I can’t believe I just wrote a post about “my hair.”

Today, I have an appointment to get my haircut. I haven’t had my haircut since November. That’s craziness for a woman who used to get her hair cut and colored every 6 weeks.
Funny how life changes after you quit your job to take care of your three (THREE!) children. No more money for things like “haircuts” or “dye jobs.”
I had long hair for most of my life. But that all changed a few months after I got married and decided that I wanted a perm.
Not just any perm. A spiral perm.
Do y’all remember the Spiral Perm? It was all the rage in the early 90’s. Kinda like how the ““Merm was all the rage in the 80’s.

Oh! The Merm! How I still long to have Perm Sex everytime I see that picture. Look at me, getting all distracted by my husband’s Merm. This post isn’t even about him! But MY GOD. The Merm.
Ahem. Back to MY Perm.
My mom’s very best friend was a hairdresser and agreed to give me A Spiral Perm. I trusted her completely, which turned out to be a very bad mistake. The Perm didn’t take because my hair was so long and thick, that it was too much for the perm to handle and it refused to hold the curl.
“You need layers.” She tells me AFTER having spent hours in a chair with horrid smelling chemicals burning the shit out of my scalp.
A couple of weeks later, I agreed to have layers cut and redo the perm. Oh my God. I hated it. It was horrible. So, later that night, I decided to go buy a chemical straightner and rid myself of The Perm Head.
My poor, sweet virgin hair. What was once a shiny, split end free head of hair was now a burnt, crisp mess. I’ll never forget standing in front of the bathroom mirror sobbing my eyes over the damage I had caused to my precious hair.
The next day I went to a professional hair dresser who was NOT my mother’s best friend and had my hair chopped off. And for the first time in my adult life, I had short hair.
I hated it at first, but eventually I grew to love it. It was easy to take care of, it was bouncy and “fun.”
Who knew! Hair could be fun!
I never was able to grow it long after that. I loved the short hair too much. And man, the compliments I would get about how “short hair really framed my face” made me love it even more. I did grow it out a few times for certain events (like my sister’s wedding) but for the most part, short hair was My Thang.
When I went through my depression, I gained a lot of weight. Especially after I started taking the anti depressant drugs. I started to let my hair grow because my face was too fat for short hair.
What hair has to do with weight, I do not know, but I do know that I feel like I’m “too fat” for short hair. I feel like if I cut it off, my face will look ENORMOUS. There’s a “security” I feel in having hair that covers my fat arms and hides my double chin.
My hair is longer now than it’s been in 12 years and I WANT to cut it off, because, um, I think that I am going bald but shhhhhh because people will think I’m crazy, because I also think that I have tumors and various other diseases that the doctors just can’t seem to find. But, HELLO? Why is my right leg going numb every night? summer is coming and I’d love to not have to deal with all of this hair hanging everywhere, but, I don’t know that I’m ready to let it go yet.
It’s just hair! Get over it! It will grow back!
I know, right? And yet, I sit here with knots in my stomach and kind of wanting to puke at the thought of letting someone chop it off.

28 thoughts on “I can’t believe I just wrote a post about “my hair.”

  1. Itchy

    I totally understand this. I get sick to my stomach anytime I decide to do anything to my hair. So I’ve basically just had little variations of the same hair since 1995. No kidding.
    And what really gets me is when I still have my hair up in the towel after my shower and I’ve put on my clothes and my makeup – I can look at myself and be happy with what I see. Then I release the hair. That one little action makes my entire view point change and I don’t know why. I don’t understand it.
    Anyway…I’ve seen the pictures of you with the short hair and it looks great! It does frame your face in a very flattering way. Which isn’t hard with as pretty as you are. But it looks nice on you. The long does too because you have really healthy, shiny looking hair. But me personally, I like the short ‘do on ya.

  2. Christina

    OMG- I have a weight hair connection too. I recently went from long to short and found back fat! Gasp- oh dont laugh you all know what I am talking about. That unsightly little roll that pops out of your bra. Good gawd, then last weekend I made the crucial mistake of a “rear view” before leaving the house. It was to make sure my spanks werent cutting in to anywhere they shouldnt and all was smooth. Well, the arse was okay but i noticed the tops of my arms looked like thighs… may grow hair back. Dang it. Good luck with the cut, may you not find anything hiding behind it 🙂

  3. Elleana

    I just got my hair cut after a year of growing it out. It caused such anxiety in me! All I talked about was how scared I was! But I went, and I hate it, and I hope your experience goes better than mine. (But I’m sure it will. The girl I got was all “you’d look so good in layers – let’s do some layers to frame your face” and instead of framing my face, the layers feather back 80’s style NO MATTER WHAT I DO!) But, ahem, I digress – good luck! is what I wanted to say.

  4. Lauren

    Seriously, what is it about skinny people being the only ones to pull off short hair? I feel the same way- I said I wouldn’t cut my hair short until I lost 10 lbs.

  5. Joelle

    That is exactly how I feel about my hair. When I cut off 10 inches, I felt like I had a giant moon head. Mike likes it shorter, y’all seem to like it shorter… but still. I feel like I’m “too fat for short hair”, too.
    I’m growing it out.

  6. jenfromboston

    Y- I totally comprehend your theory of weight and hair. I have, what I term “Tori Spelling” face (meaning it’s long, tho I’d like to cut myself a break and suggest I don’t look like a horse).
    Anyway, remember Melrose PLace and Josie Bissett had the cutest short hair style ever and I so wanted (think Chynna Philips had the same do – so 1991) anyway, not even getting into weight, apparently you need some petite, pixie face featured, heart shaped face to pull it off. An oval? A LONG FUCKING oval? no so much. which I found out the hard way.
    You do look awesome either way (and you really did look like Miss Aniston in that one shot I commented on)- maybe split the difference and go just past shoulder and gradually work your way up until you hit your comfort level?

  7. Vicky

    My husband had that same “MERM” when we got married. He hates our wedding pictures, but I loooooove them!
    You look good with long or short hair. Keep it. Chop it. Only you can say.

  8. Emily

    I agree, you will look great no matter what. If you do decide to chop it off though, you have so much length you should donate it to Locks of Love. That’d be cool, and then even if you feel it is a terrible haircut you’ll know you donated it somewhere that’ll help people!

  9. Melissa

    I was just about to mention Locks of Love, but Emily beat me to it. Ever since gaining a lot of weight, I didn’t want to go too short with my hair. Back in February, though, I had had enough and went in for a “trim.” I casually mentioned how I had hoped to grow it out enough to give to Locks of Love, so the hairdresser measured it and told me if I was willing to go really short, it would work. So, I did. I had a moment of anxiety, but the result was nice – she gave me a style that goes with my fat face. I felt better knowing that I helped someone with little-to-no hair.
    Plus, the haircut was FREE!

  10. tonya cinnamon

    think about this . if you donate your hair its free and you get to help kids all over 😉
    i am chicken shit i love my long hair. and i cut it myself . done cosmotology 3 yrs in school and do it now . saves big time money on me and my family.
    but everytime i get my hair cut i dont want no more then 2-3 inches cut off and it ends up being like freaking 6 arggggg. so that why i cut it myself..
    cant wait for pictures!!!!!!!good for you y ! new haiorcut =sexy mamma!

  11. Melissa

    I always wanted long hair but don’t look right with it. Of course, I don’t look right with any kind of hair, but when I get it cut short I have the same problem. I want it cut, but I don’t. You do have beautiful hair, though. You could just think of it as something to do to help someone else out & donate it. It will grow back. But either way, you’ll look beautiful.
    I was wondering if I could post your blog on my bebo page? I don’t have a blogroll but I wanted to post my favorite places to read.

  12. einzel

    Dude, my right leg goes kind of numb too. I think I’ve been pinching a nerve when I run.

  13. Morgan

    I know what you mean about the “weight by hair cut” thing. Everytime I cut my hair short I think my face looks like a pumpkin. (then, my husband tells me i’m crazy and that there’s nothing wrong with me)….

  14. wdc

    You are going to look fab no matter what you do. But think about how awesome your shorter hair would look bouncing around when you throw out your latest dance move (and don’t say it would be a sweaty mess slapping against your face, nope, it would sway and be sassy and fun). I can’t ever manage to grow my hair longer than my shoulders. I get fed up and cut it off. Even now that I am trying to fit this years ass into last years pants. Fat ass or not, I’m sticking with the shorter hair.
    Can’t wait to see your new ‘do. Have fun with it!!

  15. PK

    OMG, I am so totally in that “I want to chop off my hair but I’m too fat” stage.
    I bet you look great. Breathe.

  16. Tammy

    Ok….so what did you do?
    Funny thing I felt the same way and chopped mine off and so not happy. Feel fat and old and frumpy…dang it.

  17. Tammy

    Lose the hair. It’s gorgeous, but it’s holding you back. Time to let go of the security blanket!
    I just have to know…what is “perm sex”? I’m familiar with “Tent sex” and “May day sex”, and a few others, but not “perm sex”. Am I missing out here?

  18. Flippy

    Cut it. It’ll grow back. In general though, I prefer short hair on just about everyone. I think very few women look good with really long hair (you’re one of them…or I’d keep my mouth shut), so I’m almost always looking at people and thinking, “She’d sure look better with a haircut.”
    And me, I looked fatter with long hair. I have photographic evidence that I will never show to anyone, but it’s there alright, it’s there.

  19. Aly

    I say.. You’ll know what to do. I have the weight thing and I felt completely naked when I chopped my hair to my SHOULDERS. Shoulders only!
    Althought it was nearing my butt before I gave it the chop but anywho.. didn’t really like that nakedness feeling.
    But you’ve made some awesome progress with your weight and a change might do you the best of good.
    You’ll look gorgeous either way.

  20. Louise

    I have always had long hair– until I lost my hair. I wanted a long wig, too, because, well, I’m fat, but the wig-selling ladies informed me that it would be a waste of money since it would be all matted up and useless within a month. So I bit the bullet and bought the short wig. And you know what? People tell me it looks cute on me. On me! Me with the fat face!
    So– yeah, hair’s a security blanket but it’s the cut that makes you look good (or not), not the length, I think.

  21. E :)

    I have really long hair too. It’s almost like another limb for me – it would hurt that much if I cut it off!
    Good luck. I really love looking at women with beautiful trendy hair cuts, but I’m just too chicken to do it myself…

  22. Tara

    You can do it! I did it yesterday!!!! I was scared and excited at the same time. I went in and said “do what you want to with it” but don’t make me look dykey and make it shape my pumpkin face. It is so cute!!! Of course, I haven’t washed it yet. No idea if I can recreate what she did, but it’s shorter and will definitely be better for summer. 🙂

  23. heidi

    Do it girl. Just to the shoulder with a long-layered thang going on. It’ll look FAB. But I will say, that hair now really accentuates your envious cleavage.

  24. christine

    don’t cut it short, i’m so jealous of your gorgeous hair, i love the way it looks now. When my depression started i shaved all my hair off, never again…. will have to dig out the no hair pics and post them though..

  25. Cindy (AKA Claytonia)

    I *so* hide behind a curtain of insecurity and long hair. I’ve been heavier than I want to be for more than a decade now (seriously, how neurotic is that ??), and I swear I’ve been wearing my hair in very slight variations on the same damn theme since about 1990. This is pretty pathetic if you ask me, but I too am afraid of sudden exposure of fat neck and face to air/sunlight/scrutiny of strangers.
    Again I say unto thee: Ugh! But keep fighting the good fight re: body image and enjoying movement and loving yourself and all of that. You rock!

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