Hi. Where’s the Bar?

I am currently sitting in LAX waiting standby for a 5:30 flight into San Francisco.
Scratch that. I’m now waiting for a 7:30 flight because this flight is full
Of fucking course it is!
I’ve been here since 12:00 this afternoon.
Flight was canceled. Couldn’t get on a flight til the morning. Then got confirmed for a 9pm flight. Then was told I could go on United, which was like 4 terminals away.
I had to walk.
Feet are swollen and tore the eff up.
Had to go through security again.
Got selected for the “random search” OF COURSE I DID!!
I’m sweaty. Tired. Angry. And ready to punch the next asshole who steps on my mother effing toe.
Seriously? Why must everything go wrong for me? And if you tell me it’s because I need to put “Positive Energy” out to the universe, I’ll punch you in your big, fat Oprah head.
I don’t even know what a big fat Oprah head is, but I swear to GOD, I will punch you in it.

37 thoughts on “Hi. Where’s the Bar?

  1. Kathy

    I have to admit that I did smile just a little when I read your entry. You really can’t catch a break. I’m hoping that the rest of the weekend goes a little more smoothly for you.

  2. holly

    Ick. That’s awful. Aren’t there supposed to be a zillion flights daily between LAX and SFO? What gives? Best of luck with the 9pm flight!

  3. Valeta

    A similar situation happened to me when I flew on northwest from Ohio to San Francisco. We ended up staying in the airport for 16 hours before we finally got on a plane.

  4. manager mom

    I think the big fat Oprah head is the thing sitting on her big fat shoulders. I hope you endure modern air travel and get there safely…

  5. DogsDontPurr

    Next time, fly out of Long Beach. That airport is much smaller and much much much easier to deal with. And if you have a choice on the way back, see if you can fly back to Long Beach. Trust me, you’ll thank me! (Even though I live just 3 minutes from LAX, I’m willing to do the drive to Long Beach every time. It’s sooo worth it.)
    Good luck!

  6. tonya cinnamon

    when you get on the ground get the biggest carmel latte you can find and relax for a few min..:). hugs you

  7. catnip

    I’m pretty sure I would bawl and make them all feel bad for me. Then they’d put me on a plane just to get rid of me.

  8. Katie

    Dude, I hate flying for that exact reason. Half the time I swear that I could drive to the destination in the amount of time I spent in the airport in the first place.

  9. Tammy

    Hate, hate HATE flying. Stuff like this happens to me, too. Of course, the last few times I’ve flown, I took 60-80 band students with me. Yes. Teenagers. A large herd of them.

  10. Tonya

    At least you aren’t dragging a toddler with you! Or worse, a toddler wearing light up shoes – apparently they could be BOMBS!!!! They have to test them for residue and take up even more of your time. Have fun once you finally get there – I want to go in 2 years. Hope to meet you then!

  11. christine Gill

    it’s cos very often life IS shit, my love. You inject humour into the shittiness though (that’s a nasty picture for your head) and that humour seems to get you pretty far, seems like it’s a pretty giant defense for you, and even if you are not feeling like it’s helping you, it is, for sure, helping loads of others who are in the shit.
    hugs to you xx

  12. heather

    oh boy what a sucky experience. i agree about a nice drink of somesort to help you feel better. just be careful of what it is before boarding b/c they have the right to deny you if they feel you have indulged too much which i have seen many of times on the show airline (a reality show where they follow disgrunteled passengers on southwest)

  13. Lauren Lehman

    Thats wretched. try to get into the duty free store, grab some Kahlua, race to the starbucks and immediately demand a Venti Skinny Soy Sugar Free Carmel MAcchiato with Whipped cream and room for Kahlua. Combine, consume, and relax.

  14. Elaine

    I’m sorry, flying these days is a pain in the arse. But…I will make every endeavor to use the phrase “Big Fat Oprah Head” as much as possible!

  15. Annie

    “I don’t even know what a big fat Oprah head is, but I swear to GOD, I will punch you in it.”
    You never fail to fucking crack me up, even in your most wretched moments. Flying sucks, it just sucks there is nothing good about it. It will all be worth it when you have that nice party with your fellow writers.

  16. Louise

    Oh, Y. I think today might be the World’s Worst Travel Day. I’m having one too.
    Rob and I left the house at 4:30 this morning, drove 8 hours (in our stupid non-air-conditioned car that has cost us so much in the past couple of weeks to fix it I am ready to just set it aflame), and arrived at the ferry terminal at 11:30 (because the ferry was supposed to leave between 1:00 and 1:30 and you had to get there a bit early). They informed us that our crossing was going to take longer, because they’re trying to save on gas, so instead of 12 – 14 hours it would be 17 – 19 hrs. Okay. Oh AND, then they mentioned at our crossing was delayed. By at least 4 hours. We sat in our car and sweated for 4 hours. Instead of leaving at 1:30, it’s 6:15 and the boat just now left port.
    Sorry to write a book and take over your comments; there is something wrong with today! Stupid travelling!
    But have fun at Blogher and cheeseburger party it up, yo.

  17. WendyB

    Definitely seems like the Travel Gods are not happy with BlogHer, seems like quite a few folks having issues. Hope you get out on the 9PM, just think of the friends you be seeing (and the Chee-burgerz!)

  18. the new girl

    Oh, Y. I was going to say that I felt so bad for you, because it really DOES seem like everything is going wrong for you lately. But I didn’t want to be all like, ‘duuuuude, your luck is SUCKIN.’
    But now that you said it, it WAS.
    Seems like you’re having a better time now. Thank GOODNESS.

  19. jeanie

    Oh, I am so tempted to use an Big Fat Oprah phrase here, just so you could come all the way to the other side of the world to try and punch my Big Fat Oprah Head in – mainly because if a few little travel glitches getting from USA to USA are going to create such a great post, imagine what you could do with international travel. But I won’t, because I would possibly have to kick my own head in after researching what a Big Fat Oprah phrase looks like.

  20. Amanda

    You make me so happy. Seriously. Mostly, I just lurk around and emote voyeristically (is that a word?) with you, but I just wanted you to know today, you make me so fuckin’ happy. If I knew you in the Real World, I’d stalk the hell out of you.
    Because you rock.
    Even the posts where stuff is going wrong, when you’re having a hell of a time, it lights my heart because you are a truly, truly beautiful person, and you handle things with such grace and humor.
    Ima lovin’ you. Hang tough. ($20 bucks if you know all the words to that song, btw.)

  21. Heather

    I am so glad I got to meet you this weekend, even for a fleeting moment at the People’s Party. But I just have to say that even though I’d already read the post chosen for the keynote, to hear you read it in front of the room…well, I’m getting chills just thinking about it. The emotion behind it was amazing. Thank you for writing it and thank you for sharing it in a room full of crazy ladies.

  22. Carole Hicks

    You need a vacation from your vacation. Seriously, reading this makes me not want to fly again! I hope you made it home safely and are feeling better.

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