Yesterday I was informed that I needed to have a biopsy on my uterus. Five minutes later, I was laying on my back having things inserted into my vagina.
And it hurt.
And I was scared.
And I started to cry because my husband wasn't there to hold my hand.
And also because the doctor said the "C" word, as in "we need to check for cancer."
She also said that she didn't think it was cancer, but because of my symptoms she absolutely needed to check as a precautionary measure.
She informed me that my endocrinologist had ordered a bunch of tests that would probably have the answer to why I hadn't had a period since March 26. (last week I thought I started, but it was just a little bit of blood when I wiped (TMi!) and then... nothing.) So, after I was done having the biopsy, I headed to the lab where they took 5 viles of blood for 10 different tests.
They also handed me just the little bit of comic relief that I need to help get me through these uncertain times...
My Giant Jug O' Pee.
That right there is a jug that I must pee in starting tomorrow morning for 24 hours and I must store it IN THE REFRIGERATOR. That went over really well with The Family. "Hey everyone! This right here is NOT a giant tub of orange juice, it is MY URINE, so please do not drink it, ok? Thanks!"
What the hell has happened to me?
Some of results from my blood work have already started to show up online and I did a little "Google" search of some of the results. BIG MISTAKE. However, after reading the results I'm hopeful it's not cancer. But, the little voices in my head keep whispering "But what if..."
And for the first time since my health problems started (or were FINALLY DIAGNOSED) I am genuinely terrified. Not the kind of terrified where I flippantly say "OMG! I think I have cancer!" because I'm a paranoid freak, but the kind of terrified where I say "Oh my God, I could possibly have cancer." Even if it's NOT cancer, there are other things that could be wrong that are not good at all.
I'm angry and bitter that I wasn't taken seriously for so long by my doctor. I can't help but think that the delay in treatment is the reason I'm having so many problems now. I am asking God to help me let the bitterness go, but it's really fucking hard when your body is messed up in ways that you never imagined and you don't even recognize yourself in the mirror anymore.
I've cried today more than I've cried in a long time-- the fear is overwhelming at times, but deep down I know that I'll be fine.
Even if.








i'm thinking of you and i hope everything isn't as bad as it looks like today. *hugs*