Another “First” That Made Mommy Cry.

My house is quiet.
No “Yo Gabba Gabba” blasting in the background.
No sounds of dress up shoes clanking on the kitchen floor.
No screams of “Mom! I’m done! Come wipe my butt.”
Dead silence.
This is what I’ve wanted for so long. This is what I’ve closed my eyes and wished for.
So why does it make me want to cry? Why is it that the only thing that I can think of is to get in my car, hop onto the freeway and pick up my little girl from day care?
Yes—today was my daughter’s first day of day care.
Ever since I started working for BlogHerAds, I knew that the day would come where I would have to find a preschool/childcare for G-Unit for at least a couple of days a week. But I’ve been too chicken shit to actually go through with it.
She’s the daughter that I never thought I’d have.
She’s the last baby that I will ever have.
Picture 13321 copyI love being home with her, spending my mornings (in between working) laying on her bedroom floor, drawing happy face after happy face after happy face (because Good God Almighty, the girl is obsessed with drawing happy faces!).
I love dancing with her in my messy bedroom to Beauty and the Beast 20 times in a row.
I love her. And as cheesy as it sounds, I do feel incredibly blessed to have been able to be full time mom to her for these past 3 years, something that I didn’t get to do with my boys.
But I think “it’s time” that I expand her world a little bit while at the same time freeing up some time for me to do the things that I need to do.
I believe that this is going to be good for both of us.
She needs to be around other children, she needs to learn that it’s ok to not spend every second of her life with Mommy.
I need these couple days a week to be able to concentrate on work and on all of the housework that I’ve been neglecting because of work.
And if I’m being honest, I do need a little peace and quiet to salvage what little bit of sanity that I have left in this non functioning thyroid brain of mine.
Yet, I can’t help feeling guilty and perhaps a little weepy that my daughter isn’t here, throwing herself on the floor whilst screaming at the top of her lungs because I had the effing NERVE to pour her apple juice in a BLUE cup and not in the pretty pink princess cup that daddy bought her.

54 thoughts on “Another “First” That Made Mommy Cry.

  1. Pam

    I sent #3 of 3 off to preschool 2 years ago. This year, I sent him off to “real” kindergarten. I’ve been having a silent identity crisis ever since.
    It’s extra hard to let the last one go…even if it’s part time preschool. What’s that old saying? Having a child is like watching your heart walk around outside of your body?

  2. Maddy

    You know 26 years ago, I worked full time and had one daughter. Now I’m a stay at home mum with 3 others. I really thought 25 years ago that choices would be easier for mums today. Sadly they aren’t.
    Wishing you the very best at getting that balance.

  3. Nina

    In August, when school started, and I sent my baby girl off to Pre-K, I was a little sad and had no idea what I would do all day alone!
    Yesterday, she was sick and stayed home from school…and that’s when I decided…she’d be on her deathbed before she missed school again. lol I LOVE being alone during the day. (I still miss her, but she sure talks a lot…lol)

  4. Shari

    Oh Y, I love you. No, I’m not drunk, just really emotional and weepy. But I do love you, really, and I love how much you love your daughter – you reduce me to tears every time you write about her. And I’m so, so glad you got them to listen to you about your thyroid and I’m rooting for you to get it all straightened out so you can get your thoughts back and your Horny back and start growing a lovely new ‘do.
    You rock, and your princess rocks. (But get the cup right next time, would you? That is serious business…)

  5. Girl on a mission

    I remember going down over the steps to my Kdg. class at the age of 5…..I remembering my Mom standing in the doorway- then turning to look for her familar face, and, it was gone. I remember running to the door searching and calling out “Mom?” “Mommy?” and then a teacher taking me by the and leading me to this HUGE sand box filled with tractors, dolls, LEGOS and shovels….my dream! I’ve never experienced the birth of a child (yet!) but, I can only imagine what my mother felt when she left that day….but, you’re words say it all. Little does your daughter know, but, you will some day be the ‘backbone’ of her life…and every decision she makes will be based on the support and guidance you provided from this early age. She’s lucky to have a Mother who would smoother her with love.
    I love reading your blog every day. It gives me something to smile about. You ability to hit the heart strings in every post is very rare.
    Thanks for making me smile again today.
    It gave me a reason to call my mother and tell her I love her.

  6. Mrs. Chicken

    It will be good for you both. But it is very hard, no? I sent The Poo to preschool this fall for the same reasons, and I admit that I cried when I left her that day. But now she is so happy there. I know I made the right decision. So did you!

  7. Beth

    These transitions can be so bittersweet. Your daughter will have fun playing with all the kids and learning some new things, and she’ll have stories to tell you afterward. But it’s so tempting sometimes to keep kids home forever; I know I would if I could. 🙂 *hug*

  8. Susan Getgood

    You need the time for yourself and your work, and she needs to be with other kids her own age. It’ll be good for both of you. At the end of the day, she can tell you about her day and you can tell her about yours. And she’s a girl, so when you ask, she’ll actually tell you, not grumble “nothing” and “I don’t remember” “-)

  9. Gabriella

    I just can’t believe how time flies! I still recall your surprise at being pregnant. I’m glad she turned out to be such a blessing for y’all.

  10. Kay

    Y that picture is breathtaking.
    I know it is very hard. I have one child, who is grown now but the first day of preschool KILLED ME!!! I had many of the same feelings as you.
    But then I learned to enjoy my “me time” and saw him learning more new skills both social and educational and knew that I did what was best.
    But that still doesn’t mean it doesn’t suck the big one.
    Have some bean dip. You deserve it.

  11. Heidi

    I can definitely relate to your heartache. I too just put my munchkin in daycare for the first time a couple weeks ago and of course had to blog about the milestone… it’s hard, always will be hard.
    I am sure she will make lots of little friends and enjoy her time at daycare…..

  12. baseballmom

    Ohh, man. The first day is so hard. Then you kinda go, “What was I thinking, waiting this long?” because you DO need some ‘me’ time, and it will really help her to be with kids her own age, and make it much easier for her to go to kindergarten when the time comes. I found that I appreciated my kids much more when they were in preschool for a couple hours 3 times a week…I had the energy to have fun with them when I was with them!

  13. ginny

    stop thinking already if it makes you weepy and guilty! kidding. i’ve got one more left and i’m sure i’ll be feeling exactly the same way.

  14. My Semblance of Sanity

    I think no matter what we do, we will always beat ourselves up about it…so if you are a calmer mommy b/c you are getting your work done and then you can spend your time putting and re-putting juice in the appropriately colored cup without the worry of what you SHOULD be doing than HAVE PEACE about your decision!

  15. Susan

    You really have the ideal situation — some alone time and some together time. If I could pick any work schedule, part-time would be it. I think it’d be easier than full-time SAHM or full-time WOHM. Easier emotionally, mostly.
    I envy you. I had 6 weeks at home w/my (now 12yo) son, and 6 months with my (now 8yo) daughter. I thought I was lucky to have 6 whole months with you! Can’t tell you how many tears I’ve cried over not having more time . It passes SO QUICKLY, as you well know.
    Anyway, like I said, I know it’s probably tough at first, but it sounds ideal – for both of you – in the long run. I bet she’ll love preschool!

  16. Sarcastic Mom

    Aw, I’ve begun to think about what it will be like when Braden goes to daycare (still a long way away)… reading this made me tear up.
    I’m glad you’re getting some much needed peace.
    And it’ll make the time with her even sweeter.

  17. Lauri

    I feel you
    I too am in a quiet house, my three year old daughters third week at preschool and I miss her like crazy but also love the 3 hours of peace & quiet.
    She is my baby and a part of me just wants to keep her home with me until they pry her out of my hands for kindergarten…. but this is good for our girls.
    I even get a school bus to come & get my girl & bring her back hom… I know.. how lucky am I

  18. josey

    i have to completely identify with girl on a mission up there. i dont have children, either, but all the same your sharing touched me! and i called my mom yesterday, too, and thanked her for not making me feel bad for crying every day during my first week of kindergarten :):) she got all choked up. she is so sweet!!
    and if you dont mind, i’d like to pass this on to you! =D

  19. incognito

    Oh my. The thought of sending my two year old to pre-school makes my heart seize up. Who will watch “Yo Gabba Gabba” with ME! lol…… Which, by the way, DJ Lance Rock is NOT DJ Lance Rock. He’s Gabba to my daughter. Just like Darius Rucker is not really Darius. He’s Hootie. *snort*
    I think after a week or two passes, you’ll come to love pre-school days. It’s a win win for all. If you find you can’t swing it, just bust out with some “Yummy in my Tummy” and all will be well.

  20. Mom101

    Oh, bubalah. You know you’re totally doing a great thing for her and you’ll have new experiences to get to share, like when she shows you her first scary looking macaroni necklace or asks you to take her to a birthday at her friend’s place. Love is letting go.
    Now just remind me of this when I send T off next Fall. Eek.

  21. MommyCosm

    This post reminded me of how I felt back in September. Princess started kindergarten and we made the difficult decision to put BamBam in a daycare/preschool so that I could work at home in peace.
    I was looking forward to the theory of peace and quiet, but the silence was deafening the first week or so.
    We’re all settled in now and it has worked out far better than we could have imagined. BamBam loves his teacher and we’ve actually become friends outside of school.
    Good luck 🙂

  22. kylie

    Oh, Y. This post made me cry! Because I know exactly HOW you feel. My twin girls are two and my husband and I just had the discussion last night that we needed to look into daycare, at least parttime for now. Keep your chin up, G-unit will do fine…I bet she loves it! And no one says you can’t turn on Yo Gabba Gabba without her, just for noise. Though, I hate that darn show

  23. Katie

    Oh, I need to go snuggle with my Kelly now. She’ll go to full day kindergarten next year and I have no idea how I’m going to handle it. I keep joking I’ll just ride the bus to school with them. (But I’m sort of serious…)

  24. Candy

    Oh, it’s incredibly difficult to let them go, but they need it as much as you do. Just don’t turn your head away too long, because they grow into teenagers awfully quickly.

  25. Rayven

    I felt the same way when my munchkins went off to school for the first time. I almost felt guilty about it all. But then I started to enjoy the little time I had to myself…totally to myself, and started to actually get work accomplished.
    You will get used to it, soon.

  26. Karen MEG

    Yes, that quiet house is the first thing that struck me too, and added to the little sadness inside. My daughter started a morning nursery program this September…it was so tough at first, but I knew she’d love it. And now that I’ve picked up some work as well, we both really need the time. But it is tough after being with her 24/7 for almost 3 years… she’s still my baby. I never had that with baby number one either, so I empathize wholeheartedly.

  27. mauniejames3

    Young son was suspended from pre-school for being in the play house with a little girl and they had their pants down..ah..the memories his first day of K. when I left the teacher had his knee on sons chest and told me too just go it would be fine..should have known it would never be
    ah the memories

  28. Helen

    My last baby starts big school, 8 hours a day, 5 days a week when we get back to the UK. He still likes a 3 hour nap and still has his thumb in his mouth most of the day. Four and a half seems way too little to don a uniform and ‘belong’ to the world for 8 hours a day. The mummy thing hurts sometimes doesn’t it? When I see how excited he gets though that helps, when I think of all the things I will be able to do…WHOOHOO!!!!!
    I hope G is happy at daycare, enjoy the peace ( amazing how quickly we get used to it!)
    And a quick question…why is it so COLD in So Cal right now??

  29. whiterabbit

    I feel your pain…..Feels like last week when my oldest daughter started preschool and now she has recently MOVED OUT! My second oldest will be breaking my heart and graduating at the end of the year……..that will only leave my baby,who is 11 and doesn’t want to kiss or snuggle anymore because “MOOOOOOOOOM I’M NOT FOUR ANYMORE!!!”

  30. Autumn

    Aw – crying~ At least you did have the full-time with her to this point. I worked full-time and had to hear about a lot of the firsts through my my 🙁 I know you have to miss her!

  31. Autumn

    You’re very fortunate that you had so much time with her for the past 3 years. I had to hear about a lot of my sons firsts through my mom because I always worked full time.
    My son is 8 and when he asks me to lay with him for a little while, I have to remind myself that he’s soon going to be a 15 year old that may not even want to hang out with his mom.
    Our babies grow up too fast 🙁

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