The One I Started Writing Over 3 Hours Ago But Just Now Finished Because People Be Calling My House and Knocking On My Door NonStop, Man.

You know how I was all “Hey! You should watch The Old Adventures of New Christine because I totally interviewed the cast!”
So, um, did you watch it?
Because I didn’t.
But! It’s not my fault! You see, last night I went to Aerobic Dance Class and just before I left, I looked PigHunter in the eye and said “Babe, can you please record TNAOOC for me?”
He shot back with a bit of an attitude. “Why? Why do I have to record it?”
“Um, because I want to watch it but since I also want to go to Aerobic Dance, I need you to record it so I can watch it when I get home.”
“uh, ok.”
Apparently “Uh, ok” means, “I’m going to totally get sucked into Deal or No Deal and forget all about recording your show, but um, hey, next time you want to watch a show, set the dvr yourself or stay home and watch it!”
I can’t say that I regret going to Aerobic Dance Class, but I can say that I regret trusting A MAN to do something he said he was going to do.
Oh, but I am joking. Men are wonderful and I’m not just saying that because they get boners.
(We interrupt this post to bring you some breaking news. Y is being stalked by a little black spider. When she went to go get a glass of diet pepsi, he was hanging from her door jam. She knocked it down with a dirty sock and tried to find it to kill it, but he was nowhere to be found. A few minutes later, she was making her bed and he appeared on her bed post, all staring at her like “Watchu’gonna do to me now, bitch?” She ran to get a piece of toilet paper to smash it, but by the time she got back, the little asshole had disappeared. Just now as she was typing this post, he started running up the wall next to her computer desk. She swears he flipped her the bird and he scurried off into the corner of the window sill. Y is now afraid for her life and doesn’t know how she’s going to sleep tonight knowing a little black stalker is waiting to attack her in her sleep.)
I wish I had a great story to tell you about Aerobic Dance Class last night, but I do not, because – and it kills me a little on the inside to say this outloud—[little voice] it kind of sucked [/little voice]
For starters, me and my cousin (who has been taking this class with me since the beginning of time.) were the only people in the class. Well, until Snotty Mc. Spandex showed up just before the music started pumping.
Normally, I would have LOVED to have been one of only 3 people in class because HELLO ATTENTION FROM THE INSTRUCTOR! But, she announced that she was going to be teaching “The Belly Dance” and, well, all of the extra weight I’m carrying around combined with the fact that I forgot to tie a sweatshirt around my waist to help camouflage The Jiggle, I was so not comfortable with doing things like “The Shimmy” and “The Figure 8.”
I was so paranoid about The Jiggle the entire class that it was hard to enjoy the dance. And it didn’t help that every 3 seconds Anna would look DIRECTLY AT MY STOMACH and shout “Abdominals IN! Keep your abdominals IN!”
I wanted to lift up my shirt and scream “THEY ARE AS IN AS THEY ARE GOING TO GET, WOMAN.” Because no matter how hard I suck that shit in, my “abdominals” are still going to look like a freshly popped open can of biscuits on board a bus ride through a rocky dirt road.
The entire class I kept thinking “inside of this overweight tub o’lard lives a really hot, muscular woman who isn’t afraid to “Shimmy Faster” I could feel her wanting to bust out from inside me and THRUST HER HIPS HARDER!” But last night I was so aware of just how much weight I’ve put on and how lumpy and jiggly my body has become again that I couldn’t enjoy the class like I have in the past.
I had these feelings when I first started taking Aerobic Dance Class, but as time went on and I lost weight and became more confident in My Moves, I stopped caring about The Lumps and The Jiggles and just started to have fun with it.
I want to have fun with it again, damn it. I want to love The Aerobic Dance like I did in 2005.
My issues with my body weren’t the only reasons the class sucked. The dance itself was a liiiiiiittle lame. She’s done belly dancing before and I remember it being fun and exciting and it making me a little hornay because of all of the moves involving hip thrusts. Last night it was dull and she only had a combination of 6 moves, which, for a pro like me, is like, boooooring.
Whoops, did that make me sound like an aerobic dancing snob?
Anyway, I plan on incorporating some new and different workouts into my routine. I’m going to start “running” at the park, doing more free weights and maybe, perhaps, quite possibly [little voice] doing a little Billy Blanks Boot Camp up in my family room. [/little voice].
(Ha! Ha! I said “new” and “different”.)
I think someone needs to invent a “workout and burn thousands of calories whilst sitting at your computer balawwwwwging” dvd because dudes, that would rule.

35 thoughts on “The One I Started Writing Over 3 Hours Ago But Just Now Finished Because People Be Calling My House and Knocking On My Door NonStop, Man.

  1. nazila

    I love you just for this alone.
    Because no matter how hard I suck that shit in, my “abdominals” are still going to look like a freshly popped open can of biscuits on board a bus ride through a rocky dirt road.”
    I feel your pain right there.
    I am going to have to make me some poppin fresh bisquits this weekend!

  2. Elizabeth

    That workout that burns thousands of calories while I blog? Sign me the hell UP for that!
    Belly Dancing? Ugh. Give me a good regular Aerobics class full of Grapevines and box steps any day.

  3. Tiffany

    Wow. That there is serious dedication. The last time I started a super-long journal post and kept getting interrupted, when I finally got done with it I was so bored with myself that I just deleted the whole thing.
    Oh, ad Anna? Needs her ass kicked.

  4. Karianna

    Get a TiVo. Lifesaving! Wonderful! Sweet! TiVo! You can Have It All when recording shows is out of a human’s hands. Although that Spider may intervene…

  5. Y

    Well, we have DVR, but he just didn’t hit “record” for me. (In all fairness to him, I should have set the timer myself, but you know, I didn’t and so it’s his fault.)

  6. tiffany

    i don’t burn millions of calories while blogging?
    i thought all that thinking and spelling and whatnot had to be worth something.
    y, thank you for pointing out the truth.
    this really explains a lot about my own ‘freshly popped tube of bisuits’ stomach.
    i guess i have to do some crunches now.

  7. Heather

    Fonda ain’t got a motor in the back of her Honda 😛
    I’m sure you don’t look nearly as silly as you think you did, Y, and I’m positive you don’t look as silly as me when I tried to do yoga a few months back. I spent the whole class terrified that I was gonna fart from being twisted into all these weird positions!

  8. Andrea

    Because no matter how hard I suck that shit in, my “abdominals” are still going to look like a freshly popped open can of biscuits on board a bus ride through a rocky dirt road.
    You are so awesome. What literary description! I so admire that you go to Aerobic Dance in the first place. Some of us ain’t got the rhythm and moves like you, sista!
    I watched New/Old Christine last night. I thought of you, Y, the whole time too! It was pretty funny stuff. I’d watch it again. CBS had a good idea in lobbying you bloggers!

  9. Joelle

    Dude, if you do Yoga Booty Ballet, I will totally do it “with you” and then we can make fun of each other for actually doing Yoga Booty Ballet.
    And then we can get Starbucks. HAHAHA!

  10. Kristie

    Hey, at least you’re actually DOING something about your freshly popped can of biscuits. I admire you for that.
    Me? I just sit around and gripe because people keep asking me if I’m pregnant. Which I’m not. I’m just FAT, people!!!
    Now, pass the chocolate. I have some serious blog-calorie-burning to do, what with all the backspacing and all.

  11. Candy

    Woman! I think that no matter how thin we are we all have a little jiggle we want to get rid of. And let me tell you that Ben and Jerry do NOT help with the jiggle factor. Belly Dancing is the bestest way to rid that belly fat the fastest!
    Oh and about spiders… you might find me a bit craaaazzaaay but eh… let them live. They eat the other bugs! That is unless you live in one of those areas that has killer spiders… eeek!
    ok I done now.

  12. Melina

    I actually did watch The New Adventures of Old Christine and I thought of you. I said, hmmm I wonder if Y is watching this? I guess you’ve answered my question, but I am very happy to hear you are back at the gym, it motivates me to get my ass back too. If Y can do it garsh darn it so can I. I so feel your pain, I can’t do heavy aerobics because of medical problems, but I can do the treadmill and weights, but it gets sooo boring. But if I’m ever going to lose this damn weight I need to get my butt moving too. Hope Aerobic Dance Class gets better or you find some other things that are fun as well.

  13. JoAnn

    OMG!! I am totally with you on the ‘abs in’ thing. Um, mine are in! I totally 100% get the whole weight struggle. My life’s story. I started WW ( again) in 2004. Lost almost 40 lbs- got to 130 looked and felt great. But, man, if I could just get down to 125- then it would be perfect. Well, I tried and tried and the lowest I got was 127- for a day. I maintained my 128-130ish weight for over a year. But dammit! I want to weigh 125- and its not happening. Then I started slacking- never completely giving up- but really slacking and here we are- 20 lbs back on. Now I am back on track with WW and determined to get it off. AGAIN. But sistah- I hear ya!

  14. Kathy

    I started to watch the show but can’t stand her (Julia Louis Dreyfus). I am also probably the only person in the world who never watched Seinfeld.

  15. Jenny

    You’ve just inspired me to drag my iGallop over to my computer desk. I will be working out and blogging. Just see if I don’t.
    And yes, I have an iGallop. You may mock me mercilessly.

  16. nila

    I took an Arabic belly dancing class once and it was all about being large and in charge. She had us shimmy our fat, and kept telling us that she wanted to see us jiggle. It was so liberating, not to metion sexy in a strange exotic way.

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