Joy Unexpected | This Blog is Poison to Your Brains!

March 3, 2005

Mommy

You'd think I'd be happy for my son. Happy that he's a year older, that he's one year away from being The Teenager. He's happy, so like any good mother, I should be happy for him.

I'm sorry to say, I'm not happy.

I'm sad.

Sad. Sad. Sad.

Sad because he's growing too fast. I can't handle the speed at which he's approaching adulthood. I wasn't prepared for the emotions that come with watching my babies grow up. No one told me it would be this hard, no one told me it would hurt this much. Why didn't anyone warn me?

I remember the day he asked me if he could call me "mom" instead of mommy. Oh, how my heart broke into a million little pieces.

"Why do you want to call me mom? Why not mommy?"

"Because, I'm a big boy now, so I want to call you mom. Is that ok?"

I forced a smile as I replied "Of course it's ok, mi hijo"

But it wasn't ok. I wasn't ready to be "Mom" yet. I wanted to be mommy for just a little longer.

Before I knew it, all of the little things I loved about being a mother, the things I had taken for granted, were being taken away from me.

I wasn't allowed to kiss him when I dropped him off at school, nor was I allowed to hold his hand in public. Oh, and "please don't shout out "I love you" when I walk away, Mom."

Perhaps I knew that day would come, the day where my son would be too cool to hold my hand in public, but I chose to live in denial about it. I'd heard other mothers joking about it "Just wait until he doesn't want to hold your hand in public anymore" they'd say, as they'd laugh. I'd laugh with them, or should I say at them. I'd think to myself "Ha! My kids will ALWAYS want to hold my hand! I'm so sorry for you, but that will NEVER happen to me."

Boy, was I wrong.

I hate it. I hate it hate it hate it. I hate it so much I'm throwing a tatrum right now. A big, FAT tantrum. It sucks! It's stupid! WHY DOES IT HAVE TO BE LIKE THIS? I want to be mommy again. I want to hold his hand and kiss him and scream "I LOVE YOU" at the top of my lungs whenver and wherever I feel like it and I want him to be ok with that, and not be embarrassed about it, just like The Old Days. The days where he was proud to hold my hand, where he loved my kisses on his cheeks, no matter WHO was watching.

It feels good to let it out. To cry about it, to be sad about it, to throw a full blown tantrum about it, because, what else CAN I do about it?

Accept it? Yeah. That's what.

Sigh.

Posted by Y at March 3, 2005 5:00 PM

Comments

Awww! so cute!!

Posted by: eve at March 3, 2005 10:48 PM

I love the pics :)

Posted by: Mona at March 3, 2005 11:05 PM

In a few years, he'll be hugging you in public again. That stuff goes in cycles. For a few years, kids are too old and cool to need mommy, and then, when they're older, they want us again. Just wait it out. My son would barely acknowledge me for about five years, and now he's 24 and takes my arm when we walk, and hugs me and tells me he loves me all the time. He phones, just to talk. After all those years of being ignored, it's awesome. So yeah. Just wait it out. And I know; it's the waiting that's hard.

Posted by: Mamacita at March 3, 2005 11:32 PM

It's not easy watching your babies grow up and not 'need' you quite as much as they did in the past. I've been a mom for 21 years and still go through that sort of thing. I'm pretty sure that what you are feeling is normal. You're doing an awesome job Yvonne. Thanks for sharing!

Posted by: MsInterpreted at March 3, 2005 11:41 PM

Cute picture. Our older son turned 12 on Feb. 28 so I know what you're going through. How do they get so BIG so fast?

Posted by: christina at March 3, 2005 11:43 PM

You've got me sobbing now. :'( I don't want my babies to grow up, either. That's the absolute hardest part of being a parent.

Posted by: Christine at March 3, 2005 11:53 PM

He's really beautiful. He looks just like you!

Posted by: cindy at March 4, 2005 12:45 AM

this just totally made me tear up. your kids are blessed with an awesome mom and get to grow up with so much love, it's just wonderful. you rock. and -- happy belated birthday to him from good old europe ;o)

Posted by: kim at March 4, 2005 1:13 AM

PS: you look great!

Posted by: kim at March 4, 2005 1:13 AM

Both my brothers were 25 when they let mom kiss em whenever, and hold their hands. Oh, and you have to embarass him now and then; that's your job when he hits the teen years. ;-)

Posted by: etherian at March 4, 2005 1:39 AM

Just be patient and things will come full circle. I'm 28 and I call my mother "Mummy", hug and kiss her all the time, and sit on her knee (well, I try to, but as she only weighs about 80lbs, it's not easy...)

Keep reminding yourself that he loves you, and be proud that you've raised such an amazing young man!

Posted by: Mellissa at March 4, 2005 2:06 AM

What a fantastic post! I feel the same way about Mia every day... She is 14 and starting to be independent. NO FAIR!

I can't believe how much he looks like you. Two [gorgeous] peas in a pod!

Posted by: kristal at March 4, 2005 4:37 AM

I don't know if boys are anything like girls, but I went through a phase like that and then after I left for college, I wanted my mommy all over again. we become super close and she was no longer that lady that embarrassed me in public. well, she still embarrassed me in public, but it didn't bother me anymore. :)

Posted by: girl at March 4, 2005 5:04 AM

Aww, it is so hard isn't it? Sebastian will still hold my hand but not mark. He's almost as tall as me now and wearing big guy clothes. It sucks. Pass the kleenex.

Posted by: kat at March 4, 2005 8:13 AM

My brother stopped with all hugging, kissing, I love you-ing, etc. at the age of ten. Sometime after he turned 20, he went back to the hugging, kissing, hand-holding, I love you-ing... and we're pretty sure it's gonna last since he's 27 now and still doing it.

Posted by: Louise at March 4, 2005 8:18 AM

Don't worry Yvonne, once the teenager years are over he'll be hugging and kissing you again. :)

I still can't get over how much he looks like you! SO cute!

Posted by: Stacey at March 4, 2005 8:22 AM

I'm facing these issues my very self....they're awful to deal with. And what's even scarier...the more kids you have...the faster time seems to fly by. *sigh*

Posted by: Lujza at March 4, 2005 8:43 AM

I have been totally shocked at how strange it is to have two daughters, one 12 and one 3 months. I feel like I'm at a tennis match, looking back and forth at the two of them and screaming STOP ALREADY! WHO GAVE YOU PERMISSION TO GROW UP? I get a daily countdown to the number of days until Adrienne is a teenager. And Ruby keeps insisting on getting bigger everyday. OK, so three months isn't really grown up yet, but STILL!

Posted by: Shaunta at March 4, 2005 8:45 AM

I know exactly what you're saying. My only child turns 12 on the 20th this month.

Posted by: Heatheranne at March 4, 2005 9:07 AM

You stopped giving him kisses? LUCKY!(said like Napoleon) No matter how much I begged and begged my mom, she would still kiss me after she dropped me off at high school for my freshman and sophomore year...every morning. Infact, my first day of high school my mom took a picture of me walking away from the car to campus. Imagine her screaming out of her car...Turn around...smile...look over here again. She also took a picture as I left my house for the first day of my senior year. Again with the...Wait...smile...look here. Did I mention my mom secretly sent in an embarrassing picture of me when I was like 4 in a tweety bird bathing suit, face paint and plastic bangles up to my elbows to be put in my freshman yearbook? Ok, enough with the embarrassing stuff my mom did to me. The fact that you stopped kissing him makes me a bit bitter and could have saved me from embarrassment.

Posted by: Steph at March 4, 2005 10:16 AM

Wow talking about getting his momma's good looks, he looks just like you!!!

You'll always be his best friend. There will be times that he will forget that but then after he's done with his monster years he'll remember.

Posted by: kb at March 4, 2005 10:29 AM

Oh... god. I just weaned my kid. Like two days ago. Crap. I'm going to have to go through all of this with her too, aren't I? And I thought this part was hard.

At least we have the cutest kids on the planet, right?

-H

Posted by: Hed at March 4, 2005 10:51 AM

Those are such great pictures!

Posted by: Snidget at March 4, 2005 11:17 AM

Que hombrecito tan guapo!!! Que Dios los bendiga.

You are both so beautiful. :o)

Posted by: zee at March 4, 2005 12:48 PM

This year my daughter went away to college and my heart is still breaking. When I drove her there and watched that dormitory door close with her inside and me outside, I knew our relationship had changed and would never be the same again. She didn't need me in the way she had for the past 19 years, she was self sufficient and on her own.

There's been no bigger sadness for me in my entire life.

Posted by: danelle at March 4, 2005 2:43 PM

He is a beautiful boy & he will always be YOUR boy no matter how grown up they are... trust me, I still chase my 20year old son for kisses...lol

Posted by: Sandee at March 4, 2005 6:00 PM

It really is amazing how much the two of you look alike and Ethan looks just like his daddy. Maybe Gabby will be a mix between the two of you.
Andrew is an absolute doll, you will be getting another phone line for the never ending stream of phone calls from girls right?? You'll neeed it!
My oldest daughter, Ryan Marie, is graduating and moving out in May, I just can't believe it and I am soooo sad about it.
She will be 19 in September and it literally feels like just yesterday that she was born.

Happy belated B-day to Andrew!

Posted by: dawn at March 4, 2005 10:58 PM