My faith is never that God will take away the pain or suffering but that I am never alone in it. I don't wanna get all preachy (can I blame preachiness on the Hash?) but dude, seriously? I'm not sure I could get through anything if I didn't have faith that He is with me.

That's beautiful, actually. So, your faith allows you to believe that you're not in this alone. That you have someone to draw strength from?

I think that's what I need.

oh and don't ever worry about getting "too preachy" with me. My dad is a pastor. One can never get preachier than THAT, so, I can take it. :-)

My husband is an athiest and I waver. I grew up in a household where we went to church but it was much more of a social thing. My mother and sister are now firm believers but nothing crazy.

A few nites ago, my husband and I were talking about faith and how you get it. Where does it come from? Why do people believe? Is it because they truly believe or is it because they are afraid of the consequences? How do people just simply believe in God or any other religious figure?

When you figure all this out, can you let me know?

k? Thanks.

I am not the most religious person, but I do believe in the power of positive thinking. I think that surrounding yourself with people that love you and giving off positive energy(oh man, I'm sounding New Age-y and I'm so not THAT person) can only help. You are more relaxed, focusing your body's energy towards fighting whatever it is that ails you. I had religion jammed down my throat when I was younger and one even went so far as to say that only bad Christians get sick, and those Who Don't Believe get really sick. I guess that's why I ran the other way.

damn italics...

I just *love* your blogs...

I was reared Catholic and my husband was reared Baptist. After many weeks/months/years of reading all kinds of sources and truly - TRULY - doing our research, today we are both Atheists.

I used to envy the faith that others have in a "God" but now I don't. I know (IMHO) that deep down all we have is what we are here and now, and there is nothing after this life. I'd rather live in the present than prepare for something I, personally, am sure doesn't exist.

No disrespect to anyone is intended. We all have our own beliefs and I respect yours so please respect mine. Thanks.

Stepher

Sometimes our loved ones have to believe for us while we are frustrated and in pain. I think your Dad is doing that for you.

Wishing you health - believing that God cares.

super glad to hear that you are feeling better, at least for today!

Hi Y! I love that you're asking all these questions. And I don't have all the answers. But I am one of "those" people ;) that has faith in God, and I can only answer for myself.

I have faith. If I were to get cancer, I'd like to say I'd have faith that God would heal me. But God also has a plan and that plan might not include me being healed on earth. We never know. But I rest completely assured that whatever I do go through in my life, it's for a reason. I will probably never understand why while I'm going through it. But be it poverty, hardship, heartbreak or whatever, I ALWAYS ALWAYS see why it is I faced those hard times later on. My faith grows stronger in those times because I have nothing on this earth to lean on- I only have my God. And that's what He wants from us! He wants us to love Him and to focus on Him.

I read recently that "One by one He removes the options until all you have left is God.... If He must silence every voice, He will. He wants you to hear His music."

I pray you find the answers you're looking for Y!! ((hugs))

Here's where you're being too hard on yourself - you say that for most people, it seems like faith is this beautiful, simple thing. Umm, NO. Having faith, even during extreme trials, is REALLY FREAKING HARD. Even for the most devout believer.

It's hard to understand why you AREN'T getting healed (or why your child isn't, or your parent, your finances, the state of the world, etc) when you keep praying and having faith that God WILL heal you. I think that the (or a) key to keeping faith during trials is just understanding that for whatever reason, God has a plan for the current affliction, and that He won't give us anything more than we can handle. It's so hard to believe that, because it never seems true at the time. Looking back on some of the worst times in life though, the times you have made it through, it gets a little more believable.

Anyway, all to say - having faith ISN'T always simple and beautiful, just like staying married isn't always love and roses and great sex.

I am glad to hear you want to pursue the faith a little more. I believe that you need to have faith that Jesus CAN heal you and continue to pray for that healing. He hears AND answers prayers. I will pray for you too. I also have thyroid problems but it was never to the extent your is and mine is well controlled with meds. GOod luck to you. It looks like you are on an upward swing now.

Elisa- thanks for pointing that out... I hadn't thought about it like that. I am really enjoying what you all have to say about this, you're helping me more than you know.

I've been reading for a while but never posted a comment before. I hope you don't mind my thoughts.
This is one of the things I struggle with the most. I DO believe in God. And I believe He CAN and DOES heal. But it's hard to have the faith that He will heal me. Like, why me?
But I look at my son. He's FOUR years old and has the most simple faith I've ever seen. He just simply believes. Last summer he had these warty bumps on the back of his leg. They were gross and anyoying. We took him to the doctor 3 times over about 6 months and the things just would not go away. We finnaly told him that we should just pray about it and that God will heal him. And he sat down and said his own prayer and asked that the bumps be healed. I kid you not, THE NEXT DAY the bumps were gone. Completely gone. The only thing I can say is that he had the faith that God would just do it because he asked. If we could all have simple faith like a child! Anyways, I'm not sure where I'm going with this...other than I've seen God heal with my own eyes. And I just want to let you know that I think you can be healed. And I'll pray that God can give you the faith to believe it too.

Well, I'm not Christian, and I usually describe myself as a lapsed Pagan, so definitely know going in that this isn't something where I'm coming from your perspective! Having faith that you'll be healed for me comes down more to believing that the solution is out there, and that you have the resources to pursue it. It's not something that'll come in a flash of light, but instead it's something that's waiting for you to get to.

It's definitely not as glamorous as the getting smacked down with healing version of things, but it makes a lot more sense to me. So, instead of making the follow-up visits unneccessary, it makes me believe that the follow-up visits are helping, even when it feels like there's no progress being made at all.

I rarely struggle with faith, it is the canon of the church that I question. When my father got sick I often turned to prayer for solace. I knew it wasn't going to be magical thinking; I knew Jesus wasn't going to come on down and cure my dad's cancer.

When we got the news that his illness was terminal I sought out the hospital's clergyman. I don't know why; some impulse made me do it. That minister (who was not of my specific religion) gently told me that my dad's illness would not be cured. So, short of a miracle, what would I ask God for?

I asked for my dad to live before he died. To not close up on us. And in some ways he did just that, but praying about it allowed me the mental space to deal with the prospect of my dad's death.

Faith is hard to achieve, and I don't think it should be blind. I believe a thinking person has to surrender a little bit to have it - and that is where you are forced to make an uncomfortable leap.

I also think it can ebb and flow. Wishing you luck on your quest.
xoxox
A

I am intrigued by what you have written too. My husband and I are having some $ issues that I am stressing out to the max about. Like, literal, physical stress. I KNOW God will provide, but my stressing out is indicitive of little faith. I have to force myself to have FAITH that He will provide the much needed job, or the sale of our home. I have to remind myself, and remind myself, and remind myself. I try to relax and rest in that faith. It's tough. I think that is the point. Or part of it. Medically, I think-similarly with this...having faith that He provides doesn't mean I shouldn't scour the want ads, or that you shouldn't be treated medically, it means we rest in knowing ultimately it isn't in our hands, it is in far greater hands, that want good for us. However, I also believe these situations He uses to teach us, to trust Him and in general to learn lots of things, even to draw closer TO Him. Like humility, for me. I am getting the feeling we are to live more humbly, or at least be willing to. I have to remember that all good things come from God. Everything we do have, came from Him...so we have to be good stuards with what has been given. I think that may apply to health also. But, you have mentioned several times the desire to get yourself back into church. I think it is a wonderful step-because I think you will find some answers in the teaching you will find there. The other thing I encourage you to do, and I think you will find some answers there, pick up the Good Book. I just picked our up for the first time in a loooongg time and found a lot of encouragement at the moment I really needed it. My husband and I have grown closer in sharing it.
This quest we are on, has answers, and a destination. I think we are on the right path. Doesn't mean there won't be trip ups, but at least we will have a secure home base we can always rely on. Our belief.

Good luck. I Hope you will continue to feel better. Sorry to have rambled...

I've been a Christian for about half my life, your question about "how do you get faith?" is a pretty common one...at least in my circles! I don't know where the rumor that faith is a simple thing came from, but every single person I know (including pastors) have struggled with their faith many many times. And believing in God and having faith in Him are very much two different things. The first is much easier than the second. Think of a paper plate. You don't know if it's generic or Chinet. You believe in the paper plate, that it will hold your baked beans and not leak onto your favorite outfit, but do you have faith that it will do it when you spoon on the beans? That depends on what the plate is made of, right? Me? I have to test the paper plate, and once it has passed the test, I will trust it. I will have faith in it. My faith in God is similar. I don't have to test that the paper plate will hold a piece of bread. Whether I'm right or wrong, that analogy is a picture of my faith life. Some things are easier for me to have faith about than other things. And I KNOW I'm not the only Christian that feels like that.
As Cate says, it's about believing (and eventually knowing once you've felt it enough) that you are not alone no matter what you are going through.
And let me be the first (well, hopefully not the first EVER) to tell you that you are not (repeat ARE NOT) the "one" person that Jesus doesn't love. That person doesn't exist. Nope. Jesus does love you. Bigger and stronger and higher and deeper than any of us humans have the capacity to understand or to love other people. And he loves you whether he chooses to heal you or not. And he loves you whether you believe in him or not.
And as for healing, maybe you go back to the doctor in 4 weeks, and you're not 100% healed...but maybe it's not in God's plan, yet, to 100% heal you. That's possible, right? His timing is not our timing. (Do you give your children everything they want or need the moment they ask for it?) And, sad to say, but sometimes God chooses to not heal us in this lifetime and in this world. Dangit. That healing is in heaven.
My faith? Is based on a LOT of prayer, asking God to help me with my disbelief and lack of faith. It is based on what I have experienced, and know to be God's hand, as well as the hope within me that what I don't understand or don't feel is actually getting taken care of by something bigger than me.
Here's an example. Your dad showed up last night (surprise!), and prayed for you. A deep, personal, meaningful prayer. And you know that because of your dad's faith that God heard that prayer. And...uh...how'ya feelin' today? Better? Maybe it's a coincidence, I don't know. But I will believe that you feel better today because of last night. And the new meds.
And to Stephanie - I know NO Christians that believe because they are afraid of the consequences. We believe because of a lot of different reasons, but none are based on fear. Faith comes from within. Choosing to believe in God and having faith in Him and what happens comes from within. It's corny, it's campy, it's whatever...but we ALL have the capacity to believe and have faith in a higher power. We must first choose to believe, and choose to follow that higher power, and then accept the gifts that come with it. Or we choose not to.
(it got kinda preachy, no?) :o)

"Your dad showed up last night (surprise!), and prayed for you. A deep, personal, meaningful prayer. And you know that because of your dad's faith that God heard that prayer. And...uh...how'ya feelin' today? Better?"

WHOA. Melissa. That gave me chills.

I don't have much to weigh in on the religious discussion, because I was raised in a semi-christian household and I have never been a believer myself.

However, "You gotta have FAITH. I wish I could touch ya boooody..." etc has been running in my head ever since I read this post. I don't know whether or not I should be thanking you, but I am REALLY glad to hear that you're starting to feel a little bit better. Every little bit helps!!

Also? My mom has been fighting with her thyroid ever since I was a kid. I don't ever her getting as bad as you've been describing, but you're definitely in my thoughts. I know that this is a frustrating and difficult journey that you're going through, that often feels very lonely. Someday, this time of your life will only be a memory. That doesn't help much now, but maybe it helps to know that you're not alone and an out of whack thyroid totally effs up life. It WILL get better!

I haven't read all of the comments so I don't know what's been said but please keep in mind that God is not a genie in a bottle. He doesn't grant wishes or answer all of our prayers the way we want him to. But he is there with us, as Cate said.

Having faith doesn't come easy. It's something I think all of us waver from or question from time to time. We're human. But every time I've ever gotten myself in a pickle that I can't get out of...when the problems are bigger than me...I turn to God, ask for help, trust in Him, and eventually, it all works out. It always has. I just need to learn to come to Him sooner rather than trying to sort life's problems out on my own.

And church - if you can find one you're comfortable in - is always a good idea. It forces me to focus for longer stretches of time than the 30 seconds it takes me to send up a prayer while I'm driving in the car or trying to fall asleep at night. Sending happy thoughts your way!

For me its about having faith that God will put me in the path of someone who can help heal me. I do have faith that God will provide for our family. But that doesnt mean I dont go to the Dr. that means I believe he will bring people into my life that will heal and help provide. I believe he uses people everyday in my life for all kinds of reasons. Good luck.

Look at it this way: You have nothing to lose by praying to God for answers. On the flipside, you could have everything to lose. It depends on how you look at it.

Your dad has been praying for you. I have no doubt in my mind that God nudged him to do what he did for you at the time you needed it to be done.

I'm not a big believer in the Church. I have issues with the Bible and don't want to live my life because of a book written so long ago. And I think some fanatics hide behind it....don't let gays be married, why? Because it says so in the Bible. Crap, I tell you. You can find a passage in the Bible to fit anything you want it to if you look hard enough, it's all taken out of context and used for personal purposes.

However, I do belive in God, a God, whomever or whatever that may be. I think your God is the same as my God and it's also the same God that the fanatics pray to. I think he listens to us all and I think he loves me as much as he loves them.

I have faith that I am loved, I am important, and I have value. I know that I am meant to walk down whatever path has been chosen for me.

I try really hard not to pray for things. As much as I would love a million dollars, I feel like God has a path for me and maybe a million dollars isn't on my path. I also think that some people are just meant to have a tougher life. I have a whole belief on coming back and learning again and again and each go around you get another shot at making less mistakes, but that's another comment for another time.
What I do pray for is peace. Usually I start with thanking God for 5 things that I am grateful for today. If it has been a particularly rough day it goes something like, "Thank you for the children, thank you for the husband, thank you for the house and my health and thank you that it's bed time." On days when I am feeling a bit more appreciative I thank him a bit more in depth. And then I pray for peace. Peace that I will know that I am loved and even if something horrible happens, peace that I will get through it.

I pray for Peace for you, Y. That you will figure out why you are walking this journey and that you discover just how strong and wonderful you are.

If you don't have faith or religion in your life, just wait ten minutes. At least one person will come and shove it down your throat in one form or another, or try to make you feel bad for not having faith. You've lived that your entire life already.

I'm glad you're feeling better and the meds finally hit the proper blood level to make you feel like you're supposed to.

I think the first step is to have faith in yourself. And that's one of the hardest things to have faith in...

To me it's like love. How can you love others if you don't love yourself? Same with faith. Need to have faith in YOU before you can put your faith in others.. whether that be God, a higher power, etc...

You've already gotten some really great, thoughtful answers and pretty much each of them had some thought or idea in them that I found myself nodding in agreement with.
I grew up in a wonderful Christian family. Did the church thing, youth group thing, the whole deal. I married my husband knowing that we would be going into ministry. My life was ideal or at least looked that way from the outside, I'm sure.
Two years ago I had the world drop out from under me - financially everything went down the tubes, I sunk into a year long depression and I gave up on God. You see, I thought God had given up on me. My faith was shaken and I didn't think I would ever be in a place where I would trust in Him again.
I look back now and can see - God never gave up on me. Even though I wasn't talking to Him, He was still there whispering to me. Like your father unexpectedly showing up and praying for you, my husband was there praying for me - wanting me to realize that God was right there. To realize that God had been holding me in His hands all along.
I guess for me faith is knowing that while you will have your amazing, glorious highs and your despairing lows, God will be right there with you through it all.

(Melissa put it beautifully.)

I think faith one of those very personal things, in that it's different for different people. Do I think God will heal everyone who has faith in him? No, not necessarily. BUT, that said, having faith will help you get through the rough parts, the illness, the pain, will help you see beyond it and see the good in life again.

Like you, I've always believed in God. But I didn't always have faith. Losing my son caused me to turn to faith. I think you finally realize the importance of faith in your life when you hit a sort of "rock bottom". Not true for everyone, I'm sure, but it was true for me. Because you realize you needs *something* to help you. And I truly believe that faith has helped me. Not overnight, but over time.

Good luck, Y, you deserve some happiness. I hope that you can have more of these beautiful days more often.

I will spare you the "I can relates" and just say this: That. Was. Beautiful.

I am so happy you're having a good day. Here's to a good day tomorrow, too!

First of all-- that "forever" thing scares me too. Because like, no matter how awesome heaven is, I'm worried that after like 5899 years, I'll get bored. But then that makes me feel bad because I should trust that I will somehow not get bored or something....

About the other-- this is probably going to sound SUPER corny but I often thing about this older country song w/ the lyric "sometimes God's greatest gifts, are unanswered prayers." I just take that to mean that I can't possibly know what is best for me or how something would have turned out if it had gone the way I wanted. Maybe while napping some afternoon away you missed getting hit by a bus or something? Like I said-- corny. I guess my faith is that God loves me and that my life will be exactly as He planned it to be, and that is best. For me, for those around me-- that there is a REASON things are the way they are. I have faith I am not alone, that I am not forgotten, and that life is not random.

What a great post, Y!

I don't know the answers, and it can be a struggle coming to grips with your own terms of faith, especially when "religion" has previously let you down (or the people in religion anyway).

Good luck with the thyroid - I don't care whether it is Jesus pulling on a guernsey for you or the medication kicking in, but whatever means that means you get your groove back I am barracking for.

I understand all of your questions (trust me, I have the same ones!) but I think Melissa hit the nail on the head. As I read your post, I was like, wow -- God sent her dad to her to help her have the faith she needs right now. He healed her to show her that he's there -- that she should still believe.

Now that's not to say that all our prayers get answered (trust me, if they did, I'm pretty sure my mom, dad & sister would still be alive, and my two remaining brothers wouldn't be disabled) -- but I also agree w/Melissa that I think our answers and healing wait for us in Heaven.

I pray to talk to God but rarely to ask for things anymore. Just to thank him and let him know I have faith in him. Hopefully that's the right kind of thing to pray for.

(((HUGS))))

You know where I stand.

God is good.

I also think he uses Doctors and such to help.

xo

I'm so glad you had a better day. Faith can be hard to have sometimes, I know. I generally suck at it ;) Remember, "Lord, I believe, help my unbelief."
God's always willing to give us more faith, if we ask.
I'm thinkin' of you, and praying for you. I'll try to have some faith on your behalf, and maybe you can save some up for me the next time I'm too far down to see it.

I'm glad today was better.

I understand the faith thing. I'd love to have it, but my brain just won't let go. It's hard. And I didn't grow up with religion.

If it helps, even Mother Teresa questioned her faith at times. Yes, there are people who just believe blindly and their faith never seems to falter, and that might seem enviable. But I think that if you really struggle with your beliefs, and question the existence of God and Jesus and all of it, you're most likely a better person for it. And a lot of times, those end up being the people with the *strongest* faith of all. Remember that Socrates quote that "an unexamined life is not worth living."

And btw, if you find Your Horny, will you see if mine is anywhere nearby? I think it packed up for an extended vacation around the time I got pregnant, and I sure do miss it. (Baby is 15 months old now! Where is My Horny??) Wouldn't surprise me if it's having a daiquiri on a beach in SoCal, so if you find it, let me know.

Shee-it, girl. Maybe we should room together at BlogHer. I just think, "How FUN are you? Even when you're down in the dumps? You're funny, and a lot of people don;t have humor. So you have that." (Cue scence from Garden State when Zach Braff tells Natalie Portman something and says, "I have that...").

Whatever, you gotta tap into YOUR resources.

Smiles.

Omm, I've had wine. So sorry about the typos. you don't care, right?

Love....

Faith takes work. Having been through some major bad events in my life, my faith helped to sustain through a crisis and would then falter as depression or whatever took over. For those of us who are skeptics or have the need to question, faith is hard. I've learned the answers to certain questions don't matter. I'll never know why I lost a child, why we carry this rare disease that kept us from having more children(besides the two before we had Brennie, who died at 10 months old). The answer probably wouldn't help. I believe there's a reason for most everything, it's just a reason I don't know about.

I'm excited you are feeling better!!! It's so wonderful, isn't it?

Y, I personally don't think that any "church" can give or teach you faith. It is something within yourself. You gain it by the things you witness with your own eyes and experiences.

Those who go "overboard" and expect God to "fix" it all ... God helps those who help themselves! He may not give you what you want, but He'll definitely give you what you need.

Like how when things got REALLY bad, and you moved into your parents house for a while. Your parents opened their home to you, keeping you off the streets. That was God providing for you. Though, it was YOUR choice to accept your parents offer. God may not given you what you wanted, but He definitely gave you what you NEEDED! Shelter.

I personally believe that God helped me to keep my sanity, through 15 years of a TERRIBLY abusive marriage. BUT, he did not "fix" it for me. I had to be the one to "make the move" and help myself, by leaving, when I felt the time was right. My faith, helped me along the way. To make it through all those year, and to make it through starting my life all over again!

You have a problem with your Thyroid. It sux pond scum! Praying to God to "fix" it, well, he won't! Miracles are RARE! Though, options are provided for you to help take care of yourself! There are medicines to help you with this. Though, it takes time to get them fine tuned, and yes, you will take them for the rest of your life.

Both my mom and baby sis have Graves Disease. Mom opted for irradiation and meds for the rest of her life, and my baby sis opted to have her Thyroid removed, and meds for the rest of her life. So, yes, I have a good idea of what you're going through! No, it's NO fun. Not at ALL! My sis, by the way, was DEEPLY into her "church" at the time. MASSIVE amounts of prayer going on for her. She was not cured! Obviously. BUT, there was an option given to her to help "maintain" (if that's the right word) it.

I have Diabetes. I take insulin, multiple times a day. Every day. NOTHING will EVER change that. I will take insulin for the rest of my life. God ain't gonna "fix" my Diabetes. But, the insulin is there to help me live a much longer life, than without it. Help me to maintain it! It's MY choice to take that medical intervention.

If you sit on the railroad tracks with a train racing towards you, in hopes that God is going to "save" you, well he's NOT going to!! No, He's not going to pluck you off the tracks! Nope! Unless you use those legs that God gave you, you gonna DIE!

I don't know how to explain it better than those examples.

I'm Christian, I have TONS of faith, but I'm also realistic! Though, I don't go to Church. I haven't since I was about 16 years old. (I'm almost 44 now).

I see most Churches as corrupt and cult-ish. TOO many of them make up their own rules as they go along, to suit what ever brainwashing ideas/ideals they have! Seen it TOO often. That whole "false profit" thing really bothers me!

I do, however read my Bible. I may have to read passages numerous times over and over, but The Lord helps me to understand/translate them. I don't need anyone to "read and translate" them for me! ;0)

So, search within yourself. Review your life experiences, and see where God has "helped" you out in your times of need!! Even review those around you, who you are close too, and see how He has "helped" them in their times of need. I believe these things will help to "grow" your faith!

I will be praying for you, for God to show you how He has helped you. To find the faith that resides right within yourself, that you so much desire, and the strength to get through these trying times in your life. *hugz*

Y,
Sometimes we don't necessarily have to pray and ask God for faith. I think we should just pray and ask God to handle our lives in the way he wants, whatever God wants is what we should want, because after all he is going to give us want he wants us to have regardless, ask for his blessings and tell him how much you love him. Thank him for all he has given you, and leave the rest up to him. I have been extremely tired lately as well and thought it was my thyroid but my test came back that I am actually anemic. Maybe your doc could test you for that.. I had other symptoms with it as well such as restless legs. Hope you feel better soon honey!!

I know exactly how you feel Y. I've lived with this thyroid crap since 1993. I was put on thyroid hormone, got better, until 1997 and it all went to hell. It's been up and down ever since. One year I was pretty much bed-ridden (for the entire year). I wish I knew the answers for me and you both. I don't mean to sound like it's crap from now on. I still have hope and I still look for answers. I just wanted you to know that you're not alone, I know EXACTLY how you feel. I don't know about faith but always have hope.

Cheryl in Missouri

I remember telling my Pastor, who is my boss, who is like a father to me that I didn't have faith. That it bothered me cos I felt like a crappy Christian and here I was being in charge of the kids ministry at church (along with the hub) and I was struggling trying so hard to look after everyone in my life and I just couldn't do that thing of "just put it in God's hands"

I couldn't believe for healing because I'd asked God to heal my son and he died...

He said "of course you have faith, you stepped out of a church that you used to love because it wasn't helping people and started a new church knowing that it would work"

"Well, yeah that obvious though, that wasn't faith, that wasn't me having faith that was just like 'Well duh!'"

He said that was faith. I was still convinced that I had none.
But while I was taking a bath that night, it just...well, sunk in. Y'know in the Bible it talks about us all having a measure of faith? well... that was mine. I think anytime we have a "well duh" a "of course" in our life... that is our faith showing. And as we act on the "well duh"s our faith grows. Some people would look at my "well duh" and say I have great faith and I look at their faith for healing and say that is great faith and it could just be their "well duh" their measure of faith. I hope to have faith for healing again someday, but I don't feel it is something that I have to push myself towards, right now I just need to do what I need to do with the measure of faith that I already have.
If you just believe that God really exists... if that is " well duh" to you (k, i've said that enough now) then... you have a measure of faith right there. Just work with what you have right now.

I've said enough or too much or something. Love you xx

What a great post, Y.

I'd say it just takes practice, and asking God for help. Read Mark Ch 9. It's about the man who brings his son to Jesus, and Jesus asked him about his belief. The father said "I do believe! Help me overcome my unbelief!" I love that his instinct was to claim belief to get what he wanted/needed at that instant, and he probably had it on some level. On another level, though, he didn't know if he had enough faith, or faith in that certain area, so he begged for help to overcome his unbelief.

I'm thinking that's a lot like me, and like your situation that you're describing in this post. You believe in God, but you don't know if you can believe that God is who He says He is, or that He will do what He says He can do. (BTW this is all from Beth Moore's study "Believing God". I HIGHLY recommend it. She's very REAL about lacking faith.)

I used to view faith as something I had to come up with from deep inside myself, in a pull-my-faith-up-by-its-bootstraps sort of way. NOT SO. I was doing the happy dance when I realized that Jesus gives us a perfect example in Mark 9:13 about what to do when our faith lags... ask for more. And keep asking. He rewards your continual asking with more and more faith, because it's in your asking Him that you show Him that you need Him. And He NEVER fails you.

Like another poster said, though, God isn't a genie in a bottle. Also like another poster said, He doesn't give you everything you ask for the second you ask for it. Similarly, we don't do that for our children because we can see the bigger picture. God can see an even bigger picture than that. We don't let our kids play in traffic, however much fun it may seem to them at the time, because we know the consequences. We can see those consequences with crystal clarity and heartbreaking sadness at the thought of what could happen. It is the same way with God. He knows consequences of each an every action simultaneously. As much as we wail against it, He doesn't let certain things happen because he sees the consequences in crystal clarity. He knows the big picture.

To me, that's comforting. I don't have to stress about whether decisions are right when I know that God can see the big picture and He's leading me, like I would do for my son, only on a much bigger scale. He loves me more than I could ever love my son. He wants the best for me even more than I could want the best for my son. That's pretty huge.

Practice makes perfect. I pray that you find your faith.

And your Horny. Horny is important in keeping a marriage healthy. :)

Oh, um, and one other thing... sorry if this gets preachy, and sorry for hijacking your comments. I believe that the passage in Isaiah 53 is referencing a healing of a relationship. The purpose of Jesus' crucifixion was to restore a right relationship between individual people and God, not to heal all physical wounds that may ever exist in future believers. It doesn't necessarily reference physical healing. That said, I think it's a great scripture to think about in your situation because your deeper issue is your faith, not your body. And in that sense, Isaiah 53 is perfect for you right now. Jesus made the ultimate sacrifice to restore you to a right relationship with God, but you still have to step toward Him.

OK. That is all. Carry on. :-P

Faith. Believing. Whether God truly takes the suffering away, or you just believe that he does, regardless, if you have faith you can push all those nasty emotions away: fear, anger, panic, etc. Those emotions are toxic by itself.

I'm practical and I struggle with faith. It can't hurt but it can help. Praying to God (meditation) or talking to God (therapy) has kept me grounded several times in my life when I felt lost.

And hey, my left knee is buckling all the time now. Don't think you can blame that one on thyroid. It's getting older that causes that! :)

Glad to hear that you're feeling better!

I'm a new convert to Christianity (I was a lifelong atheist) so, needless to say, the concept of faith is not something that came naturally to me. I've researched and read and asked blog readers about it, and got some good advice. In case it's helpful, here's what I got:

To have "faith" in these types of situations is to basically make a conscious decision to trust that God will work it all out; to believe that as long as you keep turning to him and trying to discern his will for you each day, that he's got it covered; to believe that even if you didn't receive immediate physical healing, that'd he'll keep guiding you on the path that brings you closer to him, which will bring you more peace and joy than anything.

There was recently an interesting discussion over at my site in which I asked readers to give *specific* examples of what it means to "turn it over to God" if you have any interest:
http://www.conversiondiary.com/2008/04/what-does-it-mean-to-turn-it-over-to.html

You'll be in my prayers. :)

Many here have already shared many wise things...a couple of thoughts I had after reading your post.

Wow, yeah, I get the thyroid thing. I've struggled with it for years and you're right to stay vigilant as to your numbers and to your body's feelings. Feeling consistently better is possible -- and very important to have a doctor in your corner who doesn't blow you off (i.e. the "hand on the doorknob" doctor who just wants you to shut up so that she can see the next patient. I got rid of her. And the "talk to the patient's husband about hockey" while I ignore her thyroid concerns. He's gone too.)

Reading previous posts, it sounds like you grew up in a pretty oppressive church environment, and I just want to encourage you that many many Bible believing churches are not like that. Church can be awful, but it can also be pretty great to find that community and support. Praying that you guys find the right one.

And faith? It's a total struggle for everyone, but I guess that the more we see God come through, the more we trust that track record, the teensy bit easier it gets. Not that God makes life simple or painless. But he does make sure that we're never ever alone. And I think of the many passages in the Bible that say that if we seek God, we will find him. If you're seeking -- and you so clearly and wonderfully ARE seeking -- you don't need to fear not finding. He really is right there -- and I suspect that he wants to show you that he was awfully misrepresented in your childhood and I know that he wants to show you his love, his promises, his joy in you.

Hang in there.

God or no God, I love the fact that your father loves you enough to a) drop in a check on you, and b) see that you are not doing well and do whatever he can to make it better.

Whatever your struggles with him in the past, I found that incredibly touching that he felt how much you were hurting.

Sometimes, when I think about all the good people who are in my life, I think that there must be someone up there looking out for me.

Y:

I've been reading your blog for almost a year now - but this is my first time commenting probably.

Here's the way I believe it.

First - your childhood? was skewed. And I think you've got a really healthy attitude about it now because you realize that your parents weren't actually trying to damage you (although they did) and they were doing what they did/said because they love you and want what's right for you. Whether they are right or not - totally different story.

You're right about faith though - it's not something you find. and for some of us it's easier than for others. It's not easy for me. It's not. I have friends who it seems to come easy to and they tell me you just have to believe, but it's a struggle for me every day. and some days - every minute of the day.

A couple of things I've figured out though over the past few years - and I truly believe that they were revealed to me because I was honestly seeking and wanted to believe.

God is love. perfect love. with no strings, no agendas, no baggage. God IS love. but not a love I can comprehend. (working on it though - it's something I really want to explore and be a part of.)

The verse your dad quoted at you? I think that we all have always tended to see that as healing the way we interpret healing. But I think God was thinking more of an eternal thing. (and btw - eternity with God? Yeh. Totally freaks me out too. I avoid thinking of it even though it's what I'm supposed to be longing for. Not quite there yet. I'm a little afraid of being bored actually. But that's OK - God knows that and loves me anyway) But I think that we all make the mistake of seeing the Bible as what he's going to do for us in the here and now. and He's more of - I've already done it for you for eternity.

Man - this is rambling - and I don't mean for it to be. I really wish we could sit and talk back and forth about this - because it's something I've been really struggling with myself.

I do think though - that God wants you to see Him. The real Him. The true Him. Through all this.

It's not easy. But I'll be praying for you if that helps at all.

Love your blog...been reading for quite some time. I don't think I've ever commented, but his post hit quite home. After having been going to church (a hardcore church) for most of my childhood and preteen life, I quit. After several years, I've recentlystarted going again. Things were going great, until my daughter started to get 'sick' again (she has autism)...I am now struggling really hard in trusting God's promises. I mean, there are some things I can't, and maybe I will never understand (like how can children be put on this earth to suffer), but I kind of get that, maybe these things are not meant to be understood at all. We all operate with the motto: seeing is believing, but in God's world, it's kind of the other way around: believe to see. And boy oh boy (I don't wanna use the Lord's name in vain...lol) that is more difficult than a root canal...

I'm still not there yet, but I'm learning to trust with a few things and see how it all ravels out.

Hmmm...powerful thoughts. I have always felt that God does exist, but that he has put us here and takes a backseat as we go about our lives. Meaning that he has given us all the tools (mentally, emotionally, physically) to deal with our problems. I'm not saying that means we all have to deal with things by ourselves. The opposite, actually. I think every time we ask for help from someone else, whether it be in the form of a shoulder to cry on or going to the doctor for medical treatment, that IS God helping us. We are intelligent beings for a reason. God WANTS us to make the most of all we can do and all we can figure out. Advances in medicine, technology, etc are ways that God is helping.

Whew - it is hard to get all those jumbled thoughts out, and maybe what I've said doesn't make any sense. Thanks for a well-written, thought provoking post!

I think that faith SEEMS simple but really it is far from it. I have been a good person all my life, thinking that was enough. I became a Christian about 7 years ago. Taking that leap of faith to ask for God's forgiveness was hard. I was so hesitant to do it because, honestly, I expected to FEEL something or see fireworks when I finally did it and I was scared to be let down. Someone once said to me: "You have faith that the person driving the opposite direction down the street will stay on his side of the road...that is huge." I don't know...I think faith in God is hard because it's intangible.
I believe in God. I know He has a plan for me, and each of us. I'm a firm believer in "everything happens for a reason." I'm not sure how I would feel/deal if I had long-term medical issues, so I see your struggle, Y. I think what it comes down to is that you have to keep believing and know there's a bigger plan/picture for you. ((hugs))

Having faith that God will take care of you doesn't mean that you believe you'll never have hard times. We live in an imperfect world with germs and mean people and sick thyroids, and sometimes crap happens. But God has promised to hold up those who believe in Him, to give them peace and strength, and that's the promise I hold onto every day.

All you have to do is pray. God answers prayers; I am living proof of that. Pray that God will help you believe, that your faith will grow; pray that you can find Him even in the middle of your struggles. You may struggle with your thyroid for the rest of your life, but God can give you the strength to fight it and the peace to know that He cares for you and your sweet family.

I, too, grew up in a conservative religion. It's hard to trust in a God who you see as a punishing disciplinarian. But that's NOT who God is! He loves us and wants us to love him back! I have found a home in a community church where we worship a loving God with open arms and hearts; I pray that you too will find a spiritual home that helps you see who God really is.

I grew up in a Christian home and have spent my entire adult life in the Christian music business. I'm married to a man who grew up in a this-far-from-snake-handling Pentecostal church with a father who was a pastor AND an alcoholic, and he has spent his entire adult life trying to unravel that little ball of fun. Oh yeah, he was physically abused, too. It just gets better and better. The fact that neither one of us are barking mad OR savior-hating serial killers may be all the testament to the existence of a Real Live God I'm ever gonna need.

Because the deal is, Y-- I really DO believe. I believe in a Higher Power that loves me beyond all sense or reason, and is rooting for me to make it through this crazy, painful, beautiful, incredible gift of a life with that love and faith still intact. He has been there, front and center or lurking around the edges of every experience I have ever had. I know that, even when it didn't 'feel' like it. I also believe that people do get healed, but it sure doesn't seem to happen every time and it sure doesn't seem to have anything to do with how good they are or how hard they try. Because I DO NOT believe that God is some kind of cackling Big Guy In The Sky holding the doggie biscuit juuuust out of our reach while we, the Yappy Chihuahuas Here On Earth, keep jumping and jumping and jumping... That's not the love of a Father towards his children, that's just sadistic.

I admire your ability to be open to the possibility of God reaching out to you. I respect your fight-- the fight you're going through and the fight IN you. And tonight when I say my right-before-I-drift-off prayer (which, depending on how tired I am, is often just "I love You. I trust You. I thank You.), your name will be in there too. Can't hurt, right?!

I'm with Cate. Having faith doesn't mean that life will be all rosy and free of pain. It means that you will never have to walk through it alone. It's comfort and strength and not magic.

Oh, and anyone who tells you that faith is easy or simple is a liar. I doubt and question and flat out don't believe sometimes. Faith is hard. But I firmly believe that God is OK that we doubt and question. He can handle that. We're not going to scare Him away because we just can't commit or get our head screwed on straight. He's still there. And that is comforting!

Whew, stepping away from the pulpit now now. Someone pass the communion wine. Sassy needs a drink.

Number one...I'm so glad that you felt better, even if it is a little bit of feeling better. Feel blessed in that if not anything else. You've seen the bad so now you got a reminder of how good a little bit feels. Number 2, Never pray for it to be taken away, pray for your peace in handling it all WITH His help. Number 3, w/out sounding stalkerish, but I love reading your blog and looking at your pictures. Your pictures say more than you realize. Take care!

Oh, and congratulations on beginning to feel better.

Hi. I see you have lots of comments on this - damn my slow moving brain - but I wanted to add my two cents for fifty percent off.

Someone once told me that understanding God was knowing his word was an upside down kingdom. Like when he said he would be king, but he was a carpenter. But then really, he was king. Anyway, that prayers were answered, but not in the way that you go in asking for them. That made me mad, because I thought:

'well, you ask to be cured, and that answer probably means you get killed, but if you have faith, getting killed seems like the answer. And I don't want to die.'

For me, I found I couldn't just have faith in God all or nothing. I had to start out small and see if God would prove to me He was reliable. *gets all veclempt* It was very humbling to me to find that once I sat quiet and just listened for God that I could see changes in my life almost immediately.

I also found that reading the bible for direct information about who God was and who Jesus was helped. I was pretty amazed how much stuff I had come to believe about them was not actually who they were. I just about had a heart attack when I saw how pissed Jesus was a good deal of the time. And how he was not the guy trying to keep the peace and strike compromise, but rather someone convicted in beliefs.

Jeez, one more long rambly comment. I'll stop here. Good luck on your journey. Hope to hear how it goes.

Faith to me is believing God is with you, but also that he will do what your life plan is. If that makes sense? I mean, if I were to get cancer, I would not expect God to heal me. I would hope he would, but I would trust in him that he will have happen what needs to happen. Of course I would go to doctor's and all that too, but ultimately it is putting all your trust in him and having faith that he is going to lead you to where you need to be. Sometimes we don't understand where that path will lead or why things happen to us, but in the grand scheme of things he is smart, wise, and kind and we have to have faith that he will take care of us.

Wow! It's great to come back and see what everyone else is saying, too! So much good stuff! Y, we all love you, and we love reading your blog, and (sick as it may seem), we also enjoy reading about your struggles. :o) I think for me, it helps me to realize that I'm not the only one struggling. So many blogs (including mine) are all sunshine and happiness, and that's just not (my) reality. I keep mine light for personal and family reasons, but, seriously, PLEASE, keep being honest.
Here are a couple more things I didn't say: (1) I am SO glad you are feeling better! Keep fighting the fight! (2) Your childhood in the church does suk pond scum! Not every church is like that. There are way too many, but there are good ones out there, too. Unfortunately, every Christian is a sinner. Which means we all make mistakes. And we all interpret the Bible wrong sometimes. I am always so shocked at the stories you tell. HORRIBLE!!! But when you feel a strong enough pull, start talking to the Christians around you about their churches, and maybe there's one near you that will be the right fit for you. (3) I also believe that God uses the people in our lives to carry out His will...from doctors to blog-readers. :o)
Keep fighting the fight. We are all in your corner cheering you on!!

Y,
I don't know what this means BUT, when I started reading this, G.Michael, FAITH came on the radio.... hmmmm.
Love you, hope you are on your way to getting your horney back. Mine was missing from menopause, so I know how that feels.

Y -- I've been trying to keep both hands clapped all over my mouth because really, the last thing you need is another know-it-all.

BUT, I'm gonna break!

I believe ... and with women, I especially-rilly-believe ... that these serious and tiring waltzes with un-ignorable health problems (failing thyroid, fibromyalgia, gall bladder pain ...) are someone's way of forcing you to look again, maybe even build again.

You have described so many powerful forces that have helped make you what you are. Sometimes maybe too powerful. Maybe in some cases they prevented you, partly, from being who you are. Heck, just being a woman and a mother is a treacherous road in this respect.

You've described some heavy and possibly damaging crutches to get through your day. Boatloads of caffeine, OTC stimulants. This definitely has hurt your health. But instead of blaming or recriminating, why not look at why you *needed* those things to JUST ... GET ... THROUGH? What is making your life such an uphill climb so you needed them to keep going? I think this is an important question.

Sometimes I feel life forces us to look much deeper than the doctor/pill complex or even surgery can fix. Health issues seem an effective way of getting people to self-focus, eventually even get a little radical, down in the dirt. Especially when they and their immediate circle tend to see them as "helpers," support acts, bedrocks for other peoples' lives.

If you feel this doctor/medication road is not leading you home, I would suggest falling face first in some of the bigger alternative health forums, like Curezone, which as it happens has a thyroid forum. Yes, some of the advice is wacky, crazy or self-promoting. But what communities like that get right is that they are full of people who couldn't get the answer from outside forces and had to find it some other way. Ground-up. Some are succeeding.

Anyway, lecture over, my apologies, and best hopes for your health.

These comments are blowing my mind. You've all given me so much to think about. Thank you all. xo

I was feeling like you. And then I Kate's entry that I've linked to in the bottom of this comment, and I remembered what believing in something was like. And I got all misty and my heart felt like it was going to beat out of my chest.

Sometimes I need to question things just so I can rediscover them and appreciate them like I once did. And sometimes I think I just needed to go through a period of doubt so I could finally come up with my own idea of God, and not be forced to believe in someone else's.

http://www.sweetsalty.com/sweetsalty/2008/2/29/one-in-43200-seconds.html

then I read Kate's entry*

God, you nailed it. This is why I feel bad for not taking Hailey to church...because wouldn't it be so wonderful to just KNOW and not have to constantly question and doubt? I'm so jealous of strong believers.

PS. Have you been checked for mono? When I had it they thought it was my thyroid and I had to practically beg to get tested for it, then "Ta-Da! You have mono." Bastards.

Honestly, I do appreciate the prayers, when people want to pray with/for/at me, but I think if they would fix me a sandwich or do the dishes that would help, too.

me too, wacky mommy!

I believe in God, not necessarily in organized religion.

I think I believe in God because, when I look around me and I see how F*up this world is. Where friends, siblings,Husbands, and even parents can dissapoint us, he remains the same. maybe is just an idea. I have had so many lows in my life, at times my faith was the only thing that kept me going.

hoping things keep getting better.

thinking of you.

i'm not a pray-er, but i'm a hope-er and believer. xoxo

Wow. And I thought writing about hating my dog would be controversial... ;)

I believe in God, and I think I have faith, but even trying to write why sounds stupid. We can talk about it ALL NIGHT LONG IN SAN FRANCISCO!!!

I'm soooo glad you're starting to feel better and really hope this continues.

Sometimes I think ya know, whatever gets you through the day. Faith is one of those whatevers.

Like sweetney above am hoping and believing that things can only get better. Okay, so maybe I'm praying to Howard Jones.

i saw your link over at neil's, came here via that.
there are some amazing comments here, i came here to drop you a quick note about my oldest daughter, she was diagnosed early (at 17) and it took about a year before they got her dose right, she hated always feeling tired, she gained about 20 pounds, had no energy for sports she loved, she was in grade 12 and could barely keep herself up until 10pm, needing naps as soon as she got in from school...fast forward almost seven years, her medication has been slightly adjusted twice and that little pill that she understands she needs to take forever, well, it's given her back her life. it's a very small price to pay to help you be who are you. it sounds like you're almost there. happy life day!

Hi,
I recently discovered your blog and have truly enjoyed, laughed, and shared in your circumstances. I myself have extenuating health circumstances that prevent my from having children - the one thing I desire more than anything.

I heard recently that having faith is like knocking on a friend's door. You don't know what they will bring to the door when they open it, you don't know how long it will take for them to come to the door, but because they're you're friend, you know they'll open the door for you. This helped me tremendously to understand, and to see faith from a different angle. Some days may be painful, the waiting is difficult, but I know eventually Jesus will answer my cries - maybe not in the way I would like, but somehow and in some way He will.

Thanks for sharing your blog with the world!
Blessings.

Just happened to come across your blog today. You should look into reading A Purpose Driven Life by Rick Warren. There is even a website - purposedrivenlife.com
He answers a lot of questions about God and I know people whose lives have been changed after reading his book.

Computer just ate my last comment. Dang.

This is a short version:

Your blog is lovely and honest. Thanks for writing it.

It's sweet that your dad still calls you "Mija."

God doesn't promise physical healing, financial wealth, or anything else in the material world. He promises, like Damsel said, spiritual reconciliation.

And yet the Bible tells us to pray hard for those other things. Strange!

Faith is hard, and we need each other. Thanks for keeping it real.

E. Peevie

For me, faith doesn't mean that I'll get what I want, when I want it. It doesn't mean that if I pray hard and long enough that God will heal everything in my life. For instance, we weren't able to conceive a baby naturally. However, I prayed for years and years, and finally he led me to a solution. He headed me in the right direction in HIS time. It wasn't when I'd initially hoped it'd happen, but it did happen when He wanted it to. If I were you, I'd start by simply praying to feel his presence in your life and to guide you in the right directions.

I struggle with my faith every day.

How could I not? There are days when it does seem like I am the one person God doesn't love. It only takes looking at an empty bed in my son's room to feel my faith slipping through my fingers.

But then I see my other children and I remember to try harder, have more faith.

It is a struggle. A seemingly endless one.

It is possible that I may have this. How did you know? Can you refer me to posts from the beginning of your suspisions? Thanks Y!

Thank you so much for this post, Y.

You definitely deserve your **Perfect Post Award** for this blog.

Religion can be such a delicate subject but you handled it w/your normal style and humor; I had to nominate you!

Thanks again,

S t e p h e r =)

I don't know how I found this site. I googling for "Beautiful Yvonne" (my wife's name) looking for Mother's Day gifts. This thread caught my attention as I myself have been healed while on the table where a atheist doctor was about to amputate my leg, but he "heard" from God, but at the same time my dad was in a wheelchair with MS with more faith than I've ever had and he was never healed. I don't have it figured out, but you asked how do you get the kind of faith your father has. Its not by going to church (not that it coudn't help foster faith). I believe it is by hearing the Word of God, which I believe is the Bible. Hebrews 11 says that faith is evidence of things not seen and that it comes by hearing the Word of God. Seems mystical to me, but it has been effective in my life. More Word, more faith. Less Word, less faith. This has been true regardless of whether I go to church or do other religious things.