Would you think I'm asshole if I filed a restraining order against a little old lady?
Because I’m being stalked by a little old lady and I’m a leeeetle scared.
A couple weeks ago, I was outside cleaning the inside of my van. A little old lady who was walking a cute little dog stopped in front of the driveway to make small talk with me.
“It sure is hot!” She said in her sweet little old lady voice.
“Oh, it is.” I replied.
I could tell that she wasn’t going to leave any time soon by the way she placed her foot on the curb. Were I a body language expert, I would have said that move right there meant “I have no where to go or anyone to talk to, I think I’ll stay here for a while!”
She started asking me questions and since I don’t like to be rude to old people, I was answering her questions.
She asked how long we had lived here and that’s when I told her that “oh, haha! This isn’t our house! We’re just staying here with my parents until we find a place!”
I regret telling her that more than you’ll ever know.
I don’t know why, but I always assume Old Person= Harmless.
I forget that Old People used to be Young People and could have been and possibly still are fucking crazy.
All of a sudden, our friendly little conversation about “the weather” turned into a 2 hour lecture about how I should “sit down and communicate my feelings with my mother” and how I should “consider looking into first time homebuyer programs instead of renting again” and how people “borrowed money from her and never paid her back.”
I wanted to get away from her, but she kept talking and talking and talking and at one point, I didn’t even hear her words anymore because I was too busy searching for the right words to MAKE HER SHUTUP AND GO AWAY.
I can’t remember exactly how I was finally able to get away from her, but I did and I was glad.
Later on that evening, the family was getting ready to leave for basketball practice. The kids piled up in the van and we waited for PigHunter to go get his wallet (that he forgets every single time we get in the car to leave somewhere. AH!) As I was sitting there, I saw Little Old Lady walking down the street.
Oh shit!. I panicked a little because, well, the car was parked in the street and she would see me and probably want to talk again.
Because I am really smart, I turned around to act as if I talking about something very important with my kids.
“Boys, there’s a lady coming down the street who I do NOT want to talk to. I’m pretending like I’m talking to you so that I don’t have to look her way!”
“Um, mom, she’s walking towards the van.”
“I know, DO NOT LOOK AT HER. STOP LOOKING AT HER.”
I could see the looks on their faces and they told me that something very bad was about to happen.
*BANG BANG BANG*
Holy Mother of Old People. That crazy old hag was banging on my window.
I rolled down the window and acted surprised to see her.
Apparently, she had been “thinking” about our conversation earlier and had come to the conclusion that I needed her to help me decide whether I should buy a house or rent a house. She also had decided that I needed her to tell me what I should say to my mother so that our living arrangement didn’t ruin our relationship.
She told me she was going to look into programs for first time home buyers and that she was going to pray for us.
You’re probably thinking “that’s so sweet and kind and also innocent!”
But, it’s not any of those things, because the lady is ceraaaaazy.
Two days later, she started banging on the door at 8 am while screaming “HELLO? HEELLOOOOOOOOO?” Yvoooooonne?”
My mom answered and was like “Hi, who are you?”
And she said these exact words. “I’m Judy, I’m trying to help Y decide if she should buy or rent a house.”
She then proceeded to ask my mom for my phone number and because my mother doesn’t like me very much, she gave it to her.
A few minutes later, my phone rang and it was Judy!
“I just want to talk with you about a few options that I found for you, call me back as soon as you can!”
I didn’t call her back because, oh my God, who are you, old lady? And why are you all up in my bidness?
Well, Judy doesn’t like to be ignored.
The next day, she was at the front door shouting my name again. And when no one answered, she started banging on my bedroom window.
Hold me. Hide me. Tell me it’s going to be ok.
She’s stopped by the house numerous times when I’m not home and the word on the street is that she’s pretty fucking pissed off that I’m not returning her phone calls.
I’ve thought about calling her back, but my “gut” tells me that would be a bad idea, because Judy is crazy and calling her back would be “encouraging the crazy.”
I know that I’m going to have to talk to her eventually and tell her something like “hey, thanks for trying to help, that’s so nice of you, but we’ll figure this thing out on our own.”
I’m just afraid that Judy won’t be very happy when I tell her that and that she'll beat me to death with her dog walking stick with a sweet little smile on her face while she's doing it.
So, until I summon the courage, I'll continue to sleep with the window locked and seriously think about filing that restraining order.
I would laugh but then karma would bite me in the ass and send a crazy little old lady my way.