Today, at noon, I will be sitting in a school district office taking a typing test in order to qualify for a position I had applied for last month.
I got the phone call last night informing me that my application had passed the screening process and that I’d need to come in for a typing test.
Every time an opportunity presents itself in my life, I sabotage it. I immediately doubt myself and my ability to succeed. I become crippled with fear, worry and doubt and I let the opportunity slip through my fingers.
I started to do that today. I even thought about skipping the test altogether because, "I'll probably fail anyway, so why waste their time?"
I often wonder how my life would be different if I “believed in myself.”
And just now, I wondered what it would feel like to punch myself in the vagina, because, seriously, THIS IS JUST A TYPING TEST.
Wish me luck, because apparently, I’m going to need it. I just did a few online typing tests and while my speed is ok (67wpm) my accuracy sucks. I made 7 mistakes and I was told by the woman from the district office that they subtract 2 points for every mistake.
Whoops, I just might fail.
But then, MAYBE I’LL PASS.
Or fail.
Or pass!
FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION!
Except, it totally is if I make that many mistakes.
But I’m not going to make that many mistakes! Because I am a great typist, I am a fast typist, and I can do this!
Or can I?
Ha! Ha! You think I am kidding, but this is the actual conversation going on in my head right now. Over a typing test.
It’s not easy overcoming a life time of fear and disbelief in my self and my ability to do things that normal people do every day, but, at THIRTY FIVE YEARS OF AGE, I realize that I have to find a way to break free from these chains. (OMG. Did I really just say “break free from these chains? I did, didn’t I?) I realize I’ve used my fear—real as it is—as an excuse to stay in stuck here in “my comfort zone”. And by “comfort zone” I mean “my own personal hell in which I am letting life pass me by because I’m too paralyzed with fear and self doubt to step outside of this little bubble that I live in.”
(A bubble that, at this very moment, is not a fun place to be because when Mama get nervous, Mama farts a lot. And Mama had eggs for breakfast.)
Anyway.
Two hours until test time.
Wish me luck.
Good luck! You will be great :-)