It’s a gorgeous outside right now. I went outside to talk to my man and sip on my venti, iced, soy, white mocha. I closed my eyes and felt the warm sun shine on my pale skin. I miss that so much, sitting outside, soaking up the sun, it felt so good.
I listened to my husband talk, his voice soothed me. He reassured me everything is going to be ok. He’s so happy I’m working on getting better. He worries about me, but he doesn’t run away and hide. He’s right there, next to me, telling me it will be ok. He is a good man.
I could hear my children playing in the front yard. Their laughter made me smile. I remember those days when I was a kid and everything was so simple and fun. Not a care in the world, except who’s team I would be on when we played games or if Jimmy, the neighborhood hunk, would notice me that day, maybe even smile at me. I miss that childlike innocence.
It’s amazing how sometimes happiness is literally as close as your own backyard, but you just can’t see it because you’re too afraid to open the door and experiece it. Once you do, you can’t understand why you have been denying yourself that kind of joy.
The simple things in life, I forgot how important they really are.
I’m so glad I was reminded of them today.

Do people think because one has children, she is not human?
Do people really believe mothers do not suffer depression or other mental illnesses?
Do they really think because one has children, she does not feel sadness, hopelessness, torture in her mind and in her soul?
Because one has children, does that mean she doesn’t wish to be beautiful and sexy?
I love my children with all of my heart, they are my life. They are the reason I wake up everymorning. They are the reason I am getting help. I would not fight this if I didn’t have them, I would give up.
What kind of ignorant assumption is that? “You have children, you should be happy.”
Are there really people that ignorant to reality?
I am a human being.
I am fighting depression and other things. You don’t know me, I don’t want your pity, I don’t want you to feel sorry for me. I don’t feel sorry for myself. I wake up everyday and fight FOR MY CHILDREN.
But simply because I have children does not mean I don’t hurt and suffer from the same illnesses and emotions people without children suffer from.
Get educated on mental illness, ignorant people, please, do it for yourself so the next time you give an opinion nobody asked for, you don’t sound like such a dumbass

I am extremely scared right now, scared of myself. Scared of the fact I can’t stop crying and I just cried so hard I went numb. I can’t breathe, that’s how it feels, like I can’t breathe. I didn’t want to, but I called my husband at work because I don’t know what to do. I finally broke down and took a tranquilzer that my doctor gave me just for these kinds of moments and now I’m scared of that. I don’t like taking pills and I don’t know what this is going to do to me. I set the alarm so if I pass out I wake up in time to get Ethan from the bus stop. My chest hurts, my head hurts and I’m trying to keep myself from ripping out my hair. Aren’t you glad you know me? What 3 days ago I was bragging about how good I felt and how I thought I was “on my way.” Now look at me, I can’t even function. This is so unfair and frustrating.

I love my husband, I love Andrew, I love Ethan, I love my dogs, my rabbits and my fish.
I love my friends too.
And Starbucks.
But I love my friends and family and pets more then I love Starbucks, just so we’re clear.
I love fish tacos too.
But not as much as I love Starbucks.
But fish tacos are good, you should try them sometime.