Come home soon, sweet Aerobic Dance Instructor.

When my Aerobic Dance Instructor announced that she’d be leaving for Russia for the summer, I knew that I’d miss Aerobic Dance Class, but I had no idea just how much I’d miss it.
I hate “freestyling” at the gym. I hate it with a passion.
Machines are boring. One minute on the eliptical feels like 2 hours. I try everything to distract myself from the stupid little red timer in the hopes that it will go faster if I stop obsessing over each passing second. I put my towel over the timer, I read a magazine, I watch the TV with no sound, I think about people that I hate and how I’m going to kill them with my new muscular body, I think about Teh Sex and how I sure look forward to having it again someday when my husband finally decides to get his Shit Snipped, I think about my babies and ponies and rainbows and bloggers and…and…THEN I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE AND I LIFT UP THE TOWEL TO DISCOVER THAT ONLY 48 SECONDS HAS PASSED.
Not only are the machines boring, but they are dirty. I find myself dry heaving everytime I go to use a machine after a fellow gymmate has used it to find Sticky Ass Sweat lingering on the seat. HELLO? That is what the towel you are carrying around is for, you dirty pig.
Then there’s the issue of me being completely unable to control my gas whilst using any machine that involves the squeezing together of my legs. I try to be all “Yeah, I farted, SO WHAT?” about it, but honestly, farting at the gym amongst women who are walking around trying to prove that they are BETTER HUMAN BEING THAN YOU because they use 8 pound weights (as opposed to your lame little 5 pounders)makes me feel bad about myself.
Can we talk about the women who hog the machines now? Obviously, these are women who have no clue about the proper way to “work out” because everyone knows that 3 SETS OF 12 IS ENOUGH. Sitting there doing 100 leg presses isn’t going to win you a special place in Gym Heaven, so STEP OFF AND GIVE SOMEONE ELSE A TURN.
I miss the days where I could just get to the gym early, to “stretch and get prepared to own the aerobic dance floor with my totally awesome moves and burn a buttload of calories in the process.
No wiping other people’s ass sweat, no waiting for stupid people to share the machines, no boringness. Just pure, sweet, calorie burning dancing.
I hope she plans on coming back. I do not know what I’ll do if I find out that she’s gone forever. Seriously.

38 thoughts on “Come home soon, sweet Aerobic Dance Instructor.

  1. Stepherz

    Am I first? Wooo-hooo, better hurry typing before someone beats me! Anyhooo, I hate exercise too! With an absolute passion. But I could never do the dancing thing cause I’d make a fool of myself. No rhythm. I’m totally a white girl!

  2. Itchy

    I’ve been using the Yoga Booty Ballet DVD at my house and it’s been OK. I was trying to stick to the program and all that but I got bored. So I finally decided that I needed to just have fun if I was going to stick with it so I am now using the Yoga Booty Ballet Live! Go-Go DVD…let me tell ya! That is fun, fun, fun. Dancing and burning calories while doing so! Fun! Plus they have other DVDs with other dances…like Hip Hop Abs! I can’t wait.
    So, I tell you all that oh so interesting stuff about me and my life to say that maybe you can get something like that to use at your house and retain your title as aerobic dancing queen!

  3. Cindi

    You make me laugh– mostly because you say what we all feel, but in a way we wish we could say it! I feel the same way about the elliptical machine– I do all the same time-avoidance techniques you do. I wish I had some good advice– but I don’t!

  4. Vicky

    Yes, exactly right. I swear they make those eliptical timers slower than real clocks. I also hate having to enter my weight into that machine while everyone is looking. I totally cover the screen up with my towel and enter my weight under the cover of darkness…especially when I’m next to one of those bitches that don’t even need to type three numbers to enter their weight.

  5. E :)

    I’m training for a marathon at the moment (no, not a fitness freak – I’m trying to raise money for charity) and I find that while on weekends when I’m running with the running group I can run an insanely long way (16 miles or more), but during the week when I have to run on my own I can barely make it to 3 miles. Having group incentive is a big deal and I know exactly what you mean. I hope the Aerobic Dancing lady comes back for you!
    I hate people who don’t wipe their stinky sweat off the seat as well. Gross.

  6. gc

    Might I suggest Turbo Jam? I just recently bought the DVD from after seeing the informercial. It looked like it was going to be fun work-out. I think you’d like it. I tried it for the first time last night, just the learning dvd and can I say, ow! I felt muscles I never knew existed. This could be something you can do while thy precious aerobic instructor is vacationing.

  7. kimberlee

    Machine hogs totally chap me. “Helloooo? Can you not read the 30-min. limit sign??” At least at our gym, they provide paper towels for the user to wipe down the equipment after use – not that I ever see anyone but me do it. Blech…

  8. Charlie

    Try watchin that crazy bee-yo-itch on Bravo. She makes you wanna go to her gym and punch her. But I digress. Not even sure what that means. Sounded appropriate.
    I should be an aerobic instructor. I suppose I would have to learn it first, huh?

  9. Y

    Charlie! I saw the previews for that show, but have not watched it yet. I must watch it now. I love watching people on TV that make me want to punch them.

  10. Bev

    I KNOW that those timers on the machines are in Roman time or something! I’ve never seen time go slower! Not even in an English Lit. class!

  11. jennifer

    The people at my gym are pscycho about cleaning off the machines. One time I used the treadmill to WALK for half an hour, and the girl who was signed up after me was all “can you, like, CLEAN that off or something?” I said no. I hadn’t even touched it, except to turn up the speed in the beginning, and then to hit stop. If she can’t deal with a fingerprint on a public treadmill, then she should invest in a bubble to live in.
    Then I ran out there before she killed me.

  12. langus

    If she doesn’t come back you should approach the gym manager about teaching the class yourself.
    You would rock it.

  13. robin

    Don’t let those 8 lb hussies make you feel bad…the only reason you don’t hear them passing gas is because it gets trapped by the butt floss stuck in their cracks.

  14. Tammy

    I just joined Curves, and I tell you, it’s not boring! There’s no time to be bored, because every 30 seconds (literally) the lady on the CD says “Switch stations…now” and off I go! And you could do aerobic dancing on the in-between platforms! Woo hoo! 30 second dance routines!

  15. Katie

    I usually bring a radio w/ headphones along and watch TV (so I can see AND hear it, you see). If I go when there’s something I want to watch, then I’m forced to keep exercising if I want to see the rest of the show.
    and, if everyone around you is wearing headphones, then they can’t hear you fart! or, at least I hope they can’t. that would be pretty embarassing if they could hear me over their ipods.
    summer is almost over, you will be aerobic dancing again before you know it!

  16. Jennifer

    I was at the gym working out with dh once and I look over and this guy is drinking out of my water bottle!!! I was like “honey, look at that, that guy is drinking my water!” LOL, thank God I saw him before I went over and took a big swig. And I agree I would much rather go to a class then walk on the damn ellepitcal.. walk.. ellept.. whatever haha.. are there other classes you think you’d might like?

  17. Victoria

    Hahaha farting on the machines – that’s awesome. I too hate the gym, but now I’ll be laughing thinking of you going through what I do.

  18. lena

    Do what I do, Y. Stick your leg out as little skanks walk by and trip them. (“Oops! Sorry!”) It makes the time FLY.

  19. beanie's mama

    hey, at least you’re still going to the gym – with or without your aerobic dancing! oh how i miss the gym…i have a recumbent bike at home and i used it for almost a month and then stopped for 3 and now i’m trying to get back on, but the motivation is SO lacking!
    i know what you mean w/time going ever-so-slowly when on machines. i miss taking classes myself.
    like i said, at least you still go and you have the results to prove it! i’m still hanging onto some prego weight, but i’m not obsessing over it as much anymore. it is what it is…i’ll lose it when i actually get motivated enough. hmmm…maybe i should i look at your flickr pics again. those always motivate me!

  20. tricialicious

    hey wait a couple of weeks and we can go to jazzercise together, I promise you’ll love it! BTW What the hell, why didn’t you call me back?

  21. ali

    i am SOOO with you.
    i find the machines sooo boring and the classes go so much quicker.
    my problem with classes is that i work til 4 and all the classes that i want to take are during the day. sucky.

  22. Antique Mommy

    Hate the gym for all those reasons you mentioned. Working out is just not something I want to do with other gross humans. I just don’t want to hear a stranger two feet away from grunting and groaning and breathing heavy.

  23. Virenda

    I try to work out and I PREFER classes because the rest of the gym intimidates me and I can’t stand butt sweat. Seriously wrong.
    I finally decided to bite the bullet and empty my wallet for a personal instructor. I mean empty too. Let’s hope it works.
    I’ve been imagining meeting people at BlogHer and it passes a good 20 seconds before I realize my legs are on fire and I’m about to throw up.

  24. Jenn

    HMM I always new there was a wonderful reason NOT to go to the gym…you know I suppose I can say happily after reading your post I have never even set foot inside one! 😀
    I hate excersise too, but try to get out and walk 3-4 miles every day, but with the 100+ heat and the HIGH humidity, I have missed them for the past 2 weeks…I tried but almost fanted and fanting when your a mile from home pushing a stroller with a 2 year old in it = not such a good idea! 😀

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