Big (Potty) Mouth

A little background before I tell you about what happened yesterday while out shopping with The Toddler.
A few weeks ago, my daughter wanted to join me in the bathroom while I was taking a leak.
I happened to be on my period.
Without getting too graphic, Girlfriend saw the blood in the toilet and OHMYGOD! The questions!
“Why you bleeding mommy?”
“Does it hurt?”
“Why is there blood in there?”
“Do you need a bandage?”
I explained to her as best as you can explain a period to a 3 year old child.
“Sometimes, mommy bleeds when she pees, but it doesn’t hurt at all and I just put this hear little diaper on and it will stop in a couple of days.”
Fast forward to a stall in the Kohl’s restroom this afternoon after I was finished doing “my business.” (#1, in case you were wondering.)
“Mommy, would you like me to wipe your butt? Let me wipe your butt, ok sweetie?”
“No thank you, G. I can wipe my own butt!”
“Why I can’t wipe your butt? Huh? Oooohhhhh I know! Because you have blood? Do you have blood mommy?”
(Trying to distract her because there are people listening and haha, my daughter just asked if I had blood.)
“Hey! When we get home, do you want mommy to read you a story?”
“Mommy. Do you have blood in your pachina again, huh? Is your pachina all full of blood like that other day? I will get a diaper for your pachina, ok?!”
I can only hope she’ll be as enthusiastic about wiping my butt and getting a diaper for me when I’m 80 and she comes to visit me in The Home.

76 thoughts on “Big (Potty) Mouth

  1. Jenny

    Thank you for this – it made my eyes leak I laughed so hard! If you ever wonder if sharing your mortifying experiences makes a difference in anyone’s lives, rest assured that it did today. Thank you for the smile Y.

  2. Smiling Mom

    Seriously? How did I just now find your blog? I think that I’m in love!! 🙂 By the way, my Hubby just made an appt. for the big “V”. Your post the other day made me laugh so hard that I forwarded it to him….he wasn’t laughing so hard. For some reason he didn’t think it was as funny as I did!

  3. Rachael

    Bwahahahahahaha… you totally made me snort my cherry coke just now. That kind of hurts. But I still love you!

  4. Beth

    She is just too precious. 🙂 And I’ll never look at feminine hygiene products the same way again. Hey, maybe you could market pachina diapers! I sense a big moneymaking opportunity here… ;^)

  5. Barbara

    That is the funniest things I’ve heard in ages! I’m laughing out loud but can’t tell my ten year old daughter why because we haven’t had the talk about periods yet!! I’m waiting for the right time! I wish we’d covered it when she was 3. It would make things a lot easier now.

  6. Mish

    Oh, that is FUNNY!!!
    When my nephew was about Gabby’s age, he used to use my sister’s tampons as some kind of rocket launcher. It’d get quiet, and you’d go down the hall and he’d be pounding the applicator end on the floor, watching the tampons shoot out of the wrapper. She had to keep them up high for a while.

  7. abi

    Once, in a similar moment of public-restroom mortification, my son (who was impressed with my major accomplishment) remarked, “Wow, Mommy! That’s a really big poop!”

  8. chasmyn

    Oh my gosh, that is hilarious! I LOVE her for this. So damn funny, I cried tears of laughter.
    “You have blood in your pachina, Mommy? I get a diaper for your pachina.”

  9. Lisa

    Don’t toddlers just have perfect timing? lol I too have vagina story to share with you.
    While bathing my 5 year old son and 2 year old daughter, my son decided to help wash his sister by scrubbing her girlie bits with the back scrub brush. I gentley told him that it wasn’t a good idea to do that as it may hurt her. He replied “But Mommy, I just wanted to make her bagina sparkling!”
    How I didn’t laugh, I don’t know. Ah the innocence of youth!

  10. Loralee

    If she doesn’t want to wipe your 80-year-old bottom just tell her that you’ll have to spend her inheritance on Enrique, the hot male nurse you’ll have to hire to do it for you.

  11. supertiff

    once, when i was 16, i had my 3 year old sister in a crowded public restroom with me when she decided to say “oh. you don’t have any blood in your underwears, huh tee-tee? sometimes my mommy gets blood in her underwears.”
    now she’s older and i like to tell that story in front of her friends.
    and on my blog.
    and in the comments sections of other people’s blogs.

  12. heather

    Oh god this is the cutest thing on earth. It’s a good thing you were in the bathroom, as I imagine several women peed themselves with laughter…..

  13. Elena

    sometimes my daughter will just get a tampon out of the box under the sink and bring it to me. you know, just in case I need it. In the middle of dinner. With company. Bon appetit!

  14. Veronica

    Thankyou, I needed this today.
    I found my daughter eating a tampon the other day. She had found it in my purse and it obviously looked tasty. She was quite upset when I removed it from her mouth.

  15. Which Box

    OMG, this is starting to happen to me, too. My daughter is 2, and attached to me like velcro – must be everyplace I am. She’s pretty observant, and vocal. I’m dreading the what’s that, mommy need a bandaid conversation. What do I say? Is there an official thing to say to a two year old????

  16. Suebob

    It must be because you are wasting your husband’s money on bean dip and not on parenting classes that this kind of thing happens to you!

  17. Jessica

    Oh god, I think I hurt myself laughing. Ow.
    My almost three year old sometimes sees when I’m bleeding. He says, “Ewwwwww” and then runs away laughing. Thanks kid.

  18. CATE

    Oh gawd, can I ever relate. My 3 year old son, in the restroom at CHURCH on Sunday said, “Momma, I need to see your hair on your bottom.” Only he’s talking about my PACHINA, not my bottom. I tried to shush him and tell him we don’t talk about that and that only made him whine louder, “But I need to see your bottom hair!” Finally, I told him I was done and he proclaimed loudly, “Great job makin’ potty, Momma. Now if you go poopy you can have a Twizzlers!” The one time he ever crapped on the toilet, his reward was a Twizzler.

  19. Paula

    My niece manages to embarass my sister like that at least once a day.
    While I laugh hysterically in the background.
    Little girls are so funny when they are unknowingly mortifying people at the same time.

  20. patois

    And I was mortified while waiting for my son to finish his duty (number two) while he talked all the time about how many more poops he had to do. Dang, who’d have thought it could get worse?

  21. Lujza

    Hey there…I’m a “lurker” but just had to write something this time.
    Being a mom and having a young daughter….that was so freaking hilarious!!! Thanks for the chuckle! Hope your “pachina” is okay?!?!

  22. Sarcastic Mom

    This is what they should show in the sex education classes in high school.
    No teenage prep queen would EVER open her legs again.
    That was freakin’ hilarious.

  23. Kelley

    Oh the wonders of a child….
    I was doing a million things at once and left a used tampon (wrapped in toilet paper) on the floor next to the toilet.
    An hour or so later my daughter walked in WHILE WE HAD VERY “SENSITIVE” GUESTS and held it out to me and said ‘Mummy you left your diahorrea in the bathroom’

  24. alayna

    Oh – that is too, too funny. Yes, girls are QUITE different from boys. How long did you have to stay in the stall before you got up the guts to leave?

  25. Elizabeth

    OMG! Yes, I had to explain to my 7 year old son why my pee was red one day. I think he and his brother took the news that ladies make a lining in their uterus in case a baby starts growing, and shed it out if a baby doesn’t, pretty well.

  26. Suzy Q

    Barbara, PLEASE tell your 10-year-old daughter about her period before she has a “Carrie” moment.

  27. Kelly

    OMG ! loL! Pachina? I’m totally going to use that word from now on! In fact, I will strive to use it in a sentence today! LOL! I have an almost 3yo daughter & almost 2yo son- so I’m sure these days are coming for me soon.. I’ll have to remember th pachina 🙂

  28. The Simple Family/sj

    My kid did a similar one yesterday! Saw my husband pee and said his penis was big, that Sam’s was small and that mommy had a “hairy gina.”
    I was SO WORRIED she’d repeat that at the store.

  29. Jonna

    Just found your post. So glad to know that this kind of stuff doesn’t only happen to me. My 3 year old son pulled out a pad while we were in the grocery checkout and asked if I needed another “diaper”. Fabulous.

  30. Harmony

    I’m another lurker but I had to comment on this story because it reminded me of the time my 3 or 4 year old son looked in the toilet as I was flushing the tampon and screamed “STOP! WAIT!” but it was too late and then he looked at me incredulously and said “DID YOU JUST POOP OUT A MOUSE?!?” I tried to tell him it wasn’t a mouse but he wouldn’t believe me because “I SAW THE TAIL MOM! I SAW IT. YOU POOPED OUT A MOUSE!” Thanks for laugh Y!

  31. Laural

    On the weekend my 3 year old found a box of tampons. Without further explanation I just said “they are for mommy’s bum.”
    Then my sister came over. He offered her halloween candy and she declined.
    Then he came running out with the tampons saying “want one of these? They are for mommy’s bum. Want one?”
    She should have taken the kit kat!

  32. Valeta

    How embarassing. And how cute!
    When my son was 3 he once saw one of my pads and asked me if it was poop. I told him the pad was a “mommy diaper.” He still calls them that. Its embarrassing at the store when he recognizes the brand I use and yells out “Mommy there are your diapers!”
    Haha kids.

  33. Helen

    HA HA !! My nephew did that to my sister, in a public restroom she tried to discreetly change a tampon.
    EWWWW! Did you just pull out that poo with your finger? Did you? DID YOU? If you did, that is FERRY ASTUSSTIN’!!!

  34. CRustybeef

    OHGAWWWWWWWW that was freakin hilarious! Glad I popped over from MY BLOG LOG twitter thing!!
    AWESOME POST! I know what you mean but with penis talk! 🙂

  35. Nancy R

    Oh, my. That totally slams my “Mommy, I have a little butt and you have a big butt.” innocent observation by one of my girls when they were about three.

  36. mauniejames3

    when my son and friends daughter were small it was peanuts and reginna…and like your little one they loved saying it…loudly…Mom!!! you have a reginna right? And Dad…he has a peanut…can I see your reginna..why not? you see my peanut…and so on…ah…those were the days

  37. Manda

    I just laughed at loud at this (I needed it BADLY) and my husband turned to me and said “what, did you fart again?” Remember how “romantic” life after husbands and kids seemed when we were teens? To my teen former self: “BAH, you’re an idiot!!”

  38. Dijea

    OK something similar happened to me, except it was why do you have a string hanging out of your butt (this was obviously before we learned girls have two holes). Did I mention to you I have two boys.
    This really made me laugh, I might start using pachina. I hope you don’t mind.

  39. Julie

    I am truly laughing out loud. It is dark, my family is asleep, and I am laughing like an idiot in front of the computer. I have a 3yo daughter and I soooooo have been in a similar moment.

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