Farting on command = Funny. Biting people’s faces = not so much.

I really wanted to write about what could easily be called The Best Aerobic Dance Class EVER. I’m not just saying that because I remembered the routine and did NOT mess up when the instructor forgot the moves and how I kept going and how the instructor was all “VERY GOOD EVAN” (that’s what she calls me and oh, how my heart melts when she calls me that) and how when we were finished with the dance, she turned, looked right at me, started cheering and said “BRAVO, EVAN!
God, how I want to tell you all about the class last night, but, man, I need to talk about my daughter.
Do you mind if I talk about my daughter?
I think she’s the most beautiful, loving, funny (She farts on command, people! Which reminds me, last night, my husband asked me to stop commanding her to fart because, apparently, one night when we were having a Farting on Command-athon, she “squirted” a little and when he went to give her a bath, there was a streak of wet poop in her diaper and GOD FORBID HE HAVE TO WIPE A STREAK OF WET POOP. Seriously, people, he asked me in a SERIOUS TONE to stop “commanding her to fart.” Ha! Ha! I love my life!) little girl I’ve ever known. I’m constantly in amazed by her personality and MY GOD, I love her.
I love her. I love her. I love her.
However! She’s turning into a stinkin’ little brat.
Funny thing is that whenever I mention this to people, their response goes a little something like this “Well, DUH!”
Pick up your copy today! People say things like “of course she’s a little brat, she’s got all of you people spoiling her. How could she NOT be a little brat?”
The good news is that she is not an “asshole” brat. She’s more of a “throws herself back and screams in a high pitched voice when she doesn’t get what she wants” brat.
Come to think of it, she’s not really a brat at all, but more of an “overly emotional drama queen who refuses to keep her diaper on during naptime.”
(Can you tell I’m uncomfortable calling my Precious Daughter a “brat?”)
She’s always been prone to The Dramatics, but it seems to be getting worse.
(Bonus: The Dramatics: A slide show.)
Girlfriend gets pissed in the blink of an eye. One minute she’s kissing and hugging me, the next she’s trying to bite my finger off.
I think part of her “acting out” has to do with her inability to communicate what she wants. You see, my daughter doesn’t have a great vocabulary. It’s crazy to me and my husband because our boys were both early talkers. They were talking in complete sentences before they turned two. We get excited when G-Unit puts two words together. And they’re words that DON’T EVEN MAKE SENSE.
Let me give you an example of her vocabulary.
“DoeDoe”-Cereal (and yogurt)
“Beebee”- Blankie
“hmpeeet”- armpit
“duddee”- Duckie
“buhwhat”- Butt
And so on and so forth.
Total improvement from her vocabulary of two months ago, which basically consisted of EVERYTHING (Except BOBS, DAD, MOM and NO) being called “DADA.”
This is how a conversation went back then.
Me: Blankie?
Her: NO! DADA!
Me: Crackers?
Her: No! DADA! DADA!
Me: Um, You want to color?
Her: pointing to the TV- DADA!
Me: Ohhhhhh! You want to watch TV?
You get the idea. It was maddening.
I’m sure if she could articulate her needs that she’d be less prone to do things like “bite her brother in the face” when he doesn’t understand that “DOODOOGOBODOBRUBBER” means “back the hell up and stop kissing me RIGHT THIS MINUTE!”
I’m not making excuses for her biting, because it’s unacceptable behavior, but! If someone was all up in your grill and you your jibber jabber couldn’t convince that someone to kindly remove themselves from your grill, wouldn’t you get frustrated at your inability to communicate your need for them to STEP OFF?
Or, maybe I am making excuses for her biting because having a child that bites is embarrassing!
My boys were NEVER this demanding, this dramatic, this… this… DIFFICULT.
Is it a “girl” thing? Is it a “last child” thing? Or is it just a “GABRIELLA” thing?
Or, perhaps it’s a “We’ve really turned into crappy parents in our old age” thing.

31 thoughts on “Farting on command = Funny. Biting people’s faces = not so much.

  1. FlippyO

    I wasn’t a drama queen at all, but my mom swears that my three brothers were MUCH easier. Of course, now when she sees other people’s kids misbehaving, she assures me that comparatively speaking, I was an angel. But still, she says the boys were a lot easier to raise. However, in kindergarden, whilst walking home, one of the neigbhor boys bit me (because another one of the neighbor boys was being mean to him – wha??? and he bites me?), so apparently not all boys are easier.

  2. Mamacita

    Old age? YOU? Stop that RIGHT NOW. As for the talking thing, don’t worry about it. She probably doesn’t talk much now because she gets all her needs met anyway. In a few months, she’ll be spouting Shakespeare. Or Mother Goose, whichever comes first.

  3. Julie

    I think it’s her personality full of spunk. At least she isn’t boring. She’s adorable and makes my baby fever spike!!

  4. Jerri Ann

    I agree with the drama queen, if I tell you to stop, not understanding is not acceptable and you need to stop…so there! She’s a great kid if you just look at it in her perspective, lol!

  5. Natalie

    My youngest brother (who is also the youngest child) was a hardcore biter. There was nothing my parents could do, and my mom was embarassed, too. My other brother and I weren’t biters. Time outs and butt slaps didn’t work. My dad started putting a touch of hotsauce in my brother’s mouth when he bit…it worked for a while, and then he started to like the hotsauce.
    What ended up breaking him of the habit was the pediatrician telling them to lock him in his room until he stopped crying. Swear to God. He’s probably emotionally traumatized now, but he seems like a normal 16 year old to me. I, however, may possibly still have bodily scars from his little 2-year-old teeth. 🙂

  6. Carrie

    Drama Queen over here in Washington. She is only 1 and throws herself on the ground in protest. I have a son who was easy. Daughter is gonna kill me. 🙂

  7. Kathy

    omg the slideshow.
    Ok well, if it makes you feel better… my husband is one of three children. Him, his brother and their baby sister. Same set up you have. My husband is the “Andrew” of the bunch.
    The little sister? Spoiled rotten brat. It’s just how it is. 🙂

  8. Y

    Mikey, I didn’t! I’ve not yet got the nerve to do The Lion in Aerobic Dance Class. But if she ever does a “freestyle” segment, I’M SO BUSTING THAT OUT.
    And MsShad? RIMSHOT.

  9. jen

    In my experience (not saying your deal), my brother, the youngest of 4, didn’t really talk much for his first 2 years…it took all 3 of his talky-and talk for him sisters to go away at camp, and my mom took him to the grocery store one day and would’t you know, he had a lot on his mind. not sure it all made sense, but he definitely was chatting away to my mom.
    So in my family is was a youngest, sorry kid, you have 3 older sisters who won’t shut up-thing.

  10. jen

    (part of my comment got erased – and you know, it’s “imperative” that you get all of it)
    So, just b/c he talked at the grocery store, it wasn’t the end of his lack of verbage. It became this thing where he was like that Frog (WB frog now) who did all thing singing and dancing in front of one person (“Hello my baby! Hellow my sweetie!”) and then you tried to show the frog off and all the frog will do is say, “Rib-bit” and everyone thinks the person is nuts? That was my bro.

  11. MoMMY

    It’s a 3rd child thing. My 3rd (boy) was just like that. Still is in fact & he’s 7 now. THere are days I just want to duct tape him to a chair and walk away. The screaming, the hitting (we’re past the biting phase), the dramatics! My God! He is also the sweetest most thoughtful child. My 4th however is not like that. He has his own issues but the hitting, dramatics – not so much. Oh, and the 3rd talked way later than the other 3. They were all early talkers with huge vocabularies. So ya, I’m no help at all. Just a sympathizer.

  12. Katie

    I’m with you, she’s not a brat, just dramatic! I was snickering through the whole slide show though. I’d say she’ll grow out of it unless she’s still doing it at 10. hehe

  13. Jules

    I think you totally nailed it when you said it had to do with her limited vocabulary. Kids hit, bite, throw things and scream bloody murder when they’re frustrated. The more words she learns the less freak outs there will be – unless she is a true drama queen 😉 Then the reasons for the freak outs will just change. lol

  14. Steph

    OMG, you had me crying! It’s so freakin’ ironic that you are going through the exact same thing I am with my drama queen princess. That’s exactly how she is– pissed because she can’t communicate and yet has SOOO much to say. I have a tweenaged son too and she is so mean to him. But he is always trying ot lead her around, kiss her, help her, etc. and she HATES that!

  15. petal

    She’s not a brat or dramatic or even demanding….she’s passionate, expressive, sensitive….at least that’s how I rationalize *myself* and my four year old daughter….

  16. Me

    My Gabby is a total drama queen, so I’m voting for it being the name. My youngest bit too, but after one senile old auntie bit her back (?!?!), she quit that nonsense. (Not that I’m advocating that, but it was hilarious after the shock wore off, and it DID stop the craziness immediately. If she opened her mouth to bite you-she’d do it when she was pretending to kiss you- you just had to open your mouth and show your teeth and she’d have a dr jekyll/mr hyde changeover to sweetness and love!)
    I’d get her ears checked- if they’re congested, it can affect her talking. We taught my niece to sign (she had many ear infections) but she only does it successfully with my hubby, daughters, myself because no one else bothered learning it. She’s also NEVER bit us, but bites everyone else and throws major fits. I’ve spanked her hand once, and shook my finger at her a couple of times, but she doesn’t “test” us like she does her parents.
    I agree its a communication issue. How old is Gabby now?
    Another thing that might help is making her laminated flash cards of pictures of things she wants (each of you, the swing outside, the stroller, different favorite foods, bathtub, her bed, etc) so she can SHOW you what she wants until she can speak. (Yes, we’re total freakin nerds, but it works, dang it and drastically reduces chaos in my household so NYAH!)
    Good luck! Glad to hear you nailed the a.d. class, not that we’re surprised in the least. You’ve almost motivated me to join one except I have no rhythm at all. none.

  17. Heatherg

    Girl, I could have totally written that post (with name changes of course) I wonder what kinda crappy parent i am, I make excuses, wonder if he will just grow out of it…..
    I have the only boy and baby of our family of 4 kids, and there is 8 years between the youngest girl and “the baby” who is 3 ! I soooooooo feel your dilemma’s !
    Let me know what the answer is because i certainly dont know. I just keep thinking that he will grow out of being spoiled, and continue to be the most perfect little boy…….. but then again, take a right at the rainbow and a left at the unicorn to get to my world………

  18. Sarcastic Journalist

    Ellie bit, too. Every time she bit, we put her in time out in her bed (took everything out). She eventuallly stopped doing it. Now we’re having to do it for hitting.
    Also, we taught her a few signs such as “milk” and that helped a bunch.

  19. LotionBarBunny

    It’s a “last child” thing. Jellybean is totally becoming a brat. As I type he is yelling “mommy.mommy.mommy. Towel now. Mommy mom, towel now!”
    AHHHHHHH! Then he kicks me and runs away.
    Wanna swap kids for a day? I so wish to have a daughter.

  20. lynne

    Might be the youngest child (by several years) thing and the fustration of not been able to communicate. She sounds just like the stories about me as a toddler my mother and sisters gleefully tell. But I calmed down immediatley after I started school, which is a good thing as my mother feared all the other moms would complain of my general thuggery. She thinks I was bored and I probably needed company of others kids of a similar age. The good thing was I was a very easy going older kid and teenager. Probably Gabby will grow out of it too.

  21. Jerilyn

    Imagine this:
    You have FOUR children, all of whom are hard-core biters. HARD-CORE. And, since all are close in age, you usually had three biters at once.
    So much so that your children were known in three different towns as ‘The Biting Freemans’ (doesn’t quite have the same ring as ‘The Flying Wallendas’). Mom was mortified. The general public was leery of us.
    Finally, the word got out….if we bit you, my mom would ask YOU to bite us back.
    Six months later….the mantle of ‘The Biting Freemans’ was retired.

  22. Mari

    I think it’s an almost two year old last child thing, because my son is doing the EXACT same thing. His includes bitch slapping AND biting. either that or we are too tired from three kids and stuff.

  23. Mayla Flanagin

    well my son Mason is just turning 3 tommorow, got get set up jk any way he is a sweet angel but when he has a dirty dipper it all goes to poop lol yes still in diappers … I know, any how he will walk up to me and bite me in the leg, it hurts man lol..

  24. Gabreial Losse

    my twin’s can be big handfuls some times despite everything i still love them soooooo…. Much. my husband is never home so i have a lot of time with my boys we have bonded so well in the past three months i thank god every day for them even though they bite like a pack of wild dogs lol

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