Grumpy (fat) Butt

I was thinking of renaming this blog to But, I think it would be easier and less annoying if I just stopped talking about the freaking accident.
There were two very Exciting! Updates! that I must write about. And then, I will never speak of it again, for it will be dead to me and alive to God, because I am giving The Accident to God.
Exciting! Update! #1. We got our deductible back.
Exciting! Update! #2. It is now an uninsured motorist claim. The other driver (who was at fault, and who I will now refer to as The Perp, as in The Perpetrator.) is no where to be found and someone who lives at her house told our adjuster that she is “out of town” until “sometime late July.”
How precious. She causes a major accident, avoids the law and flees town. I really hope God blesses her life in a beautiful way. (Pray for your enemies! Treat them with kindness! Do not be bitter! Blessings and love to all, even uninsured assholes!)
Moving on.
I recently made the decision to switch up my workout schedule. Rather than going to the gym in the evenings, I decided that I’d start hitting that bitch early in the A.M. So, yesterday morning I arose at 5:30 and made my way to the All Wimmins Gym.
I was NOT prepared for Early Rising Worker Outters.
I’m used to going to the gym after 7pm. The people who are at the gym when I get there are tired, quiet and somewhat grumpy. They don’t want to talk about their day and they don’t care about how you’re doing or what your plans are for the weekend. They just want to do their curls and squats and get the hell out of there.
But the Morning Worker Outters are a completely different kind of people.
They are happy! And perky! And glad to be alive! And coated in a thick, vanilla scent! And generally annoying!
They’re all “Good morning!” “How are you?” “Ready to burn some of that oh so abundant fat?” “Jesus loves you and so does the treadmill!”
There were a couple of women on the treadmill going on and on about how great they felt and how happy they were to be there on the treadmill burning the calories and how they were planning a bridal shower for their best friend and how fucking HAPPY they were to be doing it.
Here I was, ready to roundhouse kick any vanilla scented vagina that came within 10 feet of my personal space and these women were like “omygod, I’m so glad you’re here… GROUP HUG AND THEN HOWZA’BOUT WE DO SOME CRUNCHES, GOD’S CHILDREN!”
I wasn’t prepared for such love and friendliness so damn early in the morning.
I was genuinely in awe of these women who purposely get up early to go to the gym and are so gosh darn happy and excited to be there.
I plan on becoming an Early Worker Outter, because I absolutely loved not having “I have to go to the gym” hanging over my head all day long, but I can promise you that I will never be one of those vanilla scented freaks who sports a smile on my face and radiates Gods Love from my overweight soul while doing bicep curls before 7 in the morning.
Day 2: "not a morning person"

42 thoughts on “Grumpy (fat) Butt

  1. Mish

    I give you major credit for going to the gym that f’ing early. I can barely get my ass out of bed in the mornings. I don’t understand perky morning people. And I married one!

  2. DJ

    I admire you for getting up and going – I always say I’ll get up early and work out but I never do. I always end up going after 3:00. Ugh.

  3. Karly

    Praying for the sweet little uninsured motorist right this very second. It doesn’t matter that I worship Satan right? I mean, you said pray. You didn’t say to who.
    Oh, I’m kidding. I’m not praying for the bitch and I don’t worship Satan.

  4. Jennifer

    OMG, the same exact thing happened to me when I went to Curves in the morning for the first time. The ladies were all so perky, wide awake and ready to start their day, and here I was dragging ass the whole time because I am so NOT a morning person! I agree that the people that come to the gym in the evening are a while different crowd.
    That’s great that you are able to get up and go early. I wasn’t able to do it!

  5. D

    God Bless the Vanilla Scented Vajayjay’s, and God Bless that “you are #1” finger of yours! I wonder if Jesus ever did crunches or pushups???

  6. Lisa

    So I never comment any more but damn… you’re so cute when you flash the obscene hand gestures. I just had to say something.

  7. jessica Davenport

    You make me laugh out loud, quite often. Just thought I’d delurk and let you know. 🙂 I had a roommate in college who would (voluntarilyand cheerily) get up at 5:30 in the PA winter and go swim at the campus pool for excercise. I was always terrified of her, someone that crazy might just kill you in your sleep!

  8. Maria

    You would hate me. I’m very much a morning person. 🙂 I don’t excercise though, so you might forgive me, right?

  9. dysnomia

    They’ll infect you with their cheeriness soon enough, and then you’ll become one of them! I’m ashamed to say I am somewhat bouncy when I go bright and early, as I love the mornings. However, I don’t hug anyone, because I am British and that’s basically GBH here.
    Love your writing, as always.

  10. jason

    is it really a Praise the Lord All Wimmins Gym?
    I would think all the Praising would burn a few calories, but they could crank it up a notch and stop jabbering and burn even more — just remember, “no jabber, more calories” Jesus would understand.

  11. Amy

    OK, now I’m scared! I was just pondering whether or not I could haul my fat arse out of bed in the morning to go to the gym. I’ve been trying to work up to actually saying ‘I’m going to go to the gym in the morning’ outloud in an actual conversation with my husband. If I say it then I have to actually DO IT. Now I’m worried about running into happy and talkative vanilla-scented vaginas in the morning. I could not speak civil-like to another soul at 6 a.m. Especially not one that is vanilla-scented. Hopefully that won’t be the case if my gym isn’t an all wimmins gym???

  12. Laural

    I would go to the gym that early if my gym were open … but it’s not.
    I have to say though – I’m not like those perky women. I used to go to the gym with my coffee in the water bottle, and ignore all the perky people. But it is a very bizarre phenomenon.

  13. alala

    I could not haul my sorry ass out of bed before 7 a.m. if the house was on fire, so go you for even managing that much. As for the vanilla-scented vaginas, there’s really nothing for it but to hope they get hit by your town-skipping uninsured motorist friend. Repeatedly.

  14. Brandi

    Wolves in sheeps clothing, all of them. You know they have a giant pentagram drawn on the middle of the floor in the locker room or something. Totally sent by Satan. The vanilla covers up the stench.

  15. kheatherg

    Okay so in regard to the uninsured motorist…..
    A friends vehicle was totaled by one. Its taken almost 6 years and she moved out of state but finally, she called them to pay them off. It seems she went to court and was told no drivers license until she paid them off, and 6 years later, she finally wanted a DL. Either way, it took forever, but finally it paid off.
    Good luck!

  16. Heather B.

    I’m all for going to the gym in the morning. It means that by evening I less worry about getting a run in and more about what type of wine to drink.

  17. angie

    “….ready to roundhouse kick any vanilla scented vagina that came within 10 feet of my personal space…”
    OMG I can NOT stop laughing!!
    I love you and your ability to make me laugh every single day!

  18. Shannon

    I just bought one of those exercise balls just to avoid the gym entirely. However, that picture really says how I feel at 5:30am.


    ROFL, I am not a morning person either. Before I was a mama and had to go to work early in the AM on the regular I would always be the one that just grunted at people before noon. Before noon I am absolutely no good. I do not want to talk to you or much less look at you. I just can not do morning. People at work would always ask me if I was ok at 6 in the morning when all I would say was a grunt. Do people not realize that it is 6 in the freakin’ morning and not everyone is a fucking morning person. I’m going to start wearing a sign….ha ha. “I grunt before noon, don’t talk to me”

  20. anna

    Hey, the felony meth addict who backed into me and injured my precious babies (actual kids, not talking lap dogs here) got dumped by his insurance company for having like three at-fault wrecks that summer, so he got an ambulance-chasing lawyer and some new “witnesses” and is SUING ME!!! Woo!! Apparently, the insurance companies’ judgment about who is at fault doesn’t count in court.

  21. ElizabethZ

    It’s inevitable – resistance if futile – you will be assimilated. 🙂
    P.S. So happy for you about your deductible!

  22. Jen from Boston

    Ah, a UM claim – nah-icccce. yay for the returned deductible!
    your a.m. gym perspective killed me. Mad props for trying the moring route, I have tried (like twice) and I just can’t do it. You do feel awesome tho to get it out of the way thereby allowing yourself to watch a 7:00 pm showing of Friends repeat for the millionth time guilt-free. if that’s your thing. I mean, if you’re into that kind of thing. which maybe I am.

  23. Abra Leah

    I am one of those early morning gym goers, too. But I never ever wear vanilla, and I’m so not happy about being there. So, it’s all good. 🙂
    Feel better!!!!

  24. Bronwen

    I just got a new vanilla-scented deodorant and my 6-year old daughter loves to sniff my pits now. Weird kid.
    I do a Pilates class at noon. Any exercise before them is anathema to me.

  25. Danielle

    Ok, I’m an annoying morning person but I know that the rest of the world is not. It’s pretty easy to spot someone who is not and just leave them alone.
    I have to get up for work at 5:30 during the school year and tried to talk myself into waking up at 5:00 to exercise.
    It’s just wrong.

  26. Rachael

    Dude, it’s TOTALLY worth it to go in the mornings. Go before breakfast, and you’re not burning food, you’re burning fat.
    Just throw your ear/headphones on and then you can ignore the perky bitches with gleeful abandon.

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