This is what you get when I try to write while The Girl is awake.

Ethan is home sick today.
He got food poisoning from the poison that is “school lunch”. I freaked out (like I always do when my children get sick) and made Tony take him to urgent care last night. The boy was YELLOW and sweaty and seriously? I’ve never seen a human being puke as much as he did.
I thought perhaps they could give him a shot to make him stop puking. They gave me a shot to stop the puking when I had food poisoning when I was SEVEN MONTHS PREGNANT with Gabby.

Man, that was fun! Seriously, just look at the entry I wrote that day.

May 5,2004

1am- not feeling so good.
1:15am- hear someone puking in the bathroom. It’s Tony.
2am- have cramping, chills and naseua. “The runs” set in.
3am- Still have all of the above. (The eating disorder in me is secretely happy becasue I’ll lose weight, then the protective mother in me gets scared, wondering if food poisoning can hurt my baby, so I call Kaiser and am told to go to urgent care immediately.)
3:15am- Take a shower, get dressed to go to the hospital. Listen to Tony puke some more. Check Ethan to see if he still has a fever, give him his medicine.
3:30am- Sneeze, puke and piss myself all at the same time WHILE MY HUSBAND WIPES THE PISS FROM MY LEGS. Continue to puke for the next 20 minutes while my husband runs and pukes in the other bathroom.
4am- Convince my husband that I can drive alone to the hospital. Get there and am hooked up to a monitor.
The next 2 hours, puke, diareah, puke, cramp, and cry.
6am- Freak out because they tell me they are going to have to hook me up to an IV.
6:15am- Get one vein poked, prodded and poked some more with IV, cry and moan in pain, almost pass out at the site of blood because the vein collasped. Another nurse comes in, tries again in the same area. Fails. Pokes the other arm, fails. I cry and cry and moan and beg them to let me go home. Finally, the IV is inserted.
7am- Given a shot in the hip to stop the throwing up. Cry more from the stinging pain.
8-11- Get up to go to the bathroom ever 5 minutes. Find out my husband dropped the kids off at my mom’s house, only to be sent home for puking.
12- Have blood drawn.
4pm- Given another shot for the vomiting, this time through the IV tube, SCREAM IN PAIN BECAUSE IT BURNS AND STINGS SO FUCKING BAD.
4-7pm- sleep, shit, sleep and shit again. Finally am released.
7:30pm- Go to pick up the boys at my mom’s house. Find Andrew on her bathroom floor crying that he’s going to throw up but he’s afraid he’ll choke and not be able to breathe (just like me) Ethan is burning up with fever. I have the shits again, my body aches.
Now I sit here, still feeling like shit, still having the shits, taking care of 2 sick boys, one who is terrified to throw up.
So, how the hell was YOUR DAY?

Good times, good times.
They didn’t give Ethan a shot, instead, they did exactly what Tony said they would do and told Tony to keep him hydrated.
Not that Tony rubbed that in my face or anything. (because, you see, he was against taking him because “what are they going to do to help him? All they’ll do is tell us to keep him hydrated” but I was like “but they can give him a shot! Like they gave me! Go, he’s yellow and I’m scared!!”) Tony-1 Me-0
Yes, after being married for just two days short of 15 years, keeping score is VERY important.
It occured to me last night that in the history of me having kids, I’ve never ONCE had to clean up a “puke” disaster. Never. Once.
My husband has done it every single time.
Before you get all “you spoiled bitch!” on me, listen to this… One time? My dog’s ass EXPLODED all over my kitchen and dog shit splattered on the walls, kitchen chairs and on every inch of the kitchen floor, and when I called my husband screaming, crying and begging, he REFUSED to come home from work to clean it up and I had to cut boxes into pieces and scoop RUNNY DOG SHIT into a big black trash bag whilst gagging and throwing up a little in my mouth. So, WE’RE TOTALLY EVEN.
And that concludes today’s discussion on dog shit, pissing oneself and puke.

13 thoughts on “This is what you get when I try to write while The Girl is awake.

  1. Hed

    Poor Ethan! Hope he feels better soon! And good lord. Where did you guys eat… the last time this happened?
    Remind me never to go there!

  2. Y

    Funny story… at my grandmother’s FUNERAL DINNER.
    Yeah, someone forgot to tell The Ladies that you can’t let macaroni salad sit in the car when it’s 100 DEGREES outside.

  3. Xdm

    God. That reminds me of the time my mother-in-law tried to kill us with an under cooked turkey. My husband came running into the bathroom. I was on the toilet already, so he threw up in the tub.

  4. marie b.

    poor kid.
    i know what he’s going through – i had food poisoning so bad a couple weeks back that my veins had closed up from dehydration.
    i vomited for 12 hours straight, and eventually had to be connected to an IV for another six.

  5. Michelle

    You can always try Emetrol- sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t. You can get it at most pharmacies and Wal-Mart in the med. aisle. It’s an anti-nausea medicine.
    And I have three kids myself and have never once had to clean up a puke mess or shit blowout that went beyond soiling the child’s clothes or sheets. Thank god for husbands. That’s what they’re there for. 😉 I’m like you- I can’t handle the smell or the knowledge that I’m touching human waste. *cringe*

  6. Jessica

    oh you have no idea!!! when my son was 3 years old, he got his first major stomach virus… at 12:30pm, he woke me up. it was very unpleasant… he didn’t say “mommy, i don’t feel good”… he said “mommy.. BLAGHHH!!!”. threw up on my face! not a great way to wake up. all i could think was A) how do i clean this up without being able to open my eyes or mouth to see if he’s ok? and B) oh i KNOW every germ that was in his body just totally made it’s way into mine!. of course the next day i was all pukey… and he was fine.
    my son had a habit for about 3 or 4 years of throwing up ON me. he never needed cleaned up and i never had to clean the floor… but i spent a lot of time in the shower with my clothes on.
    so, all of you who have husbands who will clean things up for you… live it up. LOL

  7. Beth

    Poor Ethan! So did the other kids at school get sick, too? I would want to find out what happened to cause such a thing, and I would think the company that runs the cafeteria would have some explaining to do. I hope your kiddo is feeling much better now…

  8. Amanda

    Dude, you totally helped my diet with that puke and shit story. Blech. Hope the boy feels better soon.

  9. girlpease

    See? There you go with the bodily fluids again.
    And please don’t mention runny dog shit. We’re bringing home our puppy in 2 weeks! Don’t remind me of puppy shits.

  10. Lisa

    I found your site from a link on Dizzy Girl – thanks for making me laugh this a.m.! Not that it’s funny to have sick kids, and to be sick yourself, (I’ve had that more times than I care to count) but….it was funny to hear how you described it all. 🙂

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