Last night I was excited to get back into “the gym scene” as I have slacked off lately.
I’ve missed 3 Aerobic Dance classes in a row. Which is a record for me because I NEVER miss Aerobic Dance Class.
Imagine my HORROR when some lady who I do not know stood at the front of the class to announce that Anna had cancelled and there would be “no Dance today.” Instead, it would be just regular ol’ aerobics.
Regular ol’ aerobics are DUMB.
I wanted to walk out, but I was in “my spot” in the front of the room and didn’t want to look like a poor sport, but inside? I was throwing the biggest tantrum. And I was kind of mad at Anna, how dare she get sick, or too busy to come and teach me new moves. HOW DARE SHE.
The class started and I couldn’t stop rolling my eyes. No! Seriously. I kept rolling my eyes and sighing. IT WAS SO DUMB.
About halfway through the Dumbest Routine Ever, she decided to throw in a few token, but TOTALLY DUMB dance “moves.” If you can even call them “moves.”
At that point, my eyes almost got stuck in the back of my head from the rollage because DO NOT EVEN TRY TO PRETEND LIKE YOU ARE AEROBIC DANCE INSTRUCTING, YOU POSER.
I really was hating the instructor at this point, because The Lameness was overwhelming, but then, she said five little words and TOTALLY REDEEMED HERSELF.
Make the moves your own.
Sweet Mother of Aerobic Dance. She had just given me permission to bust out my Aerobic Dance Greatness. I don’t think she realized the monster she was unleashing by uttering those words because HOLY CRAP, people, DID I EVER MAKE THE MOVES MY OWN.
I’m embarrassed now that I think about it, but in the heat of the moment, I truly thought I was “The Shit.”
She was all “Let’s do the charleston.”
So, we did the Charleston and about halfway through, I decided it was time to kick it up a notch and show her what I was made of and um, the part where you kick back? I went down to the floor and SLAPPED THE GROUND.
It took her a few times to notice, but you better believe she noticed. She was all “Whoa, look at how low she can go.”
Recognition from the intructor ACHIEVED.
Obviously, she was not aware of the fact that it’s best to NOT encourage me.
The chick behind me didn’t like the fact that I was being singled out for my greatness. She also was in awe of my TOTALLY AWESOME “Slap the ground” move and decided it was time (try to) OUT FREESTYLE AEROBIC DANCE ME.
She started doing all of these crazy moves, which made me feel like I had to “one up” her and so then I started doing these crazy moves right back at her and OMG. She wasn’t intimidated and broke out this one really awesome move (which, it kills me to admit that, but damn, why didn’t I think of hopping on one leg first?) Before you know it, we’re in this FULL ON (silent) AEROBIC DANCE WAR and OMG! I started to panic inside which caused me to get desperate and do things I NEVER would have thought I’d do on the Aerobic Dance Floor.
At this point, I think the instructor caught on to what was happening because, SERIOUSLY PEOPLE, it was pretty damn obvious and OH MY GOD, I can’t stop laughing just thinking about it because I MADE AN ASS OUT OF MYSELF but, because I think I am the Greatest Aerobic Dancer to have ever lived, I couldn’t stop myself. But, back to the instructor. She knew what was going on and wasn’t sure how to handle it. It’s like, she knew she’d have to declare “A winner” somehow, someway before a)someone got hurt by busting out a dangerous move b) someone got punched in the vagina because, honestly, don’t EVEN try to step to this, biznitch.
This is the part where I start to cry on the inside again because a winner was clearly chosen and it was NOT me.
The instructor liked one of the moves that my competitor busted out and said something like “Look at her go.” (And here is where I admit that I FULLY thought she was talking about me, until she verbalized what the move looked like and I realised that I hadn’t done that move.) Then, and, this is the part that hurts SO BAD, she asked the girl to stay after class to “brainstorm some new moves” after class because she really liked her moves.
As if having my ass handed to me in a silent aerobic dance off wasn’t heartbreaking enough, I had to come home and read that my sweet, beautiful, partially deaf Elliot was voted off of American Idol. I kind of hate America for that, but not as much as I hate that obviously blind and very dumb dance instructor for not having choosen ME as The Winner.

66 thoughts on “OMG! DANCE OFF!

  1. The Other Laurie

    “punched in the vagina”
    I laughed out loud and my boss came in here and I had to click off for just a second.
    I couldn’t explain why I was laughing.
    I hope I don’t get written up.

  2. Itchy

    OMG!!! I CANNOT stop laughing. And it’s one of those really loud laughs that I get…but I have to suppress it and it’s making my stomach hurt. But OMG!!! This is soooo darn funny.
    I bet she asked the other girl to stay after class so she can tell her how wrong her moves were and how to do them properly. She just didn’t want to embarrass her in front of you – The Dancing Aerobic MASTER!

  3. Culotte

    So I’ve been too wussy to comment on your blog because you happen to come out with the FUNNIEST SHIT I’ve read in months. Because sometimes I think my blog is funny shit, and then I read your blog, and I think, “Whoops!”
    But this morning I was thinking of challenging you to a dance off (read here:
    because I thought it would be totally funny. Like we would start trash talking each other, and then be calling each other out on the dance floor, like “You think you’re so bad?!” and then after, we would laugh and laugh and laugh because we are CRAZY BITCHES. (While I am not an aerobic dancer, I am still an excellent dancer, having learned the entire GRIND w/ Eric Nies workout by the tender age of 15).
    But I see that you’ve had your dance-off, so maybe I will just quietly post to your blog like I never had that thought in the first place.

  4. LotionBarBunny

    LOL! An aerobic dance off! But I bet she CANNOT do the monkey like you can!
    I’m trying to imagine the move you described of her “hopping on one foot.” LOL!
    And more lol to Culotte–Eric Nies!!! The Grind!!! You are bringing back way too many memories!

  5. Wendy

    It’s probably a good thing you held back in the dance off. If you would have thrown in the sprinkler, it would have been all over and feelings would have been crushed.
    I kind of wanted to punch American in the vagina after little Elliott got the boot.

  6. Sarah

    Oh my face hurts now from too much laughing. The images you conjure up are fabulous. I’d so love to watch you bustin’ your moves.

  7. jenfromboston

    did you know laughing also works your core? I have abs now, so thank you for that.
    I think this post gave me an asthma attack. anyone seen my puffer?

  8. chrissylas

    Ahaha… oh my god that is the funniest thing I’ve read in a long time. Y, you are my hero. Truly.
    I would have seriously paid good money to see that dance off.

  9. teresa

    Please oh please stop! I can’t even breathe I am laughing so hard! Picturing you slapping the floor and going all those bitchin moves….sorry…more laughing! Okay…now my side hurts…I must go!

  10. Vicky

    That chick may have “won” the dance off, but I bet she doesn’t have a totally awesome blog where she can go home and write it all down with such expression and detail, that her readers feel like they were there in the same room experiencing the drama….and pissing their pants with laughter!
    You won…in my mind anyways 🙂

  11. Amy

    Ha ha! Come on, Y, you MUST have been the winner!
    (By the way, Annika had her baby, thought you might want to know.)

  12. Linda

    Y – you are my hero, and the hero of every woman who dreams of “dancing like nobody’s watching”, but won’t (ummm – that would be me). I’d *love* to be in your aerobic dancing class!

  13. Kristin

    OMG… you’re Justin and Britney! I think you probably kicked her dancing ass and the teacher was just asking her to stay after so she could kindly warn the woman to never challenge you again!!

  14. Pamalamadingdong

    “Punched in the vagina” LMAO!!
    Man I would love to take a class with you.
    (See I’m the ass in the back of class pulling my friend’s Yoga pants down cause I SUCK SO BAD (but humour belongs EVERYWHERE)
    And this one class (low impact..pshaw!) Ida was our supply teacher…and we kept shouting “Ida” “HO!” Ida!” “HO!”
    she hated us obviously.)

  15. Meg

    I idolize you. I really wish I had the energy or reserve to make myself exercise. I can only blame myself.

  16. E :)

    Oh. My. God.
    You should totally go over to your competitor’s house and honk at 6am. Then she’ll be too tired to show up next time!
    See, that bad experience from the other day did come in handy. A new strategy…

  17. Lena

    Oh holy hell, I have not laughed like that at a blog post in a loooong time. And I’m harsh.
    As Paula would say, “You took that dance and you made it your own.” You did American proud.

  18. Y

    Oh my God. I wish I could pick you all up in my van and take you to Aerobic Dance Class with me.

  19. Amy in the Twin Cities

    As I’m reading this, I’m thinking to myself, “I know I’ve seen something like this before in…a movie? TV? And then it came to me…remember the old SNL skit with Patrick Swayze and Chris Farley as competing Chippendale dancers? For some reason this reminded me of that, and I can’t decide which was funnier. Bravo.

  20. Anna May

    Yeah Yeah Yeah… I was just reading this in the study cracking up laughing when my husband came running in asking me if I was alright as he though I was screaming – That’s how loud I was laughing!! I wish there was some rich guy out there who would pay for you to make your own exercise DVD. It would certainly motivate me and surely all that laughing would be good for my abs right?

  21. jules

    Okay-you really, REALLY need to put this post in your Hall of Fame of posts. If you don’t have a Hall of Fame-you really REALLY need to make one. Damn, this is funny! I so wish I lived close enough to go to this class and “accidentally” trip that bitch or fart in her face or something. How dare anyone take the spotlight from Y!

  22. erinn

    Ok one easy dance move I’m sure you remember…. the group was 357….. the move the DROP……. just do it….. you’ll win…. I have to get out of my boring ass body sculpting class and definaltely go to cardio funk!!!!! there has to be a Y in there somewhere!… By the way, I hope your not pissed…. i am now “punching people in the vaginas” sorry to bite your ryhme.. im all the way in n.c I’m just representing you in the East side…

  23. Jennifer

    I got in similar battle with another student, as we were both trying to become the teacher’s pet. IN GRADUATE SCHOOL.
    Are you practicing your moves at home so you can kick her ass in the rematch?

  24. JerriAnn

    I wasn’t there of course, but I can’t imagine someone beating you, lol! You crack my ass up daily! Keep it up, laughing burns calories too you know?

  25. joy

    OMG! I SO recognize in that little missive, except for me it’s even sadder. I elect to conduct such behavior in my step aerobics class… if there is an option to step it up a notch, or add in a spin or a slap the ground/kick it up move, I will do it. For I am glorious fonda-queen of the steppin’ style. I could challenge that b’yatch to a step aerobic dance off ANY day of the week.
    thanks for the giggles–needed them!

  26. Anne Glamore

    HA! You better not show up at my Jazzercise class because I would totally bust a move to prove my greatness. I feel compelled to do that each time a new person comes.
    Loved this!!

  27. Jennifer

    That was a really funny story. You are always funny and I like how you can relay your personal thoughts in such an open way (almost uncensored!). I was really with you when you described how there was a different instructor and you almost walked out right then. I hate it when things become different at the gym. For me it’s about routine and some kind of “known.” A new instructor would have thrown me off, too. If I did dance. Hah. But I don’t because that would be hilarious. Thanks for sharing your story.

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