“What’s in the bag?” He asked.

“A new perfume!” I reply.

“Oooh, let me smell.”

“It’s super sexy” I say, “I think you’re going to love it.”

I opened the box, took out the bottle and sprayed a little bit on wrist, a little bit on my neck.
He closed his eyes, took my arm, pulled it up to his nose and slowly inhaled. He opened his eyes, smiled and inhaled again.

“Mmmmm.” He said. “So good.”

I giggled, all flirtatiously.

“You like it?”

“Oh, I love it! You know what it reminds me of?”

I smiled. “Tell me.”

“A cigar.”

He was not trying to be an asshole. He loves cigars, thinks they are one of the finer things in life.

Cigars are sexy, baby. It was a compliment.

This morning I woke up at 4:30 am to the sound of my husband shaving in sink in the bedroom.
“Could you BE any louder?” I said in that grumpy way that I talk at 4:30 in the morning.
He apologized and turned the water on and off in a much gentler way. Within a minute of being woke up, I realized what day it was.
I knew he had no clue.
I waited as he walked around the room picking up various things that he needed for work. Keys. Cell phone. Time card. Gum.
He said nothing.
The 19 year old me would have been mad and not said a thing. I would have let him leave without bringing it to his attention so that I could use it as a weapon later that evening.
But present day me is too old and tired and, perhaps, mature for all of that drama so I got out of bed, hugged him and said “What’s today?”
“It’s Monday.”
“I know it’s Monday, but what IS today?”
“It’s the 17th…”
Still. Nothing.
And then I saw the look on his face change. He finally realized that today was our wedding anniversary. Our 18th wedding anniversary.
He felt bad and promised to take me out this weekend. And instead of getting all dramatic about how dare he forget our anniversary! I accepted his offer because after this many years together, drama is pointless. At this point, if he brought me home a can of bean dip for the bag of fritos that has been torturing me for the past 3 weeks, I’d be like “Thanks for the best anniversary present EVER!!
Seriously…all that matter is that He Love Me Long Time.
So, yeah, Happy 18th year of marriage to us.

(A friend just sent an “Happy Anniversary email (Yes, we have friends in real life. I KNOW.) and included this never before seen picture. It’s no wonder we’ve lasted so long. We’re awesome.)

Tonight. Finally.
It’s just “The Class” so we still have to wait for the actual procedure, but at least we’re on the way to fear free sex.
I assumed I’d be coming to the class with him, but when I brought it up, Tony was all “hell to the NO.”
I suppose he thinks I won’t take the class seriously. He thinks I’ll
not be very mature. What does he think I’ll do?
Laugh at inappriate times?
Draw pictures of weiners getting sliced up?
Ask lots of questions about how big the balls actually get?
Oh, how much fun it would have been, but I’ll never know because I’ve been “forbidden.”
Tony 403’d my ass.
Honestly? I don’t blame him. It’s better I stay home and laugh about my husbands balls then do it in front of a bunch of men and one doctor who won’t find me very funny anyway.
I’m excited it’s finally happening and not just because I’m H to the O to the r-n-y, either.
Ok, yeah. That’s the ONLY reason I’m excited about it. I’m sick of saying “No!” Or “Get that thing off of me!” OR “I WILL KILL YOU IF I GET PREGNANT”.
Sick.Of.It.
I am so ready to get a good Enchilada Stuffing and actually enjoy it.
It’s been over a year. It’s time to get that Weapon “deactivated” and back in business.
If you know what I’m sayin’ and I think you do.
UPDATED! WITH PICTURES!
I just “reviewed” the materials the they handed out in “class”. Tony was completely right in “forbidding me” from attending with him.
Because…

Continue reading →

Today, the man I married when I was only NINETEEN years old, turned 40.
Forty.
FOR-TAY.
I still remember when he had hair on the upper part of his head and when we used to “do it” like, 5 times a day (seriously. Five.)
I also remember when he had glasses as big as God.

(p.s. this is the best line ever uttered at a family gathering in regards to the above picture… “Appearing, one night only at the Improv, Antonio the magician. Watch him burn an entire ant hill in less than 10 minutes with his glasses.”)
Here we are, almost 15 years later. He’s balding, I’m fat. How the time flies. It’s crazy. I can’t believe I’m married to a FORTY YEAR OLD MAN and that we have a ONE YEAR OLD BABY GIRL. Just call him Frank Gifford. HA! HA! HA! That was a good one.
Happy Birthday, Fukktonie!! My birthday wish for you is that you stop with the driveby farts that smell like death and disease and that you outlive me because I can not even imagine living in this world without you in it. (But seriously, stop with the farts.)