Take care of yourself. Look at it this way, California is your home, but moving is an adventure. Adventures make life awesome. No matter where you go I bet there are people who read your blog, and would love to help you get settled. If you moved, you could probably own your own place. It was so hard for me to leave NY, but I did, and I'm glad.

Sometimes, God does seem busy, and I bet he is. I don't think that he really pays us much attention day to day. He has others to do that for him (for me, they are the saints, to other people angels, and others different gods and goddesses). But I DO believe that when you really need him, he takes that time to listen. I'm sure the big guy was there for you, listening to you all the way.

No matter if you only talk to him when you need stuff, or you ask him for petty things (help me find my lost keys!), or totally ignore him until the day you die, God'll always love you. It's one of those crazy things. And no matter how much you screw up, he'll still love you. That's the beauty in the system.

The Bible paints god as a very vengeful God. I'd like to think that either he was totally misunderstood, totally uninvolved, or has grown out of that phase. If one is infinitely powerful and all knowing, hate and anger is something that just doesn't fit into that. Maybe he gets sad when people forget about him, or do terrible things in his name, but I think he's pretty laid back.

Just remember that what you did, sit in the bathroom and just 'be' and have a conversation, that's what it is supposed to be like. Jesus wanted to take God out of the synagogues and bring him to the people so he was accessible to EVERYONE. No temple fees, no having an intermediary. Just a big red "Oh Shit" phone to god.

As someone who has been thru my share of serious life-altering health problems, let me suggest a kinda out-there idea for coping (besides writing, which is obviously good too): yoga.

I had never tried yoga when it was suggested to me but now I am a firm believer in it - both mentally and physically.

Just a suggestion.

this moved me very much.

"And that feeling of 'is this really all there is to life?' sometimes overwhelms me."

I completely know that feeling. It is so scary. Sometimes I wake up and just tell myself to get through the day because that's all there is to do. And yes, I do have a great life overall. That's the problem with anxiety and depression - they overwhelm you. All you can think about is what's bad - and that's f'd up.

On a brighter side, hey, if you have to move to OK, you'd be closer to TX where I live and you could teach me how to become a kick ass photographer like yourself. Does that sound creepy? I'm going to go with no, since you've made friends through the blogosphere as well. :)

Just know that what you achieved there, in your dark bathroom, is what people pay 100.00/month to achieve in Yoga/Deep Meditation classes. So well done to you. I've yet to experience the non-crying-crying, but I feel like I know what you mean. Cathartic and necessesary.

I wish you much happiness....or to be slightly more down-to-earth and realistic, I wish you less crap in the future....at least less to maneuver through in your quest for finding what you believe in.

xo

What you did in the bathroom is what I do sometimes in the closet (it's a walk-in, so good and dark and roomy). It does feel good to do that sometimes, very releasing. As for Oklahoma, don't knock it until you try it. I moved here from Houston, and love it. Lower cost of living, decent weather (except for tornados), friendly people.

I think is a sign of strength, not weakness that you are able to look outside yourself for help. Of course, when it comes down to it, it is your attitude that will help your through things. Like your first commenter said, life is an adventure. You never know where it is going to send you? Maybe Oklahoma would even be good for you and your family? Focus on what is positive, like your beautiful family, and your sense of humor.

I still read. And, while I personally am not religious, I'm happy that you have found a source of strength and faith. I miss your usual posts but I still read the ones that are full of hurt and pain and depression because it's part of you and I think you're awesome.

Well, you might have lost thousands of readers, but I started reading your blog only a few months ago, and I find your writing very compelling.

Have you read Eat, Pray, Love? You blog post seems like a scene out of the book. Some people hat the book, but it helped me get out of a very dark time.

"I say I believe in God, but I've lived my life as if he doesn't exist."

I am a new reader to your blog and just wanted to say how much the above phrase really hits me right now. I am a Christian, I attend church almost weekly, have a small group I belong to, etc. However, I go through a lot of days not even acknowledging him. I guess you could say some days I am one of those people looking for God to bail me out. This post has really helped me open my eyes.

I pray that you find your footing again and are able to get back to writing the way you love. Don't worry about the readers, this is for you!

I've had my periods where I life my life as if God doesn't exist, but I always find my way back.

I try to go to church on a more regular basis these days but I find that most of my conversations with God don't revolve around asking for help...they're me giving thanks for all the blessings in my life. If I can't take time to thank him for all the good things, what makes me think I deserve his help when the bad things happen?

Oh and don't worry about your readership. With all the feed readers available to people these days, a lot of your readers probably never even click on the site unless they're commenting. So you probably have more readers than you think.

I'm sorry that things are so tough on you right now. I truly hope they start to pick up soon, wherever that road might take you. Thank you for sharing your life with us, even the not-so-pretty parts of it. You'll always have at least one reader.
And thank you for sharing your story about your moment with God.

Hey, I'm still here too. And you know, you are going through scary stuff and lots of people don't like scary stuff. So they will back off, it's not surprising. That doesn't mean that you can't write!

I too, was raised in church, but felt disconnected from God. Even though I resented it and wasn't allowed to do anything because " I had to set an example" , I wholeheartedly am thankful today. What helped me tremendously was a Christian friend suggesting that I should let God know I was mad at him for "allowing " hurts in my life (why didn't he stop my father, who was the pastor, from molesting me?).
The funny thing, I believe, is God already knew that I held that against him, so why not tell him. I raged and he comforted. Being close to God dosen't mean bad things won't happen -we are not supposed to love this earth- but oh the peace when we are held. Everything we go through leaves us stronger to help someone else go through it.

"Deep down in my soul there is a void that no amount of money, food, alcohol or hits on a sitemeter could ever fill."

Hey, I just wrote about that same thing (albeit less eloquently).

Your spiritual maturity is stunning. Keep seeking. Also, I read my way from lifelong atheism to faith a few years ago (and am still reading), so if you're ever looking for a book recommendation feel free to email me.

Have a nice weekend!

I'm a relatively new lurker. I don't mind the "down in the dumps" blogs, because they are real. This one is wholly real. Thank you for sharing yourself. I think we all learn from each other, not just "entertained" by bloggers.

(Side note: if you haven't read Eat Pray Love, give it a shot)

I just love you. And your writing. And your honesty. And I'm still reading too. Peace to you.
xoxo
annie

You have opened your heart and let us experience with you this beautiful thing. I can imagine how vulnerable it may make you feel, to critisism and attacks from those who do not share the same desire. I wanted to personally thank you for putting all of that aside and sharing it with us anyway. It is exciting for me, as someone who has grown to love your writing (since day one, duh) to watch you on this quest. It is satisfying to see you finding what you are looking for. You know, the fact that we turn to God when we are in need or when we are desperate, is kind of the point. He came for those IN need. I have to remember, He made us, He knows. The desire you have to find Him, I think His desire to be found BY you is even greater still. As hard to imagine as it is, He loves us more than we could ever know. I think, He knows what circumstances will lead you in the direction of Him. For this, I believe he allows us to go through hard times so we will look for Him. He can use those hard times to reach us, teach us, grow us...and ultimately show Himself to us. He's the engineer, so when we turn to him in our time of need I am super sure it is not a surprise to him. After all, if we had no need...what might ever lead us to him? Why would we look? He knows.

I do love reading your words and selfishly hope you will continue this blog...but in the meantime, you're probably kinda busy. I think we can understand that and the readers who really matter will come back.

Besides, your photography kicks butt. I wish you all the best, in health, life and just everything.

Continue to inhale.... exhale.... Steal time for those moments alone.... just to inhale....exhale. Meanwhile, continue to write. It's a gift to all of us that lurk.... It's a greater gift to you, the giver.

Dear heart, try to look at it like this: California is what you are accustomed to. Your home is where your husband and children are.

Home is also where the heart is, but doesn't your heart want to be with those you love best? Right now, your California home is where your heart is, but you'll find out that wherever your loved ones are, THAT is truly home.

You can also be HOME, and still miss the home you left behind. That's because when we live in a house with those we love, we make that house into a home, and a little piece of our hearts will always be where we've lived with those we love.

As for the people who stopped reading your blog? Screw them. You're finding out who your true blogfriends are. Count me in, by the way.

I'm here. And I love you.

I am all about some God-talking in SF (Five weeks! Woo!)

Your church had it messed up. I have some sweet books that put God into a great perspective if you are interested...

I was going to say what DISCO said. Eat Pray Love is a fabulous book. She has a super sense of humor (as do you!) and has been through some shit. (as have you!)... Certainly books can't fix, but they can go a long way in helping get your perspective back.

Hang in there Y!

:-)

I'm still here, but I don't check every day because I can't take the letdown of not being able to read something new from you. You are still the absolute top of my blog lists, I just try not to obsessively check on you! I was just telling a friend of mine over the weekend that I have never been and will never be a person who thinks life is a great thing. It just simply...Is. It's there. I get through it. I think there are a lot of people like us. So you aren't alone - is my whole point. Still here...Still wishing you the best...Still loving you and yours.

That is a lot to handle all at once. I hope you find some peace. That things turn around soon.

I didn't comment on your faith post, mainly because I didn't know what to say. I'm still figuring it out myself. But one thing I DO know is that God is. I loved reading that you talked with Him about yourself and where you're at. Think of how wonderful that must have made Him feel. For me, one of my main problems is sometimes I don't stop talking long enough to listen... to let Him be part of the conversation.

I think just talking to God the same way you would talk to anyone you love and need to hear from is exactly what He wants. Nothing lunatic about it.

I think we all feel at some time or another like that, like is this all my life is and going to be. You do have a lot of things to be thankful for (kids, family, etc.) but I can understand how you could still have those feelings. Sometimes it just seems like you live and then you die and the time in between gets lost. Hope you are feeling better about things real soon.

I may be one of the reasons why your stats have gone down, and I just wanted to say that it is not in the least bit because I've lost interest. Your writing is just as good and as interesting as it's always been. I used to check every day, sometimes multiple times a day, because I knew there would probably be a post by the end of the day. Now I check a couple of times a week because that seems to match the rate at which you're posting lately. I'm sure that lowers your stats, but it doesn't actually say anything about how much I enjoy your writing.

Ah! See? A simple moment with God. It is beautiful and comforting and sometimes quite necessary.

Bless you today, my friend!

I'm really glad you're still writing.

Have you read "Blue Like Jazz" by Donald Miller? I am not a religious person, but reading that book brought me the most profound sense of peace I have ever felt; I would highly recommend it. It talks about Jesus' work and trying to bring his original messages into your life, like kindness toward others. I'm not saying you need those things, but I just wanted to offer you something that helped me find a bit of peace.

Peace be with you!

I've been coming here daily for the past year because I love how honest and true you always are. So one devoted reader equals at least 100 fairweather ones, right?

I'm still here, like many others. I'm not going anywhere. I too feel you are so brave and eloquent as you share these very personal thoughts and insights. You are amazing.

Re. Moving: Yes, change is scary. I live on the opposite coast of where I grew up and lived for 30 years. Sometimes it sucks (family crises) but I am blessed in life. I can't imagine it any other way, yet had you asked me if our lives would take this turn 7 years ago, I would have said HELLS NO.

Re. God and your seeking. I believe in God. I believe that a relationship with God is a very personal thing that can look many different ways. I have not found (or, for that matter, actively seeked) a church here, even after 3 years, and I must confess I am not very spiritual in this point in my life. There was a time when I prayed every morning and not just in the "please God fill in the blank" mode, but also in thanks.

One thing that is a constant belief of mine is that everything happens for a reason, whether God is behind it or not. Maybe down the road you may realize that this journey you are on has helped one of your many readers come to some sort of realization. You have helped me personally gain insight into many topics and made me laugh more times than I can count. And (this is going to sound weird but...) you are like a Latina twin of my mom. Really!

Hang in there, Y. Hold tight to your family and the small moments that remind us why it's amazing to be alive.

I'm another guilty for your numbers, for the same reason as the others, I am a faithful reader, just not as often. Home will always be wherever those you love are. My husband and I moved from Lake Arrowhead to San Diego 18 years ago, just us and our daughter, no extended family, it was a huge change but we are OUR HOME and we LOVE it!!

Thank you for sharing- Talking to God and just knowing He is there for you is the best reassurance we have in this world. He knows our hearts better than we do and is always there for us, even on the bathroom floor.

Hey Y
I just wanted to say sorry about the readers drop.. I still come when I have time, this new college stuff is just to time consuming (:

Also, thanks for sharing your 'moment with God'
It's a comforting feeling sometimes isn't it?

In my thoughts- Hilary

I think you might enjoy this blog. RLP writes about faith and life in a way quite unique on the net.

http://www.reallivepreacher.com/

I'm still reading. Thanks for sharing. I've been "living my life as though he didn't exist" also, and I don't like it. That void inside is frightening. But I've never really understood churches, and traditional prayer isn't really working for me either. Maybe I'll try what worked for you.

THIS was amazing. It was truly heart-felt and moving. You may feel that you are living in the depths, but by communicating to others your struggle you are shining light. Thank you for reminding me that there is a better way to pray and be with God. I don't think he's always looking for the traditional "Dear God, yadda yadda yadda, Amen." The way you experienced it takes more time and effort to truly be still. That is something I so often forget and am often not willing to sacrifice.

Keep writing. I'm still reading.

Wow. Just wow. And, for what it's worth, I'm still here. And that void that nothing can fill? I used to feel it too. I don't anymore. How can I explain it to you?? I was raised in a Christian/religious home like you. As a young adult, I resented that. I hated the church "rules". I turned my back on all of it - for 21 years. Then, my dad died suddenly, and my mother was sick with diabetes/failing kidneys, and I moved her in with me and my family. And, I started "moving back" towards God - slow, little baby steps, and I wasn't even doing it for myself, it was part of my care-giving to my mother. Over time, it felt like God was almost "wooing" me (as corny as that sounds). My Mom is gone now. But, my faith is stronger and still growing. And you're right - it's not church and it's not religion.....it's something much more, although I did find a really good (small) church and am active in it. But, it goes far beyond that. I wish for you the same kind of wonderful journey......

The world is full of Gods.

still here...

i loved this post, as i love all of your posts. Just hang in. You can always move to Portland, where we don't have a ton of jobs, or sunshine, but there are loads of bloggers. And the flowers are pretty.

There are some new readers out here too. Been reading for about a month.

omg, i feel so bad cause of my firewall at work...i still love you even though i don't make it over as much!

I'll be here whenever you are.

thinking of you and hoping it gets better soon.

I still check for you everyday. You have made me laugh out loud so many times that I look forward to your new posts. And I just as equally look forward to the somber ones as well. It is sometimes nice to know I'm not alone.
I don't have the health issues that you have, but I stay in a panic everyday because I quit my job with benefits last year to stay home with my school age children. What seemed doable last year has turned horrible this year. My husband's job fell off drastically at Christmastime and we havn't caught back up yet. I can't seem to find a decent job now that I have to go back to work. I worry each month that we won't make the house payment and I can't talk to my husband about it because he is working so hard and bringing in so little. We both feel guilty, yet I don't really think either of us is to blame. It was the right decision for me to quit and he certainly couldn't help the change in the economy.
So while dispair seem our only option, I'll share with you what my sister shared with me recently:
Everything comes in seasons, some longer than others and certainly some harder than others. This is our season to struggle and someday will be our time to relax. It is how we handle ourselves during this season that is the true picture of our character.
So keep posting, keep breathing, keep praying and together we can get through this "season".

i wish i had something to say that was really powerful and helpful and unique. but all the wonderful people ahead of me in the comments line are doing such a good job, that instead i'll just tell you that this entry, like so, so much of what you write, was incredibly, profoundly moving to me, and i have so much sympathy (NOT empathy).

i am agnostic, so i can't speak to the god issue. but i can sense through your writing that you have within you everything you need to push through all the bullshit. you have so much strength and grace and goodness.

(on a side note: i don't know if your hits track people who feed your blog, but i've been subscribed through bloglines for ages, and i've no plans to take you off now. :))

That sitting quietly is good medicine. Keep it up. Hug.

Y,
Move to Texas! Houston, in particular. No, it's not as pretty as California, by a long shot and it gets pretty darn hot in the summer (actually it's hot from April thru October!), but we have jobs like crazy around here and yall will be more than welcome. Think about it.

Man, I'm glad I wasn't one of those who un-bookmarked you.

This is the best description of a person's relationship to God that I've ever read. And I read so much, I'm interested in everybody.

Holy shit, this entry is so freakin' good. You kill me, sometimes. I think I've commented maybe three times, in as many years. Really, you are so good at getting to the heart of it all.

I'm a dork who still checks every day just because I don't have a life (well I do but the internet seems like the healthiest of my options to escape).

The fact that you're still writing and working your way through all "this" says a lot about you. I really admire you.

I don't check your site every day, but have to say your blog is the most meaningful one that I read. I've laughed and I've cried along with you, and, I'm sure, with many of your readers, too. I can relate to so much of what you write, even though my life experience has been different than yours. I really admire you for your courage, and your willingness to share yourself with all of us. And of course, I would never miss an opportunity to hear that family diva belting out a tune!

Isn't it funny how women find God so differently then our father's do?

Honestly? I can't believe people aren't coming around as much as they used to. You are still writing so well, and with such honestly and openness that it shocks me that anyone would blow it off.

I know what you mean about searching and seeking. I've been doing it for 20 years, on and off, and am reaching the point where I feel like I have to give my kids something. But I have no idea what I truly believe, because I absolutely don't trust organized religion anymore, so that makes it hard to steer your kids.

Yargh.
(Hair pictures?)

still here, still holding on to you, still wishing you everything good in life.

I have no intentions to stop reading. I miss your more frequent posts, but I respect where you are at right now. I'm grateful you are opening up to your readers and sharing your journey with us. I am glad you are talking to God.
I hope you don't have to move...we moved from CA to TX and it was VERY.HARD. But two years later I am able to see the ways in which it was/is a blessing. But not being able to hug my mama every day...seeing my dad only once a year....HARD.

You're LOSING readers? Dude, I am more hooked on you than chocolate.

I check your site every day and read the updates. I so understand what you write- while I am not suffering any health problems( as far as I know)- other than gaining back the 30 lbs I lost- I can relate to what you write so much. I get you on the religion thing and have wondered the same thing so many times. Oh, and Oklahoma- I lived there for for 11 years. Loved it there! Housing is very affordable, friendliest people on earth! Other than the tornadoes its awesome!

It's a journey Y. A journey with ups and downs and twists and turns. I believe there is a master plan unique for each of us. You will find your way. I am sure of it.

A quick glance at the comments affirms you are doing something right. Keep the stiff upper lip and all that.

Cheers!

Trev

i'm still here and reading though i don't comment much. i'm one of the few that check everyday because i feel like a rss reader will give me less things to do at work.

i'm glad you are writing about what you're writing. i feel like crying with you when you have your low moments and celebrating when you have your high ones as well. and your kids both melt my heart and crack my butt up. thank you so much for sharing your life with us.

i'm gla [actually i'm excited] you are seeking a relationship with God. there is more to praying than just asking God to do things for you. sometimes what you need is just a little fellowship which is what i believe you experienced. i hope you continue your search and that you are able to reconnect on a deeper and significant level than before.

i'm still here, chica.

obtw, the good news is OK is where Susan is. and there's nothing wrong with being close to that much fabulousness.

i hear you when it comes to the faith issues, and the searching. if you ever want to talk, darlin', let me know. i tink we have a lot in common in that area.

I still come here now and then. That song I made for you several years is still makes me laugh when I listen to it. Don't stop blogging! I did for almost two years before I got into the groove again, I barely get five people in a day now. Not the end of anything, life always matters first!!

Sometimes the true crossroads in our lives are little things.

We may think it's when we decide to get married, or have kids, or graduate from college.

But often the crossroads are when we go through exactly what you're going through--questioning the meaning of life.

That's when the real change happens, because it happens on the inside and affects everything else we do.

So don't shy away from it. Just talk to God, like you would to a friend, and see what changes. You may find that this is the beginning of a beautiful road for you--even if it does lead you to Oklahoma!

Visit To Love, Honor and Vacuum today!

If you guys DO move, and you end up moving to OHIO because Oklahoma isn't the be-all and end-all in jobhunting, WE COULD HANG OUT. How cool would that be? Since you probably think I'm weird for saying this at all anyway, I'll go a step farther: IT WOULD BE SO COOL.

I still read. I like your honesty, and I'm not a fair-weather internet friend. You are cool, come rain or shine or snow or sleet. Life's hard right now, but you do have a lot of things going for you. Including a loyal readership. The ones of us who stuck around are the ones who really care, and just by scrolling up from my comment to the tons of others you can see how many people really care about YOU for being YOU.

You still have many, many readers who care about you and are not fickle enough to move on when things get tough. Keep writing. We'll keep reading.

i am very very moved.
my goodness you are a wonderful, honest, real, precious woman.

loving you (in a totally appropriate stranger on the internet kinda way) and praying that God blesses you so much that his surrounding arms of love are undenyable and unfathomable.

I don't comment much, but I don't think I am a Lurker either. I read and will always read because you don't sugar coat. Your real and honest. I think people with that gift are truly special.

Your have good vibes coming your way from Central Oregon (mini California).

Y, I'm glad you were finally able to have a conversation with *your* God. I've got you in my reader AND bookmarked, so have no fear - I will be reading, even if all you post is one gigantic pfffffffffraaaaaaaaata.

What a beautiful, comforting experience. Thank you for sharing.

i wish i had 1,000 readers to lose...

ha.

seriously though, people who aren't reading you anymore are missing the good stuff. like this. beautiful post, Y. Beautiful.

praying for you, inspired by you, wishing you peace!

Amy

That's what I've learned in the last two year or so....amidst all the people saying "Just pray for KayTar's heeeeeeaaaaaling..." I've learned that I don't want or need Him to be my genie...I just want to know He is there.

I come by when I can, have for a few years.
I have always loved your writing because you always write from your heart and soul, not for hits -not for money (though that WOULD be okay!). You are you. God loves you - I know because he loves me, and that ain't no easy thing ;-)

I just lie (lay?) awake some nights KNOWING that only in and through HIM does life make sense - apart from him it is whacked, weird and worthless (heh - that's www :P) I have tried on and off to make it without HIM but just end up miserable and making others the same...

I never make sense in comments or on answering machines. Just know - I love you and your writing and photography!

I have nothing to offer with respect to your struggles with faith. But I can identify closely with the other struggles in life.

I'm cheering you on (and still reading).

Y...I think you've started the most important journey of your life. Being still and knowing that He is. Pretty powerful first steps toward filling the emptiness in your soul.

BTW...if you move to the midwest, plan your route through Kansas City. I'd love to meet you.

I think it takes a concerted effort not to get too caught up in exactly how many readers you have, how many hits, etc. Writing is therapeutic and writing honestly will not always connect with everyone. I love what you do and I'm glad I met you! Keep blogging and know that we all feel sadness - even gorgeous, talented, hilarious people like me!

Why wouldn't I keep coming back? I've been reading your blog almost every day for over a year, ever since I stumbled across it by accident. Even though you've been posting less lately, with everything that's been going on, your honesty and your amazing sense of humour are still a bright spot in my day, every time there's a new post. I'm just a lurker, and I'll probably never meet you in person, but just from what you share with us, your eager audience of readers, I love the way you parent your kids, face all the huge challenges that have been thrown at you with absolute unwillingness to curl up in a ball and give up - and have the sheer guts to let us see so much of it. You're a huge inspiration to me. Thanks...

If you end up having to move to Oklahoma, I swear I'll drive up from Texas to greet you with a basket of mojitos and bean dip!

I'm been reading you for quite awhile now (I think the first post I read was when someone at the store realized that you were "Y from the internet"), and I have no intentions of stopping. Whether happy or sad, everything you write is beautiful.

Hey, I've read your blog for a long time now (and I know Iam personally responsible for at least a couple of other readers) and I will never leave you. And I don't mean that in a freaky way. I've just been out of town for a week, so that'at why the hits are down, 'cause I usually check several times a day since I am too lazy and computer illiterate to sign up for one of those thingys that tells you when there is a new post.

I grew up in Oklahoma, it's not all bad. I live in Texas now, but I do visit my mom in Oklahoma occasionally. If you really end up moving there let me know. I'd be happy to give you any inside knowledge I might possess. I can tell you this... You will love the drop in the cost of living there compared to CA. I'm sure you could buy a house there. The people are nice. It's the heart of the Bible belt, but you know how to talk that language so you would be okay. I'm proud of my Okie heritage.

I've been blurking for at least the last year. I check in daily. After a brief scan of the comments so far, I have this to say:
Yes, you do still rock and have much to say worth reading to (and seeing - incredible pictures)
I've been a supporter of RealLivePreacher for a while. His site is a great place to go to read of other reluctant/hopeful believers. Those of us who deep down believe there's More in spite of the churches, religion and religious.
I went to high school (Ojai) and college (Davis) in Cal. I loved it but am now in Houston. If you have to move, as long as you'removing with that healthy, happy family, anywhere you go will be home. Believe me.
Take care.

i still love to read your blog!! what i love most about you is your honesty and your sense of humor.
take care!

Delurking to say: You haven't lost me. And I'm saying a prayer for you. Hugs.

Still here :) I read everything in my feed reader and don't always click over.

Y, that was the most beautiful thing you have ever written.

Sometimes Bossy thinks that a "higher purpose" in life is just being content with the middling purposes.

Since you have been having health problems, and they involve your thyroid like me, I have felt kind of like you are a friend. Strange? Very...since we have never met. Nobody can be funny all of the time, and I think your readers appreciate your many thoughts, darker too. I think having health problems can make people question their faith, and your faith sounds like mine. Not necessarily a "religious" faith, but more spiritual. God is there, but not in a vindictive way like a lot of religions portray him to be.

I Love your blog :-)

I haven't given up on your blog - I always check in every day or two.

This post was really moving - as always, I am impressed with your honesty.

Take care.

I've been reading for years, and will continue to do so. Here's a great big hug all the way from Texas...

I love reading your blog :)
As for the faith issue - I know where you're coming from. To be honest, sometimes I feel further away from God when I go to church and am around people who feel that prayer and talking to God and believing in God has to be done a specific way.
I'm not going to be super religious here (because I'm not super religious), but when I was little we used to sing a song at church and the words were "be still and know that I am God." Those are very true words. Just be, and you'll find what you're looking for.

I'm still here. You are on my daily "check to see if she has a new post" list. I will read whatever you write, whenever you write it, from whatever location.

I have been having my own health issues and relocation issues in the past year. I will listen if you want to vent in my direction.

One thing I know for sure is that there is much more to this life than what we see. I know God is real and that he really cares.

Another thing I know for sure is that you have a great blog, and great writing and photography talent!

After all these years, I still read you... think about you and your family... hope you are doing well...

I wait for you on Bloglines, and get a smile whenever you post.

And hey - knowing the presence of god is way more valuable than 1000 readers!!

Y, you are amazing and your blog makes my day. You've made me laugh out loud, cry to my computer, and feel so glad to realize I am not the only way who feels the way I do or do some crazy things. Life has it's ups and downs, your honesty is so nice. I love you, no seriously, I do!

I've been reading you for years and I'll continue reading your posts no matter how few or far between they come. You're one of the funniest people I "know" and you write truthfully, openly and honestly which I love.

I've found myself wishing a lot lately that I could believe in God like I did when I was a kid even though I was terrified of Him due to my dads "vengeful God" teachings. Even though God scared me I also remember thinking that He always listened when I talked and didn't feel so alone.

I'm thinking about moving soon. Selling everything I own, buying a car and a suitcase, packing my important must keep kinda stuff and just driving. To where I don't know.

I have been reading non-stop since you found out you were pregnant with G. I hardly ever comment, I admit that I'm more of a lurker. I have always loved you because you are REAL. More real than people that I encounter in the flesh day to day and I only read your words on this screen. I wish that I were closer in proximity to be able to give you a big hug 'cause I am a hugger. And girlfriend, your readers who LOVE you will continue to read you and love you no matter where your writing takes us.

Your post moved me to tears. I have also been going through hard times - the last 6 months have undoubtedly been the hardest of my life. I find myself in tears often. I only became a Christian a year ago, but my faith has helped me in some way through these hard times. The number one thing I've learned is that you can believe however you want, pray however you pray, love how you love. Everyone's faith is a little different, but no less real.

Is it weird that I think your writing is better now than it was a year ago? It most certainly is.

Hi Y, this is my first comment but I've been reading you for years. Found you through Melly when her boy was a baby (does she still have a blog?!) and have followed you from your old site to here. Like someone above said, I read you and enjoy you because you're REAL. And pretty damn funny, too. ;-)

No assvice here, but since you said the actual words in your post, I thought I'd mention a book to you, called Conversations with God. Nothing churchy or boring in it, I wouldn't love it if it were, its just a fascinating book that changed my life years ago during a depression. I've come back to it many times in the years since when I'm struggling and it always helps. ;-)

I'm glad you continue to blog whether things are good or bad, you always make for an interesting read and I'm always hoping the best for you!

I can't remember who's blog I was reading and you were on their blog roll but I do know that after reading your archives I put you in my google reader that day.

Your background with your family and religion is very similar to mine and your writing was/is so honest. You wrote things that I have thought in the past but would have never said out loud, too afraid of the 'Lightining Bolt' I guess. Because of background with church and my parents teachings I took for granted God and his ability to be there for me. There were so many times when I was growing up, and even in my 20's, when I wished I just never knew about God so I would be free to form my own beliefs and basically just live my life for me.

Yet at the same time I was the person that would show up in church when things in my life went all to hell. Suddenly, I would be asking my mom to pray for me and I would even say a pray-or a bargaining pitch-to take away the problem or issue that I was ultimately responsible for. When the problem passed I would no longer be at church or asking for prayer or even acknowledging there was a God.

Those times have changed and I am so thankful. But I still have some pretty wierd ideas about religion and guilt. I think it is because Grace was never stressed growing up just judgement and the breaking of will. Oh yea, I heard about Grace but did I ever see it in practice? I don't think so.

I am so glad that you write down your experiences and your thoughts. This post was heartfelt and so honest your bravery with putting it all out there is why I read and during free time I go back and read your archives.

About Oklahoma, I live in Tulsa and I am from California. We moved from Placentia in 1980 because work was not abundant. I moved to Redondo Beach in the 90's and have returned back to Oklahoma to raise my daughter near my parents. It is not that bad. No Trader Joes and hte weather sucks but I don't sit in traffic for an hour and a half everyday just to go 37 miles.

Keep it up, I will be reading, and your peace will come....in time.

Kim

(I was given so many books over the years by well intentioned people praying for my soul but the only one I read that I would recommend is "As Silver Refined" by Kay Arthur)

Thanks for sharing and for being so honest. You are not the only one out there feeling lonely and empty inside. Many of us (me) go through the same thing. Please keep your head up and dont ever give up on yourself.
Keep talking to God and he will fill your sould with happiness. God is good. I also grew up in a church and now I dont even go to one, but I know that God is with me and I can feel him in time of need. He has mercy upon us. He knows us from deep in our hearts.
It will all be alright pretty soon.
Love you.

I've been reading for a while but I don't believe I've ever commented. Thank you for such a beautiful and honest post.

Your post moved me. God is amazing and loves you and is there all the time. And to feel God is so overwhelming at times that the tears just fall.

I've sat on the floor and had that "conversation" too. I like your blog more now than ever.

I am thrilled for you that you have been able to open yourself up like that. :)

I still love your blog!

there is more to life than existing and dying. I know that for a fact. take the time to listen, and listen really hard. it might take unplugging for a week or two. no noise; just listening.

I love you.
xoxo
steph

I hope you find the peace you're looking for.
I found peace thru my practice of yoga. It's my way letting go. Maybe you could try it?

Oklahoma wouldn't be so bad. Maybe you'd end up as Pioneer Womans neighbor.

namaste

I think you've done a world of good with this post.

(((HUGS))) to you.

I hope the Lord will help you find some peace.

Yvonne,
Just FYI,I have been reading your blog for oh, 5 years now.

Whatever you choose to believe, go for it.

I love you and want to know how you're doing be it good, bad or in between!

Still reading. Keep writing.

I would possibly give up one of my children for a thousand readers of my blog. Depending on the day.

I love you because of posts like this. HONEST posts.

I wish I could box up some happiness and send it to you in California (or Oklahoma...WHEREVER).

I have been reading your blog for sometime. I will admit I have not been around as much lately not because of my lack of interest in your life and postings but because I myself have been in a dark, awful place and really have had a lack of ambition to do anything. I don't comment much on your site but when something moves me and I feel deeply enough about something to de-lurk I do. Let me just say this and please take this to heart and listen to what say and please know that I say it with all sincerity . I much like yourself was put in a position where we thought we didn't have much of a choice but to move due to the economy and the fact that I was in real estate and we lived in Florida. We took that leap, after years of fighting my husband and refusing to leave the only place I had ever know we packed what we could (economy sucks, no money for moving couldn't even afford a uhaul.....ya that bad) headed to North Carolina. At first it was exciting, new and an adventure then the newness began to wear off, the excitement was no longer there and the loneliness and isolation began to set in. I uprooted my family for what I thought was going to be a better situation and I was wrong. Now I am 700 miles from home, just as broke as I was in Florida and haven't seen my family (whom I have never lived more than an hour away from in my life) in almost 8 months. Y the economy is not going to be better somewhere else trust me when I say this it's bad everywhere. We have been in NC for almost 8 months and my husband found out today that he is going to be laid off again for the 2nd time since we moved here. I can not tell anyone how to live their life and what would be best for them all I can do is offer my opinion and maybe that will give you some insight. I hope my strange ramblings have not come across weird or anything I really did want to give you a real idea of what it might be like. I wish someone would have told me the truth before I moved and not sold me a damn dream. I am sure whatever you chose to do will work out for the best, we all have to do what we have to do for our families.

it moved me very much but keep up some blogs havent got even 1000 readers

*I * care what you have to say and frankly? That's all that should matter. I kid, I kid. I'm sorry...it's hard sometimes to be serious in such a public forum but honestly, I'm feelin ya. I really am. Are you going to Blogher? I really want to sit down and talk to you.

Ask, seek and you'll find. God Himself says so. (Matthew 7 :))

I haven't read in a long time. I was just checking in to see what you were up to. I'm glad to see that you were listening to God! Once you accepted God in your life, He never leaves us...He just sometimes waits for us to open our hearts back up. Keep talking, He is always listening!

I'm just one of your thousands of readers, but I'm still reading. Sometimes I don't click through to your blog because I don't have anything to say, I just read in the feed reader.

I have a funny relationship with God, too. I guess everyone does. I don't subscribe to the "traditional" teachings so much.

Hang in there, girl. Breathe in, breathe out. You know the rest.

I'm here and so is Susan. Two wonderful reasons to move here. We're pretty wonderful. That's all I can say about Oklahoma.

Those fair weather readers, we don't need 'emmm.
The loyal ones will stick around no matter what.
Maybe God it testing your faith, I dunno, but I do beleive that he works in mysterious ways.
You can't go wrong by turinng your problems over to him....

I realize I don't comment that often, but I have followed your blog faithfully over the past year or so. In the last 7 months, my life has gone to shit, and it's reassuring to see that other people struggle as well. Also, I've depended so much on people who've stuck by me even when I do nothing but bitch, and I just want to do that for another person. I realize this sounds incredibly selfish, but I promise, I started to read you and will continue to read you due to your sense of humor, outlook on life and complete and utter honesty.

The book of Romans tells us:
"In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. "

Even when we don't know what to pray for or how to pray, in just sitting and communing with God He hears our hearts. Keep reaching for Him--He truly loves each one of us and just wants us to love HIm in return.

I'm not into the woo-woo-stuff - but the bathroom floor is as close as it gets to ZEN. : )

Oklahoma isn't so bad. I have lived here all my life and I am 34 years old. Anything you want to know, just ask me.....

((((Y))))

I am wish you much peace and health.

I'm a lapsed Catholic now, but church was my safety zone, my peace and my refuge throughout my youth.

Hang in there. The east coast is a cool place to live.

chickie, it's hard- anybody who says otherwise is clueless. but- it's so WORTH it. i've been there, somtimes i have to find my way back there, but that point is where the good things happen. blessings

This lovely post is now an editor's pick on Kirtsy. "Joy" readers, visit this link and click on the story title to help it go further.

http://www.kirtsy.com/story.php?title=Seeking_Faith

Kyran
Mind, Body, Spirit Editor

I'm not going to take the time to read the other comments since I'm at work and, well, I should be working.

It was eerie the way you described that bathroom scene because I had one similar last August (yes, I remember the month). The only difference was I had Landslide (Stevie, not Dixie) on repeat on the ipod. Now if that song doesn't make you cry, I don't know what will.

I prayed in a similar way, not really "for" anything like you said...

I was going to go further with this but I'll stop. Two things, though, I really hope you don't have to move to OK. But if you do, I trust that you will make the best of it and for your family. It's the only thing we can do, right?

And second, blog reading seems to have taken a nose dive for a lot of people. It's just not the same anymore so it's not you!

Take care, you're a rock star for that 40 pancake business.

You are beautiful.

That is all.

I sometimes feel that way too, that there must be more to life than this. I think it's great that you are reaching out spiritually... you will find what you need there. Your post was beautiful Y.

Y, I'm so sorry that things have continued to be so hard. I'm glad, however, that you have found some space where you feel comfortable with your faith. I hope it continues to be a blessing to you.

I'm sending my prayers and blessings to you. You have a wonderful blog..and I shall return over and over. And now you feel God.. and there is nothing more important then feeling his strength and light within you... I know because in my darkest times..it's what I ask for. I'm going to ask all my readers to come over to your site...
Blessings..

Dorothy from grammology
remember to call your gram
grammology.com

Oh, my heart goes out to you! That was probably your first real prayer ever. God is a real person, just not in human body form. He doesn't want to be treated with formulas/religion any more than we do. He didn't invent religion - man did. He wants relationship with you, with me, with the ones He has created - that's different than religion. Keep pouring your heart out to Him. Psalm 62:8 says "pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge." He passionately loves you! Jeremiah 31:3 says that He loves you with an everlasting love and is drawing you with loving-kindness. He can handle you!

So, I'm way late on commenting on this post... But, it's been on my heart. And then I read this. http://audreycaroline.blogspot.com/2008/06/emmaus_22.html and immediately thought of your Seeking post. It's what I would have liked to have written. If I had the words.

You are still on my blogroll :-) I haven't been reading blogs much this spring (I've been trying to catch up for the last two hours) because life has knocked me sideways. I haven't written much about it because I discovered that my IRL friends and coworkers read my blog. (Do they leave comments? No!)
Which sorta stifled me.

You've described perfectly what I've been doing----weeping silently. I know that God is very near, holding me, knowing me. I just feel like I'm walking through deep water. Hang on, you are not alone.

Y--I have been reading your blog since I discovered it in October of 2005. New readers will come and go, I've experienced it myself with my own blog, but those of us who have taken the time to know you will stick with you. You would rather have quality "friends" over quantity friends...right? Ok so that might be bullshit, but still, it sounds good.

Regardless if you read my blog or not, email me or not, follow me on Twitter or not--I still read your blog and care about what is going on in your life.

xx
Shannon

I've been reading you since I first started blogging 4 years ago. I have evolved so much since then, and so have you, and it's amazing to look back on this journey. I really believe that everything happens for a reason, and I know that even down to this post, that time in the bathroom, these feelings, all of this is shaping you.

I don't believe in "religion" either, but about following God and growing closer to Him. I think in the bathroom you were with Him. It doesn't sound crazy to me at all.

I hope you never stop sharing and being so honest, and I hope you find some peace in doing so. You rock and your videos make me smile. :)

(ToThink on Twitter)

Um...you may have lost a thousand readers, but you gained one fabulous one! (moi, of course). Now, there. Doesn't that make you feel better?

As for your thoughts on faith, I can't wait to read more of the archives on that, as I'm struggling with that myself these days.

Hi Y

I haven't been to your blog (or anyone else's) in a while as I've been quite busy. This is also why my own blog is filled with a couple of cobwebs.

Anyway I thought I'd let you know that I really like your writing, and I appreciate you sharing all angles of your life with me, happy or sad.

I find a lot of your posts to be eyeopening, so please keep it up!

I feel you.

Sometimes the best and only thing we can do is inhale/exhale.

What you describe in the bathroom floor is what many seekers describe when they finally find God. anti-climactic? Maybe, but things pivot on that moment.

sotret

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wow...this is the most beautiful...most honest blog I've read in a long time...keep posting and don't pay attention to the numbers...pls come visit my blog...I'd love to be friends with you...Carole

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