I'm not in a "good place" emotionally right now. (Translation: I'm on my period.)
I want to write about it, but then, I don't.
I've failed again and I'm not feeling very proud of myself.
I find myself jealous of friends, of the great things happening to them, of their money, of their beauty, of their thin bodies, of their perky boobs.
I hate jealousy. Jealousy is an Ugly Bitch.
I'm feeling resentful towards my husband for not having bought me a house when we could have afforded one, of not asking for a raise, of not asking if he could get me a fucking glass of water when I was laying on the couch in pain.
I'm feeling violent towards Tom Cruise, the man who wants to judge and "call out" women who use anti depressents to deal with postpartum depression, but yet, is TOTALLY FINE for his precious Katie getting an epidural to numb the pain of childbirth. So, it's ok to block out the physical pain of childbirth, BUT GOD FORBID YOU TAKE A PILL TO HELP YOU WITH EMOTIONAL PAIN AND HOPELESSNESS AFTER THE BIRTH. God, I hate that asshole.
I feel bitter and angry. Angry at people in my life, but mostly, angry at myself.
For so many reasons.
I've been taking all of these feelings out on my body, which, means I've not been watching what I eat, nor have I been working out the way I should (hell yes, I'm still going to my Aerobic Dance Class. You'd have to chop a leg off to keep me away from that.) I've not weighed myself in 3 weeks and I have no plan on doing so anytime soon. I hate that I'm doing this to myself, especially after all of the progress I've made, after all of the hours I've spent in the gym to lose the 70+ pounds... But, yet, I can't seem to stop myself from doing it.
Self abuse is how I deal, people.
This is what happens when I become self absorbed.
You see, I have these three beautiful children. They are perfect in every way. They are funny, no! They are hilarious, and witty, and smart, and GET THIS! One of them can totally fart on command. Amazingly, those awesome kids LOVE ME.
That should be enough. That should make me want to eat a banana instead of opening up a can of chocolate frosting and washing it down with a bottle of wine because the eating the banana won't make me fat, nor will it cut my life span, unlike the chocolate, which will clog my arteries and perhaps, contribute to me developing diabetes.
SO WHY AM I NOT CHOOSING THE DAMN BANANA?
Because I'm feeling depressed, because I'm focusing on ME ME ME and feeling sorry for myself and bitter towards The Damn World and it's selfish and I'm pisses me off that I KNOW THIS and yet, continue to wah wah wah about it instead of THINKING OF THE CHILDREN.
This world would be a better place if we all just stopped what the hell we were doing and thought of the children.







I ate almost a whole can of chocolate icing last week!
I weighed and I have gained weight for the first time in a while.
:(