time it is to read about celebrities and their drugs and their sex and their SIN!
I’m also happy that for 2 days I will not have to listen to my mother’s thinly veiled insults that are neither thin nor veiled.
Example-
Me: I hate it when he says things like that, but he learned them from me, he acts just like me.
My Mom: I know. That kid wants to be just like you….Unfortunately.
Don’t feel too sad for me though, my mother does love me, she just doesn’t like me very much. But more on that later as there is already a post in which I try to define my relationship with my mother sitting in “draft mode.”
I can only imagine that my parents are just as excited to be getting away for a few days because 5 very loud Mexicans have invaded their personal space and I’m sure they would love nothing more than to do things like “Pray” in peace. (That’s RIGHT they’re going to spend their time alone in that beautiful hotel room PRAYING because, just like YOUR parents, my parents do not have sex!)
And that is why you will not hear me complaining about my parents, because as annoying as they can be, the five of US are more annoying. Also, it was very kind and generous of them to offer their house to us. I am truly grateful. So, out of respect for the kindness, I will not from talk about them in a negative way—with ONE exception.
I WILL write about one of my mother’s disgusting habits. Like, wiping the kitchen counter tops with the SAME dish rag she had just wiped the steak juice off of the WOODEN cutting board with and then throwing that same dish rag in the washer with a load of clothes I had just put in that contained articles of clothing that TOUCH MY VAGINAL AREA.
(And it wasn’t even a “hot water” wash either, people. I honestly didn’t think people who weren’t my Grandma actually did stuff like that.)
Anyway.
The Parents are gone and I can’t decide what I want to do first. Have The Legal and Jesus Approved Sex? Or drink some wine in the garage (because I wouldn’t even dare to bring Devil Water inside of this house, for fear of being struck down by The Lord Himself.)
I think I’m going with The Sex.
Well you know Y you could always just bring your devil water and The Legal and Jesus Approved Sex into the garage.....?...