Yeah, riiiiiiiiight…

I was talking to my friend right now and somehow we started talking about farts.
She swears that she has never once farted in front of her husband. They’ve been married for 14 years.
I said “BULLSHIT.”
She says she just can’t do it.
Ok, what the fuck, seriously? It’s completely and totally natural. I mean, I know I take farting to new extremes, I have gas every other hour, but how the fuck does one control her ass muscles that well for FOURTEEN YEARS? And furthermore, why the hell would you want to? It’s a fricken’ fart, who cares? Of course, no one wants to fart in public, but at home, in the comfort of your own home? I am not holding back for shit if I have to fart, it feels good to just let go.
Infact, in our house, we comment on each fart made, like, “that one sounded like a machine gun” or “that sounded like a frog” Or the most used one “someone stepped on a duck.”
I just don’t believe her that she’s never farted in front of him.

Take that, miss priss.

24 thoughts on “Yeah, riiiiiiiiight…

  1. Angela

    She should sell her secret of ass control to the military. I don’t really know what they’d use it for, but DAMN — 14 years is a long time!

  2. Hey Lisa

    I can’t seem to make/allow it to happen when others are around. I head for the bathroom. Obviously, it’s not like it happens often. I *might* let it happen in my sleep, but more likely I’ll wake up with a stomach ache. My kids have no such restraint though, nor does my husband. They just let ’em rip.

  3. a different Bill

    Farting around my grandma was how grandpa used to get her to tell him to get the hell out of the house which always translated to “Yes you can go hang out with your buddies at the American Legion.”

  4. buddha

    Ah…I remember it well…the day my wife (Valley) first ripped one in front of me…I didn’t know if I should feel disgusted or proud. Don’t get me’s not a regular occurance for her at least. If it was…I don’t know what I’d do.

  5. buddha

    Ah…I remember it well…the day my wife (Valley) first ripped one in front of me…I didn’t know if I should feel disgusted or proud. Don’t get me’s not a regular occurance for her at least. If it was…I don’t know what I’d do.

  6. girl

    it doesn’t surprise me at all, Yvonne, that we wrote blog entries on the exact same subject. mine was a couple of weeks ago, though.

  7. Mike

    My theory is that the ones that try to hold it in are the ones who are a bit bitchier than usual…*chuckle*

  8. Langus

    I just found your blog and you kick ass. My MIL is 86 and my husband swears he has never heard her fart, ever. I am quite certain her husband hadn’t either. I can not imagine. It is an every 7 second occurance around here.

  9. pie

    I don’t fart in front of my hubby… I don’t fart in front of anyone, if I can help it. Wait, wait. I take it back – I don’t fart at all. Or they smell like roses. Or something.
    Anyway, I still won’t do it in front of hubby, although he has no qualms about stinkin’ up the place constantly around me.

  10. keith

    wife thinks hers are funny, ’cause she’s usually SBD (silent but deadly) in the bedroom. i returned the favor in the worst possible way one weekend, with a bona fide GFA (green fog alert) inside the car while in the drive-thru car wash. no ability to roll down windows or exit the vehicle. she doesn’t think it’s quite so funny, anymore.

  11. Jane

    Lmao! This is one of my favorite topics.
    I LOVE to fart. I take an immense amount of pride in farting. Fart is art. I can fart longer and louder than most guys. I admit I do try to control myself while out in public, but at home, LOOK OUT!

  12. dania

    Omg girl you talk about the most fucked up things lol…
    I’m not answering this question on grounds of embarassment 😉

  13. Michelle

    There is a lot of farting going on in my house. I sometimes think I would never be able to get a new man if mine left, I am sooo gassy! Now that I think aboout it…I don’t even think I would want another man but that is a whole different story..:)
    FART AWAY Girl and dont forget about the dutch oven lovin!

  14. Azure

    between me and hubby, i’m amazed the kids are still alive from all the fumes and shit…his are, by far, worse than mine though…and more frequent…oh, and don’t ever let me eat dried apricots or bananas if you’d like to retain your sense of smell…;) bwaaaaahahahaha

  15. Kevin

    Ahh… What is a fart but the lonely cry of an imprisoned turd…
    We just try to come up with new terms for farting all the time.
    I dropped ass…
    I f’d…
    I just floated a biscuit

  16. BillH

    I can’t believe it – 14 years and she hasn’t farted in front of him? (I’ll bet she says she has never masturbated either, huh?) The wife and I both farted in front of each other in our dating days; kind of happens when you drink a lot of cheap beer – you get gas. We’ve been married nearly 25 years and still laugh like teenagers when one of us cracks one off that sounds a little off; well at least when we don’t have company we laugh!

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