Looking forward to “A.J.”

My life B.J (Before Judy) was pretty normal.
Well, as normal as ones life can be with three kids and 2 bulging disks, anyway.
If I wanted to hop in my van to go grab a caramel macchiato from Starbucks, well then I’d freaking hop in my van and head on over to Starbucks.
If I wanted to sit outside in the grass to watch my kids play while sipping on an iced green tea, well, I’d grab that iced green tea and plop my ass on the grass.
Oh, how I miss those days.
Now, if I want to grab a cup of coffee at Starbucks, I have to look both ways before crossing the street to get into my van. And I have to RUN! And when I get back, I have to make sure “she’s” no where in site and then I have to run again to hurry back inside the house where I lock the door quickly behind me.
Now, I must do my laundry before 6 am, or wait until late at night so that there’s no chance of Judy “walking her dog” around the block and WHOOPS! Right up onto my front door step.
I’m all jumpy and irrational any time I have to go out front and trust me, I have GOOD REASON to be this way.
This morning, I had exactly 10 minutes before I needed to be on a conference call (omg! Am a work at home mom!) so I thought I’d strip the bed and throw my sheets in the laundry real quick. I figured it was safe, because it was already over 100 degrees outside and surely, Judy wouldn’t walk her dog in the 100+ heat, right?
I opened the front door, bed sheets in hand and about halfway to the garage, I heard what sounded EXACTLY like a Crazy Old Lady walking a dog.
Oh Shit! Can not talk to her. Phone call in 10 minutes. AHHHHHH!
I ran into the garage as fast as one can run with 2 bulging disks and dirty sheets in hand and peeked through the garage window.
Oh my God! Judy!
I darted for the side door, which leads to the backyard. Just as I was about to quietly close it behind me, I caught a glimpse of Judy walking across the grass towards the front door.
Oh SHIT again! Did she see me? And if she did, is she going to start chasing after me?
She obviously didn’t see me, because she started knocking on the front door. “Helloooooooo”
Oh shit, yet again!
The boys were inside and what if they answered the door and were all “Yeah, she’s here, let me get her!”
I was going to pound on their window and start shouting things like “do not answer the dooorrrr!!” But then, I remembered Judy was just a few feet away and would hear me if I began shouting through the window.
So, I ran through the back yard, to the sliding glass window. I threw it open and ran down the hall, where my children were watching The Fresh Prince of Bel Air, completely oblivious to little old lady pounding on the front door (and the fact that their mother had been hiding from said crazy person in the back yard.)
“Mom, why are you out of breath?”
“Yeah, and why are you sweating?”
Ohhhhhh… haha, that. Um, well, I was hiding from Judy again.
I’m sure their “Respect” for me as a mother and a human being went up about 10 notches right then and there.
My mom, she’s great. She hides from old people. You should hang out with her sometime.
(Because this isn’t the first time I’ve ran away/hid from Judy. Last Saturday, Tony saw her coming up the street while he was washing the van and calmly told me to “go inside.” And because I knew exactly why he was telling me to go inside, I jumped up off of the porch and RAN inside.)
(Where I then proceeded to take a picture of her standing by my van, just in case I ever need it as EVIDENCE for that restraining order.)

(Ok, not really, but that’s kind of what I imagine is going through her precious little head as she’s standing there waiting for me to SHOW MY FACE.)
I know there’s a very good chance that I’m being unfair to Judy and that she’s really a precious old woman who has a good heart and perhaps a few thousand dollars that she’s just waiting to transfer into my bank account to help me buy a house because she’s not a crazy stalker at all, but an Angel Unaware who has been sent to heaven to show me that God is real and he loves me and wants me to live the American Dream. But, seriously, I doubt it. So, I really need to have a “conversation” with her and let her know that we really don’t need any help making any decisions about buying/renting a house because its’ a personal decision and NONE OF HER FUCKING BUSINESS.
But Bless yer little heart, Judy. Bless yer FREAKING little heart.

65 thoughts on “Looking forward to “A.J.”

  1. Maya

    Oh man. This reminds me of my junior year in high school when I did homestudy and my pastor would just show up out of the blue and knock on the door while I was listening to Duran Duran really loud. One day I hid underneath the front window while he knocked. I hid because I was wearing a tank top! And short shorts! So he knocked. And knocked. And knocked. Because surely I was home studying!
    I hate it when people drop by unannounced.

  2. cassie

    Oh my god, this lady is crazy as batshit! At least you won’t live there forever, right?
    And also, at least she’s not some guy. Because then, not only would you have to run away from her, but you’d probably also have to change your name and perhaps leave the state.
    Or, at least, I’m hoping that her gender will eliminate these options.
    Good luck! You rock!

  3. MamaLee

    I’d tell her “thanks but no thanks” and if she continued to bother you, I’d get a restraining order.
    And I guess you supposed to meet this chick, because, after all, there is a lesson in everything? So what can you learn from this? That wine is yummy at any hour of the day, that the hose can in fact reach across the driveway and across the street to anything or anyONE, and that innocent LOOKING old ladies are evil.
    What does your Dad say?

  4. Y

    My dad says not to tell her ANYTHING ELSE about my personal life, because she’s crazy. That’s what he said.

  5. EDW

    Oh, Lord. I am terrified of my neighbors doing something like this because we’re the young ones on the block by like 50 years. My husband says I’m just not friendly enough to the neighbors, but the thing is, I’m too friendly. I seriously I dart inside so I don’t have to talk to them for hours while my kid does God know what. I so feel for you, I’d be hiding, too.

  6. Debbie

    I DO NOT blame you AT ALL! I have been stalked by neighbors before and it is horrible. They watch for your car to drive in, they peek in your windows…tell her you have leprosy or something. Or move.

  7. Y

    we’re definitely moving.
    We just have to find a house.
    Which, by the way, I’m going to look at one now!

  8. Danielle

    I think that you should just take the one that you are going to look at. Who really cares what it’s like as long as it’s in a different neighborhood.
    crazy. big time crazy.

  9. Melanie

    Oh, man, that sucks. Just make sure when you move she doesn’t manage to weasel your address out of someone and move, too, just to follow you.

  10. boogiemum

    I’ve had some crazy neighbors in the past. This is one of the reasons why I want to move out to the middle of no place. You can’t escape the crazy neighbors; they are everywhere!

  11. Mom101

    Oh Jeebus. At what point can you just say to her, “Look crazy lady, you seem sweet, but I’m someone who really values my privacy. And also you’re crazy.”

  12. Y

    Well, I think that point will be tomorrow, because I’m tired of hiding.
    But, I have a feeling she’s still not going to leave me alone. but who knows, maybe she’ll surprise me!

  13. Karen

    HEY!!! Have your dad go out and invite her to his church, because, he doesnt’t want anyone giving his baby advice unless they know jebus!

  14. lindsay

    el oh freakin’ el
    i can’t even tell you how many times i fake things to avoid talking to some people… and i never consciously realized it until now — there are lots of Judy’s in my little world

  15. Jenny H.

    Y’all kill me, you really do.
    All I know is that you gotta do something. She is messin’ with your caramel macchiato’s, and that ain’t right.
    Stop the insanity…

  16. Sandra

    I just finished watching “Notes on a Scandal”, and this scenario reminds me of you! Well, except about the whole having relations with your underage student and going to jail, but that is so you right now! LOL.

  17. Denise

    You are so flippin hilarious! And don’t worry; I’m a member of the Moms Who Hide From People at the Door Club, too.

  18. erinn

    Stay at home worker mom? what are you doing? when did it start?… (im kinda stalking you right now sorry)

  19. Karen

    We are bing stalked right now. a restraining order will not help, it has done nothing for us. She calls on pay phones. We have anonymous call block because she blocked her #. They will do what they can to fly under the radar of the law. It’s like being raped repeatedly with no proof. Crazy people know how to work things and get to you without having proof that the law can follow. We won’t renew our order, because it does no good. I found a great website that helps me cope. Take notes!
    Good luck, I hope you can move soon.

  20. Amy the Mom

    Do you know how hard it is to explain to my husband why I’m laughing so hard that tears are streaming down my face? He’s actually irritated that I won’t share the humor. I advised him he need only visit your archives and he’ll know exactly why I’m helplessly hysterical.

  21. Sandee

    Y…. do you want me to send you some of my wigs so you can go out incongnito??? Let me know & I will ship them to you as soon as I stop laughing my ass off! God I love you!

  22. Rachael

    OH MY! She is crossing the line about something that isn’t her business! If I were you…I’d borrow those wigs from Sandee and pretend you were Y’s twin sister. 😉 lol!

  23. Sasha

    That picture is too much. LOL
    Lucky for you her dog isn’t out to get you too.
    She doesn’t lecture your husband too? She just has it out for you?

  24. kim

    you REALLY need to talk to her once more and tell her to leave you alone and stay out of your business. you’re all grown up, it’ll be fine. 🙂

  25. elizabethsheryl

    I basically had this exact same thing happen but with Mormon Missionary boys who would ride their bike to my house and knock on the door and I’d hide and HIT THE FLOOR so they didn’t see me in the window. That’s what I get for being nice to them the first time. eep.

  26. ephelba

    Stand up for yourself, lady! You can do it! You need to do it! Be rude- sometimes it’s called for! Nobody (like yourself) should be denied something she needs (like being able to walk around her yard) because she’s been trained to be “Nice”.

  27. Kathy

    *watches SJ’s dick bulge and gets a woody*
    Dude, what if you put a bag of dog poop on the curb and right as she starts barreling towards your house, light it on fire? Then call the cops and tell them you found The Perp and she’s wearing dog shit on her foot.
    That could work. Or you could do what I would do and just hide until she gives up. HA!

  28. Maria

    Unfortunately, I think she probably won’t get it when you tell her thanks but no thanks. She is obviously CRAZZEEEE! Once, possibly twice, is being nice. Constant attempts to “help” you is freaky. I will keep my fingers crossed that it works for you.

  29. Heather B.

    Not gonna lie these time of Judy moments are surprisingly entertaining for the rest of us. While I do feel for you, because I once had a crazy male stalker neighbor, it makes for some excellent comedic writing.
    But seriously, where did she come from??? And why doesn’t she get the hint??

  30. Kirsteekay

    These entries about Judy are hysterical! The woman is bloody nuts! Hope you tell her soon so she won’t be a bother anymore.

  31. Judy

    Well there you are dear! My goodness! I have been looking all over for you! Where on god’s green earth have you been? I miss you so much and we really hit it off and you are my new best friend. I want to teach you how to macrome`. I guess you must have been busy because I have been by your house time and time again and I must keep missing you! I have seen your sweet husband and your beautiful children. Why aren’t you ever at home with them? Did you know that I was out the other day in ONE HUNDRED degree weather, walking my little dog. I thought I saw you in the garage, but then you were gone so it must not have been you because you didn’t come out and talk with me. My poor little old heart can’t take all of this excitement. I have been walking Fluffy at least three or four DOZEN times a day because I miss talking with you, darling. We must talk. Because I need to help you. You need me to help you. And make you some bean dip.
    Now My Sweet Dear Y, let’s talk about this Buying vs. Renting Business….

  32. Beth

    Dudette, I would totally recommend not saying anything confrontational to her. When she brings up the house thing again, just nod, say, “I’ll think about that,” excuse yourself and leave. You don’t have to be ultra-polite, but I get the feeling that saying anything confrontational would just bring on more grief. But reclaim your right to sit on the porch and do laundry at all hours of the day. Just “uh-huh” or ignore her and she’ll eventually stop talking to you and find someone else who’ll engage with her. It’s kind of a sad situation, really, because she’s probably harmless and just annoying and lonely, but then again, it isn’t your job to take care of everyone in the neighborhood. Tough but true.

  33. Liana

    Well, now I’m sucked in. I came upon your ongoing Tale of Woe (from amalah’s links page) regarding Judy just this morning, and I’m already checking back after lunch to see if more has happened, if you have prevailed, if she is still skulking around your house knocking on windows (that’s what really put it over the freakin’ top for me)….in other words, I MUST know how this turns out!!!! I will be tormented, I will DREAM about Judy (actually I might, stranger things have happened) unless you update us all!! *sighs dramatically, drapes forearm against forehead*.
    P.S. your entries are also generally a good read. 🙂

  34. Joy T.

    I say get Stone Phillips from Dateline on the case. I’ve watched him on tv and he’s cracked tougher nuts than Judy. Personally? I think it’s the hat that makes Judy so scary.

  35. suburban turmoil

    You’re just going to have to suck it up and tell her to buzz off. You need your life back, Y. Tough love. Be strong. Or maybe buy her off with a $15 iTunes card and the latest issue of Real Simple.
    The picture of Judy, by the way? AWESOME!

  36. Monet (aka birdsboss)

    Fricken Judy with that stupid hat….she sux old man farts and her vagima is like a wizard’s sleeve lol high five…

  37. Nila

    You need to blame it on your man. Tell her that Pig Hunter doesn’t like you discussing your personal matters with people and he’s handling the house thing. Old ladies understand that old fashioned, pre-feminism, bull shit.

  38. BOSSY

    You’re too much. Bossy one time had a neighbor like that and she was so frantic to avoid him that she twisted her ankle on a backporch step and landed in the Emergency Room.
    Be warned.

  39. Preita

    Good lord woman! I thought I had it weird when the little old lady up the street would walk 1/2 way up my driveway & shake her head in disapprovement at my lawn!
    I understand you hiding though because honestly, it’s way easier than talking to that crazy old bat!

  40. Not The Mama

    Good lord! This is ridiculous. I feel so bad for you that you are sculking and hiding from her. (Though, selfishly, I find it hilarious, especially the the evidence you have so carefully obtained and labeled.) Hopefully she will get bored of you when you are never anywhere to be found and she will find someone else to “assist”.

  41. Susan

    I agree that I’d blame it on Pighunter. You could say he just is not comfortable with your discussing personal matters with others, and he is currently handling the situation and has it under control.
    I agree that this is QUITE entertaining, though, and selfishly I would miss the posts.
    And I swear to you that looks like the neighborhood I grew up in in Garden Grove, CA.


    she wants you all fileted up and tucked away in her freezer, (in triple thick freezer bags so you don’t freezer burn, of course).
    Judy scares me.

  43. Kay

    Ok, yesterday I heard someone say Judy and I pee’d myself a little.
    Believe me or don’t.
    I am skeered, hold me!!!!

  44. Houston

    Hi, I was just stopping by after encountering your blog innocently enough after googling “ben wa balls.” (Enough said.)
    Your nemesis doesn’t know you have a blog, right?

  45. Rachael

    I would seriously sacrifice a few Karma points and tell her to step the fuck off. Be mean about it. MAKE SURE she doesn’t come back. So what if all the little old ladies in the neighborhood suddenly hate you and sneer and gossip behind your back? What’s the worst they can do? Smack you with their purses? Possibly in your neck?
    Oops. Maybe not.
    Move. Move quickly.

  46. Haley-O

    I totally hear you! When I was in university, my landlord lived directly underneath me in this old old house. She was 90 years old…. Every time I’d see her, I COULD NOT GET AWAY. And, yes, I did start to hide from her and rush out of the house, etc., etc.. But, I did make a weekly effort to have a little chat with her…. Well, maybe not weekly……..
    I feel for you!! OY!

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