This is for The Spammers, because I think they’re worried, because they keep leaving me comments, like, 29859756 of them.

Last night, as I was tucking my boys into bed, Andrew looked me in the eye and asked me what was wrong.
“I can tell something’s wrong, mom. You seem sad.”
I told him I wasn’t feeling good, that my kidneys have been hurting again and it was making me very tired.
“And depressed?”
I was taken aback for a second.
Funny how you think you can hide things from your children, but they know.
“A little bit, baby, but I’ll be ok.”
“I hope you don’t get the bad depression again. You were always crying and you forgot to give me a birthday party that year
Did you just hear that sound? That was my heart breaking into a million tiny pieces.
I knew it affected my children, I knew that they paid a price for my mostly selfish depression, but at that moment, I realised HOW it affected them.
The guilt is somewhat overwhelming this morning. The fact that him seeing me sad makes him worry inside, it’s too much to bear.
I hugged him, told him I was sorry and assured him that will NEVER happen again.
I’m not going to give into these thoughts, this sadness, this depression.
It’s funny. I was happily strolling along the path of life, when out of NOWHERE, depression hit me like a bat to the head and suddenly, I found myself on the ground, unable to get up, unable to catch my breath.
But this time, I cried out to God, I asked for his help, for his wisdom, for his understanding of my purpose in this world.
I finally realised I can’t do this without him. I’ve tried that once before, and I failed miserably.
I sit and wonder what brought this on. Could it be physical? I haven’t felt well in weeks, my kidneys are aching again. I’m unable to sleep at night, so I have a hard time functioning during the day. The lack of sleep could be the problem.
Maybe it’s the jealousy? That’s right, I’m jealous of everyone and everything.
Jealous of people who own houses. Jealous of people who have money. Jealous of people who are funny. Jealous of people who have new cars. Jealous of people who are pregnant (what the HELL? I don’t want more kids! So…why?) Jealous of people who know how to decorate their houses. Jealous of people who are on vacation. Jealous of people who have pretty, white, straight teeth. Jealous of people who know how to dance. Jealous of people who live in NYC. Jealous of EVERYTHING THAT I DO NOT HAVE, CAN NOT DO, CAN NOT AFFORD, and so on and so forth.
Which is weird, because I’m not like that. I don’t LIKE people who are like that. I like to be happy for people! I like to celebrate people’s good fortune! But recently? When someone tells me good news? Instead of smiling and saying “that’s so AWESOME! I’m SO HAPPY! I flat out tell them… “I’M JEALOUS!”
How embarassing to admit this, but it’s the truth.
And what do they say about the truth?
It shall set you free.

33 thoughts on “This is for The Spammers, because I think they’re worried, because they keep leaving me comments, like, 29859756 of them.

  1. Kristina

    I second Ben. There isn’t an easy cure. Trust me I’m there and have been there for years but I keep right on functioning and you’re right about the God thing. Sometimes I think he does this as a way to bring us back to him. I’m not gonna preach. I’m just saying that I think he does. **** lots of hugs girl****

  2. Broad

    Honey, depression isn’t “selfish” — it’s an illness, and one for which you need to get help.
    Have you thought about going back to the doctor (preferably not the bitch you have now) to get back on your meds? I know it still might be kinda problematic with Gabby and all, but there’s no reason you should have to live with this when it can be controlled relatively easily. And believe me, I know aaaaalll about the I-am-women-hear-me-roar-I-should-be-able-to-beat-this-myself crap we tell ourselves. Thing is, you CAN beat it if you get help.
    Thinking of you.

  3. Jessica

    (((HUGS))) I know how depression feels but you can beat it, you REALLY can and you will if you try 🙂 Please keep your head up and get help when you think you have had enough, its never really to soon to get help. Please don’t allow yourself to fall all the way. Your kids are not the only one that doesn’t deserve it but you don’t deserve to have to suffer through it! Once again (((HUGS)))

  4. kimmie

    Awww, I am so sorry you are going through this right now girl.
    Have some faith and lean on Him for wisdom, strength and to get you through this. Like Kirstina said I don’t want to saound preachy either, but I know for myself the crap He has gotten me through just by asking, praying and having faith… faith is a very powerful thing. The blessings he has given me when I ask never cease to amaze me. He does and will provide for us.
    I am going to reccommend to you 2 books…
    “The Purpose Driven Life” -Rick Warren
    “Beyond Jabez” -Bruce Wilkinson
    They may help you
    Next, I want to say to you that I understand the jealous feeling/thinking. But, you know what? I have only been coming to your site for a short while now, and I have to say I have been jeous of you myself… why you ask? well…
    You are funny you know how to make your readers laugh (on the not so sensitive subjects).. read my posts they are dull and boring.
    I have seen pics of you and you are beautiful! I only wish I could have that kind of glowing beauty.
    Look at how many blog-followers you have, I have 4!! you have many… you attract readers, with your insight, humor, and style.
    You have lots to be proud of girl, don’t beat yourself up over it. If you sense a need to seek help from whatever source do it –do it for yourself, for your children.
    Chin up sweetie!

  5. Macca

    Sorry you are feeling glum, Y.
    I can tell you that even though I want to be happy for people myself. I’m hella jealous of people that are better off than myself. I’m not embarrassed to admit it. I think it’s natural to want what other peopl have. And that feeling that you’ll never have it, eats at the best of us.
    All we can do is be thankful for what we have. Screw what other people have. From reading your blog (everyday religiously) for almost a year now, I see nothing but a beautiful fun life you have. Sure, you have self doubts and feel down sometimes. We all do. Don’t let it eat at you and don’t think that you’re alone.
    I’m going to flip off someone in a luxury vehicle tonight on my nightmare commute, just for you. 😉

  6. lauren

    i agree with kimmie. its hard. i’ve been there just like you before the pregnancy and after the pregnancy and struggle with trying to stay off the meds. its hard. jealousy thrown into the mix sucks. i want to say i’m jealous of lots of people and lots of things. mostly of people who don’t have mice living in their attic – so if you are rodent free, i’m jealous of you!

  7. NinaKaye

    I have the jealousy issues too. I’m happy for people that have *stuff*, but at the same time I’m insanely jealous that I don’t have *stuff*! I want *stuff*, damn it!
    If you have more than one bathroom at your house, I’m jealous. If you have 3 bedrooms, I’m jealous. If your bathtub is big enough for my wideass to actually sit in, I’m jealous. If your home never had wheels under it…I’m jealous!!
    Stop the insanity!!!
    I mean, I hope you feel better! (or something like that)

  8. kimmie

    LOL Lauren, I think some of us are just destined to have mice! I grew up with them in the old house we lived in, then we moved into a brand new one -ditched them. Went years without them, hubby and I bought our first house, and lived with the stupid things for 5 years. Moved… lived mouse house free for 7 years and just before we moved this time around noticed that we had been invaded!! (though I never seen them just their droppings)… now hopefully *knock on wood* we have ditched the dirty rodents. But I hear ya I was always jelous of people who had no mice. I was also jelous of people who always had spotlessly clean and organized homes. Try as I may I never can get to that point… could be because I have two kids.

  9. robyn

    And here we’ve been jealous lately of renters who can just call the landlord and have them fix it on their dime. We desperately need a new roof, hurricane season started yesterday (which they say is going to be worse than the last), and because of the Florida “2% of the value of your house deductible in named storms” law we got hit with last season we’re responsible for 3/4 of the replacement cost of the new roof with no way to pay for it whatsoever. Two babies in 16 months time doesn’t exactly leave an extra $3500 lying around anywhere. The grass really is always greener, I guess…
    I’m sorry it’s been so tough for you lately! Please know I’m thinking of you…

  10. zee

    Yvonne… depression is not selfish, and it usually points to the other direction, the lack of taking care of oneself, on some level or all levels -yes, physically, mental/emotional, and spiritually.
    Sometimes, in our depression, we turn away from God, or the Divine, when we should do the exact opposite.
    You are blessed, with a beauty not very many women come by. It’s in your eyes, your hair, your face, your curves, and the way you carry yourself. It’s in your funnies, and the unique way you look at things… And all of it flows and reflects in your family, your beautiful children, and your loving husband.
    I wish we could enjoy a White Mocha together, and a hug. :o)

  11. Autumn

    You need to remember that those people who have the things you wish you had….there are also things in their lives that make them depressed and miserable, things you aren’t burdened with, things you would never want.
    Those people you are jealous of? There is something about you that they are jealous of.
    That’s how life works. Neat, huh?

  12. Kristy

    My husband and I own a 3-bedroom home…and 2 of them are empty. I find myself insanely jealous of people like YOU. You have 3 beautiful children, which is something I don’t know that we’ll ever have. Your children love you deeply. They give you hugs and kisses and smiles. You can’t really say that about my house!

  13. Shaunta

    It’s funny (not funny haha, funny sad) that I have never dealt with depression myself, and yet it still rules my life. Because it seems that I am a magnet for depressed people. My oldest daughter gets slammed with it on a regular basis and it’s the scariest thing ever. I would rather take it on myself than see my baby deal with it. I just wanted to tell you something that my kid’s doctor told me once. He said that it was important that I make sure that Adrienne understands that the depression, while a real feeling, doesn’t reflect reality. I hope that makes sense to you. Hang in there. I second who ever said you should go see a doctor. Depression is a medical issue and God created doctors and medicine so that medical issues could be dealt with medically.

  14. Y

    You people are awesome.
    I just wanted to make it clear that I will go to the doctors if I get worse.
    I am not against medication, as I used to be on 40mg of prozac and lots of wellbutrin in the past.
    I just feel like I need to recognize that I need God’s help as well. And? I really don’t WANT to rely on med’s again. I hated the way they made me so… zombielike? But I’m not against it, or above it.
    I know that they help.

  15. kimmie

    Y, I just had a thought, I am like you I would rather use meds as a last resort. Have you looked into any herbal remedies that could help you feel a bit better?
    Just a thought.

  16. Tuesday

    I wanted my own house too, so badly. I finally got one but was not prepared to pay the price for it.
    My father died and he left me money, so I could buy a house.
    Sometimes you get what you want but it doesn’t make you as happy as you thought it would.
    live in the moment.

  17. mamacita

    Dear heart, you are surrounded by people who love you. Your family, your friends, and all these invisible internet people. . . .A lot of people who own a house would trade places with you any time.

  18. Chae

    Get thee to a good therapist. Someone who went to med school. Work on this. You owe it to yourself and your life. Don’t feel guilty for what happened before, b/c that’s just not effective or helpful. Therapy and meds are the only way to fly. Remember, you be good to yourself FIRST, then you can be good for everyone else. It’ll be ok… not tomorrow, but soon. I promise. (HUGS) Chae

  19. Leslie

    You are such a wonderful person and your daughter is beautiful and boys are handsome. I understand what you are going through because you look at your life and think”How can my life suck this bad when I have awesome kids like these?” It is so hard to stay above water. If it makes you feel any better I will pray for you!

  20. reese

    We humans are so funny and sad sometimes. Robyn made an interesting point of how she is jealous of renters and another world, while clearly people who are renting are jealous of home owning, etc.
    I think we all search for a lot of things and think other people have the things we don’t. We look to those external things to fill us up, but in general, that’s not what we need.
    I think you’re right in letting God help you out this time. I’m not going to get on a soapbox and say a relationship with him is all one needs. We all need relationships with others, good friends, good life partners (for some), little things that make us happy. But letting God in the picture can often help us SEE those other things around us and help us appreciate what we have rather than what is lacking.
    However, it’s not as simple as that, and as so many others have said, depression isn’t a selfish thing. With some people I have seen, yes, it is…it’s a melodramatic cry for attention (I’m speaking of those who manage to always think the world is out to get them and the rest of us should drop everything to fix it). But for you, and for many others, it’s a chemical issue. It is nothing to be ashamed of. You are clearly trying so hard on your own and are making great strides. Can I tell you how much I admire your strength? I really barely know you, yet a woman who writes such achingly honest and heartfelt posts as you must have great strength and humility. I think that is one of the things I really love most about you–you have an abundance of humility, even if you don’t think so. Remember that when you are feeling selfish. I read your blog to help remind me to be a more humble and gentle person, and you help me do that. Your depression is a physical thing that needs treatment, but that doesn’t make you any less of a woman or human in any way.

  21. Paula

    I hope you feel better soon, not just physically, but mentally too. Depression sucks, I used to say, oh that’ll never happen to me, but it did right after I got sick with diabetes and a heart condition. Depression hit me like a ton of bricks, and I have to say that Lexapro and therapy have helped. I do understand about not wanting to be on meds too, I still feel the same way, but I also know that without the meds Id be a sinking ship again and I dont want to go under. I think you’re great and one of my most favorite blogs that I actually look forward to reading every day. I hope you get your smile back soon.

  22. Beth

    Yvonne, lemme just add my thoughts to the list.
    First, you know you have a lot of love here. 🙂
    Second, I’m jealous of people with husbands. And more than one kid. It’s all about perspective.
    On the subject of depression: If you felt zombielike with your old meds, you may have been on the wrong dose or the wrong medication. A good doctor can tell you the side effects of each antidepressant, and the web sites for these are loaded with information. Speaking as someone with depression, these things sometimes take some ironing out. A friend of mine takes half a Prozac every day and probably will for the rest of her life. That’s okay. You have to find what works.
    Also, on the nonmedical side, helping other people can start taking the focus off your sadness. I know, like you’ve got so much free time; you already do a lot for your family. But if you go outside the family and start visiting the old lady down the block, or talking to the sad cashier at the grocery store, you can start getting past your feelings. It doesn’t cure things completely, but it does help.
    I’m going to stop here, lest I sound like the depression spokeswoman (and I could go on, trust me). Just know you have a lot of people pulling for you and waiting for you to make the next move. Big hugs! 🙂

  23. Mushster

    I second what kimmie said about being jealous of you. And now I’m jealous of her too ‘cos she has 4 whole readers damnit! I’m going off to sulk now! Retail therapy here I come >>>>>>

  24. Old Fart Grandma

    You are such an awsome and caring person I hate to see you ‘down’. As one who takes meds for depression myself I know what an awful feeling it is.
    Those people who have all those material things would in many instances give it all up to have what you have with your beautiful loving family. In many cases they are up to their ying yang in debt and can’t afford any of it anyway. Take care of yourself!

  25. dani

    Y, I know you probably don’t agree but depression is caused, a lot of the time, by chemical imbalances that you cannot control on your own. It is JUST like having diabetes. You have been fighting this for so long. Please think about going back on meds. I wouldn’t be able to go without my meds, and it ISN’T because I don’t have a relationship with God (I’ve got a great one), and it isn’t because I am weak. It is because my brain doesn’t produce the right chemicals. Don’t let this go!

  26. Amy S

    When I had my worst bout of depression I talked to my doctor and we decided to med it up. I was taking I think 75mg of effexor. Its a miracle drug if you don’t skip a day. You have to work your way on it and off it. Anyway I have been off for 4 years now.
    I think having a daughter (which I now have a 2 1/2 year old) makes something inside click with the whole needing of god in your life. It’s a good thing.
    I understand.

  27. anonygirl

    Man can I relate.. I’m just going to vent here since I don’t have a blog any more and I read yours and I just feel like I have to get this out somewhere. Jealousy.. It never really crept into my life as powerfully as it has now. Sometimes I feel as if I’m watching a train full of happy people with beautiful lives, kids, jobs, friends to which everything comes effortlessly. An in law was telling me yesterday about her car woes and how they are purchasing a beautiful lot in the mountains (to add to their 5 or so properties they already own.. 2 of which are on the beach and 1 that is about 6,000 sq. ft of luxury).. and she’s complaining to me about having to go car shopping? I wanted to scream to her that I don’t give a blank about her stupid car and her stupid life and her stupid blanking millions and that if she had half a brain she could SEE that I couldn’t possibly relate to these “problems”. Jealous? You betcha. Bitter to the core.. over what? superficial stuff.. and I know it’s ridiculous to feel this way and that just because you have money it doesn’t make you happy.. but having money can sometimes make you really stupid. Hah! I feel much better now.

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