I swore that I wouldn’t drink another drop of liquor for the rest of my life after being saturated with it the entire time that I was on the east coast last weekend. (Wine tasting! Coffee with Baileys! Beer Pong! No, seriously, BEER PONG!!) But! When I swore off liquor, I hadn’t considered the possibility of the words “MOM! There’s a snake in our backyard!!” being uttered from my children’s mouth just two days after my return home.
That’ll make a girl pop open the $2.99 bottle of Wild Vines she’s been saving for that special night when her husband wants sex and she’s like “I AM TOO TIIIIIIRED.” And he’s all “have a glass of wine and just lay there.” And she’s all “Dude, that sounds so awesome. Give me a few minutes to chug some of this shit down and get naked!”
My old neighborhood was not the kind of place I was proud to live. People stabbing each other, people having sex in my front yard, drug deals, restraining orders, rat infested neighbors, tweekers and so on and so forth, but at least I never had to worry about snakes slithering about in my backyard, or fearing for my life when I went to take the garbage out because OH MY GOD RACCOONS! AND COYOTES! AND MOUNTAIN LIONS!
I don’t know if this bottle of wine is enough to calm my nerves right now because Dudes. A snake. In my backyard.
UPDATE!!
After consulting Google, PigHunter is 100% convinced that the snake we found in our backyard is a harmless Garter snake.
And so a cage was built (without my permission) and a new pet was welcomed by everyone (except me) into our family.
Meet Sneaky The Snake.
For “The Record,” I’m SO not ok with this and if I have this crazy feeling that Sneaky just might “accidentally” escape from his cage while the boys are at school.
P.S. DEAR INTERNET,
WE’RE NOT ACTUALLY GOING TO KEEP THE SNAKE. WE WILL SET HIM FREE TONIGHT! So! You can stop worrying about the snake now! Apparently, PigHunter just wanted the boys to experience the snake up close and personal for a bit, but tonight, we shall set him free!
Full Length Version IS NOT AVAILABLE SO DO NOT EVEN ASK.
Next time you’re in New York City and you’ve been drinking and you meet up with a bunch of friends to do a little karaoke and Jesse’s Girl comes on and lose your shit because OHMYGOD JESSE’S GIRL IS ON, grab the microphone and proceed to sing 3 steps off key/20 seconds off time and think it would be really cool to do a Microphone Air Drum Move, you miiiiiiiiight wanna make sure that there aren’t any video cameras in the room ahead of time, unless you’re 100% ok with the sober internet seeing it in the future.
Why Can’t I Find a Woman Like That? from mizzjenny on Vimeo.
The Bloody Feet.
New York,
You kill me.
The walking, the honking. the random crazy ass bitches who wanna shank me in times square for no reason at all, the public urinating, the pushing, the shoving, the NOT SAYING I’M SORRY OR EXCUSE ME, the constipation (New York, you constipate me) the loud ass mother fucking early morning bells, the over priced EVERYTHING… and yet? I love you and would go back tomorrow. Ok, maybe not tomorrow, but most definitely after the ex-lax kicks in and I’m feeling “regular” again.
Lots of pictures and stories to come…
She knows me.
Tonight while I was blow drying my daughter’s hair before saying goodbye to her, she reached out, wrapped her hands tightly around my neck and said “I’m just so happy for you, Mommy. I don’t know what prompted her to say it, because she’s been crying all day when we talk about me leaving on a plane, but I do know that was exactly what I needed to hear.
I’ll think of that moment every time I feel like crying tomorrow. Well, THAT and also…
This.
I mean, how can I cry when I think of my little Tammy Faye giving me TWO THUMBS UP?
(comments will be held for approval while I’m gone. I don’t want my blog getting killed by spam.)
Rushed (and also: Jers-ay!!)
I’m insanely busy because I’ll be leaving tomorrow at 4 in the morning (!!) and I have packing to do and meals to plan and meatballs to make and lists to type and laundry to do and WHY DO I WAIT TIL THE LAST MINUTE TO DO EVERYTHING?
My kids are going to stay the night with my mom tonight and I keep cry every time that I think about not being able to kiss them goodbye when I leave for the airport. I’m such a wimp when it comes to leaving my family. I’m sure I’ll cry on a few shoulders while I’m away, lucky every single person who talks to me while I’m gone!!
I was pretty stressed about my weight and seeing people that I’ve not seen in a long time (or in EVER) but then a friend sent me an email that helped me snap out of it.
And you being big bothers you more than it bothers everyone else, you know, which is understandable…, but its also not like every time you write to me I’m thinking “oh it’s Yvonne in her mrs&plus size shirt”. Dude, like it’s Yvonne . Yah, so what, she wears mrs&plus size.
I really need to get over myself, yes?
I hate being fat, I do, but I love my friends and for maybe the first time in my life I’m choosing to love my friends MORE than I hate being fat.
Now, if only I could learn to love to fly because, MY GOD, I hate flying and have been known to scream things like “help me Jesus” during turbulence. I’m not proud of that, but I also am not ashamed to ask Jesus to save me from death by plane crash.
I should go pack, but before I go, I have to ask you, do you read The Blogess? If not, you really should, especially this post. It doesn’t get much funnier than that, folks.
(Except, on her blog, it totally does.)
Extreme Generic Shopping.
I had to drive out to my sister’s house today. While I was there, she offered to take me to a little store around the corner from her house that she described as having “cute clothes for big girls.”
My very first thought was to say something like “Um, maybe another day!” because, well, shopping for clothes when you’re as big as I am is a leeeeeeeeeeettle embarrassing. But, here’s the thing. My sister has a great sense of style and I would have been stupid to turn down an offer to have a personal shopper. So, once again, I stepped W-A-Y outside of my comfort zone and went with her to do a little shopping.
I won’t bore you with the details of the trip (which basically consists of me saying “but this is way too tight!!” and my sister saying “YOU HAVE TO STOP WEARING THINGS THAT ARE TOO BAGGY AND ONLY MAKE YOU LOOK BIGGER!!”) But, I will tell you that I now have actual, real clothes that are not track suits and that they are kind of cute, even if I’m not 100% comfortable wearing a shirt that shows all of The Rolls..
If I told you that I got all of them there clothes for under $100 would you believe me? No? Ok, but what if I told you that that I bought them at a place called… ARE YOU READY FOR THIS?? Mrs & Plus Size. You’d probably believe me then, right? NO!?
Duuuuuuuuudes.
Translation: Old and Fat Wimmins! WE’VE GET YER JEANS RIGHT HERE! I mean, what else could that possibly mean? Why must it be so hard to shop for plus size clothes? AND WHY ARE THEY MOCKING ME WITH THEIR BIG YELLOW LETTERS?
But… $6.99 t-shirts that fit. I forgive them
Juicy “Fruit”.
I recently made the decision to start working out again. There really are no words to express how happy I am to be “back in the gym” so why don’t I just go ahead and show you a picture I took last night as I was getting ready to leave to go torture myself on the elliptical machine.
(No, you’re not imagining it. I really am that beautiful. )
I hate going because I am a total trainwreck at the gym these days. (Thank you, Hashimotos.) My legs have actually given out on me while on the elliptical, I start wheezing after 10 minutes, I have to continually check my heart rate (because I’m not supposed to let it get over 150). It’s embarrassing, man. And yet, I soldier on because I know that it’s crucial for both my physical and mental health.
I don’t have high expectations of losing 70 pounds like I did before. My motivation is purely to improve my health so that sometime in the near future I’ll stop feeling like I’m half dead and maybe have the energy to give my husband an unexpected blow job again! And if I’m lucky? I’ll drop a pound or two.
In other news…
Next Wednesday I will be boarding a plane at 7 in the morning and making my way to New Jersey and then, New York City. My mouth literally waters when I think of all of the fun that I am going to have seeing old friends again, (and possibly, hopefully, meeting new ones) I could come up with a list as long as my tittays hang of reasons NOT to go (OMG! I need FIVE DIFFERENT OUTFITS!?!) but the benefit of being surrounded by friends in a city that I love outweighs every single one of the excuses I can come up with to not go.
(Did that make any sense? The Hash is RAGING today and I am having trouble thinking straight. Or maybe it’s not The Hash at all, but the effing smoothie I have been trying to drink since breakfast messing with my brain because who knew a pound of fruit could taste like something that comes out of ones ass?)
A pound of fruit? MORE LIKE A POUND OF JUICY FART, MAN. No, seriously, it actually tastes like a fart and I’m kind of pissed off that I spent $10 on 4 bottles of that crap.
I Wanna Soak Up the Sun.
Yesterday, a a friend asked me how I was doing.
My response?
I’m doing good today. I’ve just been keeping myself busy, going outside to enjoy the sunshine and soaking up the love of my family.
It’s amazing to me how dramatically my spirits lift when I step outside and feel the warmth of the sunshine on my skin.
For too long, I’ve been dwelling on the fact that my body is at war with itself. I’ve been dwelling on the fact that I no longer recognize my body in the mirror. I’ve been dwelling on the fact that I’m going to have to take medication for the rest of my life. I’ve been dwelling on the fact that I wasn’t taken seriously the first time that I knew something was wrong.
Oh! Poor, poor puffy me.
I have made a decision to stop dwelling on the negative, as real as it is, and to start focusing on that which is good and that which is wonderful. I am blessed to have health insurance that allows me to seek treatment for that which is wrong with me. I am blessed to have an imperfect, but wonderful family who continue to love me and support me even though I’ve not been the most pleasant of people to be around.
I am choosing to seek out that which is beautiful in the world around me. I pay close attention to the little things. The pretty flowers that are blooming around me. The sound of my boys jamming to “Under the Bridge” in the garage. The soft touch of my daughter’s hand on my arm as I read her a bedtime story. The unexpected hug from my husband as we pass each other in the hallway.
It is these ordinary, every day moments of my life that give me the strength that I need to keep me from crawling back into bed and dwelling. I grab onto each little moment with both hands and hold it close to my heart.
While this shift in thinking hasn’t magically turned my life into one big Chocolate Covered Strawberry, it most definitely has helped me pick myself up off of the tear soaked floor and try to enjoy life again. And for that, I’m grateful because, ALL things considered, I have a pretty sweet life.
In closing, I would like to leave you with some pictures of the absolute funniest thing in my life at the moment.
My daughter attempting to “cross her eyes” and yes, I ask her to do it at least 10 times a day.
I realize you won’t find it as funny as I do, but even still.. enjoy.
Another Episode of “As The Thyroid Burns.”
About three weeks ago, I sent a message to my doctors office asking for a referral to see an endocrinologist. I didn’t hear anything back from him and I was frustrated beyond belief. I was feeling depressed about the entire situation. I’m just tired of being blown off by people.(Not to mention tired of BEING TIRED.) Just minutes after hitting publish on that post on Friday, my son brought the mail in and lo! There was a letter from my doctor. I dried my tears and was filled with hope– Surely it was the referral I had been patiently waiting for!
Today, I Choose Cheese.
The past few days I’ve made a conscience effort to tune out the negative thoughts and feelings that I’ve been dealing with and tune into my children. I wanted to see life through their eyes. I’ve really focused on them and the way that they live their lives.
I genuinely enjoy my children. They’re fabulous people, each in their own unique ways. Their love for life is inspiring.
They each have things in their life that they are passionate about.
Music.
Basketball.
Lipstick.
I can’t tell you the last time that I’ve felt passionate about something in life.
I listen to my oldest son play his guitar, a song that he taught himself simply by listening. It amazes me that he can learn a song by ear and master it in a matter of hours.
I watch my second born son shoot the basketball for hours, without tiring, trying to better himself, even though he is consistently the best player on his team. Yet, every day, he strives to be better.
I watch my daughter sit on her bed, reading story after story– taking a break to re-apply her lipstick while singing songs about how pretty her lipstick looks and how much she loves her mommy.
They’re happy. They’re content. They enjoy their simple little life here with me and their Dad.
Watching life through the eyes of my children has taught me something– I’ve been simply trying to get through each day, but not allowing myself to experience the beauty that each day holds. I want to experience the beauty and joy of life again.
And I think that I will end this post RIGHT HERE before I say something REALLY cheesy like “TODAY, I CHOOSE LIFE.”