Monthly Archives: July 2003

A mothers love.

Ethan crawled into bed with me early this morning. He was upset because he had a bad dream. I told him he could lay with me if that would make him feel better.
I haven’t been able to sleep since because I just keep looking at this beautiful little boy who I have been blessed with. He’s my child. My son. And he truly is a little angel.
I love my children more than I knew it was possible to love anyone. There’s a certain fear that comes with loving these little boys this much though.
Fear of losing them. Fear of them getting sick. Fear of them getting hurt.
Andrew developed a rash yesterday. It’s nasty looking and hurts him. I can’t stop worrying about it. I was going to take him to urgent care last night, but he begged me not to, he was too tired. So I got up at least 5 times last night to check on it and make sure he wasn’t getting a fever. I worry about them when they’re sick because my biggest fear is something bad happening to one of them.
When you love someone as much as I love my children, that thought, the thought of losing them, or something bad happening to them, is one I can’t bear. I don’t understand how parents go on after losing a child to a tradgedy or an illness. It has to be the worst kind of pain a human being can experience.
And I pray to God I never have to experience it.

Need to get away?

I feel so humiliated.
I went to my friends sons first birthday party today. I wasn’t feeling well, and I almost didn’t go. But I love them so much I didn’t want to miss it, so I got my ass out of the house and went.
I could feel “it” coming on. I was uncomfortable being around a bunch of people I didn’t know, which is unusual for me, but I was extremely uncomfortable. I was hungry, but couldn’t eat. It was hot so I went inside to sit by myself and try to calm down.
It didn’t work. I started having an anxiety attack, right there. I got scared because I started going numb, I felt like I was going to pass out. I heard my friend talking and went to her. I was crying, shaking, hyperventilating and asked her to help me. She didn’t know what to do, so she just held my hand and told me it was going to be ok.
I have never had that happen in front of anyone but my husband. How fucking humiliating. I wanted to just die right there, I felt so stupid and ashamed.
She was very kind to me about it, infact, she is one of the best friends I could ever ask for, but I still can’t help being embarassed and sorry that she had to see that.
I sometimes wonder why my friends and family put up with me! If you only knew how grateful I am that they do, though.

If only wishes came true

I wish that women didn’t base their self worth on how a man treats them, but instead learned to find the good and beauty inside of them and learned to love themselves.
I wish that people would take responsibility for their own actions and quit blaming everyone else for their problems.
I wish that every child was born to a mother and father who loved them and cherished them as though they were angels sent from heaven instead of neglecting, beating and belittling them.
I wish that people were honest and spoke truths instead of lies and hurtful, untrue gossip.
I wish that people would look to the heart of a person instead of judging them on their appearance.
I wish that elderly people were given respect and love instead of being abused, mocked and disregarded as though they weren’t human.
I wish that people didn’t have to live on the streets or in cars and that every person could go to bed full and content instead of starving and cold.
I wish that people could admit when they were wrong and just say sorry.
I wish people would realize the world doesn’t revolve around them.

Can I wash your car?

My son just asked me if he could walk to McDonalds with his friends. My answer? Hell no.
He’s 10 and McDonalds is literally right up the street, but it’s a busy street. I just don’t feel comfortable with that yet.
I started thinking about when I was a kid, his age, even younger I believe and how we would walk or ride our bikes all over the city. My friends and I would go door to door with a bucket, sponges, dish soap, towels and ask people if we could wash their car for $1.00. Most of them would let us, and when we had collected enough to buy lunch at McDonalds, or a yogurt at Yogurt-n-more we’d pack up, and take off. My parents never had a problem with us doing that.
I just feel like times are different now. Then I wonder, are they really? Or am I just paranoid? No, I think times are different.
I think it’s sad that my children can’t enjoy some of the same freedoms we did as children because the memories I have from walkin’ the hood to get something to eat at McDonalds, or something to drink at AM PM mini mart are truly priceless.
So are the memories of lemonade stands. I remember my dad built a crappy little wooden stand and we would make lemonade and stand at the top of our street begging cars passing by to buy a cup for 10 cents. Usually the only one who would stop was the mailman, but that didn’t stop us. We’d sit there for hours and every car was a possible sale, it was exciting. I’d jump up and down everytime a car would drive by screaming “want some lemonade????” (Damn, too bad I didn’t develop early, just think of all the perverts people that would have stopped for a nice refreshing uh, cup of lemonade.
I love that I wasn’t afraid to do silly stuff like that as a kid. Those are some of the greatest memories I have of my childhood.

Some things I will never understand.

I will never understand why people LEAVE THIER CHILDREN LOCKED IN CARS WITH THE WINDOWS ROLLED UP. What the hell are these people thinking? What is so hard about taking your children inside with you????? I can say I have never nor will I ever leave my kids in the car. It doesn’t make any sense.
Yesterday, a woman left her 2 foster children in her Escalade for 5 hours while she went inside the day care she works at. It was 100 degrees outside. She came back to find the kids dead. How senseless.
It angers me so much. My sister found a new born baby in a car last summer and freaked out. She called 911 and almost broke the window of the car because she said the baby stopped crying, she thought the baby might be dying. The police came and at the same time the mother came running out. She was shopping at Old Navy while her baby was burning alive in the car. What kind of human being actually thinks leaving your child in a car is even an option? What the fuck is wrong with people?