Today, for the first time in years, I suffered a massive panic attack.
(I blame Carbonite. More on that later...)
In 2003, I suffered from severe depression and almost debilitating panic attacks. Things got so bad, that I had to take an unpaid leave of absence from work and attend out patient group therapy.
One of the things that I learned in the weeks of therapy was how to deal with panic attacks. So, when I felt this panic attack coming on, I knew what to do.
I tried calling friends. No one answered.
I talked out loud to myself, saying things like "this is JUST a panic attack. You're going to be fine."
I took deep breaths.
Then, I did something I kind of regret.
I took it to Twitter.
I'm sure that people probably thought I was being a drama queen, but it was a genuine cry for help. Lucky for me, someone heard and called me. Unlucky for them, I was in the midst of the attack.
If you've never suffered a panic attack, you have no idea how awful and frightening they can be. I had hyperventilated to the point that my entire body had gone numb. My legs, my arms, MY FACE. I couldn't speak, I was shaking, my heart was pounding.
When the phone rang, I didn't recognize the number, but I answered anyway. As humiliating as it was to answer the phone WHILE HAVING AN ATTACK, I knew that talking to someone could help calm me down. I won't go into the details of the call, but I will tell you that I was embarrassed and apologized a lot. This wonderful soul was kind and understanding and I can never thank her enough for her kindness.
It took me a couple of hours to recover fully from the emotional and physical effects of the attack.
Of course, I am now slightly alarmed that this could happen again. It's been so long, I thought perhaps I would never have one again. Now, I'm wondering-- do I need to see my psychiatrist again? Would it be wise to ask for medication to prevent this in the future?
I don't want to overreact. I know this was brought on by a very specific event. (Losing a TON of photos that I *thought* were backed up on carbonite, but, apparently, NOT. Because did you know that if you delete files from your hard drive, Carbonite then deletes those same files 30 days later? Which makes me ask the question-- BACKUP SYSTEM, HOW? I suppose it's my fault for not reading all of the fine print. I suppose I shouldn't have assumed that a backup system meant all of your files were backed up, even the deleted ones. But, seriously, isn't that the point of having a backup of your files? So if they are lost or deleted, YOU HAVE A BACKUP OF THE FILE? Stupid, me!) But I can't help but wonder if this is something I need to speak to a professional about again. Maybe?
We'll see.
If you follow me on twitter, I do apologize for the trainwreck tweets. I truly wasn't trying to be a drama queen, I was legitimately reaching out for help. But, even still. AM EMBARRASSED.
No need to ever apologize for trying to get yourself some help--no matter how you have to get it! And this was a good thing to post. I firmly believe there is always at least ONE person out there that is going through the same thing, so it's a good thing to share what you are going through. Hope all is well and that you have a peaceful and wonderful weekend!