To Everything There is a Season

Remembering Grandpa on Veterans Day. Today is the first holiday since my Grandpa’s death.
And today was the day that I would have picked up the phone, called him and thanked him for his service to our country.
Today is the day I would have told him how proud I am of him, like I did every Veterans Day.
But today, I couldn’t pick up the phone to make that call and it hurt like hell.
The initial wave of pain that I felt when he died has been replaced with a sadness I can’t quite explain.
A part of who I am died the day that he left this earth and today I felt the sting of that loss. I can no longer refer to my Grandpa in the present tense. That part of my life is history and a new phase has begun. The phase in which I refer to my Grandpa in the past tense.
I know there are happier days ahead and I look forward to the day I can think about Him and not feel an incredible emptiness in my heart. I look forward to the day I can speak of him in the past tense and feel joy for having had him in my life for as long as I did.

23 thoughts on “To Everything There is a Season

  1. Andrea

    My prayers go to you. Grab hold of those memories, Y.
    Your photo of the leaf in the grass is so breathtaking and just perfect with this post.

  2. Erin Brown

    My Grandfather died August 18th, 2003. He has been gone 5 years and everyday I try to be the person he believed me to be. When he was in the War, he would sign all his letters to my Grandmother, “I love you all the time,” I try to live my life by these words. Love all the time. It makes the hurt turn to warmth and the sadness turn to gratitude. The empty spot is alway empty, but I know I am a better person for being loved by him. God bless. My prayers are with you and your family during this upcoming holiday season.

  3. Louise

    My grandma will be gone for two years, come January.
    I still find myself speaking of her in the present tense. I think it’s because she is still with me.
    Your grandpa is always with you – in the memories you carry of him, and in your children’s hearts.

  4. Norma

    You know, every year I say the same exact same thing you said to your Grandpa to my own Dad. He always laughs, hugs me and tells me that I’m the only one to say that to him. Every year, the same exact scenario. I’ll be very sad when it doesn’t happen anymore. He’s 80 years old, served in the Korean War and I love him very much. I love your pictures.

  5. eko

    What a dear photo! What a wonderful granddaughter you were and are still! There are not many whose writing touches (tugs/yanks!) my heart the way yours does!

  6. justme

    Just want to send you a hug.
    baseballmom. I have so many address books with all my family that has passed away numbers and address in them. I just can’t throw them away.

  7. kim

    i understand how you feel. my life has permanently been divided in “before” and “after” the day my mom died and all the “firsts” after that were horrible. first christmas after…, my first birthday after…, first mother’s day after…, her first birthday after… i know it’s hard to believe right now, but it will get better! xoxoxo

  8. Christina

    Even though he’s not here with us I thank him and all of our veterans for serving their country for us.

  9. mrs.chicken

    This upcoming holiday season will be the fifth without my dad, and it does get easier, friend. While I always miss him those days, the space he occupied is taken up with laughing children and busy travel schedules. It almost feels like he is with us now, in some way.
    I hope your pain eases, but I also know it takes time. Wishing you peace.

  10. Y

    I just want you all to know how much I appreciate your words and the fact that you have shared your own personal stories with me.
    They help me more than you know.

  11. lynne

    Eventually you will. I know it seems improbable now. My Dad had a degenerative disease for years which attacked him brain and robbed him of his personality leaving him a confused, often violently angry stranger in place of my former kind and exhuberant dad. I was haunted by images of his anger and suffering for years but now six year after his death the strongest memory I have of him is his laughter.
    Could you take some comfort that you were the best grandaughter a grandad ever could wish for. What you had is special. And if you experience love like in your life, this it proves you are worthy of love and I promise you, that the love will wrap itself around you like a protective blanket. You might not feel this now but one day you will.

  12. Paige

    I lost my grandmother when I was pregnant with my daughter. My daughter looks and acts exactly like her and that is such a comfort. However whenever I see an older woman that looks the age that my grandmother would be today, it pinches my heart. I”m sorry for your loss, grandparents are precious.

  13. Lurker Girl

    Oh Y–it will get easier, I promise. It really sucks and it’s so hard to move on.
    Like Norma above, I have yet to delete my (Step)Dad’s phone number from my cell phone OR to take his email address out of my address book. I just cannot do it. It will be 2 years next month and I still struggle. But now we talk about him and remember him and only very rarely do any of us break down into tears.
    Peace & Blessings to you

  14. mrsdoxtater

    “A part of who I am died the day that he left this earth and today I felt the sting of that loss.”
    I 100% relate to this. This is how I feel every single day. And it gets worse on the holidays. I am so sorry for your loss. I hope you find peace soon, I know what you are going through.
    I lost my dad in 2005. The pain in my heart over his death will never go away. He was the only person who was always there for me, the only person who understood and never judged me. He was not only my dad but my best friend. Each passing day gets harder without him and I fear my heart will never mend… That was straight from the heart and hurt like hell to write.
    *hugs* I’m thinking of you…

  15. Brandy

    I know it sounds cliche’, but time truly does help. The sadness never goes away, but is dampened. HUGS to you.

  16. Susan

    That’s the part I have missed the most in the past 7 years–picking up the phone to tell my mother something, whether it be to thank her, get her advice, share something about the kids, or ask something that no one else would know anything about. It’s the not being able to pick up that phone and call her that kills me.
    I’m sorry, Y.

  17. patois

    We planted the poppies on another uncle’s grave on Remembrance Day in England. Because Uncle Ken always did that, but now there is no more Uncle Ken here. I’m so sorry for you.

  18. Alias Mother

    I lost my father when I was 22. It does take time, and nothing but time, but you will get where you need to be. Eventually. You said, “A part of who I am died the day that he left this earth.” It gets easier when you realize that this isn’t quite true. That is part is still there, it’s just internal instead of external.
    We never lose that love. We just lose the vessel that held the love.

  19. corin

    This post touched me deeply as this is the way i felt after the loss of my grandfather three years ago. the strangest things trigger feelings of loss. for me it was the first time my kids got their report cards. I almost walked over to his house to show him and when it hit me that I couldnt it was the most aching empty feeling. the day will come when even though referring to him in the past tense is hard, you will be able to smile and feel him close to you. we adopted a family for christmas in honor of him and have continued the tradition. little things like that help. good luck to you.

  20. Carol

    I’m just learning of your Grandfather’s passing. I’m so sorry for you loss. I went back to your posts. Your Grandfather died the week after mine. Mine was 89 years old and three weeks from his 90th birthday that he was so looking forward to. I knew it was going to be hard when he passed, but I wasn’t expecting it to be as overwheling as it has been. I didn’t really know my other set of Grandparents and when my Grandmother passed for years she didn’t know who any of us were anymore and as bad as it may sound I think it helped us with our grief. But with my Grandfather it’s pretty much the first close family member I’ve lost. Not only am I dealing with the grief of losing him it’s also stirred up my fear of death. The other night I read a book titled 90 Minutes In Heaven, short read and it helped. I’ll be praying for you cause I know what you are going through. Again, I’m sorry.

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