Oh my God, I had no idea having a little girl would be this much fun. I love her so much and I can’t help thinking she’s the most beautiful little princess in the world. When I dressed her up in her little tutu (that my friend Robyn F made for her!) I forgot all about yesterday. She melts my heart, you have no idea how much…
One of the many reasons I used to say I didn’t want any more children was because of how easy life had become now that my boys are no longer in the baby/toddler stages of their life. No more diaper changes, or bottles. And the days of “potential diaster or embarassing moments” (Like the time I took them to the mall and Ethan saw the naked mannequin.) are pretty much a thing of the past. (Except for the occassional moments of “loud enough for half of the store to hear” comments they make, like yesterday at Target when Ethan was pushing the stroller, bumped into my ass and said “Phew! Good thing you have a really big, wiggly butt, mom, or else that would have HURT.”)
I loved how I could just get up and go and me and my boys would actually enjoy our time out together.
Lord, I forgot just how hard it is taking a baby out.
I’m lucky because Gabby is a very calm, peaceful baby. She doesn’t cry at all while we’re out.
But, DAMN does that girl shit. Every 20 minutes. And she loads that diaper UP. By load that diaper up, I mean it usually ends up all the way up her back, just below her neck, which means I have to change her entire outfit. And everytime I change her, she wants to eat, so I have to find a place to whip out the boobs without offending people or pissing people off. Don’t get me wrong, I totally cover myself with a blanket, but even THAT makes people uncomfortable.
I hope once I ease into this baby thing again, it will get easier because cussing while crying in the parking lot trying to figure out how to work the stroller is starting to get a little embarrassing. Especially since I have to older boys standing there watching me do it. People look at me like “What the hell is wrong with that lady? She has two other kids, she should know how to operate that shit!”
I’m off to the mall again to finish up the shopping, I just hope I don’t lose my mind this time out…
Today, I am taking Andrew to his junior high school orientation.
My baby is starting junior high.
This hurts my heart. How quickly he’s growing up.
I have so many fears about this. I remember jr.high was difficult for me. There were so many cliques and I never did fit in with any of them. I felt so lost and many times, so alone. I managed to make friends from all groups, but I never did develop that feeling of “belonging” to any one group and I always felt like an outsider.
I worry about him getting picked on, even though he’s never been in that situation, this is a new school with kids he’s never met before. What if there’s some asshole child who hates my son and makes his life hell?
I worry about his grades. Will he adjust to the new system of different teachers and periods or will it be too overwhelming for him?
So many fears. So many worries. So many mixed emotions about it.
And the one emotion that I feel the strongest is sadness. Sadness that my first baby is growing up so quickly.
My Grandparents came over to see Gabriella. They fell in love with her instantly. It was an emotional moment for me to watch my Grandfather smiling at her because I remember the day he told me he was so sick he only had a year to live. I cried for days because I thought “he’ll never see me get married”.
That was 14 years ago and he’s still here. And he was able to see his great granddaughter. It touched me deeply.
Then, as they were leaving and Tony was helping my grandpa to the car, my grandpa turned to Tony and said “Your little girl is beautiful, Tony and it breaks my heart that I won’t live to see her get married.”
I sobbed like a baby when he said it and I cry everytime I think of it.
Like right now.
Why can’t Grandpas live forever?
I know a certain, little someone who LOVES The Boobie to eat. Very much. And I think it’s starting to show….
(And yes, I totally nibble on her. She’s irresistible.)
Last night was the first time since giving birth to Gabby that I actually got some sleep. She woke up 3 times last night and went to sleep each time after her feeding. I feel so much better today just from getting that sleep!!
Now, if I could only STOP SWEATING!! Oh my God. It’s disgusting, yet strangely, I don’t mind because I know I’ll lose a few pounds from it. My feet almost look normal again. I’m sure that has something to do with all of this sweat! I still can’t fit in most of my shoes, but if the sweat keeps up at this pace, I’ll fit in them in no time.
The one thing I don’t think I’ll be fitting into any time soon is my bra. Sweet Jesus, I have no moved up to a E CUP, people. I might be happy about this, except for the fact I have a Q SIZED ASS to match! Oh, and they hurt like a hell and milk is constantly squirting out of them. The bulging veins alone are enough to make anyone dry heave. And no, I still do not know how much they weigh.
Isn’t my daughter beautiful?
I didn’t think I was capable of loving her this much.
Oh my God. How I love her.
I get absolutely no sleep, I hardly have time to shower, I don’t leave the house much, I smell like milk and throw up most of the time, I can’t finish a meal, I’m fat… And yet I can’t stop smiling.
Who would have known. I never would have imagined it would be this good. I don’t know if I ever honestly expressed how terrified I was that I wasn’t going to be able to handle this. I thought I would be miserable having to get up all night to feed her, I thought I’d be crying everyday wondering what I had done.
It’s just the opposite. I feel like I’m floating on air. I’m that happy.
I don’t think anyone will ever understand how much this baby has changed me for the better. I feel so complete. I feel at complete peace with my life. Even though we are facing some tough times financially, even though I’m scared to death as to what is going to happen in the next few months… all I have to do is look at my daughter, at my handsome boys, at my incredible husband and I know in my heart that everything is going to work out and we will be okay.
I know, I KNOW. I’m a sappy mess. I bet you all wish I’d talk about vaginas and bloody discharge again, don’t you? ADMIT IT, YOU DO!
Everyone thinks I was crazy to want to go home just a few hours after giving birth. They told me I should stay in the hospital and let them take care of me.
No thank you.
I hated being there. HATED IT.
And the truth is, even though I had the longest labor and hardest time with this birth, my recovery was amazing. I had almost NO pain. Didn’t bleed much at all and I was up walking around in no time.
My vagina was very good to me. Even after passing an 8 pound baby through it, I have had no pain “down there”.
I remember after having the boys, I had to use pain medication. It was torture to sit down or go to the bathroom. I had to use witch hazel pads and pillows to sit on. Not this time. It’s almost scary how good I feel. I’m thinking that it will hit me in a few days. I already stopped bleeding! THIS IS AWESOME!
No one can believe how good I’m doing for having just had a baby. I am so grateful for this quick and easy recovery. Especially after the discomfort I had been in for most of the pregnancy. It’s such a blessing.
The only thing that’s really getting to me is the lack of sleep and THE COMPANY WHO WILL NOT STOP COMING OVER!
Don’t get me wrong, I’m grateful that so many people care and are taking time out of their schedules to come and see my sweet girl, but I just want to rest and I can’t because I have to keep cleaning the house and entertaining people. But I know in a few days everything will settle down and people will stop coming over and I’ll be able to get my rest.
I think I’m going to venture on my first trip out of the house with my THREE KIDS! I’m going to go to Target to get a few things I need. It’s not going to be easy, but I’m pretty sure I’ll be able to handle it. I just hope Gabby doesn’t decide to take the kind of dump that goes up her entire back side while were there, forcing me to have to do an outfit change in the bathroom. Or that she doesn’t start screaming for the boob halfway through my shopping trip, forcing me to have to hide my cart somewhere and take a trip to the van for a feeding.
Oh, how life has changed.
I was trying to think of how to put into words just how tired I am. There are no words.
But there’s things one does when this tired that paints a picture without having to use words. Like, when ones upper left ass cheek itches, and they stick their finger up their nose to scratch it.
Now I have a bloody nose and my ass still itches.
