Not Normal

I was talking to my mom on the phone right now and I played her the recording of my dogs. She laughed and then said “no wonder you’re mental, that would make anyone crazy.”
I laughed at first, but as I sit here and think about it, it makes me sick to my stomach.
“no wonder you’re mental“…
Words can not describe what I am feeling at this very moment. She didn’t mean it as a put down, she was joking, but it’s the truth.
I never in my life thought I would end up “this way.” I never thought people would think of me as crazy or a “god damn psycho.” I always thought of myself as an outgoing person that people liked, because I have the ability to make people laugh, but now I feel as though I’m “ruined.”
All I ever wanted was to be loved and accepted, isn’t that what we all want? I never wanted to be this overweight, crazy lady who cries and sleeps all day and doesn’t want to go anywhere because I feel like some kind of monster. I never wanted to avoid my friends and family, not answering my phone or going places because I am ashamed at who I have become.
This is not the kind of person I wanted to be.
I am getting better, I am getting help and doing what I need to do to snap out of this. This isn’t me whining or wanting sympathy, it’s just those words my mom said sinking in and me realizing the magnitude of what has happened to me over the last few months.
Don’t ever judge people who are going through this kind of shit, and most certainly don’t ever say it could never happen to you, because you never know when life is going to take it’s toll on your heart, and when you’re heart isn’t right, neither is your mind, I’m living proof of that.

15 thoughts on “Not Normal

  1. Meredith

    God, my mother and grandmother are the same way as your mom… they always say stuff to me that they think is funny – then when I sit back for a second and take in what they’ve said, I just shake my head. SO frustrating.
    Like you said, you’re getting better and you’re taking the right steps to move forward… as long as *you* know that, that’s all that matters…
    Go hug those hysterical dogs of yours now. 🙂

  2. Gary

    I like you as you are ….. ( real ) which is so much more than most out there.
    Normal is bullshit …. no one is. Hugs Yvonne.

  3. dj mo fo

    grrrr people just piss me off when it comes to mental health stigmas.
    did you know that EVERY person in the world can be diagnosed with something? EVERYONE in the world is “mental” as your mom said. even her!!!
    tell her to read the DSM-IV. i bet she’ll find out that she can be labeled with a far worse diagnosis than you.
    girl, you’re not mental, you’re not psycho, you’re not nuts, you’re not crazy, you’re not deformed, you’re not ruined.
    you are just overwhelmed by what’s going on inside of you. it’s ok. it’s NORMAL to have the reactions you do when stress reaches the boiling point.
    don’t let ANYONE…sibling, parent, spouce, friend, coworker, or stranger tell you anything different.
    just remember, what separates you from the rest of the ‘crazy’ people she’s talking about is you’re seeing the problem, admitting it, and seeking help.

  4. don

    heh, according to MY mom, I’m:
    * stupid
    * never going to amount to anything
    * wasting time PLAYING with computers
    * making God sad by ‘being involved’ with that horrible Internet
    * lazy
    Lord love her, but she’s got that good old Jewish/Catholic guilt thing down to a science… 🙂

  5. tanya

    she just stuck her foot in her mouth, honey. if she really thought you were mental, she’d have you locked up and take your kids away. speaking as someone who always says the wrong thing at the wrong time, don’t take her too seriously. and don’t let her mistake mess you up – she’s probably torturing herself for saying such a dumb thing right now.
    this too shall pass!!

  6. Laurenizzel

    its amazing what a choice of wording can do. i’m sorry it hurt your feelings, and its understandable that it did. i don’t think your mental.

  7. Sassy McSmartpants

    Bring your mental ass on over here. I’ll love on it. One mental case to another. 🙂
    Yvonne, think of it this way–at least you have the wherewithall to realise that something is brewing in your head that shouldn’t normally be there. And you’ve got the cajones to do something about it. It’s a helluva lot braver than most people in the same situation. I come from a long line of depressed relatives. Thus far, I am the ony one who has done anything about it. We’re doing what we can to get better. That makes all the difference.

  8. dana michelle

    Everyone else has pretty much said what I’d have said already, but here’s my 2 cents…
    People throw around words like “mental”, “crazy”, or “psycho” pretty easily, and most of them don’t really think about what they’re saying. They’re just words to them. Those of us that have suffered from mental illness are a lot more tuned in to those words, and we take offense or a wounded by them.
    You aren’t any of those things. You’re not a monster and you are certainly not ruined. You’d probably be very surprised to find out how many people you know have dealt with something similar to you in the past. That’s because they got better, and it doesn’t show anymore. Just like you will.
    You’re on the right track. I’m so glad you found someone you clicked with this time. Keep working on it. You’ll get there. I’m really proud of you!

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