Did you hear that? I think it was the sound of my ratings dropping.

My lack of updating has nothing to do with the whole “fraud” thing and everything to do with this whole “thyroid” thing.
Things took a turn for the worse since returning from NYC and I practically got on my knees and begged the endocrinologist to increase my medication, but he refused because my levels were “completely in the normal range” except, he retested me and ” haha WHOOPS! You were right! You DO need more medication!” I knew it because for the past week I’ve barely been able to function. Tony’s sick of hearing it. My kids are sick of hearing it. I’m pretty sure everyone in my entire life is sick of hearing it, but you know what? I’m fucking sick of living it, so we’re even.
I don’t really mean that. I am very concerned about how this is affecting my relationship with my husband. He told me last night he “doesn’t know what to do for me anymore.” I’m not asking him to do anything but be patient with me (as things aren’t getting done around the house the way they should be.) but I can understand why he said that. I’m no party to live with right now. (I know that’s hard to believe based on these exciting! and beautifully written posts.)
So, anyway, that’s where I’m at right now and pretty much where I’ve been for what, the last year?

81 thoughts on “Did you hear that? I think it was the sound of my ratings dropping.

  1. tonya cinnamon

    hugs you Y…. it will get better…i think time was being a whiny ass bitch and ran away
    think its time to put a a all points bulltin on her ass and tell her to get with it…
    seriously though stress is hell as life is… tony perhaps feel ata loss cause he wants you better as you do and the kids too..
    its just that your version of normal will be different for a while…
    hope the levels increased on meds kick in good..
    hugs you tightly!!!!!

  2. pamajama

    For some reason men have to take action, they can’t understand that you don’t want them to DO ANYTHING other than LISTEN to you BITCH about what’s going on!
    And what he’s really thinking, at the same time, is “When are we going to have sex again?” Cause if you were doing that daily he wouldn’t even realize you’ve having a problem – lol.
    Just remember, all the chicks in blog land love you:)

  3. AmyM

    I hope things return to normal for you SOON! (Normal meaning before your thyroid took a dump.)
    I, being an anonymous member of the Internet, am not sick of hearing about your thyroid. So if it helps you feel better in some small way, then talk about it! It’s your damn blog, if people don’t want to hear about what you have to say, there’s a really simple way for them to avoid it.

  4. justAcliche

    I’m so sorry sweetie. It’s the worst when your medical problems start boring yourself. I’m kind of at that point. The subject will not go away (I’m a hypochondriac!) and even I’m getting bored by it. Things will get sorted out. Stay strong and vent all you need. I’ll keep reading.

  5. Marmite Breath

    Y, it sounds like your doctor isn’t listening to you. Can you get a new one? Haven’t you had this issue before, where he didn’t take your word for what was wrong with you? Don’t put up with that smack!
    Love you. Nobody’s sick of hearing about it. This is your life. We want to be a part of it.
    /end stalkerish comment.

  6. Kimberly

    What about getting a second opinion? It sounds like this guy is sorely lacking in his bedside manner so maybe there are other things he doesn’t have his shit straight about too. You know?
    I’m not sick of hearing anything. You are have a wonderful and unique voice. You take amazing pictures and you can sing Jesse’s Girl like nobody’s business. Anyone saying otherwise can suck it.

  7. mnroomom

    Why the hell does it matter to your endo if you get your levels retested. Even if it’s every week. Who cares. He’s not drawing the blood and he’s not paying for it. All he’s gotta do is read a lab slip and have a nurse call you. When I was in thyroid hell, I was getting draws every 2 weeks until my levels stabilized and the meds were properly adjusted. This is not your fault and I’m so sorry you still feel so bad. I love your blog and am thrilled whenever you’ve got something new up. Whatever it is. Hang in there.

  8. ali

    good for you for knowing to ask him to up the medication. my sister went through the same hell until she got them to listen to her. now she’s feeling great. so, love, there is light at the end of the tunnel. hugs!!!

  9. jeanie

    Oh Y!!! We all feel for you, darl, and want you to get better SO MUCH! So bitch away, really – that, and agitate for a treatment plan that is “long-term lifestyle quality” rather than “what worked last week”.

  10. Meegan

    Y, you are going to get through this. You may not look back and laugh, but you will reach the other side of this shit. And it IS shit.
    The “I don’t know you anymore” convo is, in my book, one of the worst convos one can have with one’s spouse. I know, because I have been on the receiving end of it. But we made it through…and I gotta tell you, drugs help!
    I really agree with those who suggest trying a new doctor. Also, and PLEASE don’t take this the wrong way, but have you and your doctor discussed anti-depressants at all? I think it might be a valid conversation. Just a thought. If you need more convincing, go read some Dooce. 🙂

  11. melissa

    My mothers boyfriend had a thyroid problem and before they decided to ‘kill’ his (thyroid), he was a mess. It really caused hardship on their relationship because he wasn’t doing ANYTHING!. So for about 6 months +/- he wasn’t really any help around the house, had no motivation, gained a bunch of weight, and complained a lot. After he was diagnosed, my mother felt really bad for how she was beginning to feel about him. Then she realized he was really sick. ( Your little teeny tiny thyroid can be a really dig pain in da ass!) Come to find out, my Grandfather had the same thing happen to him years ago and my grandmother told my mother that for a YEAR ( can you believe that!) my Gandad wasn’t himself and when they finally got his under control, she said it was amazing how quick he was back to his old self.
    So, the point to all my jabbering is that I feel for you, and know that it must be rally hard on you and your whole family. There is nothing worst than not feeling well, especially when you know why, and want results immediately. I hope they get yours under control, so you can get your life back to normal. Best wishes ~ jabber jaws/typer

  12. Y

    You guys don’t know how much it means to me that you take the time to tell me these stories. It helps so much to know that there are others who went through this and eventually were able to function normally again. Thank you thank you thank you,

  13. Katie

    omg, we’re living in parallel universes, as are our significant others. I’m having surgery next week (not exactly the most voluntary either) and his response was, well, what is it going to look like after? Yea, excuse me whilst I go kick him in the crotch.
    Men are incapable of understanding things that they haven’t experienced. I genuinely hope that things improve. It seems like it’s about damn time, eh?

  14. Jessica

    Ah yes, I’ve had that convo with my husband before about my weight and depression. Even when I told him that there was NOTHING that I wanted him to do for me except LISTEN, he’s still dense.
    Men can be such buttflaps. 🙂

  15. Ashley

    I just wrote this really long comment and erased it. I love you! And holy shit. Hang in there, sister. For real. The spanking post? I lost sleep.

  16. Y

    I love you too.
    and, oh, the spanking post. I will write more on that as soon as I can think straight.

  17. margalit

    Sweetie, I’m really concerned that this doctor doesn’t have your best interest at heart. It sounds like he’s a Kaiser doctor and is doing bottom line doctoring instead of listening to you and paying attention to your symptoms. Is there ANY way to get a different/better doctor? Can you ask around and find out who recommends whom in town? Because you need someone better than this. You need a doctor that is going to be really proactive and not just stall you until you’re falling apart.
    As someone that has been living with a chronic illness most of my life, I’m pretty astute when it comes to doctors that are a) fat phobic and b) working for insurance company’s best interests and not the patients. I think your guy is both, and not only does that suck, but it makes me FURIOUS. It is hard enough to get out of bed in the morning when you feel like shit every single day, but to not have your medical team on board? Just unacceptable.
    I’ll listen anytime you need someone to bounce your misery off of. I’m so there with you. All I want to do is sleep and I’ve got SO much to do…. it really is difficult to live like this day after day.

  18. JET

    so i come via jen lancaster.
    i had thyroid cancer 2 years ago and this whole medicine thing makes me feel like i am losing my mind.therefore i send you:
    and a few drinks to some brilliant doctor type finding a patch or something easier than this medicine thing. i can barely remember that i have kids to feed, let alone pop a little pill….how do they think i got kids in the first place. pills-schmills.

  19. Jenn

    I dont have much to add – nothing really – just wanted to reach out to someone whom I love reading – you are amazing, your photos are amazing, your children are amzing…and you, with all your flaws are AMAZING!!!
    Remember that, it’s tough I know…but it’s true!

  20. Jessica

    Kaiser sucks ass!!!!
    Their great about getting your kids in for colds/flu or shots, but if there is something actually WRONG they try to kill you, because your cheaper dead than treating for your illness. ARGH.
    Love you, love your show.

  21. Erin

    Hang in there. Your hubby loves you and I’m sure it is hard on him. It probably kills him to watch you suffer and be helpless. I feel like that all the time though, ‘if you think it sucks to live with me try BEING me!’ but no one sees it like that. My thoughts are with you and please know that you might not know me but you make me try to be stronger every day.

  22. Daren

    I’m so sorry you feel so miserable. I wish there was something I could do for you. Since there isn’t, I’ll just send ((hugs)) and prayers for a solution.
    P.S. This is one ‘rating’ you’ll never lose. Ev-ah. 🙂

  23. Jakki

    It truly sucks that you feel bad but this is going to be one of those moments in your life that will define you later on and the definition is going to be awesome…not like your not already awesome! You know your husband better than anybody but the basic genetic tampering of the male is to handle,conquer and take care of all that is close to him…right now, he cant do that and its thrown him for a major loop. What to do about it…i dunno. I’m a wealth of info today but please remember you have tons and tons of people cheering for you.

  24. Kyla

    Oh Y. I’m sorry. If they ever get your meds right, you SHOULD start feeling like yourself again. Don’t lose hope.

  25. Susan

    Y, I’m going to figure out a way to come to your house, do the laundry, put meals in the freezer, clean every nook and cranny and anything else that needs doing, (except for pighunter; he’s on his own). Then I’m taking you to an endocrinologist that will pay attention and will accept quarters as payment as I’ll have to hook on the corner during your appt. You are right to be your own advocate and exhausting as it is, you must keep it up. Please tell me you’re seeing an endocrinologist now instead of that asshat gp. As for pighunter, men are programmed to solve the problem when we want to be able to talk about it and discuss options. He obviously loves you deeply and is experiencing frustration because he can’t fix it. Finally, (are you so glad to read those words?), it’s obvious everyone who reads your blog cares so much. Write what you want whenever you want. You have a gift – might as well use it to vent about your curse. Hugs!!

  26. Kathy

    Y, your faithful will still be here when it all gets figured out. Hope you feel better soon.

  27. Alice

    That sucks. I hope that things get better (now that your doctor has LISTENED to you), and that you have a restful end of the week. I know it’s got to feel fruitless, but you’re a *long* way from where you were last year – you’ve been taking action on this, and while these delays are horrible, you’re on the path to feeling better. And we’ll be here for you while you figure it all out.

  28. AA

    Write whatever crap you want, I’ll still read it.
    I had a friend with thyroid problems and it took her over a year to get it all under control. So don’t give up or lose hope. She seems fine now and even lost a bunch of weight.

  29. catnip

    I’ll keep reading no matter what. It’s your blog – you should write whatever you want and screw the haters. I have much empathy for what you’re dealing with. So much of what you write is just like my life – just a different disease. Hang in there.

  30. Jenn

    I agree with others, we’ll read it whatever you want to say.
    This thyroid crap is really doing a number on you, you don’t have to feel bad about not writing “exciting” enough posts.
    There are so many of us thinking of you and wishing you the best. I really hope you are feeling better soon. And even if you’re no party to live with, your family loves you and they aren’t going anywhere. 😉

  31. Tracy

    Are you still seeing a therapist too? Just wondering if that could help pig hunter and the kiddos be a little more sympathetic. And straight up – you do seem depressed- which yes, goes along with the thyroid thing, but could be more than that. Just hope you’re still working on that too.
    And yeah – the fraudulent ratings freak – if they need a diagram on where they can stick their opinion, I’m fairly certain I could draw a decently deailed one…

  32. Ginny

    I have thyroid problems as well, I know how frustrating it can be. I think it is hard to understand if you don’t have the problems, I know I have a hard time understanding my own issues. I hope the med increase helps! My levels always come out ok, it is annoying because I know something is wrong, but my blood doesn’t shot it. My nuclear scans do & the ever enlarging nodule shows something, but that dang blood doesn’t so the doctor doesn’t care. Again good luck to you!!!

  33. Laura

    I kind of agree with the call for a second opinion (if your insurance will swing it). I don’t think you should be having to suffer so much…
    My thoughts are with you and if there’s anything a bunch of strangers from all over the country can do to help, just let us know…

  34. Angela

    One of my relatives went through this same thing with her thyroid. It took a very long time to get the meds right. I’m so glad you continue to write on your blog, and that your readers are so supportive. You need that right now.
    Sending warm fuzzy vibes your way..

  35. Sally

    Ratings, schmatings. Don’t know what they are or give an eff. I like reading your blog because you’re REAL. You’re brave enough to let us total strangers into your brain & your heart, & like the Cowardly Lion I wish I could find some of whatever you’ve got that allows you to do that. (Got my blog name set up about 3 months ago & that’s it. Cold feet immediately following.)
    What I do got is a lot of empathy for what you’re going thru w/ the ‘roid. My best friend has gone through hell this last 12 months or so with her thyroid. She’d finally (after 4-5 yrs of feeling like hammered shit) gotten to the point med-wise where she FELT BETTER, had energy, could think & communicate….but then New Doc told her to back off the meds, she was afraid my friend was going hyperthyroid, & that coupled w/ kidney issues (she has only 1) could spell bad news (or maybe the doc thought she’d get sued for malpractice.) AND, when she questioned Doc about the Wisdom of Decreasing the Meds, got the lecture about “well, your levels show this, HOW long have you been self-diagnosing & self-medicating?!?!?” WTF??????? Like we don’t know our own bodies; we don’t really live in them, we just rent to own. Anyway, backing off her meds sent her spinning like a turd down the toilet, back to where she was. I mean, Good God, how many times should you have to crawl out of a hole? So she’s trying to get her equilibrium back, too.
    So as the Friend of a Hypothyroid Goddess, I can tell you, it’s ok to bitch & it’s ok just to be where you are & I wish too that I could fix things for my friend, & even for you tho I only know you through your kick-ass writing. (Some of us girls are wired to wanta fix stuff, too.) Get a second, third, fourth or 35th opinion if you need to, but don’t give up on yourself. You ARE gonna climb out of that hole, & the view will be so sweet when you get there….in the meantime, just be good to yourself & know there are a lot of folks who really don’t know you but still appreciate your contribution to the insanity of the planet!

  36. kathrynaz

    Its weird how we don’t really appreciate our health, until it takes a crap on us.
    I’m sorry you are going through this; but please do not add the stress of worrying about “entertaining” readers to the heap of your worries right now. We all began reading your blog because of your candidness and willingness to share all facets of your life in writing. This is just the latest. Just think how helpful you have been for all of those readers out there who are struggling with chronic health conditions that have impacted their energy, self esteem and relationships.
    Wishing you wellness, Y.

  37. Lisse

    Please give margalit’s comments some serious consideration and see if perhaps you can find a new DR.
    As for husband, he doesn’t really need to do anything except help you believe that this will get better.
    You have the advantage of knowing your own body well enough that you know this isn’t the real you. Hopefully your family can see that no matter how guilty you feel. Your DR should be listening to you, he’s the one who can be doing something for you.

  38. Rachel

    Don’t let those doctor’s push you around. Just because they went to medical school doesn’t mean they know everything, including how you feel. If you don’t feel right then don’t stop bugging the shit out of them until you do. I’m sure it’s not easy to watch someone you love go through something like this. Your husband and kids probably want to help, they just don’t know what to do.

  39. Brandy

    Men are so impatient.
    I, too, went through Thyroid hell and didn’t know what it was until I read one of your posts. So, keep posting whatever you want. You are an inspiration.
    That said, seek another opinion. Your Doc isn’t listening to you. His/Her job is to do just that, listen. Not just interperet blood tests. Sending HUGS!

  40. aimee

    I haven’t had thyroid problems but I *do* have fibromyalgia, which can mimic thyroid issues. I’m always exhausted, always hurting, but I do my damndest to keep getting up, going to work, doing what I can in the house. And my hubby – who I know loves me and worries about me, but whom I would like to punch in the groin – said to me just the other night, “you’re always complaining. It’s gotten so I don’t know whether to try to help you or not, so I just don’t respond, because you’re always complaining so much.” Well, THANKS. I *do* apologize for allowing my chronic pain and fatigue to inconvenience you! :p
    Anyway — I understand your concerns about your relationship with Tony, but he LOVES you, he’ll always be there for you, and he’s trying to be honest with you. We’re all praying for you, pulling for you, and we’ll love you no matter what you write – or even IF you write.
    I’ll be praying not only for you, but also for Tony and the kids.

  41. aimee

    And PS – I totally support the “check out a new doc” advice. I’m on an HMO so I had to stay in-network, but I was SO LUCKY that when I looked for a new doctor (I got sick of being told “you need to lose weight” when I was in tears from the pain) I found one who has fibromyalgia, just like me. There are some great docs out there, Y … I hope you’ll go out and get you one! 🙂

  42. Denise

    This is where the ‘for better or worse’ comes into play.
    I’m truly sorry for what you’re going through, Y. I pray things get better right away. And I don’t care what you write about, I’m just happy when you update.

  43. Kim

    Honey, I get the whole feeling like shit thing. I was losing my hair, cold all the time and bleeding like crazy when my TSH levels were normal. Luckily, my internist checked my antibody levels and was able to diagnose Hashimoto’s Disease. I can’t tell you much better I feel on medication. You’ll feel better soon and always ask them to check the antibody levels. Your TSH , T4 and T3 levels will still be normal when your antibody levels are not. I now have my blood work every 6 months. I really feel for you, it was like being depressed and finally feeling normal. By the way, I love your blog.

  44. Angel

    I imagine the ones who are sick of hearing about the Hash aren’t still here reading about how you are worried we are sick of hearing about the Hash, right?! LOL The rest of us here, well, it’s a part of your world right now, and that means we want to hear about it.
    I don’t know what the fraud bid-ness is all about, but I seriously doubt that the vast majority of your readers think it is anything short of ridiculous. More importantly, YOU know it is ridiculous, so don’t sweat it. Just post a pic giving them the finger and ask if they think you had a body double, heh heh!
    Some people are gifted. There are a lot of ways to be gifted, but most involve some sort of way of communicating on a level that just seems to transcend what is typical. You are a gifted writer; what you experience, you are able to put into words that make so many relate to you-and that is sharing your gift with others. It’s gifting us. Appreciate yourself as much as those you are gifting do, babygirl!

  45. Caitlin

    I can’t imagine how you must be feeling right now, but I hope you’re on your way to feeling better ASAP. I get my thyroid tested as part of my annual physical and your story is part of the reason for it. All I can say is, look on the bright side: maybe your sons will have the opportunity to learn a little about self-sufficiency and contributing to the household…my mom went through a weird sickness that they couldn’t diagnose (at least, not that I now of) but for about a year or so, we were on our own for getting our meals/doing our laundry/cleaning house/helping mom. It was a humbling and educating experience for us as children…and made me realize just how much work it is to be the head of a household. Feel better soon!

  46. Shannanb aka Mommy Bits

    Hang in there. My mom went through medication misdiagnosis recently. They were giving her medicine that was actually working against her… nice right. Now they have it fixed and she is feeling better but she is on more meds…

  47. Pam

    I guess I missed something. What is the fraud issue? Who’s a fraud? I’m so confused.
    I’m sure you’re sick of hearing it but I DO hope you find the balance you need to feel like you want to feel and I swear, I will not say, hang in there.

  48. Rachael

    See, I have no kids and a perfectly functioning (far as I know, ahem) theyroid, and I still love you and read you regularly. You big ‘ol fraud.

  49. Tricia

    So I never comment because, well mostly cuz I’m a chicken shit. I love your blog. I love that you share all this with us. I do hope things get better for you…
    P.S. What’s this shit about being a fraud? Did I miss something?

  50. hotpinksox

    Just started reading, I too have thyroid issues. I can tell you that is does get better. If you don’t love your doctor and/or they aren’t listening to you, find another one who does. I did and it made all the difference.
    Good luck! Look forward to reading more soon.

  51. Chasity

    You know the beauty of having your own blog, it is yours and you can write whatever you want. If we like and want to read it that is up to us:) Those who don’t can kiss it and move on.
    Sorry for all the drama and Thyroid issues.
    People don’t know what it is like till they have been there.
    Take cAre

  52. whitetrashmom

    Been there, doing that. Get a new doctor, anOBGYN Endcrinologist. (or something like that). It’s an “endo” that specializes in women’s hormones…usually will be helpful and they know that there are SO MANY WOMEN that have thyroid issues that aren’t getting help….so basically they will believe you. God love you and please email me or whatever you need. I am so with you.

  53. Susan

    Your posts really ARE exciting and beautifully written, even if they don’t necessarily feel that way from YOUR standpoint. That’s why we all keep coming back for more!

  54. DebbieS

    I still think we’re going to see you on “Mystery Diagnosis” one of these days. Hang in there, sister. You’re still the best =)

  55. Schnozz

    I second the call for a new doctor. I’m starting to get mad at this one, and he’s not even ignoring me personally!
    I hope you feel better soon, and please write about whatever you want without worrying about “ratings.” It’s a life, not a TV show. No one expects you to be over this by the next episode, and if they do, they’re hardly anyone you want to know.
    Thinking of you and hoping you’re well soon.

  56. Emily

    I agree with many above comments – you need a new doctor, because this one SUCKS ASS, and it sounds like some time with a therapist is in order because this is way too much for you to handle alone.
    I’ll keep reading, no matter what. *hugs* If I lived near you, I’d come over and you could blather to me all you wanted, and I would just sit there, nod, cluck comfortingly, and give you hugs.
    I still think you’re cool.

  57. jathre

    Thank you for making me laugh. I have lupus, and today I had a breakdown in my doctor’s office. You post was exactly what I needed to read– I am fucking sick of living it too! Appreciate you sharing.

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