Category Archives: random


Several weeks ago, it contracted a virus from some whore of a site. It was bad for a few days, but I did everything I could to try to clean things up and get it running normally again. I thought I had succeeded as things seemed to running fine again.
However, the other day when I turned things on, and tried to log into windows, it booted me off. I was all “huh. WEIRD.” So, I tried again. The same thing happened. It would start to load my settings, then it would be all “saving settings. Logging off.”
I was all “oh! I’ll just reboot in safe mode!” Because safe mode solves EVERY PROBLEM!
Except, not this time. It did the exact same thing in safe mode.
And that is when panic set in because I have photos to download! And documents to scan! And the boys have homework that needs printed!
I mentioned it on Twitter the other day and everyone was all “just put in the recovery CD and fix it that way!” And I would totally do that IF I COULD FIND THE RECOVERY CD. Last night I found every single CD that came with the computer EXCEPT FOR the recovery CD. I mean, of course I can’t find the one CD that I need! Why would something ever be that easy for me?
The good news is that when I got the virus, I was worried that something like this would happen, so I created a Carbonite account and had all of my files backed up. The bad news is… I can’t restore them to my laptop (it’s for work) so um, even though they are safe, I CAN’T ACCESS THEM. Nor can I access the programs I have installed to download, view and edit photos. Needless to day, I’M ALL TWITCHY AND SHIT. Am calling dell customer service as soon as I publish this. HOLD ME.
Edited to add:
Quite a few people have said “This is why you need a Mac! This wouldn’t happen with a Mac!” I have no idea what makes that statement true, as I know nothing about Macs, so anyone out there care to give me your thoughts on Mac -vs- PC and why one is better than the other?

My husband can beat The Internet at “Directions.”

The things that make my husband mad never cease to amaze me. Because he doesn’t get mad about the obvious things. Like traffic, or higher taxes. But leave the iron plugged in after you’re done using it and he loses his damn mind. “DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH ENERGY THAT WASTES? OBVIOUSLY NOT OR YOU WOULD HAVE UNPLUGGED IT. FOR CRISSAKES, WOMAN!”
This afternoon I was looking up directions to the Barbie’s Malibu Dream House. I asked him to come take a look and confirm that the directions were correct.
“Why did they tell you to go THAT way? What the hell were they thinking?” He said, all angrily.
“They’re not right?” I asked, totally enjoying his outrage over stupid directions.
Next thing I know, he’s drawing furiously on a piece of paper.
Then, he goes something like “You see, this is the 10, they want you to go on this freeway, then go one this one, and then this one. You see how they have you driving all over the place? All you need to do is go like this, then like this, then like this. IT’S VERY SIMPLE.”
DID YOU HEAR THAT MAPQUEST? PigHunter just took you to Freeway School.

California just raised my taxes and I’m talking about pantyhose.

Quick question:
Are pantyhose acceptable to wear with skirts? It’s been years since I’ve worn a skirt and even more years since I’ve worn pantyhose with a skirt. And the last time that I did wear a skirt, which was a very long time ago, I was told that it was not at all okay to wear pantyhose with the skirt. I realize that even SAYING the word pantyhose makes me old, but let’s be honest, the only reason I am even considering wearing pantyhose is to smooth shit out and possibly help my sagging stomach not sag so much.
And also maybe, just maybe, try to hide the MASSIVE, GIANT varicose vein that popped out on my right calf.
so, in your opinion, how bad would it be if I made the trip to Target to buy a pair of pantyhose to wear with my new skirt?

This is What Happens After 18 Years of Being Married With Children.

Him: I need to go potty reaaaally bad.
Me: Okay, but hurry up! I need you to help me with the laundry.
Him: Hey! When you tell me you have to go potty, do I tell you to hurry up?
Me: Sometimes you do!
Him: No, I never do. I let you go potty in peace. Can you show me the same respect?
(Yes. He used the word “respect” in the same sentence that he used the word “potty” in referring to himself and NOT a 4 year old. And, he said it in a Very Serious Tone. Because, apparently, being asked to rush The Potty IS Seriously Offensive)

“Your Dad Will Blog About How Comfortable He is.”

I am not giving up blogging just yet.
But, I think if I don’t get back into a pattern of posting more than once a month, that is what I’ll have to do. Because people who have a blog and never post, except to write about how they’re going to “start posting regularly again! Very soon! Once life isn’t so busy!” shouldn’t be allowed to have a blog because that shit is annoying.
So, starting today, I will post once a day, every day in the hopes that it writing becomes part of my day again. If not, well, maybe this blogging thing just isn’t for me anymore.
Because I love (mostly all of) you, I will end this post with a little something special.

25 Random things

I’ve been tagged for this by a few different people, so at this point, I’d be a total asshole to NOT do it. Problem is, I’m so boring, I don’t know if I can think of 5 things. So, here I go, trying to think of 25 “random things.”
1. The first thing that scares me during an earthquake is not that I could die, but that I will live and the toilets will not work and OH MY GOD WHERE WILL I PEE?
2. Kevin James is my boyfriend. He just doesn’t know it yet.
3. I have never NOR WILL I EVER taste a mushroom. What is wrong with you people who eat those disgusting things? Seriously. I do not understand you at all.
4. I once chased a purse snatcher (it was not MY purse he stole.) He threatened to kill me and I was all “GIVE ME THE PURSE, MAN.” It took 4 men to knock him down and hold him down until the police came. I should write about that story someday.
5. I always let people that I love know how I feel about them. It’s not always a good thing though, because when people don’t feel the same way in return, it hurts. A lot.
6. I am afraid, no, TERRIFIED of puking. I will make promises to God and cry and roll around on the floor or whatever it takes to stop the puke from happening.
7. When I was a teenager, I used to breed lovebirds. I was obsessed with bird. I was THE FUCKING BIRD WHISPERER. And I wonder why I never got asked to prom.
8. Speaking of Prom– I never attended a single high school dance. I was forbidden as my parents believed dancing was “of satan.”
9. I am two timing Kevin James with Judge Mathis.
10. I didn’t have sex until I was 18 years old. And engaged. But once I had sex, I had it multiple times a day. Every day. For like, years. (Tony wants you to know that 5 times in one day is “our record.”)
11. I once liked a boy who told me he would date me “if I got a perm.” I put rollers in my hair every night, but apparently, that wasn’t as good as a perm.
12. I was baptized when I was 18 years old in Tony’s ex- girlfriends parents pool while wearing a white robe. that covered me from head to toe. Seemed TOTALLY NORMAL at the time.
13. I love fish tacos. And no, that is not a euphemism. I love ACTUAL AND LITERAL fish tacos.
14. I met Jay Mohr at a show after he noticed and did a 5 minute set about my boobs. (Which, by the way, he loves.) We are now friends, in the way that one can be friends with a celebrity.
15. I’ve sang at more funerals than you’ve probably been to in your entire life. Just one of the many, MANY exciting benefits of being a “pastor’s kid.”
16. I’ve only been to NYC twice– once in 2002, and once in 2008. I fell in love HARD with the city and think of going back daily.
17. I like Dr.Phil.
18. I was once on the front page of The Wall Street Journal.
19. I miss my Grandpa every day and still can’t comprehend the fact that I will never see him smile at me or hear him tell me that I’m “his favorite” ever again. He was the most wonderful man I have ever known.
20. I am half Mexican and half German, but I can not speak nor understand Spanish or German.
And just to be different– the last 5 random things about me are from my husband, PigHunter:
21. You’re good with numbers
22. You have a beautiful voice
23. You’re very disorganized
24. You’re quick to show compassion to your friends. (You’re a good friend.)
25. You’re freak-ay with me.

Because Christmas is About Winning!

I try to maintain my civility while out shopping. Especially in the days just before Christmas, when stores are filled with all of God’s Children who are so very full of love, joy, peace and patience. Even if I’m pissed off in the depths of my soul, I will smile and bite my tongue when you roll my foot over with your cart because you’re in a hurry and can’t be bothered to slow down OR say “sorry”. But at some point every year, as hard as I try to nice in the face of the jerks all around me, my Asshole Tolerance Level is pushed to the absolute max and I’ll lose it. That doesn’t mean I go crazy and start cutting people, it just means I’ll stop smiling and quite possibly ask you to BACK YOUR CART UP OFF OF MY TOES, YOU INCONSIDERATE DICK.

Last night at Target, I had HAD IT.

While I was making my way to the checkout with my cart FULL of stuff, a cartless woman was walking towards me. I made the assumption that since she did not have a cart or anything in her hands, she would politely step to the side so that I wouldn’t have to steer my cart (full of stuff) to the side. You know, the way people who are not assholes do. So, I kept walking in the same direction.

But so did she.

And as she got closer, I realized that the woman had no intention on stepping aside so that I could get by. Even though there was plenty of room for her cart-less ass to do so! She was going to stay the course and make me move out of HER way. I know that I could have simply moved my cart and been done with it, but I was taking a stand man.

Because it wasn’t bad enough that she wasn’t going to step to the side so I could get by, she was staring right in my face as she was approaching– she was giving me The Finger with her ugly face!

Finally, we met face to face. I stopped my cart and she stopped walking. We both stopped and stared at each other in some ridiculous game of assholery. Realizing she was going to stand her ground, I said “EX-CUUUSE ME” in the bitchiest tone possible. She snarled her lip at me, sighed loudly…And stepped aside.

It was beautiful.