Talking to myself.

I’m fighting urges to hurt myself at this very moment. I don’t know where this is coming from. I was laying in my bed, thinking and started to get frustrated. I could feel the rage and panic starting to take over and I started to tense up. I started feeling things I haven’t felt in a long time, feelings of anger and rage and hurt and my first reaction was to start tugging at my hair. Gently at first, then I started pulling harder.
I hate this, I actually am sitting here fighting the urge to inflict pain on myself. I want to rip my hair out, I want to beat myself, but I’m not going to. I’m not going to do that to myself. Instead I’ll type, I’ll think of all the good in my life and how far I’ve come. How blessed I am to have the best friends a person could ask for, How I have the most beautiful boys in the world and a husband who’s stood by my side through all of my struggles. I won’t think of the friends I’ve lost, or the things I can’t control. I refuse to do this to myself. I have come to far to let this take control of me again. I’m not going to let it happen. Fuck that.
Infact, I think I’m going to go to a group tonight and talk about this. I’m not going to ignore it, but I’m not going to let it beat me either. Hell no.

16 thoughts on “Talking to myself.

  1. Meredith

    We’re talking about your boobs over at my place… maybe that’ll make you feel better? 😉
    I don’t mean to make light of how you’re feeling, and I’m sure you know that… I just wanted you to know that I’m thinking of you and you’re loved!

  2. rickg

    good – you’re trying constructive, positive things to deal with it! and, absolutely talk about it in group. you’ll be very pleased to find out you’re far from alone when it comes to these things. it’s very empowering to know you’re not “bad” or “a failure” or any of the crap your mind wants you to believe; it’s simply part of you, and you can learn to deal with it. see how strong you’ve become! you go!!!

  3. keith

    something i wrote back in May when a friend was having a difficult time, and i had just come out of a terribly bad one, myself:
    Praying for Others
    which is to say, i believe i understand your feelings right now, and i have the greatest empathy for you. stay positive and continue to believe in yourself, and you will survive, and you will definitely win.
    ::great big hugs::

  4. Liz

    this sounds corny but it works for me….
    bake a cake or pie or some lovely dessert or a dish that is your speciality and take it to someone you know who needs a bit of special-ness in their life. It will help to distract you from your day of feeling tense and angry. Oh yeah, and the group meeting later is a great idea. Good luck today.

  5. a different Bill

    I’ve got an insurance company that insists we do business through mail order and a mail order company that can’t get our address right no matter how many times we change it…feel free to redirect your urge to inflict pain in either of those directions if you want.
    Otherwise, keep your chin up and remember…this too shall pass.

  6. Em

    Good for you for recognizing and wanting to get it out in the open with group tonight. that is an accomplishment in and of itself.

  7. Tracy

    Um, hey Schweetie…did you happen to notice that those feelings came along with PMS (as noted in the post below). Just an observation…maybe if you tell the doctor that these feelings get worse around your period (i.e., they’re tied to hormones), they can help more??

  8. Cyberangel

    You’re resisting the urge. Good.
    You’re going to group to talk about it & get help. Good.
    You’re thinking of the good things in your life. Great!
    See how far you’ve come? You’re learning to resist the urge to hurt yourself or feel down on yourself. That’s great, yvonne. Keep working it, mkay?

  9. Da Goddess

    You’re already way ahead of so many others because you’ve declared war on the negative thoughts!
    Have a good session at group tonight.

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