I figured out that I can get pretty much anything I want by starting my sentence with this.
“I read another way to naturally induce labor is to…”
I can follow that with whatever I am craving/wanting at the moment, and I’ll get it!
Me: “I read another way to naturally induce labor is to eat curly fries with ranch dressing from Jack in the Box. The combination of the spices they use on the fries and the ingredients in the dressing produces a natural poticin.”
Tony: “Yeah? I’ll go get you some RIGHT NOW!”
Me: I read another way to naturally induce labor is to have mudd pie ice cream hand fed to you while being told repeatedly “I live to serve you”. Something about the oreos in the mudd pie and the boosted self esteem.”
Tony: “I’ll get right on that!!!”
Me: “I read that another way to naturally induce labor is to douse yourself in Escada’s new perfume, Island kiss. Something about the combination of scents used simulating production of natural potocin. Too bad I don’t have any!”
Tony: “Is Macy’s still open?”
You get the idea.
I’m just trying to figure out how to turn a negative into a positive, people.

I’m staring at the bags I have packed when it’s time to go. Gabby’s diaper bag, filled with diapers, wipes, her coming home outfit. The boys bag, filled with a change of clothes, clean socks and underwear and a note to each of them telling them how much I love, admire and need them (in case, God forbid, something happens to me, I want them to know exactly how I feel about them.) My bag, filled with diaper sized maxi pads, nursing pads, girdle panties, and all that stuff I need to make my face pretty when I leave the hospital. Laying next to the bags are the cameras– Video, digital, 35mm. All ready to go when it’s time.

I’m so ready for this to happen and because I’m so prepared and ready to go, I can’t think about anything else.

I’m analyzing every contraction.”Oh, that one hurt, could this be it?” “Oh, that one lasted 45 seconds, maybe tonight?”

But nothing. I’m still here and she’s not.

I’m glad that when it IS finally time, we’re all prepared. There won’t be any scrambling to get things together. There won’t be any panic that I’ve forgotten something, because it’s all ready to go.
The only thing I’ll have to worry about is taking a shower right before we leave, as requested by my husband, because he’d like our daughter to be born (and I quote word for word) “out a freshly clean twat.”
HE’S THE BEST!
Now, when the hell is she going to decide to come out of my freshly scrubbed vagina?
Soon I hope, very soon. As in “tonight” soon.

Just got back from the doctors. He was able to get a heartbeat, but ordered a non stress test to check the baby’s movement and the amniotic fluid. At first, she wouldn’t move, so they put this little gadget on my belly that they use to “wake the baby up” It sends a sound into the uterus.
Holy shit. She woke up and she was pissed. She finally started kicking and her heartbeat went up. I was so relieved. The fluid levels are just right.
So, she’s fine. And now I am too. I was terrified. (Not that I have a tendancy to over react or anything)
Also, I’m starting to dialate, but only 1- 1/2 centimeters right now. That doesn’t mean much, doctor said it could still be 2 weeks. He also ordered me to rest and stay off my feet. He said that with my panic disorder and history of depression, it’s best if I go into labor on my own and they don’t have to interfere. I have no problems obeying his orders to stay off the feet. Eff this house, I want a healthy baby girl and I’d like to live to see her.

Thank you for the well wishes.

I’ve had it. I can’t take this anymore. Seriously.
I’m swollen, my back hurts, my feet hurt, my head hurts. I’m totally useless. I try to get work done, but my body is like “Oh hell naw!” ”
I would like my body back.
I CAN’T TAKE THIS. I never felt like this with my other pregnancies.
I know… BLAHBLAHBLAH WHINE, BITCH MOAN.
And yet? COMPLAINING ANYWAY. I just want to feel healthy again, I want to feel like me again.
And I want my appetite back. I can’t even EAT because I’m so miserable.
But mostly, I want my little girl already. I need her desperately, to see her, to hold her, to kiss her so I can say “this was all worth it”.
I can’t do this much longer, I am going to lose my mind, if I haven’t already.

I’m not feeling so well today so I decided to do something that I never do.
I asked for help.
I have a hard time accepting help when it’s offered, so to actually ask for help kills me. But I had to. I can’t stand for more than a few minutes without swelling like a pig and feeling dizzy.
I called my mother in law and asked her if she would help me and clean my house (she has a cleaning business.) She was more than happy to help, she’ll be here tomorrow morning with her “crew.”
So guess what I’m doing right now?
CLEANING before she gets here.
The more I think about it, the less I like the idea of her seeing my house in this condition.
I know this totally defeats the purpose of asking her to help me, but I’m just trying to make it decent. I’ll let her do all the hard stuff, like scrubbing the tubs and toilets.
I don’t know how people let people clean their houses on a regular basis. It’s too damn stressful for me. Especially considering it’s my MOTHER IN LAW that’ll be doing the cleaning.