Growing up with a father in the ministry of saving souls was an "interesting" experience.
There are things that happened to me growing up that were traumatic and horrifying at the time, but that are hilarious and fun to write about today.
Things like "getting spanked for wearing CLEAR mascara", "falling off the stage whilst singing Jesus songs whilst wearing a head covering in front of the boy that I was in love with","getting spanked by my dad WHEN I WAS 18 YEARS OLD and my mom telling Tony, the man that I was ENGAGED TO, about it."
Then, there was a beautiful little thing that my dad liked to call "Devotions."
Devotions were supposed to be a time set aside during the day where the entire family would sit in a circle, read the bible and pray together. A time to grow closer to God as a family. Quite honestly, I think it's a beautiful concept. However, the way that it went down in our house was far from beautiful.
Every single "Devotion" experience ended up with someone getting in trouble for something (usually me, for being rebellious, or having a bad attitude, or refusing to raise my hands in church for Jesus because I was ashamed of him, but how I had "NO PROBLEM raising my hands and acting like a fool when the Dodgers scored a homerun!"), my dad yelling, people crying, me storming out of the room and slamming my door, then getting a spanking for doing such a thing.
Oh! The hilarity!
Devotions were changed forever (and not in a good way) the day my dad's church purchased their first xerox machine.
You see, once my dad had access to a copy machine, he began coming up with crazy uses for the machine. One day, he came home with a stack of freshly copied papers in his hand, and announced "TIME FOR DEVOTIONS!" He was always excited about Devotions, but on this day, he was a little more excited than usual.
"Today, we're going to sing songs to Jesus. I've made copies of some songs, so you'll know the words. Mom's going to play the piano for us!"
Oh man. I don't even know if I can accurately describe what happened next, but I'll try.
It started out innocently enough. My mom, playing some Jesus tunes on the piano while we sang along using the copies my dad had run to read the words. Then, my dad decided to turn the crazy on.
"You're not singing loud enough! Sing louder!"
My dad had an issue with the volume in which people sang to Jesus. I never understood it. Is Jesus hard of hearing? Or does he enjoy it more when you sing louder? I can understand if he had said "Sing it like you MEAN IT" but "louder?" I don't GET that.
Anyway.
We started singing a little louder, but it wasn't good enough for my dad. Once again, he shouted in his thick mexican accent that I wish you could hear, "LOUDER! SING LOUDER!"
We tried, but still wasn't good enough, so at that point, he decided to break it down by inciting a gender war. It was his way of singling out those who were not singing loud enough.
"ONLY THE GIRLS THIS TIME. ONLY THE GIRLS SING."
Um, there were only 3 girls in the house and my mom didn't count because she was BELTING out the tunes, so that left me and my sister. I wasn't going down for this, so I started belting it out, leaving my sister out to dry in the process. He made us go for a good 2 minutes before he decided to let us off the hook.
"Now, JUST THE BOYS, ONLY THE BOYS SING!"
My mom pounded away at the keyboard while my dad and my brothers sang as loud as they could.
"NOW EVERYBODY SING!"
It was at that moment that I started to rebel because OMG! WILL MY SINGING EVER BE LOUD ENOUGH FOR YOU AND AHHHHHH, THIS WHOLE SINGLING OUT THE SEXES' BUSINESS IS DUMB!
I don't remember exactly what I said, but I'm pretty sure it was something like "WAHHHHH, I can never do anything right. I'm singing as loud as I can and it's still not good enough. I'M GOING TO MY ROOM."
And I'm pretty sure my outburst earned me an appointment with The Rod of Correction but it was so worth it if it MADE THE SINGING STOP.
I sometimes think that one of the reasons that I got married at the tender age of 19 was to escape Devotions (They were THAT bad, people.) but that would be a lie because everyone knows the REAL reason that I married so young was because I wanted to have Teh Sex without the guilt and fear that I was buying myself a ticket to the pit of hell.
(I learned that in Devotions.)
LOUDER!!
Y,
This is some seriously funny stuff! "The Rod of Correction"? A spanking from your dad when you were eighteen? Will I find these stories in the archives or are you saving this for another day? Do they harp on you about religion these days, or how did you make it stop? I'm glad you are able to find humor in the telling of these stories and not your need for a rubber room somewhere!
Wheeee!!!!!