Yesterday was the first good day that I’ve had since Grandpa died. The anger had somewhat subsided and even though I felt sad, I didn’t cry at all.
Everything changed when I tried to go to sleep. When I closed my eyes, I could see my Grandfather laying in his bed, blue from lack of oxygen, swollen beyond recognition, tongue hanging out of his mouth, double it’s normal size. I could see him flailing around in the hospital bed, eyes swollen shut, unable to talk. I could see his wrists strapped to the bed and the blood around the IV.
I try to think back to when he was happy, full of life and full of funny stories that would make anyone who heard them laugh. I try so hard to go to that place, but I always come back to the horrific images of him in his final hours.
Is this something that time will heal? Because I don’t want to remember that day, or the way that he died. I want to remember his sense of humor, the way that he loved his family and the honorable life he lived.
I’ve been scanning pictures of him all day– I want to make a slide show for the memorial service. As hard as it is, it is helping to remember the good times. I just hope that when I close my eyes to sleep tonight, I can see the images here before me now, and not the ones that tormented me last night.

87 thoughts on “Remembering

  1. Norma

    That was beautiful Y. Thank you for sharing. I don’t know if the pain ever goes away but with time you’ll be able to remember more of the good times you all had together. God Bless you Grandpa and your family.
    Your Internet Friend,

  2. Danielle

    Time will help heal. I can’t promise that it will entirely go away but you will more and more remember what your grandfather was like in his life.
    My grandparents have been gone for about six 1/2 years. I was shocked at what they looked like toward the end and had a very hard time with it. The shock, the not wanting to have it show on my face and the knowing that they were really dying. They had never looked that old and sick before. No matter how old or sick they had ever been.
    Now years later, I miss them so much still but it’s a dull ache that comes and goes. Strange things that were meaningless before but leave an emptiness now. Calling my grandmother for a recipe, advice on having a large family or arguing about politics. Watching my grandfather check his blood sugar at the dinning room table or sing karaoke at a bar. It’s those little times that it hits hard.
    The majority of the time is remembering the really great parts. My grandfather judging Easter egg contests where even the most cracked egg won a quarter. My grandmother singing along to a song while she was at her barber shop.
    Most memories are the nice ones. It still hurts at times but not always the sharp pain. More of the memory of laughter.
    Take your time to morn but take your time with those pictures. The times from the pictures are more of what you will remember as time goes on.
    Big hugs.

  3. Wacky Mommy

    Perfect slideshow.
    You’ve just got to change the channel in your head when you have those images. You’ll be OK. It was an awful thing to go through.

  4. Auds

    The slide show is beautiful Y, really touching.
    Time helps fade the ugly and painful memories, and when you are able to smile again at the memory of him and not cringe at the pain of remembering his loss, the agonizing way you saw him last night will fade into the background.
    Thinking of you.

  5. Jennifer

    It may take some time – I had the privilege of being with my Grampie right before he passed away – it was his first time in the hospital after 93 years and when I walked in with roses for him from his garden – he was laying on the bed – thin & frail in a hospital gown, barely moving, and NO ONE had the decency to make sure he was covered up!!! The gown was wide open and the sheet wasn’t even pulled up!!! I was furious – the nurses aide told me he wasn’t even aware – so I shouldn’t worry about it!!!
    He passed away the evening – but I was so lucky to be with him that day. It’s been 10 years, and though I’m able to tell my children all the stories and show pictures (they never had a chance to meet him) – it still makes me angry at times of the lack of dignity given to him.
    Know you and your family are in my prayers.
    Jen S.

  6. Karen Sugarpants

    That was really hard to watch. I’m really close with my Papa and he’s had some close calls lately…I can’t help but think the inevitable is coming. I just don’t know how I’ll cope.
    You’ve shared so much beauty here Y, and I’m grateful for the guidance.
    Time will heal babygirl. Remember the good times. xoxoxo

  7. Beth

    That is absolutely beautiful, Y. I’m really sorry for your loss, but it’s so great that you got to know him for so long. *hug*

  8. maggie, dammit

    Y, I’ve been away from the computer for several days so I know this is coming in late, but I wanted you to know how sorry I am for what you’re going through. I’m very, very sorry for your great loss.

  9. Julia

    oh dear, this really made me cry. it’s obvious he was such a loving man. a beautiful tribute to him.

  10. SJ

    That was a beautiful tribute to your grandfather, absolutely beautiful.
    Over time you will heal, but allow yourself time now to mourn. Just think about the good times and hopefully all the bad memories of his last days will pass in a blink.
    My thoughts are with you and your familiy….

  11. Amanda @Rosewoods

    Your slideshow was absolutely beautiful. It makes me cry just to watch it, and here I am, a total stranger! My thoughts are with you and your family. My grandfather has been gone near 21 years, and thankfully now all I remember are the special times that we had together. Remember those special times that you shared with yours and you will always have him by your side.

  12. robyn

    *sniff* I cried all the way through but the end, I lost it. I’m so sorry Y. Please know you’re all in our thoughts and prayers still.

  13. Overflowing Brain (Katie)

    It will take time. It won’t be easy, but it will get easier. 6 years ago I lost two grandparents in a span of less than 5 months.
    My grandmother died from a blood clot after lung cancer surgery. She was supposed to be discharged from the hospital that day but a nurse had forgotten to administer a blood thinner and she thew a clot and died. I was in Los Angeles at the time (my family lives in Bakersfield) and I was completely devastated. To this day I have a very hard time not thinking about how she must have died. How alone she felt (only one of her kids was there at the time, and not her husband) and wondering how I could’ve done something, even though I know I couldn’t have done anything.
    My grandfather died in a hospital with the whole family next to him. He just stopped breathing, comfortable and surrounded by those he loved. For a while that was all I could remember, him dying. Lying in the bed, eyes closed, barely breathing. The crying, the sadness. But as time has passed it has become easier to deal with his passing. Because I was there, because I know he’s better off in heaven rather than suffering on earth. I think the closure, as traumatic as it was, was a huge determinant in my ability to cope with that loss in the long term. I hardly remember that night anymore, but I do remember all the wonderful childhood memories I made with him.
    I’m not sure that’s helpful because it’s never going to be easy. It’s been 6 years and I am still saddened by the loss of my grandparents.
    We just found out that my father very likely has pancreatic cancer at age 52. I know it won’t be okay for a long time, but hopefully someday I’ll find a new normal. Maybe that’s what it’ll be like for you- a new normal.
    I hope you’re able to find some peace in the coming days and weeks.

  14. Heidi

    That was very touching. Thank you for sharing.
    I lost my paternal “gramps” about 2 years ago. I miss him something fierce… I can honestly say that time does heal a bit but there is still a “gramp” size hole in my heart.
    And unfortunately I am currently losing my maternal grandpa to lung cancer. It’s been really hard for me… Bringing up the loss of my other grandpa… At times it just seems unbareable.
    My peace is holding onto the memories that I made with both of my grandpa’s and knowing that they knew/know how much I love them.
    Blessings to you….

  15. marcy

    hi y,
    i’m a bit of a lurker, commenting for the first time. my dad lost his battle to lung cancer last year, and i felt the same way you do. he had terminal restlessness, where someone has a hard time being still in their final weeks, days and hours. in the last day of his life his eyes were so vacant, he had to be sedated or else he would try to get out of bed. in short, he left unwillingly, and it was so hard to watch.
    over time, that memory has faded– though I can close my eyes and see and feel every detail of the night he died. from the point i’m at now i doubt that it ever goes away, though i can say that eventually i stopped automatically going to that memory every time i thought of him. now my mind first goes to living memories. it always hurts a lot, but i think as time goes on it the hurt loses its ability to derail your entire day. it becomes a quiet, knowing, livable hurt instead.

  16. Marmite Breath

    I promise you, you will learn to remember the good times.
    I promise. I’ve been there. I do understand. If you ever want to talk about it, I’m here.
    I think about my Grandparents EVERY DAY, but I don’t think about the end. I think about all the funny shit they said all the time, and how much they loved me.
    It’s obvious that your Grandpa was one cool cucumber, and more obvious that he loved you.

  17. danelle

    That was beautiful.
    Grieving about someone who’s died is so..personal. And yet, when someone has been so sick, you have to remember the joy and mercy that comes with death. Ask God to not let you be selfish and grieve for your loss, but to have peace that your grandpa is well again and enjoying the place that has been prepared for him in Heaven.

  18. time heals

    I was by my grandmother’s side when she passed. It was not a good experience – she was in a lot of pain, but the morphine tube was not stuck in her arm correctly, so even though they kept turning it up to put her out of pain in the final hours, what happened was that the morphine was pooling in a bubble under her skin. After a day, they figured out what was happening and fixed it.
    It was very traumatic at the time, but now that a few years have passed, I mostly think about all the good times, and don’t think of those final hours often.
    Your grandpa is lucky to have a grandaughter like you.

  19. Chris

    I was so close to my granpa, too. He’s been gone awhile now but I still miss him terribly. What a wonderful tribute to him. You did him proud girlfriend. You did him proud.

  20. Molly

    I watched my grandmother die in the same way you did your grandfather. For weeks after all I could picture was the way she looked in that hospital bed. I couldn’t remember good times for the life of me. But after a few weeks when my life got slowly got back to being normal I finally was able to think past what I saw in her last few days. After a couple months I completely edged those pictures out and now I can’t even remember what she looked like in the hospital because my mind is so filled with the greatest times I had with her. 🙂 It’ll get better soon!
    Beautiful video!

  21. becky

    I was at my father-in-law’s side when he died. He was a shell of his former self. I held his hand as his breathing lessened, until it was gone. Those images of him, 1/2 the weight he had been, gaunt… they stayed with me for a while. But over time that lessens a bit and you’re able to remember more about them before they were sick. The memories you want to be able to keep. I know about the anger, Y. It may not go away (I’m still mad at my aunt several years later), but it will get less important. You’ll find ways to remember him without letting her taint your final memories of him.

  22. Karen

    Y- That was a wonderful tribute to what seems to be a very loved and very handsome man. You can so feel the love you had for him I am so sorry for you loss but you now have one special angel looking over you. I hope you remember the good times I am sure he is remembering all the best of times he had with you.

  23. Misty

    Thank you for sharing this with us. My grandma died yesterday afternoon, and when I went inside to say goodbye for the last time, it was the most awful thing I have ever saw. I don’t know if that thought will ever be something I don’t see when I think of her.
    That tribute to your grandpa was beautiful. I know that nothing I can say will help ease your pain, but I will pray for peace for you and your family tonight.

  24. Gry

    Ach, I’m sorry =( And it was beautiful!
    But if it helps put anything in perspective, the day he died was only one day out of a whole lifetime..

  25. Amber

    Y, that was absolutely beautiful. I’m in tears now.
    My dad has been gone 21 years, and I can tell you that I still miss him every single day, but the horrible memories of watching him die have faded and barely ever surface now. I hope a little time heals the anger somewhat and that you have only happy memories of your grandpa.

  26. Mr Lady

    Y, I’d hug you if I could. My great aunt died Saturday night, which isn’t the same thing at all, but still. I would be holding your hand RIGHT THIS SECOND if I were there.
    We’ll have big, fat, celebrating-their-lives shots together in July, okay?

  27. Helen

    It does pass, truly. What you are feeling is so normal. For a few weeks I could not forget how my dad looked right after he died. He wasn’t at all like my dad and his colour was awful. I don’t even remember when the horror slidehows in my head stopped and the happy times came back, but they did. I can really remember my dad and be happy now.

  28. Paige

    I am sure you’ve heard this approx. 39 times in the comments above, but YES time heals.
    I was with my dad when he passed and it was horrible. Those images still pop into my head, but with time it has made it bearable. I spend more time- much more time, thinking about him when he was healthy and himself. You’ll get there, too. You will. Time is really, though, the only thing that does it.
    Continue to honor him. That slideshow is beautiful.

  29. Suzanne

    Your slideshow was beautiful, it showed a happy, loving man. The bad images will pass. You just have to tell yourself that wasn’t really him at the end, the grandpa you knew was already gone. I hope you have some peace tonight and just feel your grandpa’s love around you.

  30. wifey615

    I left a comment for you last week…my grandfather has recently died as well. 🙁
    Yes, that last memory of him will remain with you, but each day, it will get easier to deal with. I think you are doing the right thing…flooding your mind with the happy and healthy Opa you remember. Stay strong…I am trying.

  31. chris

    sweetie, i don’t think you ever get OVER it, but someday you’ll probably get USED to it. i loved the slideshow, but the photos of him with gabi really tore me up. blessings

  32. wookie

    The last few days IS something that will fade… never completely, but as time goes on it will be much easier to remember the happy times instead of the very end.

  33. Cindy

    I’m so sorry you had to say good-bye to your beloved grandfather. What has helped me to not concentrate on horrific memories — is to say to myself “that’s not helping” and think of a happier memory. And if I need a more stern reminder to move on, I say “self, that moment in time is not an accurate snapshot of his life, and it does not honor him, and I will honor him by remembering the joy and blessings.”
    I had to say good-bye to a child far too soon, and I turned the corner when I came to the understanding that the best way to honor her was not with grief, but with pure gratitude that she was here. I did not want her memory to equal pain and sadness. She was more than that.

  34. Emma

    It takes time. A lot of time. The images of death are sometimes so grotesque that they overwhelm us.
    What has helped for me is to use positive memories as a club to beat away the negative ones. It takes time, but eventually the positives overpower the negatives. Afterall, if the person that we lost wasn’t such an overwhelmingly positive figure in our lives.. The loss wouldn’t be so painful.
    Your grandfather is an amazing man, so I’m sure you have a million positive memories to hold onto.
    Beautiful slideshow. I teared up while watching it.

  35. apeetsmom

    Wow. That was beautiful – you did a great job of showing the world your grandpa! You keep looking at these pictures and the bad visions will fade…you won’t be able to forget, but they will fade and be replaced by the good stuff again…you’re just too close to it right now…let the anger go – what’s done can’t be undone now – make peace and cherish the things you learned from him – how he helped you become YOU!
    Take care Y.

  36. kelly

    hey, y. i read your blog always, but i don’t say much usually. i do have some experience with horrible images, though, and i thought i would share.
    my baby boy had an accident when he was 7 months old that put a hole in his skull. blood everywhere, trip to the ER, more blood, he vomited blood he had swallowed, really nothing a mother should ever see. but i did. over and over again, for weeks. he recovered after neuro- and plastic surgery, and now, at 2, he’s perfect. occasionally, one of those images will crop up, but the frequency and intensity has diminished a lot. i realize this is different because he’s still here, and now restored. but i think you’ll find the same thing will happen with your images, especially if you intentionally focus on the beautiful ones you have of your grandfather.
    i’m so sorry for your loss, but i am glad that neither he nor you (from watching) is suffering any longer. i know that he must be so proud of you for honoring him the way you do, both with your words and the person that you have become.

  37. amyb

    i am so sorry for the loss of your grandpa. my grandma died a little over 10 years ago…3 days after i found out i was pregnant with my second child. she had another stroke (the first one happened 8 weeks previous) and this one left her brain dead. we were all able to come in and say goodbye, and it took a while before i could remember her as the vibrant woman she was. she was the mother of 11 kids and had more than 20 grandkids at that time, and 2 great grand kids. she was a truly wonderful woman, and as the oldest granddaughter, and the second grandchild, it was hard to lose her. even harder for my dad and aunts and uncles. as hard as it was, i am truly humbled at the love her children felt for her. i look at her as a role model for what i hope to instill in my kids. i look to the marriage as a role model i want for my own. i don’t know 2 people that loved each other as much as my grandparents.
    you will be able to forget the bad, and remember the good…it just takes some time. the tears will still come, but they won’t be as often or as painful.

  38. Jessalee

    I was in the room when my grandfather died three years ago. It was both beautiful and painful all at the same time. For the first year I was, like you, was haunted by the way he struggled in his last moments. The fear. The not being able to breathe. The confusion. All of it.
    Three years later I can remember what it was like in those last days. But I remember more him being the person he was before he got sick, before the leukemia. When I think of him now I think of the way he was when I was growing up or the way he was with my children. The bad part is not so vivid and not so acute.
    I hope that you are like me in that the pain of that part of his passing will blur a little over time and you will be able to look beyond that and see him the way you knew him before this.
    I can’t say that you will miss him less. Three years later we all still get teary eyed when we talk about him. But they’re good tears. We miss him. But we also feel him around us, and that is a comfort.
    My heart and prayers go out to you and your family during this time.

  39. lani

    This was beautiful, Y. And that little girl your Grandpa was holding all those years ago? Looks like an identical twin to the Gabby girl he was holding not that long ago. Hugs to you all.

  40. Chaos

    Beautiful Slideshow. Right now you can only picture the way he left you all, but it does get better. In time you will forget that and only remember the good things. From the way you talk about him your good memories out weigh the bad ones of the final day, and they will forever. My thoughts are with you during this difficult time.

  41. Maggie

    After my sister died, the healing started when I was crying and my son looked at me and said, “Are you thinking of Aunt Juli?” And I realized that I was responsible for how my children would “know” her. And I didn’t want them to associate her with my sadness. Focusing (deliberately a lot of times) on happiness when I thought of her took a lot of time but things are better now. Of course, it’s been NINE years, but the gaping, raw hole in my life isn’t so frightening and no longer takes my breath away.

  42. Becky

    When I lost my boyfriend to a blocked bowel, he went fast like your Grandpa did. Things will get better with time although it can take a long time to feel better. One year after my BF’s death, I was still mourning but that seemed to be the turning point for me. It may not be for you BUT one day the sun will shine again and you’ll smile at the memories.
    The only thing I still wonder about is: why? I guess it’s not mine to wonder why. It’s mine to go on and enjoy life as my BF before would want me to do.
    Take good care. You’ll make it.

  43. Laura

    That was beautiful. Just lost my Dad so i know what you are going through, I feel for you and yours. Time does help, after a few months i am remembering the old days more then the last year, which was not good.

  44. baseballmom

    That slide show? Awesome. We did one for my grandpa, my dad, and my other grandpa, and played them at the memorial services. People really loved being able to sit down and watch them, and at the end, we gave each family member a copy to keep. I think preparing for the memorial services for them (all within a year) really has helped me to heal, just knowing that I was contributing my little part, and my important memories of them. My kids had small parts in my grandpa’s memorial too, just lighting candles, carrying a basket up to the front for rose petals that people held and kissed, then put in the basket for scattering at the gravesite later, and T played a song on the sax that my grandpa bought him…it really helped them too, just to play a little part. I wish you peace, and you will be surprised at how much easier it is to remember the good things in time.

  45. jessica

    I don’t know you, other than through your blogs. But my heart is breaking for you as i watch the slideshow. Anyone can see how proud he was of you and your family. You have been so blessed to have a grandpa like him… and he was so blessed to have a family who will honor him in the way that you are.
    I wish I could say that you will feel better about your loss, but you won’t. It WILL get easier to remember the great times over the bad though.
    Just know that everyone here loves you and is holding you in their hearts.

  46. patois

    I am so hopeful that your mind lets you focus on the man he was his entire life. What a beautiful idea to do the slideshow. That should really help give you all the clear, full-of-life memories of a person who adored you and whom you adored.

  47. Kathy

    There is nothing left for me to say that others haven’t said.
    I lost an aunt a year and a half ago. She was very special to me, not just an “aunt” – she was like a grandmother. An amazing person.
    Unfortuantely she lived many thousands miles away, so when she passed I hadn’t seen her for almost 2 years.
    The pain gets dull, but I think it’ll always be there in some way.
    Hugs to you.

  48. Rebecca

    It will always stay with you, but over time it will become less important. Death is a part of life, and it isn’t always as peaceful as we’d like it to be. Feel privileged that you were there, and take comfort from the fact that he is no longer suffering.
    It’s all so fresh right now, and night-times are always the worst. But you have to go through this and almost re-live that day in your mind. It’s how we come to terms with it. It’s not pleasant, but eventually you’ll find that you think about THAT less and less, and the good times are what you think about.
    It will always be there. How could it not be? The helplessness you felt in that situation, and how unfair it all was, coupled with your own grief in coming to terms that it was really happening is something that you don’t get over overnight. But it eases.
    The horiible dreams will eventually stop too. You haven’t said if you’re dreaming about it, but my guess is that you are. These dreams will eventually turn into altogether more peaceful dreams as you heal. Maybe he will even come back and send you a message in one of your dreams. It’s a comforting thought.
    God bless sweetheart x

  49. marjorie

    What a beautiful slideshow. I had to get the kleenex box after the first two pictures. Eventually, I am sure, your memories of him will focus more on his whole life, rather than his last moments. Allow yourself to grieve, and be prepared for your childrens’ grief too. Children don’t always show their grief when we expect them too. It pops up at unexpected times. You are so blessed to have had such a wonderful and loving Grandfather, who is now in Heaven, with no more pain and suffering.

  50. Jami

    That was beautiful! As lucky as you feel you are to have had him in your life, he is equally as lucky. I am thinking of you and praying for all of you.

  51. Diane

    Yes. It will go away in time. The memories and the sense of who your grandfather was will remove harshness of those last moments. you will realize that what the body does in death has nothing to do with the soul of your loved one.
    I watched both of my parents die, both from cancers. Needless to say- it was not a Hollywood movie of passing into the night. The body has responses and there are chain reactions that can start a couple days before that final breath. It’s a humbling, crazy real experience which I had never seen the likes of. But it is not who I remember either one of my parents to be. They were not their bodies failing- their souls and energy were already some where else.
    Best regards.

  52. Rhi

    I should not have watched that at work!
    But, it goes away, little by little. I still have my weepy moments for my Grandma. But, nobody is allowed to tell you when to stop grieving. For me, it’s important to remember my Grandma everyday. Sometimes it’s with a smile, sometimes it’s with a few tears. But, you have to heal on your own time.

  53. Kay

    Time does ease the pain. You never forget but it softens and someday you will think of him and smile and not feel that searing pain!
    Thinking of you!

  54. Sara

    Not too sure if my comment will get me boo’d out of here or not. I’ve buried three grandparents (fourth one died before I was born) and I’ve buried a child. I don’t think that time heals anything. I think that time makes it bearable. For us to look on the good memories and know that they are in a better place. Even though we don’t want them gone, I know that their spirit is still alive. It is simply hard to let anyone go, especially when they’re hurting. I remember when my daughter was dying, and pleading with the doctors to keep her pumped full of morphine. I DID NOT want her in pain at all and when you see that, it’s devastating.
    Y, you are in my thoughts and prayers, that you may remember the good times and not those last couple of days.

  55. Jenny, Bloggess

    Time doesn’t make you forget those awful last moments. I still remember them from 16 years ago with my grandmother…but those memories do fade and in time when you think of him you’ll think of all the good times before you think of the bad ones.
    Sending you love.

  56. jerry

    From the pictures you posted I believe your Grandfather had a good life. He was loved. He would want you to remember that. Do not dwell on his last days. Live your life as he would want you to…. the next time you see him he’ll tell you how proud he is of you. I am so sorry for your loss. Remember, you are loved.

  57. Sherri

    The slide show is such a beautiful memorial! I had a similar experience when my grandfather died 18 years ago and I had to see him before they closed the casket and he was unrecognizable. That sight was hard to get out of my mind, but over the years I think time has healed that memory, or maybe I just refuse to think about it subconsciously and only remember all the good times now.
    Thinking of you during this difficult time.

  58. Courtney

    The last images I have of my mother are similar. Wasted away to nothing, wearing an eye patch to block the double vision.. bald and with her pillow wet and stained with her drool. Will you ever forget the images? No. But they do fade in time and the happier times come to your mind first.

  59. LD

    I don’t comment a lot.
    But, my grandma was very dear to me and we lost her on Mother’s Day 2007. It was a shock, and her last day was awful. I’ll spare you the details of the day.
    But, as time has passed I promise you that I don’t think about her death. I think about her life.
    I can pul the imges in a second, but I don’t usually.
    Yesterday I was with my kids and I drove past a bridge that has a subway track on it. And I was telling my 4 year old about the time she took me for a subway ride – just to go on that bridge. And we spent the car ride telling stories about her. And, not once did I think about the last little bit because that was such a short time compared to all the stuff I do remember.
    I promise.
    It gets easier.
    I’m so sorry you’re going through this grieving.

  60. metalia

    Y, I am so, so sorry for your loss. Your love for him is evident, and he was clearly a great man. My condolences to you and your family.

  61. Bree

    My heart awesomely goes out to you. Your blog always touches me. When my dad passed earlier this year, I had the horrible last images of him imbedded in my brain for a long time and I can still see them from time to time, What’s awesome is that when you’ve had a life full of love with that person. The love outweighs the pain. God will heal your pain, in time, and here’s the other part it’s done in God’s time, not ours. May your family be blessed, may your Grandma find comfort, and may your family savor the memories.

  62. christina

    That was beautiful. I just found your blog and it is amazing. I am sorry for your loss. It really made me think of when my FIL passed away, and the images I try to forget. Could you please tell me the song you used.. thanks.

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