In Shock

This morning I received an email notification that I had a new message on Facebook. It was from a neighbor from my old neighborhood.
“She must be inviting me to a candle party.” I thought to myself.
I opened up the message.
It was in all caps.
I froze.
I gasped for air.
I screamed “NO!”
I flashed back to a moment in time.
6 in the morning.
I hear a knock at the door. I open the door. It was Mikey.
He was about 7 years old. His hair was a mess and he was wearing pajamas.
“Can Andrew play?” He asked, while yawning.
I remember thinking– am I dreaming? Or is Mikey really standing at my front door at 6am, asking to play, on a Saturday morning. I was part pissed off. Part LAUGHING ON THE INSIDE.
“Mikey! Do your parents know you left the house?” I asked.
“No. They’re still sleeping.” He replied.
“Why don’t you go home until they wake up. You can come over and play later, okay?”
“Okay.” He said.
I watched him as he walked slowly, barely awake, back home. And I laughed. Oh my God, how I laughed.
That little boy, the one who spent many nights at my house, eating dinner with us, going fishing with us, being a good friend to both of my boys, was shot and killed last night.
He wasn’t so little anymore. He was 18 years old.
But in my mind, he is still that little boy, standing at my front door, half asleep, asking to play with his best buddy– My son, Andrew.
I’ve cried a lot this afternoon.
I’ve cried for the parents. No parent should ever have to bury their child. No parents should ever have to lose their child to senseless violence.
I’ve cried for my sons. I do everything in my power to protect my children. This reminds me you can’t protect them from everything. You can’t shield them from the evil in this world. And that sucks so hard.
I’ve cried for myself. I’ve always taught my children to do “the right thing.” But you know, maybe I’ve been wrong. Right now, I’m thinking “To HELL with the right thing! DON’T GET INVOLVED! WALK AWAY! PRETEND YOU DIDN’T SEE ANYTHING!”
I don’t want to feel that way, I truly don’t, but it’s kind of hard not to feel that way when someone who we all loved tried to do the right thing and lost his life in the process.
Rest in Peace, Mikey. Our family will never forget you.

41 thoughts on “In Shock

  1. Miss Britt

    I don’t even know what to say. It’s so, so unfair. Beyond unfair. It’s hard to continue to do the right thing when faced with how unfair it all is.

  2. Tracy

    It hurts to do the right thing sometimes; people throw your consoling words back in your face when things don’t go their way; OR WORSE! Y, you know we can’t stop doing the right thing, for without it hope in humanity is lost for good. Prayers and hugs for you and your family!

  3. Nancy P

    I just don’t have words. My heart aches for Mikey, his family, your family. We can only hold our children close and love them.

  4. Jessica

    My god. I am SOOOOO sorry. Prayers and good thoughts to all of you and this poor boy’s family. What a horrible tragedy. 🙁

  5. willow

    My sincerest condolences to this young man’s family and to all his friends, including you and your family. It makes me want to weep for the senseless waste.

  6. Maggie

    One of the hardest things I ever had to do was tell my 8th grade son that a friend of his had committed suicide. 9 years later he still carries his friend’s picture with him and it remains a pivotal moment of his life.

  7. KarenB

    My sympathies and heart felt saddness. This loss feels tremendous for me and I do not know Mikey.
    May perpetual light shine upon him & may he rest in peace. All My Love & Peace.

  8. Shana in Texas

    This is so tragic. I will say a prayer for Mikey and his family and for yours. I am sorry for your loss.

  9. Issa

    i’m so sorry. for you and your kids and for mikey and his family.
    sometimes their is just no justice in this world.

  10. Baby Favorite

    That is so heartbreaking. I understand your feelings completely.
    I’ve decided this is a pretty shitty year, so far. Two boys (14 & 16) that my son knew have died so far this year (in the last six weeks, actually), and my 10 yr old daughter’s best friend had her dad commit suicide last week.
    I’m about all cried out, at this point.

  11. Teri

    First of all, I am so sorry for Mikey’s family and for your pain. It is unthinkable.
    Your blog was recommended to me recently by a close friend, and I felt immediately connected to it. I have read many entries and will continue to follow you. I have two boys myself, 7 and 8, and they are the lights of my life, and your blog is so easy to relate to. You seem to have the heart of a mom, thanks for being such a great voice for all of the lucky readers!

  12. Maria

    I am so sorry. I know how world-shaking this kind of unexpected, unfair loss is.
    My thoughts are with you and your family.

  13. Zoeyjane

    That’s so sad. Tragic. I’m sorry for the toughness you have to go through, and for his family, and for the lives that will change because of this. But what if he was the reason that a little girl or two wasn’t shot and killed. I know it’s not the thought that’s going to help anything… but I’m just holding onto the idea that he really did do the right thing.

  14. Dee

    Oh my God, Y. I am so scared to raise my kids in this world. My heart breaks for his family and all of his friends who now have to come to grips with the fact that they do not, as they might have once thought, live forever. Rest in peace, Mikey.

  15. Janet

    Y – you remember them as they were. You cry with your children and help them cope with the loss. You support them at the funeral or memorial. My daughters best friend and her boyfriend were killed 2 months before graduation by someone who went over the center line. He was destracted. My daughter was on the phone with them when it happened. It’s been 2 years and the healing is a continous, slow process. Take it one day at a time and be as supportive as you can. Sometimes love is the only answer.

  16. Kimberley Steppe

    I am so sorry for your loss. I have only had one friend who has lost a child, it was a tragic accident. A tree fell on her while she was on the tree swing with two of her sisters, and it killed her. Her sisters watched her die. I can only say that it was horrible and painful, but she has learned to honor her daughter in every way. It doesn’t mean that each day isn’t a struggle, it just means she finds a way to make it through each day.
    Again, I am sorry for your loss.

  17. tokenblogger

    Such a shock.
    I’m with you on wanting to tell my son to stay out of others business, but I can’t.
    I can’t tell him to stand by while something is hurting someone else.
    It’s hard.

  18. Jackie Hall

    I’m so sorry for you and your families loss. My brother died drinking and driving at 30 so I know the pain of loss. Thank God he didn’t hurt anyone but himself. But to lose a baby boy at 18… and him tring to do the right thing…. heart breaking. My heart hurts for all of you. My thoughts and prayers will be with your family and Mikey’s family.

  19. Loralee

    God, Y.
    I have been under a rock. I had no idea.
    I am so sorry. My heart is breaking for his family and all the loved ones.
    This is horrible.

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