I love this post and I love you - just the way you are BUT I do hope that no matter what happens with your weight, that you start to feel better and get your energy back.
We are our own best advocates for health care and you are an example of how much people should fight to get answers about their health. You should be proud, Mama!
xoxoxoxo

I admire you and respect you more than you will ever know. You are beautiful (yes, even the fish lips picture) but I understand not feeling that way. I feel how you feel, except I don't have anything to explain my gain except that I cannot seem to keep my mouth shut....sorry, was distracted by a donut ;) Anyway...love you...mWWWWWWAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!

I also love this post, I'm a lurker, have been for a few years. When you documented your weight loss and were successful, you inspired me, and you still inspire me now. Its very weird to say that to someone I don't really know, but you do. You keep it real and I love that. I really do think you inspire people.

thank you for sharing.

And I love the fishlips. That's my fave, and it ALWAYS makes me smile when I see you posing like that.

I'm glad you didn't delete. The crappy writing you think you did was actually very poignant and significant to at least me.

I have a friend at the gym who's dealing with Hashimoto's and she's been a fabulous source of info for me with regards to the disease. You aren't alone, Y.

Delurking to say:

Thank you for this!

You are a beautiful REAL woman. And we all love you just the way you are. I'm glad you finally got a diagnosis and are able to take care of yourself.

You have gone through a lot with your thyroid, and this post is very brave of you to publish. I don't even know you, but I would hug you in an instant while you made OMGWHOISTHISCRAZYWOMAN eyes at the person behind me and patted my shoulder.

I love you and your courage.

Thanks for sharing. You are so beautiful, remember that!

It is a bit of a relief to finally know what the issue is. Now you can finally face it head-on with all the knowledge you need!

Hashimoto's is a cousin of Cushing's Disease, the endocrine disease I had surgery for in 2004. Lots of Cushing's survivors have developed Hashimoto's in the aftermath of Cushing's. It is not a fun thing to deal with, but it IS deal-able and you're over the worst of it! You should be beaming with pride. :)

Hi. I just started reading you blog a few months ago. Thanks for sharing, I can't imagine how hard it was to write. I hope you start feeling better soon!! I am the same weight as you and have a lot of the same feelings you do. If I don't work out like crazy the weight just piles on. Good luck with everything, I'll be thinking about you!!

You are wonderful. The truth, the sheer honesty of revealing all this.

I lost a lot of weight, and then started gaining it again, and now I am in the same boat as you, without the thyroid issue.
I'm sorry you are dealing with all these complications.

I'm 45. I'm close in size to you. My butt is shelf. I lost a child, 12 months later my mother(I was 34, she was 64) onto the anti'd's. Unemployment for hub. Bankruptcy. Size 16/18 and 5'4". I don't have a disease besides depression as far as I know.

You have my understanding. Hair falls out with thyroid? And age, but I have a feeling it might be both. I have a 1/3 the hair I had 2 years ago. Scary.

You are a great person no matter the weight. Thanks for hitting the post key.

YEA... good for you. I am joining ww to.
It, is the BEST, most reliable way to lose weight!
Sensible and slowly it key to permanent weight loss. thanks for the inspiration.

You go GIRL!!

Well, the vast majority of your post could have been written BY me, FOR me, ABOUT me. So at least you know I'm being genuine when I say I understand exactly how you feel. Hopefully you'll rein in the thyroid issue and I'll rein in my obsession with Otis Spunkmeyer Chocolate Chocolate Chip Muffins and we'll BOTH have a successful 2008!

As another relatively new reader, I must say WHAT a knockout you are!!! It makes me sad that you feel badly about yourself. Your talent for writing is so apparent, and you have really been an inspiration for your readers, me included. It helped me lose, something I'm still battling but making progress every day. It's do-able. And now you've ID'd the villianous Hashimoto, things will get better.

I'm glad you didn't hit delete. I'm rooting for you!!

I'm dealing with the same thing right now at 235#; a swollen thyroid with all the symptoms you described, a food and exercise log documenting a 400-800 calorie per day diet and regular intense exercise, and a doctor who says "Your labwork was fine. You just need to start dieting and exercising".
If it weren't for you and this blog I'd still be curled up in the fetal position crying instead of working to get better medical help. Thank you for having the courage to talk about this. You are helping one gal in Texas more than you'll ever know.

I have ridden the weight rollercoaster my whole life. I have lost and gained more times than I can count. I also am doing WW again after gaining back the almost 40 lbs I lost a couple of years ago. I went from 167 to 130 in 8 months and was working out 6 days a week. But I had to hit that magic 125! I couldn't do it. So....same as you....I got discouraged and pretty soon the old habits were back and the pounds were piling on. I too, felt like failure. Oh, I attempted to start back up and I'd start each day with new resolove, only to be well out of points by dinner time. Anyway, I finally got my head in the game and started WW again on 1/2/08. I am happy to report that I am exercising 5 days a week and I am feeling soooooo much better about myself. I know I did it once, and I can do it again. This time, I'll be happy at 130. It's a journey Y. There are lessons all along the way. I learned about myself this past year, so this time I can approach the whole thing differently. I love your blog so much- your honestly, and courage, and your damn funny too! You can do it girl!!! Just know that you are not alone- there are many of us out here in the internet that understand your struggles and are going through the same thing. Oh, I also have underactive thryroid. Mine was caught by accident though- I am on meds and while the weight doesn't just melt off, it still does come off. You can do it!!!!!!!!

I have gone/been going through a lot of the same issues. I am the heaviest I have ever been, right now, due to health problems. I am a Type 1 Diabetic with several "side" issues. I often feel ashamed, depressed, disgusted at the way I look. I squoosh those feelings down and try to be all happy with life, kids, friends, family, etc. Most of the time I am successful at doing that. One day at a time...I guess.

I think you look beautiful in your pics, including the fish lips one. LOL! Maybe I should try the fishlips in my next personal blog photo. LOL!

I too have thyroid problems. Weight Watchers is a good program and if you have been successful in losing weight before, I know you will succeed again. I am glad that you have found out your problem. Good Luck!

Hi Y,

This is the first time I've posted a comment here, and with this post I absolutely HAD to. With the exception of the Hashimoto disease, and The Thyroid, I could've written this post. Over the past 18 months I've re-gained thirty of the sixty pounds it took me YEARS to lose.

You look beautiful no matter what the number in the scale says, and I just absolutely love what you write and how I feel like I know you.

(and I tried to de-lurk the other day, but it wouldn't let me)

Damn no wonder i love you...you speak truth woman!! like i said..i was diagnosed with hashimoto's when i was 19...i am 36 now...and sometimes things are great but as of lately not...i gained 20 lbs in two months because my dosage was wrong and have been depressed as hell....i got a head full of dandruff because hashimoto's causes dry scalp as well dammit!!!
i feel better......sorry for ranting.....hashimoto's suck...but you know what? you aren't alone...and as long as we speak our mind and reach out for the support of others things will be ok....

Good for you! You can do it!!!

i am at 182 lbs. right now.

Dear heart, I tried to look at your picture objectively so I could see this fat person you keep talking about, but try as I might, all I see is a beautiful woman with gorgeous big eyes and a look of warm, loving, spunky determination that tells me she'd be a hoot to hang out with, confide to, hug, and live next door so I could see her all the time.

My husband, who has labeled you "The Most Beautiful Woman in the Universe," saw this picture and said, "I could dance with that fantastic woman all night and never sit down once to rest."

. . . this from a man whose hobby is resting. :)

I love you, sweet Y. Everybody does.

Delurking to say that when I look at these photos, Yvonne, I see a beautiful woman. I see long dark shiny hair, a lovely face, and fantastic curves.

While I'm also not one to hug my muffin top, I do think that I've realized that even when I am at my "ideal" weight, it's not as if all my demons go away and all my problems are solved. It's never, ever enough.

Thank you for sharing-- you continue to inspire me every day.

you have NO IDEA how i absolutely understand 150% how you feel right now. OMG, i know EXACTLY how you feel! i actually stopped blogging (on my regular, not anonymous blog) a couple of weeks ago cause i'm tired of writing about how bad i feel about myself and yet it's dominating my every day so much that there's not much else i know to write about. i'm glad you finally found out what was wrong with you (the thyroid) and went back to ww. it's really just about being healthy. having gained so much in the last ten years i'd be SO happy to just be back to my size 16-18 and i'm gonna re-join ww again (for, like, the seventh time or so) on tuesday as well. determined to make it this time. let's do this. for us. rock'n roll!

PS: it's too bad we didn't get together when i was in cali in november. i would have loved to talk to you. i just don't have anyone here who REALLY understands...

I wish I had the perfect thing to say. I'm not sure what it is. Just that my heart hurts for you and that I've been there. And I wish we could all stop hating our bodies so much but I don't know how to do that either.
It's always incredible to me when someone really puts something out there on their blog - when you take that deep breath and hit publish. So thank you for being so courageous. I hope you feel better soon. And I hope we all learn to love ourselves a little more. If not for ourselves, for our daughters and future daughters.

So, SO proud of you!

It sounds like you are in a good place right now.

And I, too, pull out the kissy face all of the time :)

I still thought I was fat when I starved / diet pilled myself down to 115. Go figure.

Have you seen "How to Look Good Naked"? With Carson whatshisface from "Queer Eye"? I want to see it. So does my husband because he is a believer in curvy women. (While ogling Ivanka Trump; again, go figure.) He'll probably cry when we get around to watching the show on our DVR.

Anyway. I? Had a point? At one time?

Oh right! Rock that body like it's yours, Y. Who cares if you're not skinny? You are FABULOUS and that's all that matters!

You are awesome and don't you ever forget it! This is such a brave post.

Good for you, Y! And yay for fish faces. BTW... even with frizzy thyroid hair, it's gorgeous. How do you do that? You are a wonderful, brave woman. I've read through your commentors comments many times before, and just think... they're all behind you 100% no matter where you're at. Now that's awesome. Hugs to you.

Thank you for sharing this.

Sweetie,

You are not your weight.

You are so much more.

I was stalking, er I mean, looking through your flicker pictures earlier this week and actually pointed out to my Fiance how I wish I had a face as naturally beautiful as yours. I'm not a crazy stalker (I promise!) and I won't blow sunshine or rainbows up your ass because I've been on the weight roller coaster most of my life, but whatever you weigh, you should know, that you are still a beautiful, funny, thought provoking woman. I know that many young women (and hell, probably older ones too) look up to you. The fact that you're trying to do things differently for your daughter is everything that is right with the future.

((Hugs)) You should never be afraid to post what you are feeling. You have tons of support here. And you're also helping and inspiring people. Thanks to you, I'm even going to go get my thyroid checked. I have a lot of those same symptoms.

So just know that we're here for you. Always.

I loved this post - I've been that girl, lamenting the fatness in my head. I was once hospitalized for anorexia. Being skinny didn't solve a thing for me.

You gave me great courage, writing these words. I have sjogren's, related to lupus, and I've gained weight on Prednisone. I've worked out the past six months and didn't gain as much as I could have on the Evil Fat Making Drug, but still. I'm chubby.

I'm starting to take the weight off, because I need to for my joints. It's that simple.

But God knows, my life is good and sweet and it isn't the most important thing in my life. I want to be a good example to my daughter. Healthy, confident, wise.

Thanks for lifting my chin up; you rock.

I love you. You are such a beautiful person, both inside and out, and I am excited for you to feel well again.

Sending you a big internet hug.

Y, I can so relate to this post. I'm sorry. For you, for me, for all the fat girls. It sucks. Big hugs your way.

I'm not blogging much these days (yeah, like you noticed. look at all these shiny friends you have.) but wanted to say, xo.

that's all.

{Hug} You are brave, you are so very beautiful... and I could have written every word... sometimes you have to feel like you have hit rock bottom to be able to climb back up again... you are so much more than your weight, but I have been there and it just sucks to not feel good about yourself every day. Glad you got a diagnosis, good luck.

I love how honest you are. Don't censor yourself ever and you will be FAMOUS - fat or thin. And for what it's worth, you're gorgeous, hilarious and a great mom and wife.

Hence the lack of photos of me on my blog.
I really do not feel that I am THAT big...but I am 5.7 inches and around 220. Yikes.

Though I carry it well..photos scare the hell out of me...obviously not enough for me to really do something about it though...sigh.

Hellooooo emotional eaters out there!!!????

i think you look great....
but yeah we all need to feel good about ourselves...whatever we weigh.

I absolutely love your transparency. I love it! I love seeing who you are... no matter what the scale reads. I also weigh 225, but don't have the balls to post pictures of myself like you do. I admire you, I truly do.

PS. I hate The Fat. It's a bastard.

Ditto on the weight-loss attempts and self-esteem issues. Welcome to America, the land of overabundant food and society's hatred of anyone who looks like they've actually eaten that food. Don't you love how the magazines at the supermarket checkout alternate covers between "Look how much wait Celebrity X has gained!" and "Too thin! Friends concerned about Celebrity Z's massive weight loss!" So even in you're rich and famous you can't win. And those folks don't have a terrific husband and kids who love them no matter what. Oh yeah and a BRAIN and a sense of humor!

Keep your focus on health. The thyroid meds are part of that, so even if you don't lose an ounce, hopefully you'll have more energy and better skin/hair. Don't let the bastards (including your internal editor) gyp you out of enjoying life. Ditch the sweats, find some tops and pants online (even check Overstocks at "expensive" places like Lands' End), and say to the world, "I'm a person deserving of respect and a big, beautiful force to be reckoned with. Ya don't like it? Screw you! I'm having a mojito!"

You are so beautiful - you don't even know. I love your strength, woman. I mean seriously...

I grew up a chunky child & hit my 30's with a full blown eating disorder. I suffer just as much trying to gain weight & force myself to eat as you do. The health problems from both ends of the weight spectrum can be horrifying. I am now disabled, have osteoporosis & am so weak I struggle just walking up stairs.
Weight & food are just nightmares to deal with.

Your assignment this week:

Watch "How to Look Good Naked" on Lifetime. This is the best show ever for us fat girls struggling with self hatred. Watch it! You will love it! Fridays at 9 PM! Mwahh!

I think who you are is beautiful, I didn't, to be honest until you wrote that post...now I think you are.

I want you think that too! I hope you get on the right medication...and you will.

and Fuck fat clothes...they need to make better designs.

I love you for this, Y. The biggest challenge for women, I think, is to love themselves where they are. You're not alone with that, hon. And I know it's about how you see yourself, but what we see is amazing strength, honesty, and someone who loves. Do it for yourself but know we love you just like you are, ok?

Muwha.

I am surprised I didn't tear up at this post. Your previous post regarding being a good example to your daughter about body image really rocked (I read it when you originally posted it). It really is a bigger problem of our society never telling young girls and women that they are thin/average weight/pretty/exactly the right proportions/etc. I don't know any woman who doens't have some sort of distorted body image--usually in a negative way. Maybe when you feel better from the thyroid disease you can start a website or company or something to promote healty body images in women and girls? You look back with sadness thinking you were fat in your teens and 20s right?--So NOT fat.

Y, you are so much fun. Great perspective.

We're trying hard to instill "healthy" vs. "thin" with our girls. It's hard enough to do when they're young; changing your mindset at our age is infinitely harder. Cheers to you for doing it!

You are so brave. I am fat/bearable/fat/bearable/fat/bearable in the course of an hour. I am there with you. Aren't we all, us women of different shapes and sizes. What can we do other than be honest -- thank you for this.

What a great and honest post, Y! I love ya! And those fish lips! Dayum, girl, you so hot.

I am usually a lurker but I had to tell you how much I enjoy reading you. Hashimotos has a great deal to do with your weight gain. i was diagnosed a few years back, after gaining 100lbs. I went through so many of the same things you did. My doctor thought I was nutty, I think my husband was starting to also. But finally we found out my thyroid was whacky. I lost some weight just from being put on the right medicine, and while it's still not as easy to lose weight as it once was, it's alot better than when my thyroid was messed up.

I wish you lots of luck, and I hope you know how beautiful and inspiring you are.

You freaking rule!

This is why I get pissed when people get all judgmental about "fat" people - hey, guess what, maybe, just maybe, that person isn't overweight because they're lazy. Maybe they're overweight because they have an actual medical issue and they don't like those extra pound either.

So, yeah, I love your willingness to share because it breaks down preconceived stereotypes that anyone sporting a few extra pounds must "deserve it".

After the yo yo of having four babies, my body geography has shifted around a bit but like mothergoose said, holding health above any sort of vanity becomes top priority.

Obviously, you know you have a lot of friends and fans no matter what the size of your clothes. And posting photos??? Well, that takes some level of self confidence, which totally rocks. You're refreshingly honest to post in this way, so I'd say the biggest thing on you is your set of bollocks!

I LOVE U, I LOVE U, I LOVE U

This is the most honest and wonderful post I've read in a long, long time.

Thank you.

I've been struggling with weight gain and depression for the past few years and even though I am pregnant with my second child, it's hard to see the scale tip past 200. It's like 200 calls out "Yes, you're really fat" compared to seeing 199.

You're such a strong and wonderful woman that I completely and utterly look up to, Y.

*hugs* Thanks again for sharing this.

Totally skinnier with fish lips :) Even though I don't really know you, I still love you. It takes big balls to share everything with us, the internet (aka strangers).

I love you. You've made me realize that hello, my 145lb ass isn't fat, no matter how many times I wish I looked like Posh Spice or La Lohan. Seriously... I think you are FABULOUS and gorgeous and a highly entertaining writer!!!

Thanks for not deleting today :) I hope WW works for you this time!

I'm struggling with my weight too. 5'2" and I hit nearly 185 when I decided it was too much. In six months, I've only (only?) lost 25 lbs, but I'm still losing, so it's good.

See, that's why your weight is up, it's because you have huge freakin' balls! It takes guts to not lie about your weight on your driver's license, never mind the internet! Know what else I think? I'm 5'8" and a size 8-10, and I think you have a way better a** than I do. So there!

P.S. You know, I'm having trouble with about 10 pounds that likes to yo-yo (mostly on than off), but mostly, my hair? Is getting THIN. All of a sudden. My nails, too. Depression and exhaustion too, but mostly docs like to blame that on the toddler. Did the hair loss happen suddenly with you, how are your nails, and want to come with me to convince my doc I might need that thyroid test after all??

This is a fantastic post.

Good luck with the WW and I will be crossing my fingers that the medication gets your thyroid back under control soon so you can start to feel normal again.

I know you aren't happy but you are beautiful. You may look at all the negative but I see you as a Rubenesque woman. You have expressive eyes, great eye browns. I think your hair is beautiful, etc... Now that you are getting medical help, things are going to change. You are starting a new year with so much to look forward to. I wish you the best of luck and hope you can look in the mirror and smile.

Oh Y, it makes me sad that you are sad. Once you get on thyroid replacement, you are going to feel like a new woman, I promise. And when you have more energy, you won't feel so overwhelmed. And when you feel better able to handle life, you will feel like dealing with exercising. It's like giving a mouse a cookie......

I have the fat, the exhaustion,the skin, the hair ( or lack thereof) and a gazillion thyroid tests that come back normal. Am just a frizzy haired, worn out greedy cow, with floppy fat. No matter how much you hate your fat, when it hangs and flops ( can make a clapping sound if I run, ha if I run, as if!) Every evening while I sit here eating crap ( yummy crapthough) I imagine how exhillerating it would feel to exercie and feel hopeful and worthy ( of what? Who knows, just anything other than revolting and useless) and yet here I still am.
Why is it completely possible for me to look at you and think you are fabulous and beautiful and wish more than anything that YOU could feel that, yet look at me and feel nothing but shame and revulsion? We are too unkind to ourselves I think.
I wanted more than anything to contact you while I was in Torrance, so near, meet up and share horrible landlord stories ( mine is the worst, honestly, about to move for the 3rd time in 7 months, hate her very much but will have lovely house and new landlord in 9 days hoorah!) Couldn't make myself get in touch because I saw a picture of myself that the husband took with my lovely new camera. Am hippo, old looking hippo. Scuttled back to England without meeting you. Sad.
All I can say is that I come here and always feel better when I leave, you are a hero to many of us and you make us laugh.....hell you're about as perfect as I can imagine it's possible to be.

Y!
I could have wrote that post myself! I have Hashimoto's, puffy face, tired all the time. I am going to go back to WW. This disease doesn't have to own us, we can lose weight, especially if we've done it before, we can certainly do it again. From one butt shelf lady to another.. Y.. you are beautiful!

Y -

I am sorry for being such a bitch and putting you through this.

xo
- Your Tap Dancing Thyroid

You rule! I love your posts! Your honesty inspires me. I do not have a problem with my weight but now I have more compassion for those who do. I hope it is ok to say that! Because, you speak the truth...then so will I...

No, you thyroid didn't make you eat all that food. BUT, your thyroid made you depressed. Which made you want to eat bbq chips at midnight (let's not forget the delicious bean dip too!). And your thyroid made you tired so you didn't want to exercise to take weight off. And because your thyroid made you tired and depressed, you didn't really care about losing weight. So while it's not ENTIRELY to blame, it's not entirely NOT to blame either. That thyroid, she's a pesky bitch.

I wish you all the best luck with getting healthy. Know that I'll be rooting for you.

Oh Y, I just love you. I have read you for the longest time. I've been through all the weight up and down stuff over the years. Currently more up than ever! It can be so depressing. Hang it there!!

I CAN SO RELATE!!!! try being 5 foot and weigh 223 - yeah and the antidepressants just are not working.

You are so real and beautiful - I truly admire you. You can do this, you CAN DO THIS. Good luck.

Delurking to tell you...honestly? seriously? you look effing hot in that fish-lips picture!

You're awesome AND beautiful! (I just had to delurk to say that.) I've been following your blog for a while and you have courage and strength - and aren't afraid to be honest about your shortcomings. Many times you have given me courage to tackle things in my life. Thank you.

I relate to all of this.
But, can I just point out that if you look at that super skinny picture of yourself and then the picture of you now, you look happier and prettier now than you did then.
But, I get the weight thing. And the weight watchers thing (I had the points guide memorized for awhile).
I applaud you for doing this and getting healthy and setting an example for your daughter.
but, seriously, you look fantastic!

People actually create fake emails to tell you off?

Assholes.

Hi!

I know exactly how you feel, EXACTLY! I joined Weight Watchers in July, lost 12 lbs and for some reason I've lost my motivation. I'm not doing it any more, I'm not logging my daily food intake (incredibly important in my opinion!) and just in a blah mood about everything, which just makes my depression about being overweight just that much more overwhelming. I enjoy reading your posts. Thank you for sharing and letting me know I'm not the only one feeling this way.

Hi, Y, I feel your pain about the weight and thyroid issues. I think we're on a parallel path. I too was dx with Hashimoto's years ago. My endo told me that it would be very difficult to lose weight, but possible once my TSH was within normal. He actually keeps mine on the low normal (because I had my thyroid taken out last year).

So I wanted to wish you luck. I'm right there with you and ready to lose it for good this time.

Nicole

PS: Did your doc talk about adding cytomel to help your TSH normalize quicker? It worked for me, but that was after having NO thyroid.

I don't comment often, but I just had to tell you how brave, beautiful and NICE you are for sharing this. I hope someday you see yourself as we, your reader do; Absolutely FANTASTIC!
Thank you for your honest and heartbreaking post. I hope you find your balance soon with the meds and WW and your health.

very brave Y, I really respect your honesty, and I am sure that a lot of women can related, me included. take care of yourself and I am sure you can lose the weight again, but please don't be too hard on yourself.

Dood...you know I totally get it. For the record, you're a step ahead of me. I pulled all my WW stuff out two weeks ago but haven't had the balls to put the freaking doughnuts down and start back on it! Good on ya' for posting all of this. And leaving it up.

I know it doesn't mean as much when it comes from someone else and not from within your own head, but I think you are beautiful.

xo,
J

all you can do is keep trying. what else is there?

i'm hoping that within a month, you'll be feeling more like your sassy self.

I know exactly where you're coming from. Some days, just breathing is a chore.

Still waiting for my Endo appointment to get here... hope your meds regulate fast, Y!

wow that was a great post and I realized it was not easy to write. Good luck on losing your weight again.

I fucking LOVE YOU, man. And I know that's all I really ever say anymore, but, yo, I totally do.

you are fucking awesome.
that's all i have to say about that

I think you all should know how thankful I am for what you've said here.

xoxo

Your honesty, your humor, your love for life are the things that make you beautiful. Beauty is one thing, being healthy is another. Obviously your health has been suffering without your knowledge. Thankfully you were persistent with your doctors and hopefully you will now get help with the issues you could not control. Be okay with where you are right now and once your medical issues are being treated effectively then face the issues that you can change. We are all there for you.

You. Are. Beautiful.

And you *might* have given me the strength to turn the scale around at 175, instead of waiting until 200 or more... for my daughter, and for myself.

I am so thankful for finding this blog. Don't remember how it happened... but oh my. Great day.

Y, i'm on my 5 kleenex! i just wish i could come and hug you, and let you beat on me like a punching bag. *LOL* i know your desperation, your vicious self-deprecating, self-hatred cycles, the fear, the anger, the guilt, the regrets...

with everything i've been thru in the last year with my endometriosis and thyroid, i've been so shocked at where my emotions have gone...SO FAR away from the old me! but you know what? i recently reached a fork in the road...the watershed. (yes, im singing indigo girls!!) and you have, too. so now you know what happened and it doesnt matter who or what's fault...cause now you know how to continue. you know where to find happiness. you know what you need to do to take charge of your health. youre empowered. and you are supported by so many people thinking GOOD THOUGHTS about YOU! take it to heart that you inspire so many women, Y!

there's so many reasons things happen to us...to put us in a place where we can actually do more good than we ever dreamed. even after we've gone to hell and back...even when we think we cant give any more...there's a purpose. you are so blessed and WE are so lucky to have found you!!

i think and pray for you often, and you just make me so proud!!! GAK im crying again!! (durn hormones. LOL.) im glad you wrote this post. FOR YOU. (((crusher hugs!!)))

You're beautiful, and smart and funny and I know I wish I had your talent and your bravery. Looking forward to hearing about you getting healthy again-whether or not it involves weight loss. You're incredible and I hope several hundred commenters can get you to believe that.

Thanks for having the courage to post this. There are many people out "here" that can relate.

and the fish lips comment made me laugh out loud! :)

Thanks for telling your story. You are already a wonderful role model for your daughter. Your blog is one of the best, in that you don't try to create a perfect life, which makes the rest of us feel like shit in comparison. You sound truly human and real. I'm so glad you are here.

2008 seems to be the year that people say they're going to get healthy and lose weight and they MEAN it!
I'm having lap band surgery soon. I'm one of those fat chicks who doesn't feel ashamed or depressed about how she looks but the weight is WRECKING my health. Diabetes, soaring cholesterol levels, bad hips, aching feet.
I'm obsessing and beyond excited to be of a normal weight again.
Thank you for sharing so much of your life with us Y, I think if we support one another and keep it real, we can do anything.
Good luck!!

I hate "me too" sorts of comments.

But.

Your honesty is inspiring. Good luck.

You are so beautiful and inspiring. Sending you lots of love and hugs... :-)

We love you Y.

Proven by just how far I had to scroll down to write that. ;)

wow. great post. thank you! love the fish lips!

I'm on about 10 meds (yes, really), and I've gained a bunch of weight. It's hard to accept myself - other than pregnancy I've been the same weight since college. I don't want to be all freaky about it like my mom (saying she's "fat" when she's 5lbs over ideal weight, etc).

But, the candy and Coke probably didn't help me in the weight gain, eh? I'd rather blame the meds.

y i love u. wm

Oh babe.

Hugs to you and thanks. That was heartbreaking and uplifting all at the same time.

I am one of those "lurker" people, but your struggle has struck a chord with me. Trying to love ourselves regardless of numbers on the scale is a tough thing and I know I am not quite there yet. Good luck in the next part of your journey.

I could have written this post!
I have been battling weight gain for about 9 years. I succeeded in losing a chunk about 2 yrs ago but it all came back. I, too, have Hashimoto's. It sucks. I know. It may not be the only reason we have a hard time but it IS a reason of sorts. We have an uphill battle to rage and it's exhausting.
I feel your pain and understand it.
Your honesty and openess is inspiring!!
Hang in there!

You totally rock the fish lips, baby.

Be kind to yourself while you move forward with taking care of you.

Its truly the hardest thing to do...your so amazing in all aspects of your life..you have weight issues..doh..so does everyone I know..I have gained and lost the same fifty pounds a hundred times...now I'm about twenty five pounds over weight but that can change in a moment...good luck..your such a kind and loving person..do the best you can...maun

I want to gather you in my arms and hold you.

I want to pour you a creamy cupof coffee and nod my head while you give me an earload - because a girlfriend just knows.

I've also marked the timeline of my life with memories of whether or not I was "fat."

I understand and I really enjoy your blog. That's all.

Y, I think you are beautiful in ALL of your pics -- and thanks for sharing that tip on fish lips! I had no idea! I see a lot of you in your children and, as you well know, they are beautiful children!

I am so glad you published this post because it speaks TO me and speaks OF me. The weight battle is a hard one to fight. I wish I had a magical cure for all of us that are fighting it.

I love your posts...sometimes I wonder how it is that you are living my Illinois life out there in California! LOL

*hugs*

I just want to wish you the best of luck. Just remember, if you fall off that horse again, hop right back on. YOU CAN DO IT! YOU HAVE DONE IT! YOU WILL DO IT AGAIN!!!!

I love you, Y, and I'm proud of you for this. And you are beautiful, you know.

I am so proud of you. There are so many women out there who struggle with their weight, self included, and yo-yo their entire lives. Right after we adopted our son I lost about 10 pounds. Stress, travel, and then a three week bout with the flu...I kept it off for a year but have since returned to my body's comfortable weight, not my minds. Emotionally, I would much rather be 10-15 pounds less but Its not worth the stress.

Good luck.

I have so much respect for you.

I can't wait to see those fish lips in person and to try and cop an inappropriate feel.

xo

Thanks for posting this Y.

I'm 28. Last time I checked I weighed 230. I have PCOS. I found that out because I noticed every year I was gaining a good 20 lbs., was not getting pregnant, and was getting dark spots all over. While doing the same exact things as the previous years. So my hubby and I seeked medical attention. Mostly for the infertility because thankfully I never really got down on myself. There I was told I had PCOS. There were nights when I just cried like a baby. I just felt like I wasn't a woman. Like I was damaged goods. I think I even tried to run my husband off because I felt he deserved better. It was hell. It still is bad, but I've learned to appreciate life and myself again. I've allowed myself to feel loved. Plus the hubby told me he was not leaving. =) I guess slowly I realized I'm still valuable and am slowly making progress.

I just want you to know that you truly have inspired me not to give up. I might write a post about this in my blog. Just writing this comment has sent me to tears! LOL.

Any who, thanks for sharing your inner most thoughts. You are truly inspirational.

Over the years of casually following your writing you remain fascinating and beautiful.

oh, y. we love you.

Oh I love you... you make me smile and I love your honesty... you inspire me too

Your honesty is truly inspriring and I wish you all kinds of joy and luck in getting healthier and feeling better. I think the best part of the post was reading through all these wonderful, loving comments...

Thank you for having the strength and courage to write this. You are so much stronger than I hope to be. Thank you for being a role model us all.

I hate knowing that there are so many of us out there that struggle with body image. There are so many of us that have that little voice in our heads reminding us that we're just "not good enough". There are so many of us who 'should' be able rejoice in our bodies for blessing us with children, but all we see are pooches and pouches and rolls. I'm right there with you. And I've ALWAYS been here, too. I remember all the way back in high school when I wore a size SIX I felt fat. That is fucking ridiculous. And of course, 15 years later, things have spread and sagged and I couldn't fit one thigh in a size 6 and I still hate my body just as much if not more.

All I can say is, I hope in addition to joining WW (which, by the way, CONGRATS! I think that is awesome and brave and strong!) you try to "reprogram" the brain. I'm always working on reminding myself that "I am beautiful". (No, I'm not, No, I'm not...YES I AM...SHUT UP!) Y, you are beautiful too. You have a beautiful heart and a beautiful family and a beautiful sense of humor and a beautiful face and a beautiful body. No, it might not be the size you want but it is beautiful. Your courage is beautiful. Thank you for sharing your beauty with us.

Very hard to write all that - very brave of you - I hope somehow that it allows you to quit being so mean to yourself! From Eat Pray Love there is a great part about a Guru laughing at E. Gilbert (the author) when she tries to figure out how to keep waves from crashing...you can't do it. Do do what you able to and do it well and be proud of yourself!

Go girl!

Thanks for sharing your story! I wish you loads of success, health, happiness, and contentment!

Thank you so much for your post! I send you strength and hope.

Thank you for sharing! I'm also a WWer.

You are so brave for sharing. I for one will be here cheering you on!

You're beautiful, brave and strong. It's one thing to want to lose weight to achieve better health and fitness; and another to want to lose weight simply to feel skinny. Not everyone is mean to be SKINNY, but everyone is meant to be healthy. Focus on that, let that be your mantra, and you will achieve your goal in the end. I wish you the very, very best in your journey.

And as I said, don't forget that you are BEAUTIFUL, BRAVE and STRONG!!

Delurking to tell you that I understand-I suffer from endometriosis, and was put on horomones for about a year-even though I know it was the horomones' fault that I couldn't lose the weight, it still makes me angry. Now that I'm off, I've lost 7 punds have 25 to go. I know it's a struggle, but hang in there-you can and WILL do it. I think you're amazing, I love your writing, and the fact that you put it all out there. you're strong enough to win this war, one ounce at a time, and good for you for doing it right.

You are an inspiration. I know you'll lose the weight. You've done it before and you'll it again only this time with your thyroid in check, you'll be better able to keep it off.

You are brave -- and an inspiration to me. Thank you for sharing this very tough post. {hugs}

I wanted to add to the chorus of "You Go Girl"s because you deserve all the encouragement you can get on the internet as well as at home. I'm struggling with a bit of weight myself and the only thing that is working for me is to keep moving and to put the cookies in a very high place :)

Fat or not, you make me smile. That's worth something. My hope for you is that you find your way to a place that is comfortable for you... whether it's skinny, fat or somewhere in between... I'm on the same journey and I think acceptance is somewhere between midnight chips (or ice cream in my case) and starvation... Keep at it Girl-

Hi.. delurking here to say good for you for taking charge of your HEALTH (notice the omission of weight here). Many of us have been there, with various numbers on the scale. It's a state of mind and comfort, not just pounds.

Incidentally, I think you are beautiful! And obviously have so much to offer your friends, family and readers... good luck on your journey and as always, thanks for your candidness.

Ah, the bravery!

Good on ya for being strong enough to post this, and just for the record, I think you are absolutely stunning!

You GO, Y!

Living healthy is a big challenge so many of us struggle with.

Remember, though: You are beautiful in so many ways...

Y, you rock. That's really all there is to say.

Holy cow! This is one of the bravest things I've ever read online. I'm doing WW right now - love the etools but am scared of what will happen when I get where I'm going. How to stay there.
Anyway you make us all braver with a post like this. Bless you.

As someone who has yo-yo'd from 135 pounds all the way up to 220 in the space of about four years, hitting every place in between... I hear you. I'm now six months pregnant and refuse to let anyone take a picture of my baby belly because it will also document my two chins and loaded saddlebags.

But you know what? You've inspired me. What a raw and brave post. I am going home tonight, and taking some pictures, dammit. You kick ass. And good luck!

Ooh, I love that last picture. You go, girl! You are beautiful no matter what weight you are, and don't you forget it.

You are incredibly brave for sharing this. Thank you.

P.S. I think you are beautiful

I think you are beautiful and courageous for sharing this. I had thyroid cancer, and while I have never actually been overweight, I definitely have seen how much any kind of disorder with a thyroid can upset the ability to eat properly and maintain a steady weight. I think you are beautiful, and are worth so much more than your weight. How awesome that you had the courage to write this!

As someone who has always struggled with her weight, can I just say you rock the casbah?

What a wonderful post! So brave of you to put it out there for us. Have felt just like you, year after year. Good luck with the weightlose, you deserve the best you're great.

Thank you, thank you, thank you so much for this post. I googled Hashimoto's Disease after reading your post, and found that my husband has many of the symptoms for this condition. Weight gain, hip and shoulder pain, depression, elevated cholesterol, etc. This has been so frustrating for him! He has an appointment with his doctor tomorrow, so he'll be sharing this information at his visit. Thank you so much!

Y,

There are already 142 comments on this post, but I would like to add my 2 cents, my hug, my thank you and my encouragement for you to move on, don't give us, you are loved, and you are an inspiration to many.

Life is not a sprint, it's a marathon. get back to the race. Take those thyroid pills, and eat will Throw away any chocolate chips cookies in your house :).

I will keep you accountable. you don't have to slim down like paris Hilton but I am sure you can lose some weight when you decide you really want to.

I'd be "watching you".

Love you.

Liza

Yikes, I just re-reda my comments and saw all those typos - eekkk!

I meant to say "don't give up" instead of "don't give us".
and "eat well" instead of "eat will".

Things aren't black and white. Sometimes things can be "not okay," sometimes they can be "really good," but more often than not, they just "are." It's very difficult to just live in the moment, to be okay with yourself right now. That doesn't mean that someone can't want to lose weight, but it does mean that you embrace yourself at WHATEVER weight you're at. Because no one cares as much as you yourself do about your weight. You like me and many others are blessed with a wonderful life and so many talents, that wasting life focusing only on one's weight prevents us from enjoying everything else life has to offer.

And what I see there? A beautiful person. :)

I didn't know all of this.
I wish I could make it better.
I really enjoy you.
xoxo
steph

I just want to say, that even though we don't really know each other and have only met twice, that I love you. I think you are an amazing person at any size.

Good heavens. Other than the Hashimoto's and the 3 pregnancies, that could be my story up there. At 5' 1", I was about 115 in high school and always felt like a cow. I remember saying if I ever got over 120 I would "shoot myself in the head". Well thank God I didn't have access to a gun or I'd have been dead 3 decades ago!

I gained weight in my mid 20's. I took it off. I gained again in my early 30's. I took that off. Gained more in my late 30's. Lost 45 lbs with WW in my 39th year and turned 40 at 131 lbs. I actually went to my meeting and got my 45 lb star on my 40th birthday and cried when I got it. Looked amazing. Kept it off for a few years and then slowly started to creep up again. Lost my job at 43. Major depression plus being home in the easy vicinity of food for 14 months. Gained nearly all of it back. (Big plus here. Got a home computer, discovered blogs and found Y!!) Finally found new job. Stress of learning completely new job. Add 20 lbs. Now I've spent the last 5 years losing and regaining the same 15 - 20 lbs. I got down to the low 160's before my wedding last October, but the stress of the move and a new marriage and all that change (by the way, I totally suck at handling change) and I went right back up to the high 170's. I've even cracked the 180 mark now and again over the last few months.

I told myself on my 48th birthday last summer that I had 2 years to get my shit together, because I was not going to enter my 50's this much overweight. It's a half year later and I'm still struggling.

Funny thing is, I joined WW in September 1998 and have rarely missed a meeting since then. I just keep going because I know one day it's all going to click again and I'll take the weight back off. I'm also afraid I'll gain even more if I stop going.

I have read your blog though a significant amount of the struggles you've noted, and the one constant is your amazing resilience and the humor with which you have faced them. Whether or not you can see it, big or small, you ARE beautiful. Certainly on the outside, but far more importantly on the INSIDE.

I quick perusal of the 140+ (140+!!) posts here proves how many of us out here are sharing the same struggle with you. You are so not alone!

Never forget that your family and your readers love you exactly the way you are, no matter what that is. Which is why you should love you, too :)

(((((((Big honkin' hugs!!)))))))))

You are seriously a beautiful brave woman inside and out!
I know having thyroid issues (as do I, same one matter of fact plus diabetes and bipolar) makes the most complex mental cocktail. I have no answers or good words to cheer you because I am dealing with it myself.
What I DO know that it is not a made up problem. No meds, psychiatrist, well meaning words from friends, family (or in this case, strangers on the internet..lol), will help. It doesn't matter if the sun is shining, you are having a skinny day/good hair day, everything is going great, you just can't ever feel 100%. It is an ongoing battle that never seems to end.

I just wanted to give you big hugs and props for not being afraid to say what you feel.

We are out here listening and we do understand.
Best of luck with everything and keep on being open. You just might be helping someone else besides yourself.
HUGS

WOW! I could have written this. I am undignosed but I know something is wrong with me. Now I have a name to take to the DR next time and get tested.

Thank you so very much for y our courage to hit "post". It was luck that brought to me to you today. Thank you again more than you know.

I came here via Liza's Eyeview...

I admire your honesty in this post. You are not a fraud or a failure for having gained the weight back. You are simply human. I've been there too many times to count. Now that I have a little one around, my motivation is to be a good example to her. I haven't lost anymore weight, but I haven't gained any either.

On the journey with you...

Props to you!

You are fucking awesome. And you're daughter is lucky as shit to have you as a mother, you beautiful, insightful, honest, inspiring woman, you.

Count me in as another hashimoto girl!! I have all the same symptoms too - talk about dry, itchy skin!!

I discovered it totally by accident during a routine check-up a year after I had my second child (when I hit 30) in '92. I have been on Levothroid (like Synthroid) ever since then (with doses increases, especially during the 2 next pregnancies) ....

I also lost 50 lbs in a year (2000) doing low carb, kept it off for about 3 years, then it slowly slowly crept back on - 1 lb a month or so - now I'm only 10 lbs lower than my all time high :( (- I weigh more now that I did at full term before giving birth to my first 2 kids!!

The older you get the harder it is to lose it and the easier it is to put it on!! - sucks eggs!

I'm back to not wanting to buy or try things on again - blegh!

Alice the Brit
http://alicebertelson.com

Just catching up after all this time away and oh my God do I love you even more.

(That's rhetorical and not even really a question because of course the answer is yes, if it were a proper question in the first place. Or maybe I'll just state it Jeopardy Style and say, "the answer is, The Answer to Whether I Love Yvonne Even More.")

You are so strong and honest and amazing and I guarantee you're helping so many people in doing this. Most of all yourself.

Love the fish lips in that last picture -- but even more, I love the honesty and the energy coming through. With all that (and the fish lips, too) you're going to make it down this road.

Love you, Sweetie. You are brave! And you are a survivor. You will beat this.
BIG hugs

you are a very brave lady Y! Being in your 30's and tired all the time sucks, I think alot of us know what that's about. I don't have kids to chase around and so I don't have the excuse for running ragged with kids. I can't imagine what that would be like. Finding time for yourself, even after the kids are at school would be challenging when all you want to do is curl up in a ball and hibernate.

Be easy on yourself. Hopfully those meds will kick start your metablolism soon.

At 195 I know the pain of turning around only to be stared down by the great shelf butt.

One day at a time, you'll get there!

you are going to help SO many people with this post! awesome!!!

I'm clamping for you. Go Y!

My mother swears by Weight Watchers!

And can I just say something? ALthough my mother looks fabulous now after WW, I thought she looked pretty good before. She didn't have that much to lose. She and I are pretty lucky. We don't have thyroid issues and although we have to watch what we eat, we don't have any of the difficulties you have faced. Also? No one gets on our cases for eating a cookie. Or five.

Dude. Everyone eats a box of cookies alone in the dark of their pantry. It happens. If any troll jumps on here and says anyone deserves to be fat because of that, they need to see a therapist immediately because clearly they have issues.

I hope you get your thyroid condition under control and feel better all around.

You are awesome. I love your blog.

I just wanted you to know I read this post, reread this post, and then I read it again. I'll probably come back again because I can feel strength oozing outta the words. Thank you for doing this. No really, thank you.

Delurking to say that this:

"I’ll never be the girl who hugs her fat rolls and tells them that I love them because they’re beautiful and precious, but I most certainly am trying to be the girl who loves her life and the people she’s been blessed to have in it more than she hates the way her body looks."

is really where I'm trying to be.
Thank you for posting this. You rock!

Damn, fat girl. I just came by to say "hi."

What a terrific post. I can remember in high school,at 142, and still wanting to be so much thinner. I remember my calves. I have always been concerned with going up and down so I have not had as much of that (although I am heavier than 142) but it's amazing how one day I feel ok and the other I'm like holy "cow" what happened? Today was a yucky day. It's terrible what we put ourselves through.
Your fish lips picture is adorable!!!
Blessings,
Debbie aka The Real World Martha(S)

Thank you, everyone. This one was hard to post. Thanks for listening and for understanding and for the incredibly supportive, honest responses.

Much love to all of you.

This was a honest and touching post. I'm glad you didn't delete it.
I'm also trying to live in that space where although you are not happy with your body you realize that you love of the people and things around you outweighs that unhappiness.
Thank you.

I was moved by your post because I've been on that roller coaster myself. I have thyroid trouble too and it just makes it so much harder. I hope you are being treated and that it helps.

I'm glad you didn't hit delete.

The pain resonates throughout your post. You *do* have a disorder that causes coma-inducing fatigue and severe and seemingly permanent weight gain. I know. I only had one child and developed hypothyroidism.

You may not be the type of person who wants to accept yourself at the weight you now are, but please, please don't be so hard on yourself. Doctors notoriously undertreat this disease. They give you a synthetic pill and tell you that your numbers are great! and you should feel chipper in no time. It doesn't always happen that way.

I always enjoy reading your blog. Thanks again for being so honest.

Thank you for this honest and riveting post. I'm glad you didn't hit delete. You think it wasn't written well, but wow...

I'm sorry you have to go through this, but I'm glad you're looking to put your focus on the positive things and blessings in your life.

{hugs}

I love you for writing this!

Y... I love you for being so honest. and you need to know that people love you always no matter what size, shape, hair, skin, etc. you have. Now- tell me this when I bitch about being 228. Yes- I am. I hate it.
Thanks for always being so honest and open and just- just Y.
And girl... they have cute clothes for la wimmens large- Torrid.com and a whole shit load. They at least help me feel sexier. I know you can rock that shit sexier than anyone no matter what size the label says.
Love ya girl.

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even though you gained weight back, you still look amazing... and you should definitely give yourself a break if it's mostly out of your control. it's good to hear that you are going to try to focus more on getting healthy. maybe that will help you FEEL better about yourself too. i really wish i had the strength and willpower that you have. you really are an inspiration.

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Good luck.