A few weeks before BlogHer, Leah had asked me if I’d be willing to do a video interview for Alpha Mom. I was excited, because no one EVER asks me for interviews (I mean, why would they? Seriously? What am I going to talk about? Aerobic Dancing?)
We tried to make plans to meet somewhere for the interview, but it never worked out, so I was all “Let’s do it at BlogHer!”
Next thing I know, I’m scheduled for a 3:30 interview in Leah’s hotel room.
I was nervous. Very nervous. For one, there’s the whole weight issue. (OMG! THE CAMERA ADDS 10 POUNDS!) Then, the fact that I spit when I talk whilst excited (Don’t believe me? Ask Amy! Also? I fart when overstimulated (Don’t believe me? Lassa or Jen how many times I excused myself to go “rip one” on the balcony.) But mostly, I was nervous about not having anything intelligent or insightful to say.
When I arrived at the hotel, I was met by Alpha Mom Herself, Isabel Kallman (Love.Her. FO FUH-KEENG!), a camera man whose name I forgot, Leah and Jesus!
Jesus, the makeup arteest.
I was shocked to find out that there would be a “professional makeup artist” taking care of my face painting needs. Knowing that my makeup would be done by a professional put me somewhat at ease because at least I’d look SMASHING if I accidently let one rip.
Jesus invited me to sit on the toilet (WHAT?! No chair with my name on it?!) so that he could make me pretty. As I sat there, talking with him, asking him for makeup tips (because LORD KNOWS I NEED THEM.) I have to admit that I felt so special.
And I wanted to cry.
Here’s an excerpt from an email I sent to Isabel yesterday.
(OMG! CHEESE ALERT! CHEESE ALERT! FOR IT IS CHEESY)
I’ve never felt very smart, I’ve always struggled with feelings of “not being good enough.” I often feel as though good things happen to everyone else and that good things don’t happen to me because I simply don’t deserve them.
Being apart of the interviews made me feel like I was part of something really special and my God, it felt good. I wanted to cry as I was sitting there having my makeup done because I felt so damn special.
I know it’s cheesy and that you may have just thrown up in your mouth a little when you read that, but that’s how I felt.
I BLAME JESUS. With his pretty eyelashes and soft hands. JESUS MADE ME CRY!
After the makeup was done, the camera man showed me how to put on my mic (OMG! I got to wear a mic! Just like the kids from The Real World do!)and I took my seat next to Leah. I was more terrified then ever because OH MY GOD I WAS WEARING A MIC! And there were lights! And a camera! And *pfffffffffrattata* YOU WANT ME TO GIVE YOU A HOT PARENTING TIP?
I’m not going to give away the questions, or the answers. You’ll have to wait to see them, BUT! I will tell you that at one point in the interview, Leah asked me about my Aerobic Dancing and I was overcome with so much excitement that my mouth started to water, I jumped up out of my seat, kicked the chairs out of the way and was all “WANT ME TO SHOW YOU THE MONKEY?”
I can’t blame “the liquor” because it was only 4 in the afternoon and I hadn’t even had a drink yet. That was ALL ME, people. I can’t help it, I’m obsessed (and perhaps, also posessed) with The Aerobic Dance.
The most akward part of the interview was when we had to stare at each other for the “fade out.” The first time, I looked away and they were all “We have to stare for the fade out.” And I was like “ARE YOU SERIOUS?”
They were totally serious.
Oh! Oh! And then? GET THIS! We had to do these “fake nod” shots. People! FAKE.NOD.SHOTS.
I’m pretty sure it went a little something (or quite possibly EXACTLY) like this.
Camera man: Give me a “Funny” nod
Me:
Camera man: Um, ok, now give me a “surprised nod”
Me:
Camera man: Now, give me a “serious” nod.
Me:
HA! HA! HA! HA! And also “OMG! This is going to be on Alpha mom!”
Had someone told me that I’d have to be doing a little bit of “acting”, I would have brushed up on my TOTALLY NON EXISTENT acting skills.
As soon as the interview is up, I’ll pass the link along to you, because you KNOW you can’t wait to see it.
(But, um, there’s always the chance that I’ll “forget” to tell you about it.)
Stay tuned for Part Three: The Accidental Drunk.

My husband never calls in sick for work. He’s an incredibily dedicated employee. (Unlike myself, whose sick time was in the NEGATIVE when I quit after 14 years of employment.) When suggested that he call in sick on Friday so that he could watch the kids for me while I was on my way to San Jose to “learn more about blogging”, he almost threw up.
After a little begging, he agreed to do it. Luckily, he got “severe cramps” and “felt like he had to poop.” I say “luckily” because he was feeling bad about himself for lying and the cramps and poop made him feel as though calling in sick was totally justified.
We woke G-Unit up, got her dressed, rushed out the door at 5:30 (IN THE MORNING!) and headed out to pick up Amy. You see, Amy was The Lucky One who got to fly to San Jose with me. And when I say “Lucky” I mean, totally not lucky at all because traveling with me is a horrifying experience. Horrifying because I freak the hell out about everything because I am paranoid because I always think bad things are going to happen because I always think that I lost something.
And then there’s the whole “I have to pee every 2 minutes” thing.
This is me, traveling.
“OH MY GOD! I THINK I FORGOT MY WALLET!”
“OH MY GOD! MY TICKET! I THINK I FORGOT IT!”
“OH MY GOD! I HAVE TO PEE AGAIN EVEN THOUGH I’VE ALREADY PEED 3 TIMES IN THE PAST 20 MINUTES BUT OMG! WHAT IF THEY START TO BOARD THE PLANE WHAT SHOULD I DO?!”
“OH MY GOD! I WANT A COFFEE, BUT THAT WILL MAKE ME HAVE TO PEE AND STUFF AND OMG! SHOULD I JUST DRINK TEA?”
“OH MY GOD, I THINK I LOST MY PHONE EVEN THOUGH I HAVE NO REASON TO THINK THAT OTHER THAN I HAVEN’T FREAKED OUT IN THE LAST 3 MINUTES AND I NEED SOMETHING TO FREAK OUT ABOUT.”
See? Lucky Amy, indeed!
I waited until we were on the plane to mention that I’m TERRIFIED of flying, but lucky for everyone on that plane, the flight was smooth and turbulence free. (For had it not been, I would have been forced to scream out “Oh Jesus please save us!” whilst bursting into “OMG! We’re going to die” tears of fear. And if you think I’m lying, you can ask my dad who once said that I become “very spiritual” on airplanes.)
(Apparently, I’m in love with the word “lucky” today. Lucky internet!)
Once we arrived in San Jose, we made a mad dash for the ground transportation area so that we could find the free hotel shuttle. (A free shuttle! Lucky us!) We waited for a few minutes when a minivan pulled up ready to take us to the hotel. However, on our way out of the airport, he made another stop to pick up another group of people.
I have a confession. The shuttle driver asked us to move to the back so that the people could get into the van and I ignored him because I was all “WE WERE HERE FIRST! WE GET DIBS ON THE SEAT AND I REFUSE TO MOVE TO THE BACK!” I got out so that he could lift the seats and the other people could hop on into the van.
The back of the van.
I heard one of the girls in the back say that she was here for a blogging convention.I whipped my head around and was all “So are we!” Then, I realized, to my horror, that the woman that I had made crawl into the back of the van was Motherhood Uncensored and I felt like the biggest asshole in the world because I MADE A PREGNANT LADY CRAWL INTO THE BACK OF THE VAN!
(That the first of many times that I’d feel like a giant asshole that weekend.)
(A minivan full of bloggers, LUCKY SHUTTLE DRIVER!)
Once we arrived at the hotel, I immediately began frantically scanning the place for bloggers and also friends. The first person I saw was Jen. I have no idea why, but I expected her to be loud and hyper, but strangely, she was quiet and calm. Unlike me, who was all “OMG! Jen! DANCE OFF BIOTCH.” (Because, you know how I get overly excited very easily? Yeah.) She was like “Yeah, um, can I get a room first and then we’ll talk about that dance off” (Only, she didn’t really say that, but I’m pretty sure she was thinking it.)
We made our way to our room at the GHETTO HOTEL, put our stuff down and decided to go back out and see if we couldn’t find some bloggers to hug and stuff.
We found the conference hall and I was immediately rushed by a bunch of screaming fans.
HA! HA! I’m lying! No one even knew who we were. We were all walking around like “Um, where do we go and where are all of the bloggers that we know and OMG! THERE ARE GIANT BAKE POTATOES AND ARE WE ALLOWED TO EAT THEM?”
Finally, I saw someone that I knew. OMG! JENN!, then OMG! ZOOT then OMG! Lisa Stone! then OMG! Lena! then “OMG! GRACE DAVIS!
It was insane. There was hugging and screaming and “OMG”ing and laughing and (silent farting because OMG! THE EXCITMENT!)
From the moment I had arrived at the hotel, I had been trying to call Amalah because she TOLD ME TO CALL HER to let her know when I arrived. She wasn’t answering and I was like “Oh hell no she isn’t going to ignore me.”
So, I kept calling and calling and she kept NOT answering and NOT answering. Then, this one time, there were all of these amazing women around me and we were talking and laughing and I tried calling again and as the phone was ringing, I felt someone brush up against me and I looked and it was Amalah standing right next to me and I was all “OMIGAWD! LOOK! I’M ON THE PHONE CALLING YOU! HOW CERAAAAZY IS THAT?”
Amy and I finally decided that we needed to eat because we were hungry and did I mention there were giant baked potatoes? Because there were giant baked potatoes.
And sourcream, and bacon and cheese and also? Fried chicken.
I have to admit, I felt completely self conscience about eating in front of all of these women who knew about my struggles with weight. I was like “If they see me eating a baked potato loaded with cheese and bacon, they’re going to be all ‘no wonder she’s still fat'” (And if you’ve seen the pictures, you know that I am still fat and that no! My stomach is NOT TONED NOR MUSCULAR.)
So, I cut the giant potato in half so as to not feel too bad about eating it, even though it killed me to watch the other half fall into the trash can.
(OMG! This is going to take forever, I haven’t even got to the part where we start drinking yet, I mean, I’m still writing about the first 20 minutes after arriving there! I am going to have to devide it into parts. This post will be part one. LUCKY YOU!)
As I was scarfing down my H-A-L-F of a baked potato, I got a text message that said these exact words “OMG. I saw you walk in but didn’t say hi.”
(I had only discovered that my cheap ass prepaid phone had text messaging capabilities and so I have to admit that the text messaging made me feel as though I was The Shit.)
I wrote back and was all “OMG, why didn’t you? And um, who’s this?”
It was HeatherB and so I freaked and was all “Where are you?” and she was all “by the pool.”
So, me and Amy left for the pool to find Heather. Once we got to the pool, I saw a group of women sitting by the pool and it struck me that I had NO IDEA what Heather looked like. So, because I am totally cool and know how to play things off, I stopped and pretended to be text messaging someone and I asked Amy if the women at the pool were looking at me. She was all “Um, I think so” and I was all “Crap, I have no idea what Heather looks like.” And I continued to pretend to be texting someone and she was all “Yeah, they’re looking at you.”
Then, I heard someone scream “YYYYYYVONNNNNNNEEEE.”
Next thing I know, Mir and Chris were running towards me. OMG! MIR! AND CHRIS! And, OMG! CARMEN!(Who did NOT AT ALL make me nuts, silly woman!)
I totally admitted that I was fake texting because I had no idea what Heather looked like and they’re all “NERD! Heather’s right there!”
Lucky for me, they knew her and I could stop the text messaging charade. (LUCKY!)
We stayed and chatted for a few minutes, then we had to head back to the room because I had been scheduled to do a video interview with Leah for Alpha Mom TV.
(Which. IMAGINE THAT. ME. DOING AN ON CAMERA INTERVIEW.)
I was extremely nervous about doing an on camera reason for many reasons.
a)My weight.
b)Um, gas.
c)I spit when I talk when I am excited. (Seriously, ask Amy. p.s. SORRY AMY.)
d)I am not very smart and um, what the hell do I know about anything really?
e)I do not know how to apply my makeup.
HOWEVER! When I got to the room, I was shocked to find out that my makeup was going to be PROFESSIONALLY DONE.
By a man named Jesus.
Jesus was pretty and he was gay and he thought I was cute. What more could I have asked for in a professional makeup artist? (Oh! I know! That he brush his teeth after he ate his lunch because I am sensitive to smell and I had to fight the urge to dry heave everytime he talked really close to my face.)
Now. The Interview. [Janice from friends voice]Oh.My.God[/Janice from friends voice.] People, I danced aerobically during the interview. Yeah.
I think I’ll make The Interview “Part Two” because a)I’m tired of typing b)G-unit woke up from her nap and is running around naked screaming c) I think my ass may explode any minute now (Which hahaha, wait til I tell you about the ass explotion in Amalahs hotel room.)
LUCKY AMY!