If only everyone were so “helpful”

Some of you have asked for a “Judy Update.” I’ve had a post sitting in draft for a couple of weeks. I thought I’d post it today, followed by a Very Important Update.

Yesterday morning I was sitting I was sitting on the couch in the living room talking on the phone with Lena.
The blinds were open and I was enjoying the morning sunlight beaming through the window and I was enjoying the warmth on my stumpy, pale legs. Then, all of a sudden, without warning, a dark cloud appeared in the form of a Crazy named Judy walking up the driveway.
I interrupted Lena mid sentence with something like “OH NOES! JUDY IS COMING!”
What Lena didn’t know was that I was saying that, I fell from the couch, did “a roll” (you know, the roll that people do in movies in an attempt to escape from a bad guy? Yeah. That one) and then crawled until I was out of view of the window. I got up, ran down the hall.
“Mooooooom! Judy’s here! Go talk to her! Tell her I’m in the shower!”
My mom looked at me like I was the most pathetic human being to have ever lived on this earth.
“Oh, just talk to her.”
“But MOM! She’s crazy. I don’t want to talk to her. PLEASE?”
“Have Ethan talk to her.”
(Lena was on the phone during all of this and she was laughing and saying things like “Stop! It hurts!”)
Funny thing happened while I was trying to convince my mother to go talk to Judy so I wouldn’t have to.
My daughter opened the front door.
“Hiiiiiiiii!” She said in her high pitched wittle voice.
“Hello! Is Y here?”
“Yeah! Hol’ on! MOMMY! THE LADY’S HERE!”
(Note to self: Time to teach your toddler the “you are not allowed to open the front door for ANYONE. EVER” rule.)
I had no choice at this point; I had to face The Judy.
With the phone on my ear and a prayer for my safety in my heart, I approached the living room to find Judy with one foot in the living room.
“Hello, Yvonne, it’s been a while since I’ve seen you!”
“Um, uh… Yeah, I’ve been um busy. What’s up?”
“I was just wondering if you found a place yet.”
“Um, well, we put in an application. YES!”
“Oh, really? To rent or to buy?”
“To rent!”
“Ok, I’ve been praying for you and thought I’d check to see if you had found a place.”
And off she went.
Wow. That was easy I thought to myself. I felt pretty stupid after she walked away. She said she was praying for me. Maybe she wasn’t a stalker after all, but just a sweet little old lady who wanted to help a stranger out—An Angel Unaware as they say in Jesus Speak!

I really did feel bad… for about two whole days.
You see, A couple of days later, I was in the garage, minding my OWN BUSINESS, doing my laundry.
Out of NOWHERE, Judy is standing next to me.
I felt scared again.
“Um, hi?”
“Hello, Yvonne. What are you doing? The laundry? What kind of laundry detergent is that? May I smell it? Oh! That smells wonderful, where did you buy it? What is that? Fabric softener? May I smell that too? I must get me some of that! So, how’s it going with the house? Did they accept your application?”
I said something TOTALLY STUPID like “we’re still waiting to hear back from them, so we don’t know yet…”
She vowed to continue her fight to help us find a place.
I’m pretty sure that was when I was supposed to “grow a pair” and tell her that we really didn’t need help, but thanks anyway!
But I didn’t. Because she’s a little old lady and I swear to God, a little old lady could pull out a knife and try to stab me in the face and I would let her because she’s old and fragile and RESPECT YER ELDERS OH CHILD OF GOD!
I really do need to do something about this because look what Judy opened up the front door and handed me on Monday.

Inside, there were a couple of newspaper clippings of homes that she thought “we could afford.”
And let’s not even talk about the message she left on my answering machine. (thanks again for giving her my phone number, Mom!) When she asks the question “Why aren’t you calling me back?! I’m just trying to help you!” my vagina gets all weak with fear because she’s one phone call away from saying crazy things like “JUDY DOESN’T LIKE TO BE IGNORED.” I just know it, I can hear it in her tone.
I think that it’s safe to say that I can rule out “Angel Unaware” and go ahead and file that restraining order already.

I mean, you guys know that I’m just trying to find some humor in the situation, right? And that I don’t really think that she’s a “stalker” but rather a little old lady who is bored and nosy and a LEEEETLE scary with the knocking on the windows and stuff, RIGHT?
Ok, just checking.

59 thoughts on “If only everyone were so “helpful”

  1. AmyM

    Just when you thought it was safe to go back into the garage…
    da dum
    da dum
    da dum
    (excuse my poor attempt at converting the theme from ‘Jaws’ into text)
    Judy works hard for her $5/week stalking fee, no?

  2. Dawn

    It would be bad right now to send you the link to the house that’s down the street for rent, right? Far away from Judy? In another whole state? Because then I would be just as stalkery as she is. Ok, not posting the link. Dayum girl, you got a crazy stalker there.


    You have never told her to stop contacting you, is that correct? Or told her that you don’t want her coming around?
    She probably thinks you want her help since from what you’ve blogged, you’ve never refused it. She sounds lonely and friendless, and mistakenly thinks your being polite to her means that you like her. Some people have a mistaken sense of friendship. Don’t take out a restraining order until she knows you don’t want her coming around.
    But, funny post.

  4. Heather

    Okay seriously, I know so many people like this. Just because you have a sense of polite public behavior, you’re automatically their bestest friend ever and should rely on them for everything, tell them all life details, and divulge your deepest, darkest secrets.
    In my own (unfortunate) experience(s), I say the only way you’re getting rid of her is to tell her to her face that you don’t want her help. It will feel rude and mean, and she won’t necessarily react very well, but in the end you will feel much better for having gotten rid of her. I promise.

  5. Sarah

    Maybe you should get an apartment on the other end of town for a while. Coz this shit’s scary. Good luck darlin.

  6. Heather

    Aw, Y, you gotta tell her straight up (as nicely as you can manage) to stop scaring! She really does sound…overwhelming, but I can’t help but think that she truly means well.

  7. Susan

    Y, you can totally work this out in your own way. My husband found that ignoring our neighbor’s knocks on the door on Saturday mornings finally, after months maybe, got him out of helping chop down trees and move heavy things in the neighbor’s back yard. Sometimes passive agressiveness pays. You keep avoiding, girl!

  8. shuey6

    As soon as I stop laughing, I will feel sorry for you. I promise. Wait… not… done… laughing…yet…about…the… roll off the couch….

  9. Amy the Mom

    I’m with the keep ignoring crowd on this one. By all means, keep posting about it, because it’s some of the funniest shit I’ve read, but keep avoiding her.
    I’ll be entertaining myself with my cartoon bubble movie of you doing a tuck and roll all night long.

  10. Beth

    Okay, I have a different idea. Judy seems to need a project, and she’s decided that you’re her project. So what you could do is…find her another project. (Duh, right?) Surely there’s someone at your folks’ church who needs prayers and help and stuff, so perhaps you could let Judy know about that and she could start gathering cans and praying and doing stuff that might actually be needed. Well, it’s a though, anyway. 🙂

  11. Y

    Ok, I didn’t think I’d actually have to say this…
    She’s not really a stalker, she just plays one on my blog.

  12. Jerilyn

    How about we write a letter for you…you can send it over with one of the kids.
    “Dear Stalker Crazy Judy Lady,
    While your willingness to offer your assistance is admirable, we have come to the decision that your outside assistance is not a mutually beneficial arrangement, as we are intensely private people – and if fact, it detracts from our ability to locate suitable housing that meets our needs. In closing, I have attached the following “Help Wanted Ads” for your perusal, as I feel that your talents and skills would be far more useful to these individuals in need.”
    Make sure you circle all of the ‘Topless Model’ and ‘Professional Exotic Dancer’ ads for emphasis.
    Then sign it “Y’s Internet Friends”
    : )

  13. Paula

    Oh boy. I would just tell her that you and your husband will take care of your housing issues, but thanks for the help
    Oh and the fact that she is circling homes for you in the penny saver is scary enough, but whats scarier? is she knows where these homes are and can come and find you! I personally would not pick a house where she knows the address!

  14. Y

    Oh my God, Paula. I didnt even think of that.
    So, even if these are really great homes, I CAN NOT LIVE IN THEM. For she will follow me.
    I really love these comments. You people have NO idea.

  15. jeanie

    Dear Judy
    I am praying for you too.
    I am praying that you stay on the sane side of psychopath so that my friends can read about you and your crazy stalkerish behaviour and yet have them not wonder weird things if I happen to go an hour or two past my post update moment.
    I am praying that, if for any reason you do flip, you do so in a public and obvious manner so that the nice men (and women) from the local constabulary can take care of you without damaging my public image or person.
    I am praying that you will become so sensitive, you will notice that I am not as enthused about your help as you seem to think that I should be and all your effort will deviate into saving some other sod – or kittens or the environment – you know, someone or thing that can truly appreciate your efforts and reward you with more than fear or indifference.
    Mainly I am praying that I get enough warning of your approach that I don’t really have to deal with tumescent growths in my groin region.
    Dear Jeanie
    Stop using my name in vain and shut up.
    Dear Y
    Sorry. Okay.
    Jeanie (or Judy – I am confused now)

  16. Amy the Mom

    Laughing at the comments almost as hard as the original post. Love the letter, Jeanie-hilarious!
    Okay, husband is tiring of my “inside joke” laughter as I read the Judy Chronicles. Must go.

  17. Joelle

    I seriously think I just peed a little on “JUDY DOESN’T LIKE TO BE IGNORED.” hahahahahahahaha!
    Just go out and shank her and get it over with. BE A MAN! 😉

  18. Danielle

    Is it sad that when I read about you rolling off the couch, I heard some spy type music in my head and imagine you looking both ways over your shoulder really quick.
    And I would also not be able to tell her to leave me alone. I also have the crazy magnet gene. I’d be doing the same thing but now that your daughter is opening the door, I’d be getting one of those security chains and putting it WAYYYY up high.

  19. superblondgirl

    Okay, I’m so freaked out about her wanting to smell your detergent and fabric softener… Seriously, I’d move. Live out of my van, on the lam, that sort of thing. She scares me, even from a distance.

  20. sarcastic journalist

    Is that why you don’t answer the phone when I call?
    THE SJ DOES NOT LIKE TO BE IGNORED. SJ JUST WANTS TO HELP YOU FIND A HOUSE. THE SJ JUST WANTS TO BOTHER YOU. (And uh, make you talk to my kids on the phone. Because that’s fun.)

  21. InquisitiveFattie

    OH MY GOD, FABRIC SOFTENER? What kinda new-fangled contraption is THAT? I have GOT to get me some of this super-ultra-new modern technology for the laundry.
    …she is weird.

  22. Angel

    OMG I think I laughed so hard my uterus almost fell out.
    You know, I attract some interesting types who just come up to me and start telling me their life stories for no reason (hmm. maybe that’s why I like blogs)
    But you TOTALLY win the prize for weirdos!!
    The note is a bit, um, scary. Like how she circled your name. I’m just saying.

  23. kim

    well at least all she wanted to smell was the fabric softener and laundry soap. could have been a lot worse. my favorite part was the “JUDY DOESN’T LIKE TO BE IGNORED.”. awesome.
    oh and could you ask her to find C and me a nice home in long beach [or chicago] while she’s at it. that’d be great. i’m ready to move… 🙂

  24. girlplease

    girl you need to watch forensic files or something. judy is EXACTLY how stalkers behave.
    you do know that when you get a house, if it’s fairly close to where you are now…judy will come over, thanks to your mom.
    you have to give her the boot in the ass.

  25. Liana

    Creeeeepyyyyyy. Wow. I think her handwriting says it all, don’t you?
    Also, she is obsessive…and seems to want to start taking over your life, starting with your laundry detergent!
    Really. She is scary. I’m sure if I were you, my stomach would get all funny every time I saw her or heard her voice on the answering machine. EEEK!
    I think you need to lay it on the line with her now, though, with a firm “No THANK YOU.” I don’t think she’ll ever stop otherwise! If she doesn’t take such a literal hint, then….restraining order? Maybe? I don’t know how those work, though…but she shouldn’t be allowed to just waltz into your garage unannounced!
    Anyway! I’m rambling. MAN, she freaks me out. I hope you find a solution to your problem-named-Judy soon!

  26. Brandi

    Judy peering through your windows reminds me of the time I was living in a rental (that my landlord sold from under us also, btw). We had an agreement that realtors could only show the house at mutually agreed upon times (read: when we were not home). One morning I was in the living room doing my pilates and as I was pulling both legs up into a “V” I noticed 3 people staring into my living room window.
    Did I mention I was ONLY wearing a t-shirt at the time?

  27. anna

    How ’bout:
    Please, Judy, you don’t have to do that! I know you’re busy with YOUR OWN FAMILY. Don’t worry about us, we like to do things OURSELVES.

  28. Mary

    Oh my. Oh my. I’m wringing my hands in anguish for you. This is AWFUL! This is not your everyday, run-of-the-mill, avoid-the-annoying-neighbors dilemma. Judy has RAISED THE BAR with that note! Don’t feel bad about your avoidance tactic – this is a confusing situation! You are a hostage in your own home! I’m sorry I can’t be more helpful -I would have TOTALLY mission impossibled myself off that couch and hid in the bathroom, too. My heart goes out to you, Y – the internet has your back!

  29. Susan

    You know you can say anything about Judy that’s evil and hateful, as long as you follow up with a “BLESS HER HEART” — right?!
    Like this, for instance:
    Drive by shooting. Judy’s house. Tonight. BLESS HER HEART!

  30. Maria

    I’m getting twitchy on your behalf. Because I am paranoid and people who take advantage of politeness make me nervous.

  31. patois

    And you’re sure your vagina isn’t getting weak because of the fabric softener you use? What brand is that, anyway? Are you going to tell us?

  32. KTP

    My toddler opened the door last weekend for the pizza delivery man. Yikes!
    And um, what did your vagina have to do with Judy? Did I miss that joke?

  33. sylvia

    LOL Judy is great. I love the handwritten note … why is that so creepy?! But it is!
    Paula’s got a good point. *shiver* !
    p.s. you seem to hate brits again! Have you tried askimet?

  34. AlwaysCurious

    Oh. My. Gawd. So, I thought I loved your blog before. Then I decided to click on the “Aerobic Dancer” link in the about me section and read through your archives and watched your videos… and NOW I know the meaning of love. You are hilarious and awesome and if I had a camera and self confidence I would TOTALLY tape myself doing dance moves!

  35. Heidi

    Ok, you do know there is some truth to her being a loney old stalker woman..right?
    My parents have the same problem with the neighbor across the street. The woman will practically walk through your front door to find out what you’re doing. She calls at werid hours (because of course she called directory to get my p’s phone number) and when she gets the answering machine (on purpose) she says things like “I know you’re home I see you moving around through the front window” or “Why weren’t you home at 1pm, you’re always home at 1pm on Sundays….why didn’t you come straight home from xyz”. Itt’s good to know there isn’t a chance in hell that the house will ever be robbed because Kathy (our version of Judy) is peering out at the house with her eagle eyes from across the street. But seriously, the old lady needs to get a life. Every neighbor on the block has had an issue with Kathy….so maybe find out who your parent’s neighbors are and send Judy their way…I’m sure they’d appriciate it! 😉

  36. missbanshee

    My mom was so frantic about us Not Answering The Crazy that to this DAY when I get (at thirty frikking years of age) a phone call/Jesus freak/wacko I have to resist scowling out the window and yelling “MY MOM IS IN THE SHOWER, PLEASE GO AWAY NOW!!!” while checking the locks. Mother Teresa could have been at the door and my 8 year old self would have screamed that. Ah, the joys of being a latchkey kid.

  37. metalia

    Just when I thought I couldn’t POSSIBLY laugh harder, you bust out with the Penny Saver clipping and handwritten Judy note. HA!! Well done, pretty lady.

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