I’m going to say something that I haven’t been able to say outloud because I’m scared. Talking about it makes it real, and I don’t want it to be real…
I have 2 very hard lumps on my right leg. I noticed them about 3 months ago. It freaked me out, but I hoped they’d go away.
They haven’t gone away. They’re still there.
I’m scared. For the past month, I’ve not been able to sleep, I am terrified I’ll die in my sleep. SJ told me I should “talk to somebody about it” and Tony agrees. I’ve not slept in our bed for over a month. I fall asleep sitting up on the sofa, usually around 2-3 am and then I am awake again by 6.
This morning, Tony saw that I hadn’t been to bed (because my side was still made) and he asked me how I’m functioning during the day on virtually no sleep. I told him that so far I’ve managed, but I can feel it catching up to me.
I do believe that’s the reason I’ve been taking things so personally. Why I’ve been crying a lot and convinced the world is against me. I am literally on the verge of a breakdown. I suppose not sleeping for a month because I’m scared to die might have something to do with it.
I know I need to get taken care of, but fear is stopping me.
“I don’t want to know!” I say.
But I have children, I have to know so I can take care of myself. And chances are, it’s nothing like I imagine it is.
I’ve already typed “lymphoma” “bone cancer” “non-hodgkins disease” into google this morning and yes, I am now a basket case. Well, more of a basket case than I was before I went and did the search. I’m crying, I’m feeling like I want to throw up, I’m panicking, big time.
I have a tendancy to be a bit dramatic, but this is real. Believe me.
*update*
I scheduled an appointment for April 8. Thank you for trying to calm me down, I love you guys. /cheese.

There are a lot of reasons why Our One and Only Date Night should have sucked.
(We were supposed to leave at 3:30 to get to the movie on time. We didn’t get out of the house until 3:55.
Ethan harrassed me the ENTIRE TIME I was getting ready. “Oh, I see how it is. You’d rather stare at a stupid movie screen THAN LOVE YOUR CHILDREN!”
Five minutes after Tony dropped me off to buy the tickets for Hitch, it started POURING RAIN and I did NOT have an umbrella.
I was freezing the entire movie because I was SOAKING WET.
Everytime I called to check on the kids, I could hear Gabby SCREAMING BLOODY MURDER in the background. Apparently, “she’s TOO attached” to me.
We didn’t get to go out to eat because GABBY WAS SCREAMING BLOODY MURDER and I couldn’t bear to leave her there another minute.)
However, I am happy to say, it totally did NOT suck.
You know why it didn’t suck even though it should have sucked?
Because, for 2 hours, I got to hold my husband’s hand without having to let go so I could wipe an ass, whip out a tit, break up a fight, clean up a spill… oh. and? KEVIN JAMES!
Awesomeness. Maybe next time we’ll get to have sex.
Maybe.
Speaking of “awesomeness”…

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It’s a gorgeous outside right now. I went outside to talk to my man and sip on my venti, iced, soy, white mocha. I closed my eyes and felt the warm sun shine on my pale skin. I miss that so much, sitting outside, soaking up the sun, it felt so good.
I listened to my husband talk, his voice soothed me. He reassured me everything is going to be ok. He’s so happy I’m working on getting better. He worries about me, but he doesn’t run away and hide. He’s right there, next to me, telling me it will be ok. He is a good man.
I could hear my children playing in the front yard. Their laughter made me smile. I remember those days when I was a kid and everything was so simple and fun. Not a care in the world, except who’s team I would be on when we played games or if Jimmy, the neighborhood hunk, would notice me that day, maybe even smile at me. I miss that childlike innocence.
It’s amazing how sometimes happiness is literally as close as your own backyard, but you just can’t see it because you’re too afraid to open the door and experience it. Once you do, you can’t understand why you have been denying yourself that kind of joy.
The simple things in life, I forgot how important they really are.
I’m so glad I was reminded of them today.
Why can’t I write like that anymore? Not that I think that was great writing, but at least I was able to capture what I was feeling at the moment… Why can’t I seem to express what’s happening in my mind, in my heart, in my life without resorting to writing about the ripping of a fart? Oh yeah…THAT’S WHY. My life has changed completely and I suppose it’s only natural that my writing would reflect that change.
Right?
RIGHT?!
(I wasn’t even able to finish THIS post because “someone” was sitting next to me PUSHING POOP OUT. I only tell you this because I’d hate for you to blame the fact I can’t write anymore on ME.)

I had started to write a post explaining the reason why I haven’t posted lately (I didn’t want people worrying about me, thinking I had drowned in all of the rain!) I found it to be quite hilarious, because it involves really funny pictures of my not so funny daughter, but as I was finishing the post up, there was a knock on my door…
A neighbor of mine, who happens to be a friend of mine, who happens to have a son the same age as my oldest son, who happens to have been one year younger than I am stopped breathing this morning and died.
Now, I can’t stop crying and I don’t feel right posting something that makes me laugh, because I don’t feel like laughing anymore.
(I’ve saved the post/explanation for another day…)

Last night I found one of my old paper journals. It was from the year 1990, the year that we got married.
GOOD LORD. I can’t read it without cringing in shame at the “gag me with a spoon” factor of the words I had written.
I was 18 at the time, but let me assure you, I sounded more like… 13.
Here are a few snippets…
“many, many good and wonderful qualities”
“Tonight was my bestest friends bridal shower”
“P.S only 3 months, 17 days til I marry my precious Tony!”
“It was ‘Pig Out’ day at work today and BOY! Did I make a pig out of myself (And I said I was going to fast! Oh well, tomorrow!)”
“I was in la la land all day today! I LOVE TONY!”
“I was thinking back to when we first met. I didn’t like him, I thought he was weird and he looked like a rat. Now I love him more than anyone on this earth!”
“Completely and hopelessly in love!”
“Praise the LORD! I’m so lucky!”
“He hung up on me. I was CRUSHED but I did a terrible thing! I called him back and hung up on HIM! I wanted him to know how it felt!”
(Should I stop? Are you throwing up yet?)
“My Tony”
“I’m so glad we have a forgiving relationship” (jajajja)
“I love him so much and I pray that I NEVER make him mad again!” (HAHAAAA)
“She said she’s not going to be in our wedding and I was mad so I said ‘GOOD’!!!!”
“Help me Lord!”
“I know he’s been hurt in the past, but in a way? I’m sort of glad because NOW he’ll know what REAL LOVE is!” (haaaaaa)
“I’m so glad he was born! :-)”
Ok. I’ll stop now.
The funniest part about it is how the things I found SO EFFING CUTE about Tony back then are the things that annoy the shit out of me now. Things like him “being the question asker” (my exact words). In my journal, I wrote about how funny I found it that he always asks questions in conversations. Just last night I yelled at him to QUIT INTERROGATING ME! And now I feel guilty about it because, I used to LOVE that about him. Then again, back then, he could have held my face against his ass crack and made me inhale his farts and I would have thought it was bestest, most cutest thing in the world!
Ah, young love. Young dumb love.

Guess what I’m getting ready to do right now!
I am getting ready to go to church.
And not just any church. I’m going to my Dad’s church!
And, I’m going to wear JEANS. And a TSHIRT. To MY DAD’S CHURCH.
The church that preaches wimmins shouldn’t wear jeans and t-shirts, but dresses and headcoverings.
The “brothers” and “sisters” are going to be p-i-s-s-e-d.