So fresh and so clean clean

I’m staring at the bags I have packed when it’s time to go. Gabby’s diaper bag, filled with diapers, wipes, her coming home outfit. The boys bag, filled with a change of clothes, clean socks and underwear and a note to each of them telling them how much I love, admire and need them (in case, God forbid, something happens to me, I want them to know exactly how I feel about them.) My bag, filled with diaper sized maxi pads, nursing pads, girdle panties, and all that stuff I need to make my face pretty when I leave the hospital. Laying next to the bags are the cameras– Video, digital, 35mm. All ready to go when it’s time.

I’m so ready for this to happen and because I’m so prepared and ready to go, I can’t think about anything else.

I’m analyzing every contraction.”Oh, that one hurt, could this be it?” “Oh, that one lasted 45 seconds, maybe tonight?”

But nothing. I’m still here and she’s not.

I’m glad that when it IS finally time, we’re all prepared. There won’t be any scrambling to get things together. There won’t be any panic that I’ve forgotten something, because it’s all ready to go.
The only thing I’ll have to worry about is taking a shower right before we leave, as requested by my husband, because he’d like our daughter to be born (and I quote word for word) “out a freshly clean twat.”
Now, when the hell is she going to decide to come out of my freshly scrubbed vagina?
Soon I hope, very soon. As in “tonight” soon.

21 thoughts on “So fresh and so clean clean

  1. Vickie

    I can’t believe it’s nine months already. Honest to God I cannot believe how the time has flown since you first announced this pregnancy. I feel like I’m having sympathetic labor pains!!

  2. langus

    Doesn’t he know that it is entirely possible you could shit on the medical professionals while they are down there, so fresh should be the least of his worries?
    Only a man would think of that.

  3. Caitlin

    I’ve read a lot of weird things on here, seen a lot of weird things on here, but I can’t say I ever thought I’d read “rubbing my nipples furiously” on your website, Yvonne. You never cease to amaze. Or draw hoards of perverts mistaken into thinking this is some sort of hardcore erotica website with your words and the occasional photos of your rack. Congrats on your eloquence.

  4. ben

    If you do the shower thing you run the risk of putting some poor twat scrubber at the hospital out of a job.
    There may be a nursing shortage, but twat scrubbers? Dime a dozen.
    (Stolen from Madison Avenue: “It has a manly scent, but I like it, too!)

  5. Ginger

    Before my daughter was born, I took a HUGE crap, stood up, and my water broke. How’s THAT for fast results???

  6. sheryl

    Some other baby inducing useful tips if you like to have sex, or shit yourself or both at the same time!
    Sexual intercourse. Semen contains some prostaglandin, and having an orgasm may stimulate a few contractions.
    Castor oil. Castor oil is a strong laxative and stimulating your bowels may cause some contractions,

  7. kim

    this is getting really exciting. you have your bags packed!!!
    gabby, come, now – we can’t wait to see you!
    one of the strangers who reads your mom’s blog

  8. Stacey

    This could so be a commercial:
    “Do you have that “not so fresh” feeling? Are you waiting to give birth?
    Do you want your baby to be born out of a freshly cleaned twat?
    Well buy ______ ”

  9. Mellissa

    Knowing what those huge maxi pads are for scares me to death. I find the thought of lochia even more frightening than labour. I’m waiting for somebody to tell me it’s not that bad… but to date, nobody has.

  10. Mindi

    OMG, how funny! Your husband cracks me up! I went in to labor early both times – strawberry daquiri and lasagne. Worked for me, although the nurses who cleaned up after me probably weren’t all that happy about it. LOL!
    Mellissa – after everything else the lochia was nothing for me. Two days after baby #1 and less than a week with #2. Believe me, labor is worse!

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