More Like Satan Dogs.

Did I ever tell you about the time a wiener dog killed the crap out of my pet bunnies? No? Oh, well, one time? A mofo wiener dog killed the crap out of my pet bunnies.

I don’t remember the year, or how old I was, but I remember every detail of that afternoon. We had returned from church one afternoon. As we were pulling up to our driveway, a little asshole wiener dog was trotting away from our backyard. When I got into the house, I immediately headed to the backyard. Upon opening the door, I saw my bunnies laying all tore up in the backyard, their fur scattered about the grass. It was HORRIFYING. The neighbor’s wiener dog had murdered my precious, innocent bunnies.

A few days later, I was in the garage when that dog came walking up our driveway like, all casual like, as if he hadn’t just killed my bunnies. I came running out of the garage towards the dog and shouted “get out of here!” He stopped dead in his tracks. I stomped my food and shouted again. “GO! GET OUT OF HERE!” He stood there for another second and then? Then the furry murderer growled, showed me his teeth and then he CHARGED AT ME. I screamed and ran inside the house and declared my burning hatred for wiener dogs.

Over the years, my hatred melted away. It was one wiener dog! Surely, there are many wonderful wiener dogs who are not assholes!


Last week I was out for an afternoon run in the neighborhood. Funky tunes from my iPod were blasting through my pink Virgin Air headphone (my good ones broke. Judge not) as I pushed myself to keep running. Then, I saw something out of the corner of my eye, I whipped my head around and a MOFO wiener dog was charging at me. A MOFO wiener dog wearing a rhinestone studded collar. This can NOT be happening, I thought to myself. But it very much was happening. My first thought was to run faster, but then I actually thought about how stupid I would look running away from a wiener dog wearing a rhinestone studded collar. I also thought about that thing people say about not letting a dog know you are afraid. You know that thing I’m talking about? So, I stopped and got into the I Will Kick You In Your Face Stupid Dog position.

The dog backed off for a second and as I stood there trying look tough and like I wasn’t at all scared that he was about to rip my calf apart with his evil little mouth. Then, all of a sudden, he came at me again.

That’s when a woman came running across the street. She was yelling at her dog to leave me alone. “I’m so sorry!” She shouted. “It’s okay!” I responded. “Just please, get him away from me.”

This story had a happy ending. The dog did not get kicked and my calves did not get chewed to pieces and no bunnies were murdered.

But my hatred for wiener dogs has been renewed with a fiery passion.

8 thoughts on “More Like Satan Dogs.

  1. Joelle

    Aw, I love wiener dogs. I wish I never heard this story about your bunnies, though. How awful! This is why we can’t have a wiener dog, despite my love for them — because they’re bred to hunt small woodland creatures. It wasn’t the wiener dog’s fault — that’s what he’s built to do. 🙁 But it wasn’t the bunnies’ fault either. And I can’t even fathom how horrifying that must have been to see that, especially as a child. I’m getting all choked up just thinking about it. I couldn’t imagine that happening to my Lulu.

    P.s. You had pet bunnies running loose in your backyard? You so crazy. xo Poor bunnies.

  2. Sam

    There is one of those next door, plus a new puppy. EVERY TIME I GO OVER SHE BARKS AT ME. I LIVE NEXT DOOR. The new puppy better not be an asshole, too.

  3. Della

    Oh, I am biased against wiener dogs too! My step-dad’s parents had two of them when I was a kid. They had to be locked up whenever we’d come over because they’d attack anyone other than his parents. One time my cousins were over there visiting, and they shut the KIDS up in the kitchen and let the DOGS run loose. Often we were told we couldn’t come over because it “stresses out the dogs”.

    Also, his mother asked my step dad (I call him “dad” but the fact that he’s my step dad is relevant here) one day that if she died before her dogs did, if he would move into her house to take care of them until they died. When he pointed out that he was married with three kids now, and couldn’t simply move out to take care of her dogs, she said “They aren’t your real kids, and my dogs are special”. He said no, of course, and luckily those dogs died decades before she did.

  4. maggie

    They are devil dogs. I have never known a nice one. One of my friends was visiting his parents over Thanksgiving and one of their devil dogs bit him on the nose, without provocation. All he did was sit in a chair the dog considered private territory. The parents didn’t think to warn him. The devil dog came in the room, leapt onto the chair and bit his nose. Plastic surgery was required.

  5. CacklinRose

    I just moved next door to an asshole and her asshole dog (of the wiener variety). His owner only leashes him when she’s walking him IN MY YARD. Leaves me speechless every time I see it happen. Who does that??? The dog must be immortal because I’ve seen him charge dogs 3 times his size and come away unscathed. He’s wily, too, narrowly escaping the wheels of mini-vans and mail jeeps. I’m in no hurry to see him splattered, but OMG, I hate that effing dog.

  6. AA

    I hate weiner dogs too, since I was a kid. Our neighbors mofo weenie bit me in the face and I had to go to the dr and get shots! I wasn’t doing anything to it. Just sitting in the grass in the front yard with other kids. 45 years later and I still don’t like them. Until recently I have never met one that I thought was a decent dog. But one of my friends has one now that I actually like. I know it’s a freak though! All the others are evil.

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