Last night, Tony and I were talking about how drastically our lives are about to change.
We both are full of a thousand different emotions about it.
Excitement. We can’t wait to meet this little baby. To see what she looks like, to get to know her. We talk for hours about what we think she’ll look like, or whos personality she’ll have. If she’ll be a crier or a calm baby. We wonder if she’ll be born bald or have lots of hair. It’s exciting, especially because this baby is the little girl we never thought we’d have.
Nervousness. We wonder how are lives will change. No more sitting alone together on the couch after the boys have gone to bed. No more sleeping in on the weekend. We won’t be able to just get up and go somewhere the way we do now. How will our children react? We’re almost sure they will be positive and helpful, but you never know. Will she be healthy? Will her delivery go smoothly?
There’s also a little bit of sadness on my part. Sadness that things won’t be the way they are anymore. Sadness that Ethan won’t be the “baby” anymore. I hate admitting to that, but it’s true. It doesn’t take away from the fact that I love this baby and am excited about her arrival, it’s just the way I feel.
I have a lot of guilt when it comes to my boys right now. I feel like they’re being cheated out of a fun summer because of this pregnancy. Normally, we’d be out on the town doing things everyday. Raging Waters, bowling, the arcade, the park, etc, but because of the condition I’m in now and being ordered to rest, I just can’t do it. They are being so understanding and sympathatic to my condition, but I still can’t help but feel bad. I cry about it, I talk to them about it and they always say the same thing.
“Mom, it’s not your fault and we aren’t mad. You’re pregnant and you have to take care of yourself.”
I think the sadness comes from a place of things not being the way they are anymore. It’s been just me and those boys and I love them desperately. I don’t want to do anything to disrupt their lives. Yet, I know in my heart this baby will only enhance it. Right?
I felt the same way when I was pregnant with Ethan. It had been just me and Andrew for 4 years. I felt so much guilt for bringing another child in the picture, knowing I couldn’t give him all of the attention anymore, knowing I’d have devide my time between the two of them and share my love and attention. I didn’t think I had in it me to love 2 kids.
Funny how all of those fears and all of that sadness was put to rest the minute Ethan was born.
Now, they are best friends. They love each other more than anything and I can’t imagine one without the other. They do everything together and enjoy each other’s company.
What if I had let that fear keep me from having another child? Andrew would have missed out on a best friend and I would have missed out on the funniest little kid I know.
Just writing this, looking at the pictures of those boys is slowly putting that sadness to rest, it’s making me realise that one day I’ll be watching the three of them play and I’ll ask myself “How did we ever live without that little girl?”

10 thoughts on “emotions

  1. Ginger

    Your boys sound so sweet. I’m sure their understanding and support stems from their father being so supportive of you and seeing the love the two of you share. I bet they will be so protective of her as she grows up!
    Keeping my fingers crossed that you won’t have to be uncomfortable and miserable much longer!

  2. Rori

    And just think, 20 years from now, when you are surrounded by grandbabies, and your children are all best friends with one another?
    You are a very rich woman.

  3. picklejuice

    My girl Sam was nearly seven when my Zoe was born – Zoe that we never thought we’d have – and the moment I laid my eyes on Sam after delivering Zoe I said to myself, “Holy shit – when did she grow up?” It was like she aged right before my eyes. I’d had her stuck in this little cherubic three-year-old vision and it fell away. That part was the hardest and the most enlightening thing that has ever happened to me.
    Three years later along comes Nico – it wasn’t as shocking with Zoe as it was with Sam, and despite their age differences they’re all best friends. It’s kinda crazy to imagine *not* having any one of them, though I always thought I’d have none of them.
    It’ll work out. To be all Jerry Maguire here, she’ll complete you.

  4. Lynne

    I swear I had a dream last night that you had gone into labor and we were all reading about your progess here. Surely a sign I am way too addicted. I think your boys are going to love being older brothers to their sister. I know my “baby” would love NOT to be the baby any more!

  5. latemom

    New reader since a few weeks ago — howdy from about 30 miles east of you. Rooting for you all the way! You’re gonna love having a girlie, I know I sure do…

  6. Jenn

    I was in your situation 3 years ago. For more than 5 years it was just me and my boys. I was a “Mom to just boys” and had accepted that. Imagine my surprise (thinking I was done) to find out I was pregnant…with a girl! I had the same fears you are talking about here. For me, our little girl brought more to our family than I could ever imagine. The boys are closer because of her. Closer to each other and to her and to us.
    Funny sidenote you will appreciate. When she was born, after all of the fears we had during the difficult pregnancy and after all of the worry we had that she would be premature, my first question the moment she was born was not “Is she okay?” but rather “Is it still a GIRL?” (Yeah, I wanted that girl badly! lol)

  7. Lisa

    Lurker here … nice post about how we have to bid farewell to some good things to move onto others … {sniff} … I have to go call my sister now.

  8. Rae

    Yep, I know EXACTLY what you mean, Yvonne. I have two boys (aged 11 and 8) and a little girl (aged 5 1/2), and I think that all the time. I still, after five years, cannot believe she’s here and what a blessing the three of them are. You honestly DO forget what it was like with just two boys as soon as a girl is born. I’m very happy for you!

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