Obviously, Wanna Be Writer’s Block is still in full effect.

Years ago, I hired a personal trainer. (I hired him for 10 sessions, but only actually showed up to 3 because Oh.My.God. He wore Dove shorts! And had excessive body hair! He seriously grossed me out enough to not show up for 7 PREPAID sessions, because DUDE…Dove shorts.) In the 3 workouts that I managed to get through without puking, he taught me proper techniques for lifting weights and using the machines.
I have to admit that deep down, I feel superior because of my (very limited) knowledge of weight lifting technique, but the truth is, I really don’t know shit.
Last night, I was laying on the bench, doing some free weight chest presses, quite possibly feeling cocky whilst using my Proper Weight Technique, when all of a sudden, my left arm starting burning like a bitch. I thought it was strange that I hardly felt anything in my right arm, but justified it by saying “Well, I’m right handed, so my left arm is weaker!”
I noticed a woman walk by and look at me, because at that point, I could barely lift my left arm. My right arm was all up in the air waiting for the left one to get up there and join it. I was grunting and pushing myself through the lobsided pain, when I suddenly realized the problem.
I was using a 8 pounder on my left arm and a 5 pounder on my right. I was mortified because HAHA! I’m a jackass! But, instead of correcting the problem by getting the proper weights, I tried to play it off by switching the weights, as if to say “YEAH, I DID IT ON PURPOSE.”
I can’t help but worry a little bit about having uneven arms, like, one being bigger than the other. Like my boobs!

(PigHunter also recently pointed out to me that one of my eyes is smaller than the other, so I’m just one big, sexy hunk of uneven body parts! Too bad for you, I’m Taken, bitches.)
I need to look into taking up a sport because 2 days a week of Aerobic Dancing isn’t going to cut it and Freestyling it at the gym just isn’t working out the way that I had hoped it would. As much as I wanted to believe that it would grow on me and that one day I’d love it, maybe even master it, my unequally sore arms are further prove that it just isn’t “my thang” and I don’t think that it ever will be.

34 thoughts on “Obviously, Wanna Be Writer’s Block is still in full effect.

  1. Vicky

    I’ve been waiting for my body to crave the exercise for months now. I’ve been going and going and going to aerobics but nothing. If I miss a night my body doesn’t “miss” it. I read blogs where women (runners especially) say that missing a workout makes them unhappy because their body craves it. When I don’t go to the gym my body cries “victory! I get to sit on the couch and eat cookies and watch prime time!”
    I am thinking though that I would like to play soccer. I’m just having no luck finding a team of moms-who-work-the-same-hours-i-do-and-are-also-fat-like-me-and-also-would-rather-hang-at-starbucks-than-practice. When I find them I will be all over that sport!

  2. Nina

    First, I have to ask…what are Dove shorts??
    I DVR Denise Austin in the mornings and do that (not the yoga, I don’t understand all that). And I found a website (sparkpeople.com) that’s kind of like ediets, except it’s free, and there are exercises on there. The closest gym to me is 45 miles away and I’m can either afford to get there, or to get in there, not both. So I have to make do.

  3. beanie's mama

    ahahhaha…uneven body parts. i’m with you! my right arm is longer than my left and my eyes are uneven too. i’m sure there are others, but knowing of 2 is enough for me!
    dove shorts? what’s that?

  4. Y

    Ok, the fact that none of you know what Dove Shorts are tells me that I am calling them the wrong name.
    You know, those little shorts that were popular in the 80’s? WAIT. WERE THEY DOLPHIN SHORTS?

  5. Y

    They were like, really short, really shiny shorts that kinda went up on the side.
    I need to google it. but I have to load the dishwasher first. 😉

  6. Nina

    Ah…cheerleader camp shorts. haha Oh god, I’d hate to see a man in those!! I totally don’t blame you for not going back. hahahaha

  7. Itchy

    We’re all nothing but uneven body parts…for real you! Some things are just more noticeable.
    And I would have totally played that thing off, too. Yeah…I meant to be using two different weights. Yeah…I did. I’d have gone PeeWee on their asses!

  8. Y

    I WILL give it another chance, I have no choice really. I have to lose the rest of the weight…
    BUT! I want to have fun doing it. Why isn’t this fun?
    I want to take up rock climbing, but I’m afraid of slipping and dying, or becoming paralyzed, so I’ll stick to the stupid gym.

  9. Laura

    They’re like “Richard Simmons” shorts. Oddly enough, I knew exactly what you meant by Dove Shorts, but I also do not know if that’s what they are called.
    I had some in the early 80s where two quarter panels would be solid blue and the other two panels would be white, or striped ones, oh yeah, I was the shit…….

  10. Paige

    Have you ever tried “the Firm”? I HATE exercise. HateHATEhate. But I have been doing the Firm videos since June and have lost almost 30 pounds. They’re really, REALLY good videos. I’d highly recommend them.
    also? Sorry if you weren’t looking for assvice.

  11. Y

    Thanks for that, Paige, I’ll have to check those out.
    p.s. WOW! 30 pounds? Good for you! I KNOW how hard it is to lose. Congrats!

  12. Jenn

    You should bike! Of course that involves buying a bike, unless you already have one. But I am SOOOOO not an athlete and this is the only thing athletic that I actually really love. The thing that’s great is you can start from nothing. You can be in lousy shape and get on a bike and ride it.
    The longer/harder you ride the more workout you get, but even when you’re killing yourself there’s just something inherently fun about it. I think it’s the going faster than all the suckers hoofin’ it on their dumb 2 feet.
    I highly recommend it unless you have some aversion to it.
    Other than that I’d say try something that you can do that is fun on its own but also happens to be a workout. I don’t know exactly what’s available to you but something like hiking or yeah, rock-climbing. Something like that, I don’t know.
    Good luck! Also, I love the story about the weights. So funny.

  13. demodnoll

    I so remember the dolphin shorts! everyone one the track team had them.
    You’re a brave one. I don’t care for the weight room at all- i go straight to the classes…

  14. Amber

    Yvonne! I need your help!! I couldn’t find your email addy & I wanted to find out if you could help me with a project! Email me when you get a chance.

  15. Brandi

    Ahhh. I have fine memories of myself in those lovely, shiny, red shorts with the white stripe cut up the side. I usually paired them with knee-high sports socks with the 3 red stripes at the top and a pair of Puma’s. And if I was really rockin’ it, I’d wear my Jordache mock-leather sack purse with the thin strap over my head and across my body.
    Yeah…I was the shiznit.

  16. poobou

    About the uneven arms thing: nature is not symmetrical. If you have two of anything (ears, eyes, boobs, what-have-you), they’re going to be slightly different. The only perfectly even body parts in the world that exist are those that have been surgically altered. So you get down with your asymmetrical self, woman.

  17. Maria

    Except for my face, everything on my left side is bigger than everything on my right.
    Dancing burns calories. Is there a dance class you can take?

  18. Nila

    I heart you for trying free weights. You’re ballsy!
    Why don’t you try other classes your gym has to offer. That’s what I’ve been doing, and I never get bored. From power yoga to step aerobics. Yesterday I did; above the belt/below the belt, and we used those big giant balls. Fun with big giant balls, what more could I ask for.

  19. steen

    Free weights are The Suck. But they’re way more effective than most machines. I’m such a weakling though. 5 and 10 pound weights, plz!
    If it makes you feel better, Forrest’s ears are uneven and his nose is crooked. Me? I am the Epitome of Perfection. 😛

  20. Kyla

    I don’t know what the shorts are called, but I totally envisioned them because they are the only shorts I know that are awful enough to scare someone off from pre-paid training sessions.
    I think you were a little unfair to the “girls” there…your paint skills didn’t capture the amazing-ness.
    Why do I always end up talking about yout boobs? *lol*

  21. Sara

    I miss you too. I don’t have the Internet right now so I have to go to the library. So Jay’s new lady has a book out? Well, since I’m at the library…haha. Yeah, right. I’m not sure it’s library worthy, even Birmingham library worthy.

  22. Izzy

    Dove shorts….lololol. If I’m not mistaken those are the Richard Simmons/Hooters girls shorts that were really popular in the 80’s, right?
    PLUS excessive body hair? Yeeeeeeee! No wonder you never went back.
    And don’t feel bad…my boobs are lopsided.

  23. Belinda

    Let’s see…I’ve lost 14 pounds in 3 weeks, but it required major, grotesque surgery. I don’t recommend it. So you just keep doing what you’re doing, because it’s working. And if you find out how to overcome the exercise hatred? PLEASE SHARE.

  24. melly

    So last night, Matt and I were doing some puzzles in one of his books. One puzzle was the standard, “how many words can you make from the following phrase?” The phrase was “Walk the Plank.”
    Do you know what he wrote?
    HOLLA. There is no O in the phrase, but I was proud nonetheless.

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