Growing up, I had neighbor who was a couple of years older than me. We were friends and would play everyday. One summer day, she came over to visit with my mom. We were all sitting at the kitchen table when my mom suddenly told me to leave the room.
I didn't understand and asked her why I had to leave. She told me that what they were going to talk about was "private" and "none of my business."
I remember feeling sick to my stomach and crying as I walked down the hall. What could my mother possibly have to talk about with my friend about that she couldn't say in front of me?
"Close the door behind you." My mom yelled.
I closed the door and sat next to the door, with my ear pressed firmly against it. I could hear the muffled sound of their voices and then, laughter. I began to cry like a baby.
I'll never forget the feelings I had as I sat in the room listening to my mom shoot the breeze with my friend. A conversation I was excluded from.
I felt jealous. Unworthy. Unimportant. Left out. Like an outider in my own home. Rejected.
I couldn't take it anymore and came running out of my room. My friend was leaving at that exact moment and as she left, she turned to my mother and said "Don't worry, I'll never tell. It's our secret."
She skipped out of the house, turned to look at me and shot me this taunting look that said "Ha! Your own mother doesn't think you're good enough to share in our secret."
Those feeling surface quite often in my life.
There are days where I feel so out of place in this world. Days where I feel like I'll never fit in, because I'll never be good enough.
Sometimes, I'll feel it when I log onto flickr and see all of the beautiful pictures everyone is taking with their expensive cameras and I know I can't keep up because I'll never be able to afford a good camera. Sometimes, I'll feel it when I make phone calls to friends and they don't answer, nor do they ever call me back. Sometimes I feel it when I read blogs and I realize I'll never be as good of a writer as most people I read. Sometimes I feel it when a friend tells me about a promotion they got a work, or the new house they're buying or the new car they're driving.
And in those moments, I feel like that little girl, on her bedroom floor, ear pressed against the door. I feel out of place, lonely, unimportant.
But mostly? Not good enough.
I know that people will misinterpret what I'm saying. "You should be grateful for what you have." The fact is I am incredibly grateful for what I do have in my life. A beautiful family, amazing children, a devoted husband.
It's not about that. It's just not. It's about feeling out of place, about feeling like I'll never measure up.
My pattern in life has been to accept these feelings as true. "I'll never be good enough, so why even bother?" In accepting that as truth, I've let many opportunities pass me by. And, if I'm being honest, perhaps I've used that as an excuse to not better myself as a person. (Whoa. That was what my not-a-friend, tom cruise, would call a "light bulb moment.)
I am no longer that young girl being forced to stay in her room. I am an adult woman with choices. I can free myself from these feelings of isolation and not being good enough at anytime by making peace with who I am and with my place in this world.
But I honestly do not know how to do that. Especially on days like today, where all I want to do is scream "I GIVE UP" at the top of my lungs and hide away in bedroom, which, at the moment, is the only place where I feel as though I belong.
OK- I gotta know- what was the damn secret between your mom and this girl? PA-LEASE tell me you know (now) and will tell us! Pretty please!
I feel like shouting- and have done so- many a days. My husband just gives me a crazed "dont bite me" look when i lose it.
Its okay to just scream once in awhile.
Just hollar, real loud..........
It will keep everyone on their toes!
lol