The wait is going to kill me. (Now with A (really boring) Update!)

In the 16 years that I’ve been married to PigHunter, I’ve never played an April Fool’s joke on him.
That all changed today, because today I got up at 6 in the morning, drove his car around the corner and parked it there. When he wakes up, I’m going to ask him if he’ll pretty please go buy me a coffee. When he sees that his car is not there, he is going to shit his pants and I am going to pretend to be very upset because “OMG! We do not have theft on our insurance policy! What are we going to do because we have no moneeeeeeeey?!”
I realize this isn’t the greatest April Fools Day joke, but I was too lazy to go buy a pregnancy test and draw a purple line in it.
THAT would have been the greatest April Fools Joke because, you know, he had a vasectomy.
Maybe next year.
4997-78DatsunB210GX.jpgI do know that he’s going to fuh-reeeeeeeeak out. We had one of our cars stolen when I was pregnant with our first child and oh my God, my husband turned into some kind of Mutant Super Hero.
He was hell bent on finding our car and “the perpetrators” who stole it. We’d be driving and he would think he saw our car traveling in the opposite direction and he’d scream “THERE IT IS!” make an illegal u-turn and start chasing the car. Once he’d realize it wasn’t our car, he’s apologize for giving me whiplash and say really dramatic things like “I’m sorry, hon, I just have to catch whoever did it, they can’t get away with violating us like this. I have to find these assholes.”
One day he actually called the police and asked them this question. “How much force can one use by law when making a citizen’s arrest?”
The dispatcher was like “Sir, why are you asking this question?”
And PigHunter was all “because someone stole my car and if I happen to see them driving around in it, I plan on making a citizen’s arrest and holding them until the police can come.”
Citizen Nerd says “Fuck with my Datsun 210 and I will hunt you down like a pig and CITIZENS ARREST YOU.”
You have no idea how badly I wanted him to find the thugs who stole our car and watch him take them down in a completely legal manner so as not to be sued or arrested him self for taking the arresting of a citizen too far.
God, I can’t wait for him to wake up already.
While I’m waiting, I think that you should tell me the greatest April Fools Pranks you’ve ever played on someone, or have had played on you.
So, this is how it went down…

He went to go get coffee and still didn’t notice that his car was gone. I found it a little suspicious that he didn’t notice his car was missing, so I thought maybe he had figured it out.
He came home from Starbucks and still didn’t say a word about the missing car.
I lost patience and decided to “bring it to his attention.”
I went outside to get the newspaper out of the car and came running inside.
“Babe, where’s your car?”
He ran outside and realized it wasn’t where he had left it the night before and I could see the look of panic on his face.
I started to bust up laughing.
“Very funny, Tony.” I said “I know you moved it to play a joke on me. Not falling for it.”
“I did not. Y, are you kidding me?”
I kept laughing and trying to act like I thought he had played a joke on ME.
That’s when he really believed it.
He looked like he was going to cry and also “arrest some citizen ass”. That’s when I knew I had “got him.”
“SOMEONE STOLE MY CAR, I HAVE TO CALL THE POLICE!” He turned white and started frantically looking for the cordless phone.
I wish you could have seen his face. It was awesome.
I had to tell him it was a joke because he was about to call the cops.
He did laugh, but only after he told me that he thought he was going to faint and that I had scared the shit out of him.
Again, not the best prank ever, but good enough for me.

45 thoughts on “The wait is going to kill me. (Now with A (really boring) Update!)

  1. Susan

    Now I can’t wait for him to wake up, either. I don’t think I’ve ever really fooled anyone on April Fool’s. Maybe today is the day …

  2. YewNorkBabe

    When I was working for the lawyer for the Amy Fisher case, we heard that our boss went out with his wife and another couple and accidently visited a gay bar in NYC. While they were there they ran into a district attorney that we all knew from the court where we all represent our clients. My boss, waved at him from across the bar, but because it was packed, he used a bit of a limp wrist because that was all the room he had. He thought he made the wrong signal, that he was gay, and as he left he felt very uncomfortable.
    The following April 1st, which was a few days later, we pretended that the newly known gay district attorney was calling my boss. We had someone on the other line asking my boss out on a date, saying that it was him.
    Because we have to cater to the DA’s and keep a good repoire, my boss was trying to be as polite as possible.
    We all had our ears at his door listening to him hemming and hawwing.

  3. Nicki Bradley

    I did the whole pregnancy-after-vasectomy thing last year with my hubby and group of local friends and it was hysterical. Brilliant. I love your idea, though, wish I had thought of it. We had an almost-stolen-car scare last month and it would have been great!!! Ah well, maybe next year.
    So what was the answer about how much force one can use when making a citizen’s arrest? You know, just in case I may ever need to know 🙂

  4. Y

    So, he woke up and I was all “hey, you should go turn on the sprinklers.”
    He was all “you’re right, I should.”
    So, he put some pants on, went outside and turned on the sprinklers. He didn’t notice the car wasn’t parked in the street where he had left it last night, so I pointed out a sprinkler that was broken in the middle of the yard. He looked at it, looked up (where the car should be) and stared for a minute. Then, he said, “Hm I ‘ll have to fix that one later.”
    I couldn’t stop laughing, so I just may blow this.
    I think he thinks it must be in the driveway, so, I asked him to get me a coffee.
    I’m much more excited about this than a person should be. WHO’S THE NERD NOW?

  5. Melissa

    I was too lazy to think ahead again this year. I always vow that NEXT year I will remember and plan some great pranks. I did hop on the internet and read a few ideas. I pushed a raisin into my kid’s toothpaste so it looked like a bug when it came out. Sorry, that’s the best I can do.

  6. Jenn

    omg lol. I totally forgot about April Fool’s. Man, I’m losing my sense of fun.
    The pregnancy one would TOTALLY freak my husb out lol. Am so trying that next yr.
    Sadly, I have never played a good AF prank 🙁

  7. Schnozz

    I beg you to reconsider.
    Someone stole my car as a joke once, and it upset me so badly that I couldn’t stop crying for hours, even after I was told it was a joke. It wasn’t funny for a long time afterward, and even then, years later, when the prankster DIED suddenly and mysteriously at a very young age, the first thing my husband said, “Well, that’s what he gets.” And we both knew exactly what he meant.
    Which really just highlights that my husband is evil. But I’m just saying.

  8. tasha

    last year I called my dad “from jail” and said I needed $500 to get out. I told him I had got really drunk the night before and got arrested for public intoxication. I was going all out crying and everything. You have to know my dad gets me & my mom EVERY year so I wanted to be one up on him last year. He fell for it to “oh my god, ok $500, let me make some phone calls, i’ll get you out of there mija”. I about died laughing. He admit I got him good and you know this year he didn’t even try a prank on me (at least not yet)

  9. Pops

    Well I think it is a good plan and the fact that he did not notice it missing yet is great…hell don’t send him for coffee wait till he has to go to work..better yet get him drunk and then asked him where he parked the car!! Keep us posted!!!

  10. Mrs Butter B

    2 that worked great:
    1. Back when the girls were younger, my parents got on this “I don’t trust Mr Butter B- he doesn’t talk enough- I think he’s up to no good” (Keep in mind- my family is Mediterranean and Irish and very loud and boisterous. His family must have grown up in a convent- very quiet, pristine and proper. My very wonderful hubby used to be completely freaked out when everyone talked at the same time, waved their arms around to make a point, etc. Keep in mind- his family’s SERIOUS SIN is to interrupt another speaker. See the conflict?)
    So anyway, I called my mom mid afternoon on April 1st, frantic on the cell phone “Mom Mom, you have to come get me and kids NOW!!!! We just got pulled over and hubby has a warrant for ASSAULT!!! They’re putting him in the back of the squad car now and I think they’re taking me in to question because they think I know something and DHS is coming to take our kids!!!!! (Insert fake sobs).
    My Mom, bless her pea pickin heart, went bucko. HOllering for my Dad and brothers and gathering the reinforcements so to speak. She was barking out orders of who should call the lawyer, who calls cousin deputy sheriff, who loads up what, it was freaking hilarious!
    I barely could squeeze in the words “April Fool” between my laughter and her commando style orders. It took 30 minutes to convince her, and then she laughed so hard she almost wet herself.
    It became the running joke (she told her friends and thought it was hoot) and everytime I ever called her on APril Fools (or the few days before and after) from then on, she simply answered in a deadpan “Let me guess, you need bail?”
    Number 2 joke- We are notoriously strict with our kids- religious, etc. Not liberal at all. HOwever, although our family doesn’t know it, we’re very open with the kids- all topics are allowed, no stupid questions. Our kids are better educated about sex than I am ha ha!
    So today my younger daughter (age 13) agreed to call her uncle (whose g-friend accidentally got preggo) and ask him “Uncle Bubs, how do you know when you’re knocked up? Cuz I think I’m might be, but I’m not sure. If I tell you what I did, will you tell me if that’s what caused my stomach to start puffing up?”
    Want to hear a grown man cry?
    I LOVE LOVE LOVE me some April Fools!

  11. moodswingingmommy

    Too funny! I’m too lame to devise pranks of my own so you all have given me some great ideas!
    I’m dying to hear how long it took for him to realize his car was gone! That’s got my DH written all over it.

  12. thethinker

    I have never been able to pull of an April Fool’s prank.
    If I tried the pregnancy one on my parents, I’d probably get maimed or killed.

  13. Amy the Mom

    I went into my coworker Todd’s office very late on March 31st and replaced all the default Window’s sounds with fart .wav files that I had copied onto a disk earlier. (Do you have any IDEA how many fart .wav files there are on the internets? LOTS. And each one is funnier than the last at 11:30 at night in stereo at the max volume.) Todd had some deluxe speakers attached to his computer, and I set the volume as high as it would go. I ran a test before I left and the sound was so loud you could literally feel the reverberations in the floor. I turned it down, because his father owned the company and I’ve never met a man before or since with a bigger stick up his ass than that guy and he was in the next door office. So anyway, Todd walks in on April 1st and logs onto his computer. He shared an office with his brother and once the farting commenced, his brother kept giving him looks of disgust and revulsion. (The brother was of course, also the son of the man with a stick up his ass and I can tell you-the nut didn’t fall from the tree there.)
    The look on the Todd’s face when he approached my office was priceless. A larger audience would have been better-like a cubicle environment, but it was a smashing success nonetheless because I had gathered the secretarial staff around the office to listen outside the door. Good times.

  14. Lisa

    OH. MY. Goodness.
    I can’t believe it’s 5:00 p.m. (which is, I guess, only 3:00 your time) and there’s still no update!!
    What happened?!
    Did he finally notice?!?
    This is worse than waiting a whole week to see who gets voted off the island or who gets a rose from the Bachelor or fired on The Apprentice! Your life is like the worlds best reality show! (On a whole other note, wouldn’t it be funny if they mixed and matched reality TV “tag lines”? The Bachelor could scream “You’re FIRED!” at the girls he doesn’t like and The Donald could give a rose to the team member that he wants to keep…)
    I’m a horrible prank player because I’m a terrible liar. I did, however, (almost) fall for one when I was about 13. The DJ’s on the morning radio station were saying that the phone company was going to be cleaning out the phone lines, so you needed to put a plastic baggie over the receiver so the dust wouldn’t poof out all over your house. I went and told my mom that maybe we should do that…I was very naieve!

  15. Beth

    Um, does that fact that you haven’t updated this post mean Pighunter has killed you? I really hope not. ;^)

  16. Danielle

    I am also assuming that you are under citizens arrest at this time. I’m sorry that I can’t bail you out.
    I’m not much for the pranks. I don’t mind little ones where noone gets hurt but I find that most often people take things too far. I’m very thankful that today is a Sunday and I do not have to be in a room full of third graders.
    I am rethinking this possiblity and might do the preggo test. Mr. Husband will poop his pants.

  17. Susan

    I’ve checked this site more today than I did that time when you had permanent marker on your computer screen. You sure have a way with cliffhangers.

  18. ~T

    My kids (ages 7 and 8) woke me up at 6 this morning to borrow a jar of Vasaline. I followed them to their little task. Turns out, they lubed the back of the steering wheel and gear shift in my hubby’s car. Clever Clever for their ages.

  19. Mrs Butter B

    Anyone else want to start a betting pool on what happened?
    A) He Barney Fife’d her and she’s on lock down in the basement
    B) She forgot about the prank or got distracted, and he called the real police and she got locked up Fur Real for filing a false police report (Can you pay bail through Paypal?)
    C) He pranked her with something worse- like superglue to the fingertips, and they’re sitting in the ER at the local hospital
    D) She’s still waiting for him to notice that its gone (He is just a man- they aren’t always quick to pick up on subtle clues or innuendos. Or missing things, like kids, and cars and empty bean dip cans)
    I’m voting C.

  20. Lola

    I tied our bedroom door shut (tied it to the adjacent bathroom door) so when DH went to open the door, he couldn’t. Then we called him for breakfast and he couldn’t get out. Lame, but my 6 year old loved it.

  21. melly

    I’m watching Basketball from The Office, and I just saw Michael’s free throw. I am laughing so hard, my face hurts. I only laugh this much when I talk to you!

  22. Natalie

    Ah! I had a male friend (totally platonic) from Turkey who moved to the U.S. for graduate school–so he still had a really strong Turkish accent. He had never gone to Cleveland, so for April Fool’s Day, he and I planned to drive out to Cleveland and visit my parents. I’d sit down with TurkishBoy and both my parents and proceed to tell my parents that TurkishBoy and I had been dating for a few months, and at the end of the month, he would graduate and his student visa would expire. In order to keep that from happening, he and I were getting married. We were in love and if we didn’t get married soon, he’d be deported and I’d never see him again.
    Ah yeah, that was a brilliant idea.

  23. Angelena

    Today is my boyfriends fathers birthday. We all got together on 4/1 to celebrate which of course required a small gift…..
    We were at the H@llmark store looking for cards and came across the idea that we should most definitely buy a “congratulations on the new baby grandpa” card….. My boyfriend was like, I won’t be able to keep a straight face!
    It’s funny because a) we cannot afford another child and without going into details his parents both know it. and b) I was standing there with a glass of wine he didn’t even notice….and c) it was written up like HAPPY BIRTHDAY PAPA!!! your having another grandchild. ( we already have 3… 2 from my first marriage and one with my current boyfriend )
    I very affectionately put inside the card “Congratulations Papa… Due 12/13”
    His face turned COMPLETELY white. He sat there and just sort of stared at the card….
    I said… Adrian….. APRIL FOOLS!!!! He looked up after 5 minutes of complete silence to hear it was a joke….. yeah, he was happy.
    But then my boyfriends mom got ahold of the card. She really hadn’t been paying attention so she was about to get the second dose….
    She’s reading it…. DUE 12/13… WHAT??? ARE YOU PREGNANT?????
    As I stand there with a glass of wine in my hand….. Ilooked at her and said…. NOOOOOOOOO, April fools!
    hahahhahhahahhah, everyone laughed. Although I think they probably were swearing at us as we left….haha.

  24. Gillian

    I, with the help of my boyfriend and employer at the time, played a April Fool’s joke on a LOT of the online world. I’ll never be able to beat it. We published this article: about biting off each other’s fingers in an act of love. People were talking about it EVERYWHERE online, and most people believed it (including my mother, which was an awful experience, one that I’ll always regret because she FREAKED, dude). People still come across the article and write about it in their blogs as if it was real and we’re total sickos.
    (We’re actually still together, engaged and pregnant now, two years later!)

  25. ben

    Okay, I owned a Datsun 210, and we take our cars SERIOUSLY.
    I’ll come help him look for the Real Thieves. I will!

  26. Mallory

    LOL that is freakin awesome that you actually pulled one off. Once my then boyfriend got fired on April Fool’s Day and I fully refused to believe it, thought he was yankin my chain. That is, until his fired butt didn’t go to work the next day…

  27. JoJo

    I work at a hospital and of course it has to do with bodily fluids.. we have a secretary that does not like to handle any bodily fluids… so we put apple juice diluted with a little water to appear like urine…then we set it on her desk…. just like that in a cup sitting there in the middle of her desk.. she would not touch it and said “Somebody do something with this” (pinching her nose up and making a face like get this shit off my desk).. so I casually grabbed it and drank it all up and said “Yep they definitely have a bladder infection..I can taste it.” She about died… this woman is miss prim and proper…The look on her face is one I will go to my grave NEVER forgetting….Now for next year.. maybe a brownie shaped like a piece of poo…oh I can’t wait…and with nuts of course…HAHAHAHAHA

  28. Emily

    JoJo, you need to put a tootsie roll in the microwave for a few seconds – just long enough to get it soft and moldable. Enjoy!

  29. Mrs Butter B

    That rocks!!!!
    (Am I the only one that has been checking this almost hourly? I really need to develop a few new hobbies. Soon.)

  30. Mom101

    I love that you covered your own giggles by saying that it was his joke on you. You’re quick on your feet! Ever thought of doing stand-up…?

  31. Nina

    Oh, that’s good! hahahaha I can never come up with anything good. My husband plots all year for his April Fool’s jokes.
    I was going to do the pregnancy test thing, but didn’t think about it in time to buy a test (since I have to drive 40 miles to get one!!). My niece is pregnant, so I could have had her pee on it for me. It wouldn’t have fooled my husband, because well, he’d know it wasn’t possible. haha But my mom, I could have very well killed her. hehe

  32. MamaToo

    I am falling-off-my-chair-laughing as I catch up on this. I could never pull it off, as I’m totally unable to keep a secret or a straight face. So glad you were able to do this & especially share it with us!!! Hi-Larious.
    p.s. my best friend found out she was pregnant (unexpected) on April 1. She decided to wait until the next day to tell her husband… she couldn’t figure out how to make him really believe that one!

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